


whatever it takes

by shinsxoh



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug induced sex (?), Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Open Relationships, Past mentions of: Domestic abuse, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, implied polyamory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-11
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2018-11-30 21:52:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 177,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11472417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinsxoh/pseuds/shinsxoh
Summary: Hoseok supposed you had to have a lot of courage to want to kill yourself, it was no wonder the kid was so fearless.Changkyun supposed the stranger with the baby pink motorbike and fridge full of vodka was a whole load of trouble but he drank from the bottle anyway.Tattoos and piercings and sex and booze teach the kid to feel alive but he never really lives, and thats okay, until one day his veins are filled with something other then blood and nobody dares stop his fall.-In which the badass biker tries to save the kid and they have fun, they really do, but one of their arms stings from the needle and the other has a throat burned by liquor.





	1. talk me down

**Author's Note:**

> playlist for this story: [here!](https://open.spotify.com/user/firecharli/playlist/3BHRkNtpDlVN9MHwU6xOQR)
> 
> okay so this is my first ever work on here? i'm lowkey scared but lets go i guess  
> i got a lil carried away already this first chapter is like 12k lmao prepare for a long af story with long af chapters !!  
> please enjoy!! feedback is appreciated :')  
> (also pls take note of the tags i don't want anybody being triggered this fic deals with some quite mature themes !! )

The ground beneath his feet was cold.

Changkyun knew that because he wasn’t wearing shoes. For some reason he couldn’t remember if he’d forgotten them somewhere in the mess of his room left strewn upside down under old nylon coats and dirty t-shirts or if he’d lost them at some point as he’d wandered down the chartered streets. The soles of his feet grew numb as tiny fragments of concrete and dirt scratched at them and a thin layer of ice melted in the radiation of his body heat, creating a strange urban halo on the ground beneath him. Tiny pinpricks of pain fizzed and made his toes twitch involuntarily. That was a good thing. The pain was a good thing because it reminded him he was real and living and breathing and not drifting through whatever reality he’d conjured up in his head.

Changkyun sighed. His hands hung limply by his side, fingers curled slightly inward in a mundane resting position, sleeves worn and hanging with threads from his incessant picking. Just by looking at the frayed hem in what little fluorescent light was available he could hear his mother’s quiet voice in his mind, reprimanding him for ruining yet another perfectly good jumper with his terrible habits, yet Changkyun never minded when he was chided by his mother or step-father or anybody else for that matter. His mom would try and sew his sleeves up or his step-dad would give him sticky paper bills to go out and by a new one because it was unfair to make his mother slave away over his mistakes and that would be that, the same old routine each and every time. He much preferred feeling the stray threads tickle his palms as he wrote or drag across his face when he wiped his eyes after another night of no sleep because the trail of nerves it sent signals down as they grazed across his skin were enough to make him feel something other then nothing.

There came a strange sensation on his leg and he frowned before peering down at his feet for a second time. The hems of his haggard jeans were frayed, the black material peeling off into threadbare fibres, but what surprised Changkyun was not the worn appearance of the denim material but rather the muddy layer coating them about an inch inward from the hem. The top of the substance was already drying, small cracks breaking up the surface into jagged flakes, but the mud closer to the floor was still damp and the tendrils of fabric were sticking to his pale skin, small dribbles trickling down and pooling on the concrete floor.

That was strange, Changkyun thought, as he felt his brow knit together in a frown. He didn’t remember tracking through any mud before he’d reached his current location. His walk had been filled with city roads and high rise buildings, neon signs blaring from shop fronts as he’d passed through Gangnam-Gu, streetlamps illuminating his journey in orange hues once he’d emerged from the commercial area and slid into the relative quiet. He could remember the faint laughs, the drunk women stumbling on broken high heels, the shouts from alleyways and English mutterings from the occasional foreigner out on a night of their Seoul city holiday. The skyscrapers he’d walked between had been clad in metallic panels that reflected the colours of the establishments built into their ground floors. Most of them had been open and monopolising off the young men and women who spent their nights on the streets with strip clubs disguised as contemporary bars appearing every few doors he’d passed and the smell of alcohol ripe enough to sting the back of his throat. 

The memory was enough to send a twinge of pain coursing through his head because fuck, Changkyun needed a drink. It had been far too long since the bitter liquid had dripped down his throat and pooled in his stomach and yet he almost laughed to himself even just entertaining the possibility of liquor on a night such as this. Despite his vivid recollection of his path through the city, for some reason Changkyun couldn’t remember any mud, and so he was left staring at his jeans in lucid perplexity wondering how on earth he’d managed to drag them through the dirt in a city mostly consisting of concrete pillars and pathways.

Directly across from him was the horizon, or what little he could see in the low light of nighttime. Concrete buildings flanked each side of him and rose like mountains in the landscape, almost converging in the distance but forced apart by the river winding its way through the city. Each building was lit up in tiny pinpricks of light, artificial yellow or energy-saving white, satellite sticks blinking red and the neon signs of riverside bars flickering a multitude of colours despite the steady flow of circuit power found in the capital. There was music, small vibrations from each open door converging to make an underlying hum of beats and guitar strings, the occasional shout from those walking along the wooden riverside passage on either side of the bank easily falling into background noise and only disturbing the people who seemed a thousand miles away from where he stood. The wind was steady, not forceful but dramatic, the chilling breeze travelling straight through Changkyun thin cotton jumper and ripped jeans and yet, despite the lack of clouds in the sky and the icy air settling on his skin, he didn’t shiver at all. 

Behind him was where most of the disruption of such a pretty night came from. He was stood on the edge of Mapo bridge and the cars were speeding past behind him in a blur of headlights and closed windows and the occasional hum of bass. With the amount of times he had stood in the very spot he was at that moment Changkyun wondered why he’d never really payed much attention to the vehicles who sped down the lanes behind him. He supposed he found the cars boring. There was never anything new. All the bodywork, the rubber tires, the passengers guiding the steering wheel with distracted minds and tapping fingers, it was all the same.

One time, when his mother had bought him there just as a little child – from the make of the cars he could barely picture in his faded memory he can’t have been more then three or four – she had spent a few minutes just watching them pass by. She’d said the blur of the colours were beautiful like an everchanging work of art on a canvas with drifting seasons and she’d explained to him that it fascinated her because every single person in each car was existing. At that very moment in time they had lives, complex ones, and thoughts and feelings and heartbreak and success and that Changkyun should always remember the other people in the other cars because it would remind him that he was not the only person he had to worry about. He must remember that there was an entire world of living people out there all trapped within their own heads and that, if he could stop and stare and take notice of their presence, he would learn how to find himself as well.

Changkyun had thought that philosophy was fucking stupid. As he stood on the bridge, hearing the hum of the engines as they drove across the bridge behind his back and stirred the night air into a frenzy, he realised how pointless it was. People didn’t care about him in their little cars with little thoughts and feelings and a whole world in their heads. No, that women with her hair scraped into a tight bun having just drove past in her black land rover with a coffee in one hand and steering wheel in the other was far too busy planning the rate of pay for her new nanny while driving home from a meeting that had dragged on one hour too long to take notice of the boy on the side of the bridge. The balding man in the Toyota Semi with the Bluetooth speaker in his ear and a coffee stain on his white shirt was preoccupied by the files he had to review by Monday while managing a wife who refused to stop drink red wine when he was at work. The young couple in the silver Ford Focus were arguing over the rent for the month and whether or not the boy’s aunts wedding was formal enough to buy another dress when they’d already spent their wages on a new computer game and instant ramen and they didn’t even look away from the dashboard as their car sped down the lane meant for Taxi’s and not commuters.

None of them cared about Changkyun. And that was okay, really it was, he didn’t mind that none of them stopped to stare at the thin silhouette stood on the edge of the bridge staring out into cold glistening waters. He didn’t want them to notice him. His mother had been wrong on that morning when he was young, noticing other people doesn’t make you find yourself, it makes you forget who you are.

Changkyun was painfully aware of who he was. On some days, when it got really bad, he felt like there was too much of him. He took up too much space and that was a fact, not speculation, and despite the reassurances from family members and countless sessions sat in the bare block office of the therapist’s room every single fibre of his being still felt like it was screaming at the wrongness of the situation. He was existing where he shouldn’t be, breathing when he ought to stop. When he tried to explain that to other people, however, they didn’t believe him. There must be a reason for his desire to not be pumping blood and oxygen around his body like everybody else. There must be a reason he wanted to be dead.

The unfortunate thing was that Changkyun didn’t know why he wanted to kill himself, he just did.

He supposed he should feel something about it. It was final, right? The easy way out. Only a coward kills themselves to find escape from the desperate situation they were experiencing. The thing is, Changkyun didn’t even know what he was escaping from. He just wanted out. He’d told people this countless times yet his therapist never stopped looking at him with that smug face of professional confidence and always proceeded to jot down carefully crafted words in his file about a continued supressing of emotions and that, with a few more sessions of hypnotherapy and perhaps a residential weekend, he’d be back on track to maintaining his normalcy. He’d nod in agreement, perhaps suggest that his perception of reality did need to be worked on a little more, and that he was thankful for whatever help she had to offer.

In his mind, however, he just wondered why they just wouldn’t let him fucking die.

The water underneath the bridge looked like churning black tar. The surface was mostly calm in the night air, the moon creating white sparkles in the slow moving currents and the water reflecting back the neon signs of storefronts nearer the riverbank. Drifting on the shifting waves were the occasional piece of debris, whorls of fallen leaves riding the gentle ebb and flow of currents or plastic bottles thrown in by uncaring passers-by who had better things to worry about then preserving the longest river in Seoul. Under his feet Changkyun could see the lights from the bridge scattered by waters. Artificial yellow mingled with the red lights of passing cars and the black of the water at night to create sharp knifes of light that danced along the surface. He wondered if hitting the water would hurt. He’d heard the stories told by acne ridden teens sat around scratched fold-up lunch tables about how falling into water was the equivalent of slamming into concrete from a couple hundred meters up. Changkyun sighed, his breath misting in front of his face like he’d just taken a drag from a cigarette before being carried away by the wind. If what he’d heard was true it would make no difference if he jumped from the bridge or a high-rise building somewhere in Seoul but he supposed he cared too much about the people his death would affect then he really wanted to admit. He’d much rather have some balding off-duty fisherman pull his body from the water then force the drunk partiers on the street to witness a brutal crack of bones on hard concrete floor and watch as viscous blood dripped down street gutters. For some reason he craved the pain on impact, wanted to know how it felt when his body exploded at a million miles an hour after being thrown from the edge of a bridge.

Was he really going to do it? End his life? Launch himself into the calm waters below? He supposed the answer was yes. He had no reason not to and he’d already walked halfway across Seoul with gravel tearing at the soles of his feet and the smell of alcohol clouding his brain just to stand on the edge of the bridge so it would seem silly to give up now. Imagine if he was so much of a coward that he couldn’t even bring himself to fucking die. Turning around and finding his way back through the streets, past the open bars and shouts from alleyways and bright neon signs that hummed with electricity, opening his front door and laying in his bed like he hadn’t just stood at the edge of the world and almost jumped into the darkness; it all seemed so pointless. In that moment Changkyun didn’t have a family, or friends, or a bedroom or cold leftovers waiting in the fridge for when he returned after midnight. He only had himself, stood on the very edge of the bridge with his clothes fluttering in the icy wind and his feet numb from the stabbing cold, a whole world away from normal. The only thing that mattered to him was the mist of his breath and the tattered threads of his sleeves and the drying mud on the hems of his jeans.

He should be crying. Why wasn’t he crying? He was about to end his life, cease to exist, leave all his family behind. They would probably cry when he died and lay flowers on his grave each week after hanging portraits of him up in the church. His mother would weep for her lost son and his step-dad would tell her that they did everything they could but he was too broken for them to fix. Despite all the longing that grew in his stomach from the thoughts of his family, despite the loss that coursed through his veins as he thought of the despair they would feel, he still couldn’t bring himself to cry. Maybe it was for the better, his death. They could move on, forget their broken son, start a new life after mourning his. The thing is, even in this moment Changkyun was thinking with absolute clarity. There was no depressive haze or intoxication present in his body, he knew that if he jumped off the bridge he would fucking die but for some reason he didn’t want to stop.

Tentatively Changkyun leaned his body forward, peering over the edge of the concrete beam he stood on to fully take in the depths of the water below him. Just the image of the water so far below him with the black surface rolling gently under his feet as the lights reflected back at him was enough to make anxiety twist in the bottom of his stomach. He felt the dread pulse through his veins and the fear claw at his chest, his fight or flight instinct screaming at him to climb back over the railing behind him and get as far away from the edge as possible, and he liked it. He relished in the feeling of fear. Denying his body’s most natural predisposition gave him a sense of achievement, of power, as if he could control the whole world beneath his feet. He wondered what it would be like if he actually jumped, threw himself off the beam, hurtled to the group and exploded on impact with the surface of the water and how intense the terror would be as he saw his last moments in the reflective surface below. Would he feel any pain? Would he process it at all, or would his stupid human body block the events due to the sheer panic?

Changkyun supposed there was only one way to find out.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes as the icy air spread deep throughout his chest. When he opened them one last time he watched the horizon blur while the wind pricked at his tear ducts and peered down at the black water beneath his feet. It was time.

Chankgyun smiled and stepped forward, the wind whistling in his ears as he lifted his arms to fly.

 

 

 

 

Hoseok had never been one for parties.

Out of all the things he could do while stuck on the fucked up place that was planet earth, getting wasted and dry humping strangers in a club with shitty 90’s music blaring from speakers turned up a notch too loud was not exactly top of his list. He much preferred to get drunk alone but he supposed he had to make do with his current predicament, so with a wave of his hand he motioned for another drink as he stared at the now empty glass sat on the counter his elbows were leaning on.

He hadn’t wanted to come out in the first place. The alcohol at this place was far too lavish, chromatic drinks in elegant glasses adorned with slices of lemon and little umbrellas, and though the taste was good the hit was lacking. Too much presentation for such little buzz in the veins, Hoseok much preferred gulping vodka from old dirty bottles or the slow hiss of a can when it opened. He’d choose a burning throat and nauseous stomach over this fancy shit any day of the week yet for some reason he still allowed Jooheon to drag him out on this cold Friday night and hook him up with a drink he couldn’t afford to buy in a bar that would kick him out if it weren’t for his friend’s connections with the rich youths mingling on the dance floor behind hm. Even as the thought passed his mind he felt the owner’s eyes bore into him from where he was mixing up his third drink of the evening – a fruity mix of Maraschino liquor and traditional tequila – scrutinizing the worn leather jacket he had slung over his shoulders and bleached mess of hair pulled back from his forehead. Hoseok smiled as he traced the design on the wooden countertop before him because it always amused him when other people seemed wary of his appearance. The bartender was obviously contemplating whether or not he was safe enough to be downing his third drink after just an hour of sitting on the stool at the bar and Hoseok wanted to tell him that it definitely wasn’t and he should probably escort him out the double doors before he dropped dead from boredom.

Hoseok turned his neck to glance behind him and his eyes scanned the rest of the bar. The counter he was sat at was built on a wooden floor that stretched for a few meters into the building, littered with occasional tables and low lighting for a contrasting mood to the wild dancefloor that was accessible by the few steps that dropped away from the planks beneath him. The open ceiling allowed for lights to be bolted to the walls and hung from horizontal beams and these lit up the writhing bodies beneath it in a kaleidoscope of flashing colours and strobe lights. Despite the classy exterior of the bar and the elegant drinks it served, the attendees were far from chic as girls clad in skimpy lace outfits and tottering high heels sloppily ground their hips on boys wearing jeans and whatever branded pair of shoes they could find. Hoseok watched as one boy who was of average height for a man in Seoul break away from the pounding mass of bodies and make his way over to where he was currently sat at the bar. He wore an expensive shirt decorated with dancing flamingos printed on a violently turquoise background and black trousers that probably cost more then his entire months rent, his hair was bleached startlingly white and the contacts he wore were an unnerving yet oddly attractive shade of blue. They enhanced his dagger like eyes and made his lips look even more pink then normal. Hoseok sighed in exasperation as the other man approached him and turned his neck back around to face the wooden counter in what little hope he wouldn’t be spoken too. Unfortunately his master plan didn’t work, and when he slid his slim body onto the stool next to his he rolled his eyes in irritation.

“Sup dumbass,” Jooheon spoke in greeting. He spoke with an Americanised lilt most probably picked up from the countless numbers of rap songs he listened to on repeat and the relaxed position he took up with one elbow leant on the counter told Hoseok that after the few days of not seeing him, his friend still hadn’t learnt any manners. “The fuck are you still doing back here?”

Hoseok rolled his eyes and glanced at the writhing bodies Jooheon had just peeled himself away from. The other boy was sweaty, stray tendrils of damaged hair stuck to his forehead and his breathing was heavy from the way he’d been grinding on some poor girl only a few minutes previously. “I don’t dance,” Hoseok let the sentence fall flat, each word spiked with the boredom he felt just sitting at the counter, and as Jooheon replied he scanned the workers behind the bar in hopes of discovering whether or not his next drink had finished brewing yet or if he’d have to push over one of the dispensers just to get their attention. How long did it take to get a tequila around here?

Jooheon hit the older boy around the shoulder and raised his eyebrows. “Fuck off, yes you do. C’mon brother, let loose a little, you haven’t been out your apartment in days,”

“’Cos I fucking like it in there,” Hoseok drummed his fingers on the table, peering over the counter in impatience. Where the fuck was his drink? The burning sensation that had dripped down his throat after his second glass was starting to fade and he needed another hit before the headache intervened. 

“What’s so special about some shitty cramped apartment that always smells like whatever booze you been drinkin’?” Jooheon wrinkled his nose and watched the other boy with something close to pity in his eyes. Hoseok clenched his jaw just feeling his stupid contact-lense eyes run over his body. His apartment was his heaven, and sure, maybe it was a little dirty and he hadn’t seen the floor in weeks and sure, he guessed the cigarette butts stubbed out on the windowsill and kitchen counter were a little unhygienic, but his ‘shitty cramped apartment’ was the only place where he felt like he wasn’t being constantly scrutinised just for existing. The minute he stepped outside clad in his usual biker’s leather with piercings glinting whenever he passed a fluorescent light people looked him up and down in scorn and decided to stay as far away as possible. If he was honest with himself, it could have also been the unmistakable smell of alcohol that followed him wherever he went that put people off his presence in general, but he supposed that was their problem and not his.

“You’re not fucking there to annoy me,” Hoseok muttered in reply.

Jooheon snorted and opened his mouth to come back with some witty retort but was cut off by the bartender placing a perfectly shaped glass on the table in front of them, the liquid red and smelling of strawberries, adorned with a decorative slice of lemon and a tiny beach umbrella. 

“Fucking finally,” Hoseok muttered in exasperation. He flicked the lemon slice on to the counter with his thumb and forefinger, ignoring the outraged look of the bartender as the juice seeped onto the polished wooden top, and bought the drink up to his mouth. As he began to gulp the cool liquor seared the back of his throat and the blossom of heat that spread throughout his chest as the alcohol reached his stomach was heavenly. In his haste he kept swallowing, forgetting to relish the explosive taste of fruit on his tongue out of pure desperation and instead focussing on the way his whole body began to relax just at the consumption of the alcohol. When the glass was drained he slammed it onto the counter, unflinching when the clang of the glass meeting wood echoed throughout the noisy bar, and after he’d wiped the remains of the drink from his mouth Hoseok turned back to face his friend. Jooheon was looking at him once again with pity and the older boy snorted. He was much more at ease now he had the steady drip of alcohol streaming into his veins and he laughed at the way Jooheon’s nose crinkled just by watching him inhale the drink like it was oxygen. 

“How the fuck are you not dead yet brother,” Jooheon shook his head in disbelief.

“I’m too goodlooking to die,” Hoseok let out a laugh, nudging him on the shoulder and getting the middle finger thrown at him in return.

“Shut the fuck up dumbass. You coming for a dance or not?” Jooheon raised his eyebrows in regard to the question as he motioned to the club scene. Hoseok craned his neck to glance over his shoulder and scan the dance floor once again. He took in the pounding beat, the sweaty bodies, the grinding hips and laughs of those who were too drunk to realise who they were giving a boner to. It really didn’t look like fun. None of it did, not in the slightest, and as much as it was his brotherly duty to stay by his friends side the entire night and help him home after one too many drinks the alcohol he had consumed was already making him feel lightheaded and he needed to get home before it became impossible to even turn the ignition key.

“Nah, I think I’m going to head home instead,” He shrugged lightly, pinching the lemon in his fingers and dropping in on the floor before he hopped off the wooden stood, angling his foot just so the fruit slice would explode under the impact. It made a satisfying squelch and Hoseok grinned when he looked up to see Jooheon staring at him with a condescending expression and yet the slight upturn of his mouth hinted at something close to amusement.

“Hoseok-” He began, voice tainted with contempt. 

“See you Monday, yeah? I hope you get in that one girls pants or whatever,” Hoseok waved his hand in a dismissive gesture as he began to back out of the bar. The door was directly adjacent to the countertop so he didn’t have far to go before he could experience freedom again. He supposed he should feel bad for leaving his friend in the bar alone but he just wanted out of that stuffy room with shitty music and the laughter of horny drunk adults worming its way under his skin.

“Fuck off brother, you know I like ass,” Jooheon rolled his eyes but gave him a grin all the same. The older boy watched him lounge against the counter as his eyes followed his path out of the bar.

“Whatever, get in his pants then, call me with the details later,” Hoseok grinned and gave him a wave. His hand was on the door handle when all of a sudden Jooheon gasped and his eyes widened considerably.

“Wait, Hoseok, you forgot to pay!” 

Hoseok grinned. “Suck his dick good tonight!” He yelled, before escaping through the heavy black doors.

“You little fucker-!”

Jooheon’s reply was cut off by the door slamming behind him. Hoseok let out a long sigh of relief, feeling his face fall after the exchange with his friend was over, and he relished in the outside world. He was finally alone. In the cold night air the light sheen of sweat that had collated on his face when he’d been sat in the stuffy bar dissipated in the icy wind and the fresh city air cleared his head considerably. He was far from sober but less drunk then he had been inside the bar behind him and he took a second to breath in the city scents, tasting cigarette smoke and the remnants of cheap alcohol on the breath of passers-by and listening to the whizz of cars as they speeded past the drunken streets before he began scanning the edge of the pathways.

It took a minute for him to locate his motorbike and when he did he grinned involuntarily, moving away from the muffled beat of the bar he’d just left and towards it, all the way across the concrete pathway to where the kickstand had it propped up by a lamppost casting its orange hue on the adjacent road. Yamaha branded, the MT-10 consisted of a sleek black exterior and polished metal pipes, the elegant shape of the handlebars creating the perfect eyeline to observe the enticing curves of the leather of the seat. The wheels were custom made and inlaid with an inner rim decal decorated in a pastel pink just to Hoseok’s liking. All the other bikers in Seoul had graphic designs, violent greens or vivid reds or deep shadow blacks, but not Hoseok. No, there was nothing more terrifying then Bikers with baby pink wheels because Bikers with baby pink wheels just don’t fucking care.

He ran his fingers over the body lightly when he’d approached it, smiling at the folds in the leather and the smooth black framework, before he hooked one leg around the bulk and shifted his weight onto the seat. In one smooth motion he flicked the ignition switch and twisted the handlebars forward, laughing in excitement as he felt the vehicle rev beneath him, the vibrations from the engine stirring up the alcohol in his stomach and making him feel alive. People wandering past glanced at the noise of his engine but Hoseok didn’t care and pulled the handlebar once again just to piss off the pedestrians even more then usual.

“Time to fucking go home,” Hoseok muttered to himself with a grin, yanking on the handlebars and hitting the kickstand with his foot in a perfected manoeuvre, revving the engine at just the right point to stop the bike from toppling over onto the hard concrete below and instead going shooting off onto the main road.

The city passed in a neon blur as he swerved between cars and buildings alike with expert handling. Hoseok never said he was good at anything besides from downing three vodkas in one sitting and chain smoking shitty cigarettes but one thing was certain; he was fucking good at riding his motorbike.

The icy wind shot through his tousled hair and pulled at his face yet despite the slight discomfort he didn’t regret his lack of a helmet. Without the shitty visor that darkened the beautiful cityscape he shot through and the bulk that flattened his hair against his scalp he could feel the air tear at his face the way it tore at his clothes and the pain kept him awake and buzzing. He laughed at the feeling of pinpricks along his skin and bent down towards the body of his bike, pushing up with his legs and accelerating at the same time. The reduction of air resistance as well as the increased force from the humming engine shot him forward at a hundred miles per hour and he began to weave between the stagnant cars and out from the city district. Hoseok yanked on the handle and veered to the left, now travelling along the riverside roads instead of between the industrialised Seoul skyscrapers. In the moonlight the river raced by with the reflection of knifes in its surface. What would have been a beautiful collage of dappled neon lights reflected by calm waters had he been strolling along the pathway at a normal pace morphed into a wild chase of streaked lights that seemed to whizz by on the surface of the water as Hoseok hurtled along the river side at a speed way too fast for such an urbanised area. Was it dangerous? Probably. Did he care? Fuck no.

As he sped past the seaside cafés and secret gay bars and the drunk couples littering the side walk Hoseok wondered if he’d ever get tired of the rush that came from riding his bike. He wondered if there would ever be a time where he didn’t laugh as the wind battered his clothes or whistled in his ear, if there would ever be a day when he’d rather walk then feel the pure adrenaline that came from weaving through moving obstacles at a hundred miles an hour, palms sweaty on the handlebars but lips dry from the air, the whole world blurring into a neon swirl that made him feel like nothing was real.

He supposed the answer was no.

After a minute or two of speeding along the riverbank road he saw the bridge approaching in the distance. It was the one that would lead him across the Han River and into the Yeonmi-Dong district, past the city centre and into the cheap downtown area that consisted of tightly packed high rise apartments and a multitude of twenty-four hour corner shops. The entire framework was an architectural nightmare, the beams crisscrossing to give a post modern artistic feel, the railings too low to be safe and the sky high arches dangling bare supporting cables. Hoseok had a love-hate relationship with the bridge of Mapo-Gu. On the one hand it was beautiful at night time, with the darting neon lights across the open waters looking like something out of an urban fairy-tale and the pure adrenaline from speeding across the open waters and watching the world fly past was a bigger hit then Hoseok got from two glasses of Champagne. On the other hand however, sometimes the traffic was a fucking pain in the ass. Luckily for him as he began to steer his bike between the moving vehicles and under the bridges’ entrance archway the flow of cars seemed to be somewhat fast, likely due to the early morning hour and it being such a cold Friday night.

Hoseok didn’t know what made him stop.

On nights like these he usually passed over the bridge in a blur, over in 30 seconds and home within ten minutes of whatever bar he’d been dragged to that evening. He’d crack open a bottle of cheap vodka and smoke as many cigarettes as possible before collapsing in a heap on the couch. However, in between the glaring lights and whistling of the wind, something strange caught his eye. At first he’d slowed the bike down with a small twist of the handlebars and leant back on the seat to get a better view of the scene unfolding in front of him until eventually he’d drifted to a natural stop by the pavement and stopped his bike toppling over by leaning on his left leg. Through the support beams of the bridge Hoseok could see a silhouette, most probably male from its slim shape, dark against the artificial skyline and stood directly behind the pathway railing.

Hoseok frowned and pushed out his kickstand, peering at the boy with some morbid curiosity. Why was he on the outside beam? Had he climbed over the railing to get there? Hoseok supposed he was one of those reckless ‘parkour’ kids, or some kind of adrenaline seeking junkie but as he watched with narrowed eyes he saw the silhouette tug at his sleeves one last time before holding his arms out either side of him.

Like he was about to fly.

“Fucking hell,” He cursed to himself. The boy was about to launch himself off the fucking bridge.

In one quick manoeuvre Hoseok wrapped his leg back around the motorbike and slid off the seat. The movement wasn’t quite panicked but the speed at which he did it was close enough and he could feel his heart start to pound. The boy had lifted his foot and was leaning forward and with a sinking feeling in his stomach Hoseok realised that even if he’d been driving his bike he still wouldn’t be fast enough to reach him before he fell.

“Oi, Kid!” He yelled in desperation. 

The boy jerked, almost stumbling on the slim beam and Hoseok watched with baited breath as he steadied himself by latching onto the railing behind him before turning around to face him. A sigh of relief escaped Hoseok’s mouth when he realised the other boy wasn’t about to launch himself off the bridge. In the dim artificial lights of the occasional lamppost and the speeding cars behind them Hoseok could barely make out the face of the boy but he looked to be young, possible college age or maybe end of high school, face pale and dark circles prominent. He was definitely on the thin side, perhaps a little unhealthy but not enough to raise alarm bells. The clothing he wore was neutral and consisted of a thin long sleeved jumper with tattered sleeves that blew loosely in the breeze and a pair of slightly muddied jeans.

For some reason he wasn’t wearing any shoes. 

His feet looked bruised and Hoseok wondered why the fuck he wasn’t shivering. Even in his full leather and clunky bucked boots he felt the chill reach his skin and yet the boy stood on the tiny beam with the wind pulling at his clothes and didn’t seem the one bit affected by the temperature.

“Are you fucking stupid?” Hoseok yelled at the edge of the pavement. He was afraid the wind would carry his voice away before it reached the other boy but luckily he seemed to hear. His face knit together in a confused frown and Hoseok wondered if maybe that hadn’t been the right thing to say. Should he be softer? Approach him carefully like a scared animal? Hold his hands out in surrender?

When the other boy didn’t reply Hoseok let out a huff and ran his hands through his hair. He leaned back on his motorbike but didn’t take his eyes off of him. Afraid that making an attempt to move closer would encourage him to jump he made the decision not to move from the edge of the pavement despite the precarious position he was in before he spoke again. “What the fuck are you doing?”

The boys eyes widened at his brusque words and Hoseok was suddenly stuck by how vulnerable he looked. Sure, his silence was scary and the city backdrop provided the perfect atmosphere for a dramatic stunt of courage, but as the boy stared at him blankly he looked positively fragile. All of a sudden Hoseok was ever so slightly scared. He felt a little nauseous and if it wasn’t for the alcohol clouding his brain he probably would be panicking. He hadn’t meant to stop, hadn’t meant to invest himself in this little kid, but here he was and he didn’t even know how the fuck to get him to climb back over the railing.

Hoseok felt his heart skip a beat when the other boy opened his mouth to speak.

“Leave me alone,”

His voice was quiet yet steady. Deeper then Hoseok expected but soft on the wind and he had to strain his ears to hear his gentle tone over the whizz of traffic flying behind his back.

“You were about to jump off that bridge,” Hoseok stated bluntly. He maintained an air of nonchalance and watched with a neutral face as the other boy shrugged lightly in reply, eyes still wide with confusion. Now that the stranger had spoken he could feel his heartrate slow a little, not exactly confident in his ability to talk him down but at least he wasn’t dealing with some kind of mute.

“You know what? I totally get it. Fuck, jumping off a bridge sounds like a good idea right now even to me. The feeling of flying? Sign me the fuck up for that,” Hoseok fumbled around in his pocket as he spoke, fingertips scraping his packet of cigarette and lighter before curling around the thing he was searching for. He pulled the stick out of his pocket and tore at the vivid plastic wrapper of the lollipop with his teeth but even during this action he didn’t dare take his eyes off the boy who was still balanced precariously on the ledge.

“But Kid, you wanna know what else is like flying? Riding this lovely lady here,” Hoseok patted his bike confidently and popped the lollipop into his mouth before deciding to speak again. He watched the boy with careful eyes as the strawberry flavour danced on his tongue and he slowly took in in his small demeanour and lack of movement as he did so. “Yamaha. MT branded. Fucking good bike. You ride this and you aren’t just flying till you hit the ground with a splat, nah, this shit makes you fucking invincible. Now I know hittin’ the water might seem like a good fucking idea right now but I promise you it aint ‘cos riding this beaut is a much better Friday night then having your body dragged out a river by some poor old fisherman. How bout you give it a go, yeah? Hop on, we can go for a ride, stay at mine for a bit and talk shit out, all you gotta do is climb back over that railing and then I’ll show you an even better way to fly,”

Hoseok refused to stop talking. He wasn’t rambling, he was annunciating the syllables of each word he spoke, not in a patronising way but to make the offer clear. Whenever he was off in some drunk haze his friends bought him round with the distractions of words, talking about nothing and everything at the same time and leading him away from whatever was happening in the moment. It was a form of sensory overload, he supposed, but in a slightly less destructive way. By distracting the brain from the current situation and feeding it different information it could be lead into a safer environment and at that moment, as the other boys brow knit together and his eyes scanned over the lollipop in his hand, Hoseok knew it was working.

“I’m trying to stop smoking,” Hoseok said simply in response to the other boys confused glance at the lollipop in his hand and it was a fucking lie but he supposed the kid didn’t know any better. He wasn’t trying to stop smoking but there was no way in hell he was wasting another cigarette stubbed out on the concrete ground after only a puff or two because he had a feeling this conversation would be over quicker than it had begun. He always kept a few lollipops handy for situations like this, where it was inconvenient to light up and drag out the smoke but he needed something to calm himself down and the mere action of having something cigarette shaped held against his lips relaxed his shaking hands somewhat. He forced a friendly grin onto his face. “It’s not fucking working very well, but what can you do?” 

“Why do you care if I die?” The boy spoke again after a few beats of silence, slightly louder this time, his voice not entirely whisked away by the wind.

“I don’t,” Hoseok shrugged and he gauged the other boys reaction. No flinch, no tears, just stoic silence.

“Oh,” He frowned and glanced over his shoulder at the water below him before turning back to Hoseok. The wind was beginning to pick up and the older boy was worried that if he didn’t climb back over the railing within the next few minutes he’d be blown right off the beam he balanced on. “What makes you think you can stop me?”

It was Hoseok’s turn to offer a shrug as he pulled the lollipop out of his mouth with a satisfying sound. “I can’t. If you jump off that bridge you’ll die, and I’m ten fucking meters away in full leather so there’s no way I’d reach you time. Fucking hell Kid, if you jump off that bridge I’ll get back on my bike, go home and smoke a pack of cigarettes because I fuckin’ need one and I’m already drunk as it is, I don’t care,”

He took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair as he exhaled. “But.. but I can’t bring myself to pass by and watch some Kid throw himself off a bridge because he’s got Daddy issues or whatever. That shit ain’t right,”

There was a pause before the other boy spoke softly. “I don’t have Daddy issues,”

Hoseok felt his face lift into an amused smile. “Mommy issues then. You gonna get on this bike?”

“No,” The black-haired boy shook his head and looked back at the water. “I’m going to kill myself,”

He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

As he peered out at the water below him Hoseok sighed and shook his head. He’d all but given up at this point. He’d never learnt how to converse with people and apparently that even applied here because despite his witty charms and motorbike the younger boy was still intent on throwing himself off the fucking bridge.

“Fine, whatever. At least I tried,” With a slight shake of his head Hoseok tore his eyes away from the strange boy stood on the beam and hooked his leg back over the leather seat. He couldn’t believe he was about to leave him there, most likely just so he could launch himself off the bridge when he had sped away on his bike, but Hoseok didn’t know what else he could do and if he was honest with himself he just wanted to get back home and have a real cigarette, not suck on the stupid strawberry shit in his mouth. He should call the police at least or maybe the coastguard and alert them to the presence of a suicidal boy but he felt like that would be too invasive and slightly pointless considering the boy looked to be about to blow away in the wind. He was in no place to decide whether or not somebody wanted to die and yet it almost made him sad that his feeble efforts to talk him down hadn’t worked. If he couldn’t even save somebody else what on earth was he going to do with himself?

After a few seconds of careful contemplation, he pulled the lollipop out of his mouth and turned to look back at the boy one last time before he spoke over the howling wind.

“I have vodka. Back at my place,” He shouted.

“What?” The other boy whipped his body around again just to stare at him with wide eyes.

“Cigarettes too, if you’re into that!”

The other boy watched him with a dumbfounded expression and Hoseok ignored his shocked face as he felt a grin pull at his own. With a smooth flick of the wrist he twisted the ignition. The rev of the engine coursed through his body and was loud even over the speeding traffic behind him. “Hop on and I’ll show you what flying is really like!”

The boy stared at him blankly and Hoseok offered him a rare soft smile. “Just for one night? You can kill yourself tomorrow fine by me, but at least for a night come escape whatever you’re running from and crash at mine instead,”

He revved the engine again and grinned. “C’mon Kid, this shit’s better then death!”

For a second Hoseok didn’t think it would work. The stranger had turned around and peered over at the water for a fraction of a second too long and Hoseok’s stomach twisted into knots imagining the scream as he fell and the sick crunch of bones when he hit the water below, until, miraculously, he slowly placed his unsteady hands back on the railing. He watched with his breath caught in his throat at the other boy struggled his way over the railing, hooking one leg over and then another until he was sat right on the edge before dropping down to land on the concrete of the bridge.

He’d done it. He’d fucking done it. Saved some stupid kid from launching himself off a beam and going splat when he hit the water below.

With a proud grin on his face he revved the engine to get the kid’s attention as he seemed to be frozen to the spot despite not being stood above a hundred foot drop. The other boy looked up with a start and locked eyes with Hoseok, face confused, almost as if he was wondering whether or not he’d made the right decision before his expression hardened and he approached the vehicle slowly.

Hoseok really couldn’t help the grin pull at his face as he saw the other boy eye his bike with a somewhat daring expression before glancing back at him. Fuck, now he was closer Hoseok could really see his features – high bridged nose, pretty eyelashes, lips chapped but just the right shade of pink– and if he didn’t look half dead in the shifting artificial light with those circles under his eyes he would have said he was attractive.

“You ready to fly, kid?” He raised his eyebrows in challenge.

“I’m not a kid,” He mumbled and Hoseok revved the engine loudly, causing him to jump and a laugh to escape Hoseoks mouth at the startled expression on his face. That was until the kid began to pull himself onto the motorbike without being asked, swinging his bare foot over the body and clambering rather clumsily onto the leather seat. Hoseok admired his recklessness as not many would be so confident in doing something without instruction especially when it involved getting close to him. Hoseok could feel the warmth of the other boy pressed into his back even through his thick leather jacket and he couldn’t help the smirk that pulled at his features. Now he wasn’t in any immediate danger he felt like having fun.

“Hold on Kid,” He looked back with a grin. “Hold on tight,”

The kid looked into his eyes daringly as he wrapped his arms around his waist and Hoseok supposed that you had to have a lot of courage to want to kill yourself. It was no wonder this kid was so fearless. In one smooth motion, he flicked back the kickstand with his heel and pulled on the handlebars, electing a surprised gasp from the other boy and as they shot into the oncoming traffic Hoseok laughed into the fast night air as he felt arms pull tight against his stomach.

With a final snap of the wrist Hoseok let the lollipop fall from between his fingers, shattering into tiny strawberry flavoured shards as it hit the ground behind them and they sped into the night.

 

 

 

 

The strangers apartment smelt like booze.

That’s the first thing Chankgyun noticed upon stepping through the low door, hair dishevelled from the long motorbike ride and hands numb from the cold. The odour was strong and left a stinging sensation in his throat whenever he breathed in. He wondered how much you had to drink to intoxicate people just by making them enter into the room and he came to the conclusion that it was a lot.

Changkyun didn’t know why he’d chosen to climb back over the railing and accept a ride to a stranger’s house but in his adrenaline dazed state he didn’t really want to figure it out. It had been reckless, and dangerous, and as far as he knew the wild boy with the baby pink motorbike and mess of bleached hair could have lured him back to this apartment to cut up his body and store it in the fridge or some stupid shit like that. He wouldn’t put it past him – the stranger had a pretty face but dangerous smirk and the multiple piercings hanging from his ear certainly didn’t give a good first impression.

However this stranger was also the kind soul who had talked him down from his death bed with the offer of a place to crash and some booze as well. He’d offered a ride on some expensive looking motorbike and Changkyun had foolishly accepted, clambering onto the bike without allowing himself to think twice, and the taste of the city as it shot by in a blur of neon lights and drunken shouts still lingered on his tongue. As they’d woven through moving vehicles and cut across red lights Changkyun had wanted to squeeze his eyes shut but he forced himself to keep them open, relishing not only in the pain of the wind slicing at his cold skin but also the otherworldy sight of a city passing by in a blur of a hundred miles per hour. He remembered laughing at the absurdity of it and the meaninglessness of the people on the sidewalk as he’d tightened his arms around the stranger in front of him. They hadn’t known he’d just tried to kill himself. They hadn’t known he’d just accepted a ride with a complete stranger and was on his way back to drink until his death wish disappeared. It all seemed so.. stupid, and yet, in his tired haze as he stepped into the apartment and took it all in, he realised the stranger had been wrong. Riding the motorbike made him feel the rush of adrenaline he craved and gave him the same twist of fear he’d felt stood barefoot on the beam of the bridge but he still wanted to fucking die.

Changkyun stopped just inside the doorway. The room was small and boxy, slightly rectangular, and had a low ceiling with inlaid lights that weren’t switched on. Rather, the light illuminating the apartment came from a cheap looking lamp stood just by a stained couch, the yellow hues bouncing off of the dirty clothes strewn all around the floor as well as the grey coffee table. On it balanced a few bottles of what seemed to be off-brand vodka as well as a few expensive cans of Soju strewn next to a collection of stubbed out cigarette butts and a half full bowl of cereal. Frosties. For some reason, the fact that the badass leather stranger with multiple piercings in his ear ate Frosties for breakfast made a smile tug at the corner of Changkyun’s lips.

There appeared to be two other doors leading off from the main apartment area, with one door opened slightly to reveal the tiled floor of a bathroom and the other tightly shut but he supposed it lead to the bedroom. Separated from the rest of the living room by a small breakfast bar was a kitchen that consisted of a normal oven and fridge as well as a sink piled high with dirty dishes and even the kitchen counters were littered in the remnants of cigarette butts and empty bottles interspersed with the occasional empty ramen packet. As Changkyun watched with curious eyes the stranger shrugged off his leather jacket and draped it over the back of the coach before making his way into the kitchen area. He flicked the light on with a sigh and proceeded to run his hand through his dishevelled hair, dragging his fingers along the countertop before settling on opening the humming fridge forcefully. Stacked on the shelves were a miscellaneous collection of items ranging from multiple different bottles to a whole carton of milk and even a few veggies packed away in neat little compartments. Changkyun saw the stranger grab two bottles in one hand almost as if he’d practiced the motion before and then push the fridge door shut with the palm of his other hand. 

His eyes lingered on the stranger’s black t-shirt he had exposed on taking off his jacket earlier, taking in the noticeably pale skin of his arms and the subtle flex of his tendons under his skin as he popped both corks with a grunt and he noticed what appeared to be black ink peeking out from under the tight material of the sleeves. The stranger had a tattoo? The realisation didn’t surprise him. He definitely looked like somebody who’d have multiple tattoos, maybe the stereotypical ‘mom’ encased in a heart on his bicep would fit his biker aesthetic, but the scrawling of ink combined with the leather jacket he’d removed, clunky biker boots and slicked back bleached hair all screamed trouble. While Changkyun wasn’t scared he was certainly wary, for despite not giving a fuck whether he woke up the next day alive, somehow death by badass biker didn’t quite appeal to him as much as throwing himself off a bridge.

Changkyun didn’t move from his awkward spot by the door and instead watched as the other boy walked over to him with one hand held out. He was offering him the vodka. In any other situation he would have declined because he didn’t trust himself drunk, especially not alone with a stranger, but under the scrutiny of such a watchful eye he felt as if he should be drinking. It was almost as if the stranger expected him to down the bottle in just one go and for whatever reason Changkyun felt the overwhelming urge to prove that he could. The other boy had seen him stand somewhat fearless at the edge of a bridge that to decline something as simple as alcohol seemed pointless and so, with eyebrows raised and head tilted slightly, he gingerly took hold of the bottle and felt the cold glass under his hand, the smooth outline of the neck and bulk of the body and the ridges of the label. They stood like for a few seconds with the stranger not letting go of the bottle until Changkyun’s hesitation had ceased and his hands had tugged on the neck. He felt like he should be proving his worth to the older boy who looked to have long finished school and so, ignoring the twist of anxiousness in his stomach, he held the rim of the bottle up to his lips and locked eyes with the stranger as he took a daring swig.

The alcohol fucking burned. The taste of the liquor was far stronger then anything Changkyun had tried in the past and he couldn’t hold back the violent splutter that followed as it stung his nose and threatened to force its way back up his throat. The stranger laughed at his coughs before taking a controlled sip of his own drink and moving to sit on the couch behind him. Changkyun stayed standing by the door and watched him settle into a comfortable position, one hand along the top of the coach and the other draped over the arm and holding tightly onto the bottle.

“Cmon kid, sit down, I don’t bite,” He motioned him over casually, talking as if they were classmates or neighbours instead of complete and utter strangers.

Changkyun hesitated for a few seconds and then carefully made his way over to the couch, feeling the wood under his bare feet as he skirted around the dirty clothes and over the cigarettes before perching right on the edge of the seat. There was a strange unnerving feeling crawling up his throat and he didn’t know if it was the alcohol on an empty stomach or the completely alien environment but his stomach was beginning to twist into knots.

“Why don’t you have shoes on?” The stranger asked curiously in a halfhearted attempt to start a conversation. He loosely waved his bottle filled hand towards Changkyun before taking another swig and he watched the liquid slosh down the other boys throat before he too lifted the cold bottle to his lips and tried not to choke on the taste of the liquor searing the back of his mouth.

“I lost them,” His voice was hoarse just from the alcohol and he really wanted to smack the amused look off the other boys face.

“Fair enough,” He grinned and took another swig. “What’s your name kid? Does saving your life mean we can know each other’s name?”

Changkyun shrugged, his mind preoccupied by the beginnings of intoxication. The room was starting to look a little cloudy and there was a feeble headache starting to pull at his inner temples. He supposed it was the lack of sleep because he couldn’t remember the last time he’d closed his eyes for more then a couple of hours but it also could have been the Vodka, cheap and undilute, starting to drip into his veins. Perhaps it was the crash after such an adrenaline high because, despite the remnants of the fear he had felt balanced on the beam of the bridge still lingering in his stomach , the numbing buzz he’d experienced that had removed him from reality was starting to fade. Had he.. had he just stood at the edge of a bridge? Had he been about to launch himself off it?

“Nice name,” He stranger had laughed with that cocky lilt in his voice when there came no reply. “I’m Hoseok, Shin Hoseok. Resident biker and occasional suicide preventionist,”

The joke fell flat in the relative silence of the room but neither of them really seemed to mind.

“It’s nice to meet you Hoseok. Uh, thank you, I guess,” Changkyun frowned as his fingers traced the rim of the bottle lightly. “I mean, not thank you because I really wanted to fucking die, but I guess thank you for stopping me doing it?”

“No problem Kid, I get it. I’m sorry that you even got that far in the first place, nobody deserves to feel as fucked up as that,” In his haze Changkyun didn’t even care that the stranger, Hoseok, had just called him fucked up because it was kind of true even if he didn’t like to admit it. He supposed that constantly wanting to die doesn’t really count as normalcy despite his attempt at conveying it as such.

All of a sudden Hoseok grunted and reached into his pocket after placing the bottle in his hand on the carpet beside the couch, fumbling around until he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a pink lighter. Changkyun watched with morbid curiosity as he flicked up the lid of the small cardboard box in what seemed to be a practiced manoeuvre and pulled out on of the sticks. He noted the pale beige of the filter and the pre-rolled tobacco blend concealed within the white filter paper before Hoseok’s finger skimmed the edge of the lighter and struck a flame directly over the end of the cigarette. Hoseok took a long drag from the butt of the stick and sighed in relief, small smile tugging at the corner of lips, pulling it away from his lips and watching the smoke swirl intricate patterns of poison above his head.

With a callous tap the other boy sprinkled ash onto the carpet before holding it out to Changkyun. “Want a bit?” 

Changkyun shook his head and wrinkled his nose. While he had no problem with other people smoking or even lighting up right next to him like Hoseok just had there was no way he’d ever want to smoke. He wanted his death to be quick and impactful and smoking until he either ran out of money or healthy lung tissue didn’t really seem like his way to go. Hoseok shrugged and took another drag of the cigarette. “Fair enough. Vodka’s one thing, but once you start on this shit you aint stoppin’,”

In the haze of the lamps yellow light Changkyun was finding it hard to focus on anything and despite a glance around the room everything was beginning to look a little blurry. Transferring his bottle to one hand only he screwed his face up and rubbed his eyes in an attempt to restore some of his vision.

“You should sleep kid. You look like death,” Hoseok laughed softly. 

“I don’t really sleep,”

“Nah, you just throw yourself of bridges. Typical Friday night really,”

There was a few seconds of silence in which Hoseok entertained his own joke until, all of sudden, Changkyun started to laugh. A small smile began tugging at the corner of his lips before a giggle was forcing it’s way up his burning throat as he sat on the strangers couch clutching a bottle of vile smelling vodka in both of his hands and wearing clothes he’d been in for three days because it was just all so funny. Who does what he’d done that night? Walk miles barefoot, almost die, then end up in some strangers apartment with vodka in their hands?

“I just.. I just tried to kill myself,” He laughed and looked at the stranger in wide eyed disbelief. “I just tried to fucking kill myself,”

“Yeah you did, you fucking idiot,” Hoseok laughed with him but it was noticeably more amused then the hysteria spilling out of Changkyun’s mouth. “I was there remember? I had to talk you down,”

“Fuck. Fucking hell, I mean I want to die but like.. fuck man,” He said, his laughter trailing off into a small chuckle. Changkyun could feel his eyes closing and he struggled to keep them open, blinking hard as he focused on one of the cigarette butts stubbed out on the coffee table Hoseok was resting his feet on. The cloud from the alcohol as well as the tiredness of his limbs from walking so far to the bridge was starting to take a toll on him, not to mention the smoke Hoseok kept exhaling in between swigs from his bottle was being dragged up his own nose and forced back out in sporadic coughs.

“You don’t drink vodka usually, do you?” Hoseok’s voice seemed far away from where he was and was once again tinged with some kind of amusement. “Sleep kid. I’ll still be here when you wake up, and so will this drink,”

“I’m.. I’m not a kid,” Changkyun mumbled in retaliation, the dirty room fading in and out of his vision as he struggled to stay awake. He couldn’t sleep now, not after everything that had happened, although even with his determination to keep his eyes open his body had other ideas and he felt himself falling into unconsciousness.

“Sure you aren’t,” Hoseok had laughed softly before speaking again, but Changkyun couldn’t hear the last thing the other boy said because he had already drifted off into sleep.

 

 

 

 

Hoseok peeled his eyes open to the light sound of the shuffle of feet on carpet.

It can’t have been later then seven when he’d been pulled from his sleep as the light streaming through the singular window and settling on the floor was dewy and very unlike the intense beams present during midday, his usual time of awakening. His apartment was a mess like usual, smelling strongly of tobacco and the still open bottle left on the coffee table was leaking fumes into the air as well, not to mention the half full cereal bowl on the counter had been sat there for almost twenty four hours. He’d clean it up later, he told himself with a sigh, attempting to force himself upright from his uncomfortable position on the couch. It didn’t surprise him that he’d slept on the sofa for he did it often enough when he was too drunk or high to really care about his bed but no matter what position he fell unconscious in he still always woke with a pounding head and aching back.

He groaned and clutched his head with his hand which incurred a soft laugh from across the room. Upon hearing that sound Hoseok flinched and looked around the room wearily, confused but fully prepared to lash out at the intruder in his home, before his aching eyes landed on who was actually in his apartment. It was the kid, the one he’d saved last night.

He couldn’t really remember much from the night previously, whether it was down to the three hours of sleep or the acute hangover he was experiencing, but what he could remember was the other boy had taken his offer of cheap vodka and a motorbike ride over suicide. They hadn’t talked for long as it had become clear the other boy was exhausted and despite only a few sips of alcohol he’d fallen asleep rather quickly, but not before erupting into hysterics over his stupid antics. Hoseok supposed the other boy was fucking crazy but for some reason it didn’t bother him. Maybe it was his pretty eyelashes or the gentle slope of his lips, or perhaps it was the fact that he was so daring he was prepared to drink from some strangers bottle and fall asleep on their couch without knowing a thing about them. If Hoseok’s head wasn’t as pained as it was right then he would have liked to get to know the kid a little better, maybe offered him some shitty tea to help cure his hangover, but as the room came in to focus he realised the other boy was reaching to open the door.

“Fucking hell kid, you off already?” He mumbled sleepily and with a yawn Hoseok ruffled his hair before stretching his back out, grimacing at the ache of his back and the pounding of his head. He really needed to stop drinking, that shit hurt in the morning.

The other boy shrugged, meeting his haze for only a fleeting second before turning and pulling on the door to open it. Hoseok supposed he should be concerned that he’d forgotten to lock his door the previous night but at the same time he doubted anybody would want to enter his apartment uninvited let alone steal the stubbed out cigarette butts or empty bottles strewn around the room.

Hoseok sighed when he realised the other boy wasn’t going to stay for much longer. “Take care, yeah? You know where I live now. If you ever want a place to crash again, I’m here,”

The other boy nodded. Even that tiny movement was enough to make Hoseok’s stomach twist in relief but also the remnants of worry. He had no qualms about letting people do whatever they wanted with their life, whether that meant drinking all the time or throwing themselves off bridges, but for some reason he felt an emotional attachment to that kid. He understood how the other boy felt, however loosely, because despite his constant reassurance that he was fine his self-destructive habits probably weren’t the healthiest of actions either. Whatever the case was he did want to make sure the other boy was going to be okay so when he’d nodded at his suggestion of a place to crash instead of offing himself he’d felt a little more at peace with himself.

The boy had given him a small smile and a wave before heading out the door and Hoseok was struck by his reluctance to stay. Was he that desperate to leave? Would he ever see him again?

“Wait, Kid,” He spoke louder this time although his words were still a little slurred. “What’s your name? You never told me,”

The kid looked at him for a few seconds, seemingly contemplating the answer, and just as Hoseok thought he was finally going to get it he gave a shy smile and closed the door behind him, his steps fading away into the distance as he wandered down the hall. Hoseok was left there in his apartment, empty bottles of vodka strewn on his coffee table and a headache pounding his temples, back aching and eyes glazed, wondering how on earth last night had managed to go so completely astray. He thought of the other boy and his frightened eyes and daredevil personality and how he’d accepted the ride with a stranger and seemed so calm despite standing on the edge of a bridge mere hours ago. 

With another yawn Hoseok slumped back into the couch, mind still thinking about the kid in tattered jeans and thin threadbare jumper.

He couldn’t help but smile when he realised the other boy had left without wearing any shoes.

 

 


	2. ready as i'll ever be

It had been over a week since Hoseok had bid farewell to the kid in his apartment.

Not that he had been counting the days, he was far too callous about everything else in his life to find much meaning in the absence of a boy he barely knew, but for some strange reason not knowing whether the stranger was alive or dead was somewhat unnerving. He supposed it was the latter because despite the one night spent in his shitty apartment with free vodka and a couch to sleep on Hoseok doubted that one ride on a motorbike was enough to bring somebody’s suicidal thoughts to a halt.

At least, he hoped it was enough.

He hadn’t done much in that week that had passed since the strange night had occurred. Most of his time had been spent lounging around in his apartment, chain smoking cigarettes and drinking until he forgot how to light his next one. He’d been dragged out by Jooheon twice in total, and while during the first night he’d actually struck up a semi decent conversation with some other guy at the bar he hadn’t really been able to enjoy himself at all the second night. The tiny niggle of worry was still eating away at some remote corner of his mind and while he knew it was nonsensical and the other boy was probably dead by now he couldn’t help steering his bike over the bridge on his way back from the bar each time at a slower speed than usual. Just in case.

With a considerably melancholy sigh Hoseok lifted his pale hand up to his mouth, fingers curled delicately around the cigarette he held, and took a drag from the end of the stick. He felt the warmth of the hot air moving past the lit end spread throughout his chest and settle in his lungs, his brain enveloped in its nicotine comfort blanket and face wrapped within the smoke he exhaled as he let his head fall back on the couch behind him. The brief high he experienced just from the one cigarette made little lights dance in front of his eyes and the shaking of his hands steady. Hoseok couldn’t remember a time before he’d started to smoke, there was no such place in his mind. There had always been the comfort blanket that was the slow drag on the filter paper, the blossom of warmth just beneath his ribs, the waning of his headache usually incurred from whatever he’d drunk that night and he liked it that way. He couldn’t imagine a world without pulling out his lighter and cheap box of cigarettes any time he needed just to stop the shaking of his hands and he didn’t really want to.

The smell of tobacco clung to his skin just like the smell of booze. A quick glance at his coffee table reminded him that he hadn’t finished his bottle of Soju yet for the gentle hiss of carbonation could still be heard bouncing around in the can – he much preferred the fizz of canned beer instead of the distilled version held in the little green bottles simply because the added flavour of the sparkling drink washed away the chemical taste of whatever cigarette he was smoking at the time. It was his second can that day and considering he’d been up since three in the afternoon and it was now creeping into the early hours of the next morning he was quite proud of himself for not being more intoxicated. The sun had long since disappeared under the horizon so Hoseok sat in his apartment lit by the fluorescent kitchen lights and hum of cars from outside his one window just thinking of all the things he shouldn’t be thinking about, like the slope of the stranger’s lips when he spoke and the crinkle of his eyes when he’d laughed.

All of a sudden his phone began to slide along the coffee table in front of him, the hum of the vibrations causing it’s movement and reverberating through the wooden surface it was laid upon, and the intrusive sound caused him to jerk in surprise before giving a small groan. With a sigh Hoseok forced himself into an upright position and, after scratching the side of his head in irritation and tapping ash onto the already dirty carpet, he picked up his phone and held it to his ear.

There were a few seconds where his phone just continued to vibrate in his hand and that was when Hoseok realised he should probably accept the call rather than just hold it a few centimetres from his head in his drunken state. When he finally did press the little green button on the screen of his phone he was already annoyed with whatever conversation was about to take place and the explosion of noise that echoed from the speaker after he did so confirmed his suspicions.

“ _Hoseok!_ ” The voice was far too loud for his headache and he let out a small groan upon hearing the familiar sound. He knew who it was and he really, really wished he didn’t.

“Fuck off,” He rubbed a tired hand over his face, not even attempting to disguise the irritation in his voice.

“ _You have such a way with words brother,_ ” Jooheon’s tinny laugh echoed through the phone and made Hoseok head pound and so, while the other boy continued to speak, he picked up the can stood on the coffee table and took a long swig of the alcohol. “ _Anyway, I was calling to ask – wait, fuck, are you drinking?_ ”

“The fuck you think I’m doing?” Hoseok rolled his eyes and downed the rest of the can in one go, relishing in the warmth the carbonated drink spread throughout his chest and instantly making him feel more awake. With a flick of his wrist he let the bottle fall somewhere over the couch behind him and from the sound of the metal on tile it had landed on the kitchen floor. He shrugged and told himself he’d clean it up later.

“ _I can’t fucking believe -_ ”

“Don’t lecture me, okay? I know it’s bad shit, you don’t have to keep reminding me,” He spoke over Jooheon and there were a few seconds of silence in which he could hear the distant mumblings of other people through the speaker of the phone as well at the underlying hum of base. Was Jooheon out at another bar already? They’d only just spent the previous night at one together, Jooheon grinding on whoever was on the dance floor and Hoseok ordering more drinks then necessary, but for whatever reason the fact the other boy was already enjoying himself on another night out didn’t really surprise him. “Anyway, you were saying?”

“ _Oh fuck, yeah, I was calling you because I’m out at the Haneul club, you know the one?_ ”

Hoseok took a drag of the cigarette and shook his head. Unbelievable. Of all the places his friend could go without him by his side he picked the most boisterous club in Seoul? While Hoseok was never one for controlling other people’s life choices he considered this decision to be one of his friends worst yet. “Yes, I know the one Jooheon, everybody knows the one. What the fuck are you doing there alone?”

“ _Well I just thought I’d check it out ‘cos whats-his-name, oh god I can’t remember, the druggie one? Skinny? Used to have that bleached hair ‘till it got so thin it almost fell out?_ ” There was a sudden muffled shout from down the phone and Hoseok frowned but nodded despite the other boy not being able to see him.

“Shit, yeah, I know the one you mean. Gave me free weed one time, pretty cool guy,”

“ _Yeah, him! His fingers aren’t just great for shooting up-_ ” Once again there came an exclamation and the sound of somebody yelling and Hoseok couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of Jooheon getting smacked round the head for running his mouth like he always does. “ _Ah, fuck, I’m sorry okay! Anyway, druggie over here said the guy who runs Haneul is actually really cute so I came down to check it out and he was so right, holy fuck. Nice broad shoulders, skin so tanned I’d like to bathe in it, not to mention his lips are the perfect shape for a blowjob and-_ ”

Hoseok grimaced. “Jooheon! Please, just get to the point,”

“ _You’re so fucking impatient sometimes I swear to god Hoseok,_ ” He rolled his eyes at the other boys words but accepted that he was right, he’d never really been one for waiting. “ _Basically he’s having this lit as fuck party in like, two weeks time? Said me and a couple friends could all get in free if we bring a date and pay for our drink, so I was wondering-_ ”

Hoseok sighed and began talking before his friend could even finish his sentence. “I’m going to stop you right there and say no,”

“ _Aw, c’mon brother!_ ” Jooheon whined. The sounds of the club behind him were getting louder as were the other voices echoing through the phone and Hoseok wondered why he was even talking to him in the first place.

“No! I’m not going to your stupid fucking party, especially not at a place like Haneuls,”

“ _It’s not even for another two whole weeks! I’m asking now ‘cos I might actually be able to convince you before then, plus little druggie over here is giving me serious bedroom-eyes and I should probably go soon if I actually wanna get some -_ ”

Hoseok sighed and bit his cigarette between his teeth just so he could run his hand through the mess of his hair. “No Jooheon. I don’t mind coming with you to your stupid nights out at the bar ‘cos at least I can go home after a few hours and I usually get free drinks but I ain’t going anywhere near a place like Haneuls,”

“ _Is it the gay shit? Don’t tell me it’s the gay shit -_ ”

Hoseok’s brow knit together in a frown at the mere suggestion. “What? No, I just don’t wanna-”

“ _’Cos if it’s the gay shit that’s kinda hypocritical and-_ ” Jooheon, however, kept rambling, his voice somewhat matter-of fact and Hoseok felt each syllable grind on his nerves. He spoke over him again and this time his tone was coloured with irritation. 

“It’s not the gay shit brother,” He said firmly. “I just ain’t into that kind of party,”

“ _Are you sure? Because you said-_ ”

“I know what the fuck I said and you know I don’t really think that, right? It was over a year ago. I’ve changed,”

There was a short silence in which Hoseok could only hear the pounding bass of the club music as well as the gentle tinkle of glass in the background as drinks were prepared and the slight twist of anger in his stomach seemed intensified by the lack of talking. It was only when the other boy spoke again that he felt his body relax and he let out a sigh of relief at the apologetic tone of his voice.

“ _Right. Sorry brother, I believe you. Besides, I still got a while to convince you and you bet your ass I’m gonna try my hardest,_ ”

“Okay you little fucker, try all you want but my ass ain’t being dragged to Haneuls anytime soon. Call me with the details of you and druggie later!” Hoseok allowed a small smile to pull at the corner of his lips just imagining the blush spreading across the other boy's cheeks.

“ _Will do dumbass, don’t drink too much!_ ”

As Jooheon hung up Hoseok could practically picture his grin in his mind. He felt the familiar spike of irritation just at the thought of the other boy being amused but it was quickly replaced by a sense of warmth not unlike a long drag of a cigarette or the downing of a bottle, except this kind of warmth wasn’t incurred by the consumption of some kind of drug but rather just the interaction with his friend. Despite their incessant teasing they really did love each other – not in the sappy drama way but in a true bond of brothers. They’d been with each other through all kinds of shit and even though their conversations mostly took place over drinks at shitty bars or the phone nowadays the bond they’d incurred while still at school was almost unbreakable. Hoseok was slightly irked by the inclination that Jooheon thought he’d be bothered by the ‘gay shit’ of Haneuls because they knew each other well enough by now. He supposed it was probably Jooheon’s own insecurities shining through, so with a sigh he threw his phone onto the couch next to him and lifted his cigarette to his lips once again.

Hoseok had thought he’d at least get a few hours of peace before he’d pass out from exhaustion at around the sunrise mark, perhaps drinking another few beers or wandering down to the twenty-four hour corner shop to pick up a couple more packets of cheap cigarettes, but apparently that wasn’t going to be the case for he’d only just leaned back onto the couch behind him when there came three loud knocks from the direction of the door.

Somebody was knocking on his door.

The action alone was enough to confuse him. Slightly tipsy and having just spoken to his only real friend, Hoseok could only wonder who on earth would be knocking on his door at such an absurd time. It couldn’t be the apartment block owner, could it? No, one glance at the old clock on the coffee table told him it had just passed one and the guy who owned these flats was usually as drunk as him and only ever turned up around noon on a Friday and certainly not in the early hours of Monday morning. There was nobody it could be and as he began to assume he’d imagined the whole ordeal there came three more timid knocks against the wood.

With a sigh Hoseok realised he’d have to get up to open it if only to be polite and, if he was honest with himself, telling the stranger behind the door that it was unlocked seemed slightly too informal for a person he didn’t even know and yet he was still very much tempted by the thought. Shaking his head lightly he took one final drag from his cigarette before stubbing it out on the coffee table in front of him after pulling his feet from where they had been propped on the surface. He hauled himself off the couch and padded over to the door, not bothering to skirt around the occasional piece of clothing or bottle he’d promised himself he’d clean up later for even walking in a straight line after downing the rest of that beer was difficult. He purposely ignored the peephole inlaid in the door and instead opted to just push down the handle and swing it open without so much as a second thought.

He was not prepared for the bedraggled boy who stood before him. Looking incredibly out of place in the dirty hallway of the apartment block, he wore a grey woollen jumper with threads hanging from the sleeves and a pair of black jeans, the hems folded up around his ankles and making his dirtied bare feet look even more bizarre when the pale skin clashed with the dark denim. That wasn’t what caught Hoseok’s attention though, oh no, for the boy stood in front of him looked incredibly unnerved, his hands fumbling with the stray fibres of wool and wide eyes staring directly into Hoseok’s. The bags under his eyes were pronounced and hinted at a severe lack of sleep and if it hadn’t been for the chill November night he probably would have been sweating. As it was he just looked cold, stood alone in the hallway just outside his apartment, lit only by the dim artificial lights.

With a start Hoseok realised that it was the kid. The kid he’d saved from the bridge, the one who’d spent the night at his flat after trying to kill himself and hadn’t even told him his name like some fucked up modern day Cinderella.

The kid that he’d been worrying about for the past nine days was now stood outside his apartment wearing little to nothing in the beginning of winter and he was too surprised to even say hello.

He was even shorter then Hoseok. 

The other boy glanced into the apartment and spoke, his words quiet and slightly shaky. “Can I come in?”

Hoseok just stared at him, moving to the side in bewilderment when he put his head down and walked straight into the apartment, disregarding his lack of reply completely and beginning to talk in a rush. His words were jittery and as he spoke he gestured with his hands in an anxious way, eyes darting around the flat.

“Uh, hi, um, I felt like dying again, so like, I came here ‘cos you said if I was ever gonna do stupid shit again I could come here instead, yeah?” He looked up at him with wide eyes.

Hoseok gaped at him, the alcohol in clouding his brain ever so slightly and making a reaction difficult. Unable to process what the other boy was saying he simply stood there and stared, watching the frantic way the Kid pulled at his sleeves as he stood in the middle of his apartment looking incredibly out of place in his soft jumper surrounded by empty bottles and dirty furniture.

The boy took an unsteady breath and kept talking. “If you want me to go then I totally will because I do understand, but like I was at the edge of the bridge again ‘nd then I remembered you have enough cheap vodka for the both of us,”

Hoseok took a second to rub his face before motioning for the other boy to calm down with his hand. He was incredibly overwhelmed and the other boy seemed almost hysterical. While he had no qualms about the younger boy showing up out of the blue in the early hours of the morning he really needed a moment to process what was happening. “Fuck Kid, slow down, please -” He mumbled but was abruptly cut off by a breathy voice.

“I’m sorry. I’ll go if you want,” He sounded apologetic and Hoseok felt his stomach twist. He hadn’t meant to sound irritated, if anything the presence of the other boy relieved him of his previous worry, but right now he looked to be falling back in on himself just because he had spoken. “I just.. I just really want to fucking die and I’m so close to just doing it but at the same time I got a family and shit and me dying ain’t gonna help them and also I really really want a fucking drink,”

There was a silence in which he gasped for air after his rambling, dragging his eyes up from his shaking hands fiddling with his sleeves to look directly at Hoseok. After an unsteady breath the other boy seemed to be calming down and when he spoke again his voice was considerably less panicked. 

“My name is Changkyun, by the way,”

His words were quiet and, after a few seconds of silence, Hoseok began to laugh. It was involuntary really, mostly caused just by the surprise of the entire situation, but even to his ears he sounded relieved.

“It’s nice to meet you Changkyun,” He offered him a genuine smile and shook his head in disbelief. As he spoke he closed the front door slowly and began making his way past the couch where he had been sat a few seconds earlier and into the kitchen area. Upon moving he felt the other boys eyes follow his path across the apartment from where he was stood by the coffee table. “C’mon in I guess, I’ve already had too much to drink today and I’m gonna need a minute to process everything you just said but fuck it, I guess we’ll get wasted together,”

He shot the other boy a grin and was greeted with pretty wide eyes staring back at him. It was true what he said, he would need a minute to process what had just happened, but in the meantime he was happy to comply with the other boys requests and give him all the alcohol he wanted. Had the other boy really come here instead of ending his life? Was Hoseok really that important? For some reason the idea of the other boy deciding to come here as his refuge instead of doing something self-destructive made Hoseok’s chest swell with pride. He was saving somebody. He was doing something good.

After opening the fridge and pulling out two of the bottles – the same cheap brand as last time, brown glass cold in his hands – he turned around and gave the kid, no, Changkyun, a playful grin as he placed the bottles on the table and began peeling off the metal caps with a knife. “I’m still calling you Kid though, just so you know,” 

Changkyun frowned as he cautiously made his way into the kitchen area, hopping over the dirty clothes strewn around the floor and steering around the collection of bottles. Hoseok watched as he squinted his eyes when he crossed over onto the tile floor, most probably due to the brightness of the white lights inlaid in the low ceiling, and after glancing around the kitchen he spoke again in that slightly nervous voice of his. “I’m not a kid though, I’m like, nineteen. I’m literally an adult,”

The first cap came off with a pop and Hoseok laughed when Changkyun flinched in surprise. “I’m twenty four you little shit, stop talking informally,”

“I do what I want,” Hoseok glanced at the other boy to see there was a small smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. His tone was half indignant half daring and Hoseok automatically thought of the reckless way he’d spoken before clambering onto his motorbike over a week ago.

“Does that involve jumping off bridges and taking rides on stranger’s motorbikes?”

Changkyun’s mouth opened and closed a few times as Hoseok levered off the cap off the second bottle. “.. Sometimes,”

Hoseok frowned, holding out one of the bottles for the younger boy to take. “Hold up, if you’re nineteen does that mean you’re still in school?” Changkyun’s hand latched onto the glass and pulled it away from him without so much as a second thought. There had been no hesitation in his taking of the drink which was an interesting development from last time he’d been offered alcohol.

“Uh, yeah? Kind of. First year of college actually,”

“Holy shit, you really are a baby,” Hoseok laughed and shook his head in disbelief. He took a long swig from the bottle and grimaced at the sharp taste of the Vodka as it burned the back of his throat and pooled in his chest. “You know, I’m drinking just to forget you’re five years younger than me,”

“Babies don’t drink Vodka straight from the bottle,” Changkyun mumbled and he attempted to be boisterous by putting his head back and letting the alcohol flow straight down his throat. Hoseok was laughing even before he started coughing, eyes squeezed shut and face disgusted, and in the hilarity of the situation, he felt himself leaning back on the kitchen counter as he slid down to sit on the floor. The kid was looking at him with a slight blush on his cheeks and Hoseok couldn’t help but snicker.

“You’ve done that twice, both in my presence. I feel like I’m corrupting you,” He said with a grin, sipping the liquor and feeling the bitter taste explode on his tongue as he looked up at the boy from his position on the kitchen floor.

Changkyun wrinkled his nose and took hold of the side of the breakfast bar, lowering himself onto the tiles below to sit opposite Hoseok. With a sigh he brought his knees up to his chest and rested his hands on them, still clutching the bottle tightly, before leaning his head back on the wood behind him. “Shut up, I’m literally only here ‘cos I was about to off myself, I hardly doubt you can corrupt me,”

Hoseok didn’t know what to say in reply. The warmth of the alcohol was making his head swim a little and he looked around at the floor he was sat on. It was dirty, though not as much as he would have expected for his apparent lack of cleanliness, and his eyes landed on the empty beer can he’d thrown only a little while ago. One side of the can was dented inwards from the impact on the ceramic tiles and Hoseok sighed; he’d clean it up later.

Changkyun dropped his eyes to stare at the bottle in his hand. “I’m sorry. I don’t really talk much, I don’t know what normal people talk about,”

Hoseok snorted as he drank even more. “Kid, I’ve been outside of this apartment three times this week, how the fuck am I meant to know what’s normal?”

Changkyun fell silent and took another small sip of the alcohol. “You swear a lot,” He mumbled after a few seconds of staring at the ceiling.

“Force of habit,” Hoseok shrugged. He watched the other boy thoughtfully, taking in the dark circles still present under his eyes as well as the paleness of his skin. He looked fragile and with a shake of his head Hoseok realised that he didn’t even know how they’d both come to be sat on his kitchen floor with vodka in his hands. “Why are you here?” He asked, curiosity colouring his tone.

A smile pulled at the other boy’s face as he tilted his head back down to look at him. “I told you. I was at the bridge again, but some stupid part of my brain convinced me to come here instead. All I ever do is talk about wanting to die but shit, I’m too cowardly to do it,”

Hoseok snorted and took a swig from the bottle, eyebrows raised in surprise at his bluntness. “Fuck, Kid, calm down, it was only last week I had to talk you down,”

Changkyun grimaced and scratched his neck. “Shit. Yeah, sorry about that,”

“You’ve already apologised. I don’t mind, kind of spices up my own life a little,” He couldn’t help the small smile that crept onto his face but he couldn’t tell if he was amused at the situation or reassuring the other boy that his presence wasn’t a hassle. They sat in silence for a few more seconds, Changkyun staring intently at the bottle in his hand and Hoseok watching the way his body folded in on himself when he sat like that leaned against the bottom of the kitchen counter, until Hoseok posed a question that had been niggling at the corner of his mind since he’d managed to process the entire situation. He gestured loosely to the other boy and raised his eyebrows when he looked up at him. “Can I ask why you’re still not wearing shoes?”

Changkyun laughed softly and Hoseok watched as he looked down at his feet on the tiled floor and wiggled his toes. They were dirty and bruised and there were definitely a few scabs peeking out from the bottom of his soles. “They’re still lost,” He said with a sigh.

“It’s been nine days, how the fuck haven’t you found them yet?” Hoseok asked in disbelief although if he was honest the fact he still hadn’t found his shoes didn’t really surprise him. Just by looking at the other boy and noticing little details, like the price tag still peeking out from under his grey jumper or how his hair was slightly too long and fell just over his eyes, Hoseok could tell that Changkyun was not one for general upkeep. 

The other boy shrugged. “I dunno. I’ve been wearing my friend’s shoes for the past week but his feet are giant, I look like a fucking clown on campus,”

“You have friends?” Hoseok grinned and Changkyun rolled his eyes before sipping lightly on the bottle. His face screwed up into a grimace and he made a soft sound in response to the taste but in a few seconds his face quickly fell and he began fiddling with the threads on his sleeves.

“You don’t mind me being here, do you? I don’t want to seem like I’m annoying you. I’ll go if you want, you’re an adult and probably have things to do and -”

“Shut up,” Hoseok rolled his eyes and reached for his pocket, hands pulling his pack of cigarettes and lighter from the dark fabric of his jeans. “We hardly know each other but I think you’ve already gathered I ain’t one for courtesy. You can stay, I don’t give a shit,”

“But we don’t even know anything about each other -” The other boy was insistent on maintaining his apologetic tone and Hoseok had had enough. 

“Then tell me,” He said brusquely before slipping one of the sticks between his lips and inhaling, flicking the lighter as he did so and successfully lighting the butt of the cigarette. “Tell me about yourself. Why do you wanna die so bad? What’s your college major? Does your family know you’re hanging out with some twenty four year old biker on a Sunday night?”

There was a small silence in which Changkyun stared at the floor and Hoseok relished in the feeling of the hot air being dragged down his throat and the curl of smoke that escaped his mouth as he exhaled. He could feel the younger boy watching his actions as he leant his head against the kitchen cupboard behind him and rested his hand on his knee.

“Can I try a bit?” He said, slightly nervously. 

“What, of this?” Hoseok asked in bewilderment while gesturing to the cigarette and Changkyun nodded tentatively. “I thought you said you didn’t smoke?”

Changkyun shrugged. “I don’t. But I wanna try,”

The other boy had a habit of redirecting the conversation in an attempt to avoid certain topics and Hoseok was impressed; he’d skimmed over his request to get him to talk about himself and was now asking to smoke despite never having tried it before. Hoseok glanced at his cigarette with a frown before shrugging himself. “I mean, I guess? It’ll be your first time, right?”

Changkyun nodded. He was looking at Hoseok with eyes wide and innocent but he would be lying if the older boy wasn’t amused at the younger’s passion for doing stupid shit on a whim – first the bridge, then the motorbike, and now wanting to smoke? The kid really didn’t have an ounce of sense in him.

“Okay…” Hoseok raised his eyebrows, almost like this was some kind of challenge. “I’ll teach you then, but you gotta promise me you won’t go braggin’ to your friends about how some twenty-four year old dumbass taught you how to smoke ‘cos he was too drunk to say no,”

The younger boy offered a small smile at his joke and Hoseok shook his head with an amused sigh. He held out the cigarette across the small kitchen space and the boy sat opposite went to take it from him.

“Hold it like this, yeah? With all four of your fingers,” He began, motioning to the clasp he had on the stick before letting the other boy take it for himself. “Most people like to hold it with two but the problem with that is if your hand shakes at all ash is gonna spill all over you,”

Changkyun frowned as he fiddled with the cigarette, glancing from Hoseok's hand still in that position as a demonstration to his own, adjusting his fingers until all four of them were curled around the filter paper with his thumb resting on the bottom.

“You learn quick kid,” Hoseok laughed softly. “You start by just breathing through the cigarette. Suck on your cheeks if you need to and don’t be surprised by how hot it is, the air you're inhaling has literally been dragged through fire,”

Changkyun was listening intently, staring at the cigarette with wide eyes, and Hoseok was impressed with the way he seemed to be taking in everything he was saying. “You have to breathe in two parts, okay? If you just inhale the smoke it’ll escape when you open your mouth and that’s a waste of a perfectly good drag. You gotta hold the smoke in your mouth for a few seconds then breathe in again and this forces the smoke into the lungs. It might feel a little like breathing underwater but you just gotta push through, yeah? Got it?”

“Got it. Breath in twice, don’t hold the hot end, sounds good,” The other's voice was a little breathless with nerves and Hoseok smiled kindly. 

“Sure you wanna try? I’m only lettin’ you have one puff‘cos once you start on this shit it’s fucking impossible to stop,”

Changkyun gave a resolute nod, shooting him a familiar daring look that reminded Hoseok of the moment just before he’d clambered on to the back of his bike without so much as a second thought. “I’m sure,”

Hoseok leaned back on to the wooden cupboard behind him and watched as the younger boy stared at the stick enclosed in his hand before slowly bringing it up to lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changkyun didn’t know why he wanted to try the cigarette.

It was too late to go back now. The end of the stick was already pressed up against his slightly parted lips and the chemical smell was wafting into his nose from the lit butt. He was holding it how Hoseok had told him to – four fingers, thumb underneath, avoiding an unwanted sprinkle of ash with a slight tilt upwards – and the filter paper felt smooth against his hands. He supposed he had a thing for self-destructive tendencies although he would never admit it to himself. From climbing on the back of Hoseok’s bike that one night over a week ago to drinking vodka straight from the bottle while sat on his dirty kitchen floor, Changkyun was full of stupid ideas with no reasoning whatsoever.

He didn’t even know why he had come here in the first place. It was true what he had said earlier about being at the edge of the bridge again but he was too cowardly to admit that he hadn’t even been able to climb over the railing this time. Instead, he had simply looked out at the city around him, peering down at the black waters below and wondering if hitting the water would hurt as much as not wanting to exist, before turning on his heel and finding his way back to Hoseok’s apartment. The night air had been cool and even now, with his fingers wrapped around a lit cigarette in the relative warmth of the flat, his hands and feet were still stiff with the cold. He didn’t mind.

“You alright there kid? Need a little help?” Hoseok’s voice was tainted with amusement and Changkyun shot him a look of contempt. With his back leant casually against the kitchen cupboard the other boy was the picture of nonchalance, a mess of unkempt bleached hair pushed back from his forehead and dark circles under his eyes. From the looks of it he’d slept in the clothes he currently wore - a wrinkled white t-shirt tucked into black jeans with a belt drawn around the middle. There was a faded stain on his left shoulder and from just under his right sleeve Changkyun could see the scrawling of ink across his bicep although he was too focussed on the smooth feeling of the filter paper against the pads of his fingertips to attempt to figure out what it said.

“No. I can do it,” Once again he felt the need to prove himself to the other boy and so after he had steeled himself one last time he closed his lips over the cigarette and inhaled.

Hoseok had been right, it was like breathing underwater. The air that he dragged in had been pulled through the lit butt of the cigarette and made his mouth feel uncomfortably warm and the smoke tasted like household chemicals. He had an overwhelming urge to cough, his body rejecting the feeling of such foreign air, but he closed his eyes and did exactly what Hoseok had said – sucked his cheeks in and dragged the smoke down his throat and into his lungs, setting his body on fire.

The effects were immediate and he began coughing, holding the cigarette as far away as possible as his body was wracked by its rejection to the unfamiliar feeling. “Holy shit, that burns,” His voice was scratchy and when he spoke little tendrils of smoke were forced out of his mouth.

Hoseok laughed and took back the cigarette, Changkyun offering it to him gratefully, and he took a drag of his own before offering him a grin. “Yeah it does. Feels good though, right?”

“I mean.. I guess?” Changkyun felt his brow knit together as he thought about exactly what he was feeling. At first the sensation had been horribly uncomfortable and it still was to an extent, there was nothing really nice about the chemical taste in his mouth and the dryness of his throat, yet as he grew accustomed to the feeling of heart spreading throughout his chest he felt his muscles begin to relax and lingering headache fade. There was a brief sensation of floating in which lights danced in front his eyes and Changkyun supposed it was comparable to that lightheaded feeling you get after standing up too quickly but this time it wasn’t unpleasant, it made him feel alive. “Yeah, now.. now that you mention it, it actually feels pretty ok,”

“Kid, this shit is more than pretty okay,” Hoseok laughed softly and tapped ash onto the ceramic tiles below before taking a drag himself. He was the epitome of indifference. The entire scenario laid out in front of Changkyun gave the aura of rebellion and he liked the twist in his stomach that told him he probably shouldn’t be sat on some strangers kitchen floor with loose tendrils of smoke still curling from his mouth because it made him feel slightly less like he wanted to die.

“Can I have another bit?” Changkyun asked boldly.

Hoseok laughed and shook his head. “Sorry kid, one puff at a time. Don’t wanna be the bad influence your parents warned you about,”

Changkyun thought that argument was pretty irrelevant considering the fact he was currently drinking from the bottle of vodka he’d bought and willingly offered but he wasn’t going to object. While the high from the cigarette had relaxed his muscles somewhat and left a warmth in his chest the lingering feeling left in his lungs was still unpleasant and so he didn’t mind not being able to repeat the experience.

They sat in silence for a few more minutes, each of them taking small sips from their bottle and staring at the floor in front of them. Sat opposite each other, Changkyun thought if anybody else were to see them they’d turn around and run right out the door yet as the alcohol began clouding his brain and the smell of nicotine wafted through the air he couldn’t find it in himself to care. He was a mess no matter what he did and a few sips of alcohol wouldn’t change that, it was a Sunday night and he had college in the morning but fuck it, if he didn’t want to die a little less then earlier.

He glanced at the other boy, taking in his tough demeanour and veins in his neck, his pointy ears littered with tiny studs of silver and pale skin with dark circles under his eyes. The other boy was pretty and in his tipsy state just that fact was enough to make him giggle softly. The Biker was pretty. Bikers weren’t meant to be pretty. They were meant to yell at people on the street and drive too fast through red lights and pick up random girls on the back of their motorbike outside blaring strip clubs, not sit on the floor of shitty apartment kitchens and look pretty under the white fluorescent lights inlaid in the ceiling above. Apparently Hoseok was also the type of biker to pick up random boys on the edge of bridges and that thought only contributed to Changkyun’s laughter. Did Hoseok know he was pretty? Did he care?

“What is it Kid?” Hoseok’s eyebrows raised slightly and Changkyun watched his mouth pulled into an amused grin upon watching him giggle.

He shrugged and motioned towards the other boy with the bottle still grasped in his hand. “I like your piercings,” He said simply and even Changkyun was taken aback by the boldness of his own speech for it was usually quiet and soft. His voice was deep enough for it to be heard no matter what volume he spoke at and yet he continued to speak in a more callous tone as the alcohol began dripping into his system and lessened his control on how he communicated. He had yet to slur his voice, however, so he concluded that while he was a little tipsy he was very far from drunk.

“I always forget I have so many,” Hoseok laughed softly and ran the hand not holding his cigarette over one of his ears. The piercings snagged on his fingertips and Changkyun grimaced but Hoseok didn’t seem the least bit affected by the slight tug on his ear.

“When did you get them all?” He asked curiously. 

Hoseok frowned. “Um, I think I got my lobes done when I was seventeen and from there I just kept adding more. Some done by me, others by random piercers, this one done by a friend when we were drunk,” Hoseok grinned fondly at the memory as he fumbled with one of the pieces of silver his ear – a small hoop wrapped around his right lobe.

Changkyun coughed as he took another sip of the vodka and looked at Hoseok with wide eyes. “Wait, you did some _yourself?_ ”

“Yeah, hurt like a motherfucking bitch though,” He laughed and Changkyun shook his head in disbelief. How do you even pierce an ear yourself? He was no stranger to pain but something about sticking a needle through his skin until it appeared out the other side made him grimace.

All of a sudden Hoseok froze, one hand on his ear and the other holding his cigarette a short distance from his mouth, and Changkyun watched with a suspicious frown as a grin crept up on his face and his eyes garnered a mischievous glint. Just from the expression on the other boys face he felt his stomach twist in anxiety as he wondered what exactly was running through his mind. The expression he had garnered reminded the younger boy of the look he’d given shortly before he’d revved his motorbike that night on the bridge, reckless and bold and almost slightly insane.

“We should pierce your ear,” He grinned like it was the suggestion of the century.

Changkyun blanked. “What?” He asked incredulously. Pierce his ear? What on earth did the other boy mean? He’d never got a piercing of any type, why would the other boy even suggest it?

However Hoseok looked considerably more excited at the idea and the younger boy was left wondering just how much he’d had to drink before he’d turned up outside his apartment. “I have the needles ‘nd shit, we should do it,”

Changyun opened and closed his mouth in disbelief, unable to form coherent sentences through the cloud of alcohol in his brain as well as the absurd suggestion. “Right.. right now?”

“Yeah, why not? I’m tipsy enough to disregard everything that might go wrong,” Hoseok grinned. “Why, you afraid?”

“Me? Afraid? Fuck no,” Changkyun could definitely feel the alcohol now but he didn’t care. The buzz in his veins made his entire body feel like it was tingling and the kitchen shifted slightly too much every time he moved his eyes. If he was honest with himself piercing his ears sort of sounded like fun. Reckless, sure, stupid, of course, but fun all the same.

Hoseok waved the cigarette in his hand around as he spoke in an exaggerated tone, words somewhat slurred. “It’ll be like.. like a symbol,”

Changkyun scoffed. “A symbol? Of what?” 

The other boy laughed. “I don’t fucking know, not killing yourself for a second time?”

There was a beat before Hoseok’s lips pulled back in a defiant grin.

“I dare you,”

Changkyun froze before dragging his eyes up to meet the other boy's brown ones. They were edging him on and Changkyun could tell that he didn’t think he’d accept. His pride was ruffled at the idea of backing down from such a stupid dare and just looking at the arrogance of the other boy set his jaw in determination.

There was a silence as Changkyun contemplated the idea for one final time. On the one hand, it was a really stupid idea, but on the other hand, all Changkyun ever did was participate in stupid fucking ideas. Maybe it would be fun? He’d never thought about what he’d look like with a piercing but he doubted he could pull it off as well as Hoseok.

There was only one way to find out, right?

He nodded tentatively and took a small breath. “Okay,”

Hoseok’s mouth dropped open, immediately surprised. “You’ll do it?”

“Yeah. Yeah, why not,” He said, this time with more resolve. What was stopping him? It’d be fun.

“Fuck yeah!” Hoseok grinned, hands latching on to the kitchen counter above him and hauling himself into a standing position. All of a sudden the younger felt a strange pressure on his wrist and with a start he realised the other boy had wrapped his fingers around his arm and was dragging him into an upright position. “C’mon!”

“Wait, what- where are we going?” Changkyun felt his stomach twist but whether it was anxiety or anticipation he couldn’t tell. As he was pulled to his feet with one hand he kept the other tightly wrapped around his bottle and when Hoseok let go of his arm and moved to open the freezer he stretched out his legs with a groan. They hurt from being folded up on the tiled floor for so long and he was having a hard time staying upright after drinking so much anyway.

“The bathroom, dumbass. I ain’t getting blood all over my kitchen floor,” Hoseok laughed, rooting around in the freezer before pulling out a single ice cube. 

“Buh-blood?” Changkyun felt his eyes widen as he watched and the other boy chuckled. 

“Shit kid, you think stabbing a needle through your ear is gonna be all rainbows and sparkles? You’re not a fucking piñata,” With a firm hand he felt himself being guided around the breakfast bar, behind where the coach and single lamp were and through a small hallway that only housed two other doors. Hoseok pushed him through the one on his left and they both ended up in a brightly lit bathroom – the fluorescent white light inlaid in the ceiling illuminating a single bathtub and shower head against the back of the small room with the toilet adjacent to the shower curtain and the sink beside it. There was no window and the cramped room really was lacking in size. With a small smile Changkyun realised he could probably stretch out his arms and touch both of the walls at the same time.

“Sit here,” Hoseok ordered and forced the younger boy to lower himself onto the closed toilet seat with a firm push. He complied as best as he could but still shot the other boy a worried look when he swung open the mirror behind the cupboard and began rooting around in the contents of the thin shelves.

“Wait, Hoseok, I don’t know about this -”

“It’ll be fine, here, hold this against your ear,” Changkyun tried to protest but did as he was told, pressing the ice cube to the top of his ear and grimacing at the cold pain that lanced through it.

Hoseok glanced over at him. “Where d’you want it? Up in the cartilage?”

“Uh.. yeah, I guess?” His voice sounded unsure even to his own ears. The older boy looked imposing lit under the single light in the centre of the ceiling, shadows forming in the dips of his biceps from under his white t-shirt and eyelashes dancing on his cheeks. Changkyun was suddenly reminded of the age of the other boy and the wide differences between them yet even as he came to the conclusion that he really shouldn’t be complying with anything he said there was nothing in him that told him to resist.

“This is so fun,” Hoseok grinned.

In his drunken state Changkyun couldn’t even disagree. There was something otherworldly about sitting in the other boy’s bathroom, ice cube numbing his ear and cold water dripping down his neck in the early hours of Monday morning while the rest of the world was sleeping. It was just the two of them in their own little world and Hoseok was about to shove a needle through the younger boy’s ear and even then it was still exciting. The twist of anxiety in Changkyun’s stomach was reminiscent of the feeling he’d experienced right on the edge of the bridge and just before taking his first drag of a cigarette and he was beginning to learn he craved that exact feeling of fear. He relished in it.

It was self-destructive but the control he had over his own self-destruction gave him more power then anything else ever could.

By now Hoseok had pulled out a myriad of different appliances – there was a small packet of needles balanced precariously on the edge of the sink next to a wad of tissues and as Changkyun watched he appeared to squeeze some kind of blue gel onto his hands and rub it in vigorously. It smelt like chemicals.

“You realise-” The older boy hiccupped. “I’m really fucking drunk. I wouldn’t do this if I was sober,”

Changkyun laughed softly. “I wouldn’t agree if I was sober,” He glanced around the bathroom as his throat constricted with nerves. His hand was numb from the ice cube and he watched Hoseok pull out his pink lighter from the front pocket of his black jeans and flick the hook, running the flame over the needle.

“Are you.. is it gonna hurt?” Changkyun asked tentatively.

“Only for a little bit, might be sore in the morning. Let’s pray I don’t miss completely and pierce your head instead,” Hoseok shot him a grin with eyebrows raised.

He felt his face pull into a disgusted expression. “Shut up,”

Once again Hoseok laughed softly and Changkyun watched him move around where he was sat on the toilet lid and perch on the edge of the bathtub. “Who are you to talk to me like that? As you said, we hardly know each other,”

“You’re literally about to force a fucking needle through my ear Hoseok, I can say what I want,” Changkyun frowned but all sense of bravery was lost as the older boy took the ice cube from his numbing hand, threw it into the sink and pulled at the edge of his ear. He was rough and with a grimace Changkyun felt his head tilted to the side by another hand on his cheek. Being so close to the other boy was daunting. He smelt like tobacco and alcohol and oil as well as the remnants of whatever antiseptic he’d rubbed on his hands a few seconds prior.

“You’re reckless kid, I’ll give you that,” Hoseok chuckled softly, lining up the needle with the edge of his ear. “You ready?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” As the very tip of the metal nicked the cold skin there came a small tickle of pain and Changkyun held his breath.

“Sorry kid, this is gonna hurt,” Hoseok laughed softly and Changkyun didn’t even have any time to react before there came a searing pain in his right ear. 

At first it wasn’t that bad for it was just the tip of the metal slicing its way past the first delicate few layers of skin but the moment it began working its way through the cartilage, the older boy wiggling his ear with one hand and the needle with the other, Changkyun couldn’t help the gasp that came from his mouth as his nerves lit up in pain.

“Fuck, holy fuck, Hoseok, that fucking hurts-!” He was cut off by a harsh exhale as there came a loud pop and the entire right side of his head lit up in pain. It was searing and unlike any kind of bruise or scratch he’d suffered before, no, this kind of pain was far more intense. His vision swam and there was the definite feeling of something warm spreading down his neck but he couldn’t move due to the determined grip of the other boy holding his head in place.

“There! It’s through,” Hoseok pulled back his hands and through his blurry vision they looked to be stained in something that definitely wasn’t rainbows and sparkles. “Hold the needle in ‘till I get back, yeah?”

“Wait-” Changkyun began to protest but as the other boy pushed himself up from the bathtub and hurried out the room he had no other choice but to place his shaking fingers on the tender flesh of his ear and grimace as the pain lanced through it. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat with his head tilted awkwardly to the side, trying to ignore the obviously wet substance dripping down his neck and coating the tips of his fingers as they held the needle.

When Hoseok returned Changkyun uttered a sigh of relief but it was short lived as the other boy immediately sat back on the edge of the bathtub and held up a small silver rod between his index finger and thumb. Shit, he’d forgotten they actually had to put the earring through the hole made by the needle.

“This is the worst part kid, okay?” Hoseok tilted his head at the correct angle and steadied his hands against the metal once Changkyun had removed his own. “It’s going to hurt like a motherfucking bitch, but in a few seconds it’ll be over and you’ll look a hundred times more badass,”

“Just do it, shit, it fucking hurts already,” Changkyun muttered and Hoseok let out a soft laugh before lining up the end of the earring with the edge of the needle. He bit his lip in concentration, eyes narrowing as he scanned what was in front of him, before yanking on the metal in his ear.

If Changkyun had thought the first step had hurt then he hadn’t been prepared for the next part. 

Hoseok had to pull the needle out from where it had been resting in his ear, dragging on the insides of the cartilage as well as the skin on the other side, and the grating effect of the metal against the inside of his ear caused it to burn from the friction. It came free with a loud pop and Changkyun sucked in a breath at the searing hot pain. He didn’t have any time to process the next action however for it was no time at all until Hoseok was forcing the silver earring into the hole left by the needle and Changkyun actually let out a small exclamation of pain at the feeling. After the older boy had removed the metal the hole had knitted together almost immediately in an attempt to stop the blood flow and now forcing a slightly larger object through it made him squeeze his eyes shut in an attempt to block out the searing pain.

And then, all of a sudden, the pressure disappeared.

“All done,” He opened his eyes to see Hoseok looking at him with a proud grin. His ear was throbbing and it stung when he poked it with one of his hands but it was considerably less painful then it had been a few seconds ago.

“It’s.. it’s done?” Changkyun looked up at him in surprise as the older boy gently wiped the area with his wad of tissues. Had they really just pierced his ear?

“Yeah! Come take a look,” Hoseok pulled him up from where he was sat on the toilet seat with his hand still lightly prodding his ear.

The older boy guided him until he was stood directly in front of the mirror above the sink and placed his hands either side of the youngers head, gently moving him to the side and showing off his work. Even though he could have moved his head himself, somehow the older boy didn’t want to take his hands away, and so Changkyun simply took a deep breath before looking at his reflection in the mirror.

There, in Changkyun’s right ear, was a silver stud forced through the upper cartilage. It stuck out against the dramatic red of the flesh and tacky blood, the small metal rod with a rounded polished end glinting in the artificial bathroom light pierced straight through his flesh. With a grimace Changkyun prodded the tender skin and felt a flash of pain course through the ear but the discomfort was nowhere near as prominent as it had been during the entire ordeal.

He had to admit, he did look a little more badass.

All of a sudden Hoseok let out an apologetic sigh. “Shit, sorry kid, I forgot about your jumper,"

Changkyun shrugged, glancing down at the blood decorating the soft fabric before redirecting his attention back to staring at the reflection of his piercing. “It’s cool, I’ll by a new one. My ear fucking hurts though,”

Hoseok laughed softly, looking into his eyes through the reflective surface of the mirror. “Do you like it?”

Changkyun grinned. The anxious feeling in his stomach had morphed to adrenaline and so, despite the throbbing pain and ruined clothing, he gave a small nod in return.

“Yeah. Yeah Hoseok, I love it,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changkyun was jerked awake by an obnoxiously loud jingle right next to his ear. 

It took him a few seconds to figure out that he wasn’t in his bed at home, rather he had somehow managed to fall asleep on somebody’s bathroom floor, curled up just under the sink with the bathtub beside him and a bottle just by his arm. With a groan he pulled himself up into a sitting position and leant back against the bathtub.

“Shit,” He rubbed his head and squeezed his eyes shut as a throbbing pain lanced across his temples. Is this what being hungover felt like? If so, he never wanted to drink alcohol again. Not only did his head pound as he tried to find the source of the music but his right ear was aching and his feet were tingling with the remnants of pins and needles. In his barely conscious daze he began patting the hard floor around his body until his hands closed around the buzzing object. 

“What the fuck is that?” There came an irritated voice from somewhere behind him.

“Uh, it’s my school alarm, sorry, I-” Changkyun mumbled and there came an immediate muffled groan from the other boy. He began fiddling with the buttons on his phone in his hurry until the screen lit up and he could swipe to stop the alarm at which point silence descended over the tiled room.

There came the sound of a yawn and Changkyun glanced behind him to see Hoseok pulling himself upright from where he had been lying in the bathtub. Had he fallen asleep in there? “Fuck, kid. If that happens one more time I’m never letting you back in my apartment, suicidal or not,” He grumbled and the younger watched as he clambered out of the bathtub and scratched his head with his face puffy and screwed up. He stretched, letting out a deep groan as he did so, and then proceeded to stumble out of the room, leaving Changkyun alone on the floor behind him.

Changkyun muttered a tired apology despite him already having disappeared around the door frame before emitting a sigh and placing his head in his hands. There was the unmistakable feeling of nausea haunting his stomach and his throat felt dry and scratchy, not to mention the sting of his ear and throbbing of his head were making it hard to focus on anything other than the pain.

He could only just remember what had happened after turning up at Hoseok’s in the early hours of the morning. The two had spent a while talking about nothing in particular as they sat on the kitchen floor and downed the drinks the older boy had provided. Changkyun had stupidly taken a drag from his cigarette and he supposed that was why his mouth tasted strangely like household chemicals. His headache was probably a product of the liquor he’d consumed, and his ear? Holy shit, his ear. His hand flew up to run his fingers over the tender flesh and he flinched when they came in contact with the little metal stud because, fuck, he’d let the older boy stick a needle through his fucking ear when he’d been too drunk to say no. 

At the thought of the other boy Changkyun let out a long sigh. How had he got to this point? He knew what he felt was dangerous, he knew that his self-destructive habits pushed him to the limit more frequently then he’d want to admit, but falling asleep in some older man's bathroom after drinking his vodka and smoking his cigarette? Even that seemed too stupid for Changkyun to justify, and yet, if he was honest with himself, the whole reckless idea gave him a rush. He liked being careless, he liked doing stupid shit without thinking twice. It made him feel alive.

Just as his eyes had adjusted to the bright light of the bathroom glaring down at him from above and he’d rubbed his face a total of five times in an attempt to wake himself up there came the sound of footsteps padding towards the bathroom. He glanced up in time for something to be thrown in his face, landing on his lap with a light thud and causing him to exhale in surprise.

“What’s this?” He asked, narrowing his eyes at the grey fabric as he poked at it with one hand.

“A hoodie. Put it on,” The other boy answered bluntly.

Changkyun looked up at him from his position on the floor and yawned before raising his eyebrows in a questioning manner. “Why?”

The older boy laughed softly and shook his head. “’Cos yours has blood on it dumbass. You can’t go to school with blood all over your fucking jumper,”

“School?” Changkyun whined. He felt his face screw up in indignation as he remembered that it was indeed Monday morning and he had his first class at approximately nine, give or take however many minutes it took for the professor to arrive.

“Yes, school. I’m taking you to school, got a problem with that kid?” Changkyun shook his head hurriedly, ignoring the throbbing pain that lanced through his temples at the movement. He really didn’t feel like going to school with his pounding headache and nauseous stomach but the other boy was so determined he didn’t feel as if there was any point in rejecting his demands. “Good. Put this on and come meet me in the kitchen after,”

With a sigh Changkyun hauled himself up from the bathroom floor, having to hold on to the edge of the bathtub until the dancing lights in front of his eyes disappeared, before glancing into the mirror held above the sink. Under the fluorescent white lighting of the bathroom that had supposedly been on all night he couldn’t deny that he looked a mess. Unkept hair pushed back from his face in an unflattering middle part, dark circles under his puffy eyes and lips slightly chapped, one half of his face red and inlaid with small dents from resting his head on the ceramic bathroom tiles. He ran his tongue over his dry lips and heaved a sigh – he looked like shit and not the good kind of purposely unkept but still attractive shit, no, like the two hours of alcohol induced sleep on a bathroom floor kind of shit.

In an attempt to make himself look somewhat presentable he ran his fingers through his hair a couple times until it fell slightly less limp than before and splashed cold water on his face from the sink. Hoseok only had one toothbrush so Changkyun settled for squeezing a drop of toothpaste onto the tip of his index finger and rubbing it around his mouth before spitting it into the sink. After a closer inspection of the bottles in the cupboard behind the mirror he found a few packets of paracetamol lying next to a shaver and so he popped two of them out of the metallic packet and downed them with another swig of tap water. He hoped it would be enough to at least ease the edge of the headache pounding at his brain. 

His ear was definitely the worst part of his reflection. His under-eye bags could be excused by lack of sleep, his chapped lips by the cold November air, but he doubted he could explain away the angry red of his ear and glinting metal inlaid in the cartilage. With a sigh he tried scrubbing the worst of the blood from the small folds in his ear, gritting his teeth as his fingers snagged on his tender flesh, before shifting his hair around with his hand until it awkwardly covered up the worst of the piercing. That would have to do.

A tired groan escaped his mouth as he stretched out his neck and arms before he began eyeing the hoody he’d thrown to the side after Hoseok had pelted it at him. He screwed up his face when he looked down and saw his own dried blood stuck to the fibres of his woollen jumper, little droplets decorating his shoulder and chest directly below his right ear. After a few moments of attempting to scratch the blood off with his nail and only succeeding in dropping little flakes of the substance all over the tiled floor he gave up trying to remedy his own clothing and instead turned to pulling the jumper over his head and picking up the other boy’s hoody. Considering the size of Hoseok’s muscles he wasn’t surprised when the clothing swamped his small frame. The thick fabric hung over the tops of his thighs and his hands were barely visible under the long grey sleeves. In any other situation he would have laughed at the idea of wearing such a big hoody to a public place like college, he looked like a mess and not in a good way, but there wasn’t an alternative available and he was just happy the other boy had been kind enough to offer him his clothes.

He took a few more seconds to brush down his jeans and stare at himself in the mirror. If he looked hard enough he knew what would happen and yet he couldn’t bring himself to pull his eyes away from his reflection. Just at the sight of himself in the mirror the hatred began to twist in his stomach just below his ribs, a feeling similar to anxiety but much more violent, and he hated the feeling even more then he hated himself despite that being the cause of the problem.

He let out a small and tired sigh at the thought. The night before had made him feel more alive then he’d ever felt but now he was back to wanting to die.

All of a sudden he became aware of another person in the room besides from himself and he jumped in surprise, placing his hand over his heart as it began beating faster than usual. “Holy shit Hoseok, you scared the life out of me,”

“Sorry kid,” He offered a mischievous grin that didn’t hint at any kind of sympathy, seemingly amused by his surprise as he leant against the bathroom door frame. “You comin’? I ain’t waiting round much longer,”

“Yeah, sure.. just give me a second,” Changkyun inhaled and forced a smile on to his face. The other boy snorted and left him alone and he took a few seconds to compose himself, ignoring the mirror and instead folding the jumper he’d removed around his left arm before exiting the bathroom and turning the light off as he went. The layout of the apartment meant it only took a few steps to reach the kitchen and living room area and he didn’t even bother looking at the other boy when he got there, instead choosing to collapse on the sofa in a tired heap of teenage angst.

Because it was November the sun still hadn't risen despite his alarm being set for half six and so the flat was lit only by the fluorescent lights in the kitchen where Hoseok seemed to be busy. Changkyun peered over the top of the couch and was met with a bowl being unceremoniously shoved in his face. He opened his mouth to ask what it was but was cut off by the firm voice of the other boy.

“Eat it,” He forced the bowl closer towards his face and Changkyun grimaced. He’d never been a morning person and his pounding headache merely emphasised his grumpiness as the older boy spoke too brusquely for comfort.

“What are you, some kind of husband?” He grumbled but took the bowl in both of his sleeve-hidden hands. There was a small portion of Frosties with a meagre splash of milk thrown over the cereal and Changkyun wrinkled his nose at the sight of it.

“Shut the fuck up, friends help friends through hangovers you little shit,”

“We’re friends?” Changkyun muttered bitterly but did as the other boy told, spooning some of the cereal into his mouth and grimacing at the slightly stale texture. At least it was better than the lingering chemical taste left on his tongue after what he’d done the night before.

There were a few seconds of silence in which the sound of the morning commuters could be heard drifting through the apartments only window. Did they know he’d just slept in the same boy's apartment as last time? Did they care? After a couple of minutes had passed and he’d forced down what little cereal he could with his nauseous stomach Changkyun looked up at the other boy. He was still wearing the same clothes as the night before, a slightly more wrinkled white t-shirt and black jeans, except now there was a small droplet of blood just at his neckline and his hair fell over his eyes in a fluffy mess instead of being pushed up from his forehead like usual. He looked almost normal if Changkyun discounted the piercings and tattoos as well as the fact that he was currently lighting his first cigarette of the day at half six in the morning.

He gestured at the bowl in his lap. “Thanks, for this and the clothes,” He said reluctantly as he poked at the remaining soggy cereal with his spoon.

Hoseok smiled somewhat fondly as he looked over at the younger boy. He was leaning on the windowsill, one leg planted on the ledge and the other on the floor with his cigarette in one hand and the other folded nonchalantly over his lap. “That’s my old college hoody,” He nodded at the clothes Changkyun was wearing and the younger frowned.

“Wait, really?” His voice sounded surprised even to his own ear. “Holy shit, you went to Hongsik too?”

Hoseok tapped the cigarette and watched as the ash sprinkled on to the floor. “Yeah, for almost a whole year,”

“Why only a year?” The younger arched his eyebrows as he placed the now empty bowl on the coffee table beside him.

“Funny story that,” The older boy laughed softly and pushed himself away from the windowsill before making his way over to the couch. “Got kicked out for some stupid shit I did, you can probably imagine I wasn’t the most studious of kids,”

Changkyun watched the other boy move with a frown. “Do.. do I wanna know what you did?”

“Nah Kid,” Hoseok ruffled his hair with a grin. “That’s a story for another time. You ready to go yet?”

“Uh.. I guess?” Changkyun looked around with his brow still knitted together. He was slightly taken aback at the touch of the other boy and so it took him a moment to sort his thoughts out. Was he ready to go? Did he have everything? All of his books were safely stored away at college and his professors never expected him to remember his backpack simply because he was so forgetful. After a few seconds of looking himself up and down he groaned. “Shit, I forgot I don’t have shoes,”

His bare feet were dirty and somewhat bruised and while in his late night state shoes seemed like the last thing he had to worry about his classes would probably push him out of the door the minute he turned up barefoot and hungover.

Hoseok laughed and shook his head. “Fucking unbelievable,” He muttered as he made his way over to the door – stepping over the bottles strewn around the room – before picking up a pair of boots and throwing them his way. Changkyun felt his eyes widen in surprise and he threw his hands up to protect himself, shooting Hoseok a look when he laughed as they landed on the cushions next to him.

“You’re out to kill me Hoseok,” He mumbled, grabbing the shoes and struggling to pull them on to his own feet without undoing the laces. They were slightly too big for when the younger boy stood up he could feel his feet sliding around the bottom of the boot.

“Do these have insoles in?” Changkyun asked with a frown, slightly unsteady in his gait as he felt his ankles set higher than usual.

“A magician never tells his secrets,” Hoseok shot him a grin and Changkyun let out an exasperated sigh. He watched the other boy take his jacket down from the single hook by the door and throw it over his shoulder before picking up his keys from the counter. They jangled like a metallic wind chime as he waved them just by his head, a mischievous glint in his eye and a smirk on his face.

“Ready to ride Kid?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Being on the motorbike was like being on a roller-coaster, albeit a more dangerous one then Changkyun had ever ridden before.

His hands were tightly wrapped around Hoseok’s waist with his head buried in his shoulder because, despite the older boy insisting that the fresh air and fast speeds would help ease his hangover headache, just watching the world fly past in such a multitude of early morning colours was enough to make him nauseous for the rest of his lifetime.

It had only just passed eight in the morning but the city of Seoul was awake and buzzing. The dewy sunlight weaved through the skyscrapers like the two boys weaved their way through the traffic, Hoseok seemingly at ease with the motion despite the alcohol he’d consumed the night before and yet Changkyun was struggling to hold on to his breakfast. This motorbike ride was different from the one he’d taken that night after the bridge because, for one, this ride was in broad daylight and he couldn’t help but feel judged by the pedestrians as he held tighter on to Hoseok’s torso with his face buried in his shoulder, and two, as the wind whipped through their hair and over their faces he felt the icy November air tug at the throbbing of his ear and remind him of the stupid thing he’d agreed to the night before.

Luckily for him the motorbike ride didn’t last longer than a few minutes, partially due to Hoseok’s dangerous way of driving and partially because of the close proximity of the Mapo-Gu district where the Hongsik college campus was located. Out of all the things that Changkyun was nervous about that morning, whether it was the fact he was wearing another person's clothes to college or his ear had garnered a piercing overnight, he never thought that turning up to his school riding on the back of a black motorcycle adorned with baby pink wheels would be that much of a problem. Apparently he had been wrong, for the moment the students took notice of the loud engine swerving onto the entrance road and pulling up against the pavement they began to stare, and what probably didn’t help was the look of the person who’d been driving the motorbike himself. Donned in his leather jacket, biker boots and piercings on full show, Changkyun supposed the other students found Hoseok somewhat intimidating and he didn’t blame them. The minute the bike coasted to a stop against the edge of the pavement and the older boy had pushed out the kickstand he let out a sigh of relief and retracted his hands from around his torso, stretching his arms above his head before hooking his leg back over the leather seat and sliding off the bike altogether.

He glanced across the road to look at the entrance to his campus, taking in the familiar sight of the Hongsik emblem stood proud above the open gate and the students milling around outside the school buildings. It wasn’t hidden from the rest of Seoul, rather, the entire college was surrounded by skyscrapers and wandering concrete paths which made it easy for the attendees to slip out during their free time and grab a greasy burger from the nearest fast food restaurant. Just as Changkyun began to brush down his trousers he noticed a group of boys, second year from the looks of their arrogant expressions, slip into a breakfast bar with the intent of ordering whatever they could before the first class at nine. With a quick glance at the students hurrying to make their way up the winding gravel path to the classrooms he assumed that it was edging close to the beginning of the school day and with a sigh Changkyun turned to face Hoseok.

“I gotta go, thanks for the ride,” He mumbled. He did not want to go to school. His head was still pounding and his ear stung but he figured there was no other choice now they had arrived.

“No problem kid, stay safe yeah?” Hoseok gave him a genuine smile, still sat atop his humming motorbike.

“Will do,” Changkyun picked at his sleeves. “Thanks for the clothes as well, and the food,”

The other boy nodded in acknowledgement. “Promise me you’ll be okay?”

He dragged his eyes up to look at him only to be met with a pair staring directly at him with something close to concern. “Yeah Hoseok, I promise-”

“Changkyun!” There came a shout from behind them and Changkyun cringed at the sound of the loud voice. He could tell who it was even before turning around so when he did decide to glance over his shoulder he wasn’t surprised by who he saw stood across the road. It was Hyungwon, his only real friend, and by the looks of it he had turned up to school just like any other day, dressed in a thick black coat that fell to his knees draped over a similarly dark turtleneck and paired with more black in the form of denim jeans coupled with elegantly pointed boots. He was the true definition of the adult that never quite grew out of his emo phase although his pretty face and carefully styled hair meant that even though he looked like a walking shadow people didn’t tend to mind. He could pull off any clothing just because he’d been born with a handsome face and slim build. 

“Who’s that?” Hoseok asked with a frown, eyes scanning his friend up and down from across the road.

“Ah, that’s Hyungwon,” Changkyun sighed, giving a small wave to his friend who looked to be staring at them both with an expression of mingled doubt and confusion.

“Hyungwon? Does he give you trouble? Want me to fuck him up?”

“What?” Changkyun whipped around to look at the older boy in disbelief. He took into account his determined stare and tensing of his knuckles around the handlebars of his bike and shook his head in mild panic. “No, he’s my friend, please don’t fuck him up,”

There came another shout from behind him and Changkyun cringed inwardly. His friend had never been one for patience or being late for class and just thinking about how he was going to react after watching his best friend turn up to college on a Monday morning wearing clothes that weren’t his riding on a motorcycle with a man he’d never seen before made him sigh wearily. It also made him feel a little guilty for not telling his best friend about any of this before it had happened, it seemed like a shitty thing to do even by his own standards.

“Oh,” Hoseok frowned and there was a beat of silence as his face softened into a neutral expression. “You know where to find me if it gets bad again, yeah kid?”

“Yeah, I do,” Changkyun nodded, and he gave Hoseok a tentative smile despite the twist of guilt in his stomach at the thought of asking even more of the other boy. There were definitely people beginning to stare now and the multiple pairs of eyes looking at them both made him incredibly uncomfortable.

“Don’t forget-” Hoseok began but Changkyun had already given him a small wave and begun backing away from the bike at the edge of the pavement.

“Thanks for everything!” He threw the words back over his shoulder as he turned away from the other boy, jogging lightly across the road and leaving Hoseok on the bike behind him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You look like shit,” Hyungwon deadpanned the second Changkyun reached where he was stood just outside the school gate.

“Thanks brother, good morning to you too,” Changkyun rolled his eyes, running his hand through his hair while he panted lightly.

Hyungwon’s nose wrinkled as he looked Changkyun up and down. The younger boy knew what he saw when he scrutinised his outlook – a dishevelled, tired boy wearing clothing that weren’t his own after a night supposedly spent around some stranger's house. “And you smell like Vodka. What the fuck Kyunie?”

“I.. shit, I’ll explain it later,” Changkyun waved his hand dismissively, ignoring the bitter expression on his friend's face and instead turning to watch Hoseok as he pulled something small out of his pocket while still sat on his bike across the road.

“Who the fuck is that?” Hyungwon said indignantly as he too turned to stare at the older boy. 

Changkyun snorted. Despite the amount of time he’d know his best friend it always seemed to surprise him when the other boy was so blunt with his words. He was most often eloquent, being a Literature student and all, so hearing him swear so much in just a few seconds of them being together meant he had either been up late the previous night finishing some kind of essay or something had happened to really piss him off. In this instant, Changkyun assumed it was both. “Oh, Hoseok? Some guy I know, I spent the night at his,”

“You did what?” Hyungwon looked at him in horrified surprise. “Did you.. do anything?”

“Hmm?” Changkyun took a minute to process what his friend had meant and when he realised exactly what he was implying he pulled a disgusted face. “No, fuck Hyungwon, god no, we didn’t _do_ anything,”

“I’m just asking ‘cos he looks about thirty and- wait, is that an ear piercing?” 

“Yeah- hold on,” This just kept getting worse and worse. He was in no mood for Hyungwon to go prodding into the events of last night so he turned his body away from his friend, who was staring down at him with an incredibly surprised expression on his face, and began to wave at Hoseok as he revved the engine of his bike.

“You got your ear pierced?” His friend said loudly in an attempt to speak over the loud engine and Changkyun cringed when he realised other people were beginning to stare at him again.

“Yeah, well actually he kind of did it, but don’t freak out, it was safe-” He tried to reason with his friend but to no avail, for despite him attempting to explain the situation he was quickly interrupted by the other boy speaking over him.

“You let some old guy pierce your ear?” Hyungwon hissed, staring at Hoseok as he pulled away from the pavement. 

Changkyun sighed. “I’ll explain in class, okay? Give me a few minutes of peace before you start battering me for my bad life decisions,” He mumbled quietly, not taking his eyes off the older boy as he shot down the road, past where the two boys were standing outside their college campus, and swerved into the street that would take him back the way they came. Back to the apartment where he had already spent two nights of his life.

Changkyun could have sworn that as he sped round the corner the older boy looked back over his shoulder for a fleeting second and they locked eyes across the road.

There were a few seconds of silence in which he simply stared at the corner Hoseok had disappeared around, and the moment was somewhat blissful until it was rudely interrupted by an indignant voice from somewhere to his left.

“You at least used antiseptic, right?”

Changkyun sighed and turned to face his friend, who was now looking at him in disbelief instead of outrage.

“C'mon, class starts in a few and Sir will fuck me three times over if I’m late one more time. I’ll explain what happened on the way,” 

Hyungwon at least agreed with that statement and so they both began to make their way up the winding gravel path, Changkyun recounting the events of the previous night and Hyungwon looking more and more horrified at every word he said. 

Changkyun left out the part about how he’d only turned up at Hoseok’s because he was scared he’d kill himself without the company.

Hyungwon didn’t need to know.


	3. bad influence

“I swear to fucking god Changkyun, if I have to learn another set of characters by tomorrow morning I’m going to jump off the nearest bridge and I’m bringing you with me,”

“It’s not my fault you took Chinese as a side subject,” Changkyun replied wearily, not looking up from his own papers laid out on the table they were both sat on. He knew what he would see if he did; Hyungwon, hands on his head and expression rightfully outraged, pen strewn across the notes he’d been scribbling moments before right next to a stack of books higher than his self-esteem, glaring at him like the entire situation was his fault. The other boy continued talking despite his lack of interest, tone coloured with irritation.

“This isn’t even my major! Yet here I am, slaving over subject descriptors and possessive pronouns at five o’clock on a Tuesday evening like it’s the only thing I signed up for. I thought by taking it as a side I’d learn half the syllabus in double the time. No! I’ve got to learn all the syllabus in half the time,”

Changkyun couldn’t tell if he was actually mad or just venting because of stress but whatever the case was he understood exactly how he was feeling. Both of the boys had been sat in the library for a total of three hours now, having dumped their workload on one of the many tables laid out between the shelves during their lunch hour when everybody else was heading home for the day or grabbing a bite to eat. Hyungwon had convinced Changkyun to accompany him to his study session, boldly declaring that he’d get no work done if his best friend and true soulmate wasn’t there to encourage his every move, and while the younger had agreed to tag along with the intent of writing some notes up himself he was starting to regret his choice quite immensely. This was the fourth time Hyungwon had begun complaining loud enough for the staff behind her desk to pull down her horn-rimmed glasses and give him a stare and even Changkyun didn’t know how much more of the noise he could take.

He loved his best friend, he really did, but lately he just hadn’t been able to engage with his overtly passionate nature.

He sighed a little as the other boy kept talking, words drowning out any kind of productive thought process Changkyun might have been able to muster. “Not to mention my entire first term literature essay is due next week and I haven’t even started finding sources, let alone actually writing the piece. I’m a dead man already Changkyun, speed up the process and take my life would you? Just do it, right now, I’m ready,”

Hyungwon held his arms out either side of him and closed his eyes as if he were about to accept a bullet straight to the chest and this elicited a small laugh from Changkyun when he dragged his eyes away from the page he was studying to look at him.

“Right now? In the library? I reckon if I just started strangling you people might look at us a bit weird,” He raised his eyebrows, a small smile pulling at his mouth.

“They look at us weird anyway, Kyunie,” Hyungwon shot him a grin. “Doesn’t help that now literally everybody knows you as the first year who’s dating some hot older biker,”

Changkyun groaned. “I’m not dating him. I turn up to school on a motorbike one time-”

“His motorbike! And you were wearing his hoodie and his boots. What are people meant to think?” Hyungwon exclaimed and the youngest wanted to smack him upside the head for being so loud in a quiet library. The lady at the desk was eyeing them like she was about to ask them to leave and while he would gladly take any opportunity to not be doing his work getting kicked out of a public library by some old woman was not how he wanted to go. He much preferred leaving places on his own terms and not being evicted just because his friend wouldn't shut his big mouth.

“They're meant to mind their own fucking business, that’s what,” He muttered, scribbling something down on his page to make it look like he was doing something productive.

“I’m just saying-”

“Well stop saying,” Changkyun glared at him. “Shut up and learn your stupid possessive pronouns,”

Hyungwon sighed dramatically. “You just don’t understand, Kyunie. You’re literally majoring in one subject, and its Film Studies. Who even does that?”

“I do that,”

“Well then you’re fucking stupid,” He rolled his eyes but the youngest wasn’t perturbed by his bluntness as his friend soon got bored of attacking him and instead picked up his own pen to continue his arduous note taking.

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Changkyun mumbled. He looked at the words he had strewn over his paper. They were mostly composed of commentaries on the shots in some cheap horror movie scene and indentations on how to create suspense in character centric shots. It was all total bullshit, no matter how many times Changkyun wrote about using off-kilter camera angles or subtle expression changes to create longstanding tension he never actually learnt anything useful.

Hyungwon shot him a playful grin. “Me on the other hand? Resident genius and soon to be model, taking not one, not two, but three entire subjects all while balancing a job at a local restaurant and paying for my rent all by myself. I’ve practically got my retirement plan sorted, now all I need is the motivation to learn the difference between he and she in Chinese and I’m all set for the rest of my miserable life-”

Hyungwon kept talking but Changkyun wasn’t listening. His words grew quiet, muffled by his own thoughts, and as he stared at the messy notes in front of him with unseeing eyes he felt his stomach twist with anxiety. It took him a second to realise what had happened but when he did he exhaled in something close to defeat. 

He'd been fighting his dangerous thoughts all week but for some reason they’d picked now to rear their ugly head.

He didn’t know why, he never really understood the reason for their appearance. There wasn’t ever a specific trigger and nobody had said or done anything to make his mindset change so drastically yet it always seemed to happen at the worst moments possible, like when he was just about to fall asleep or engaging in some kind of discussion with his friend. In his nineteen years of life Changkyun had walked a fine line between wanting to die and needing to and when the switch flipped in his brain he was catapulted headfirst into his dangerous thoughts without regard for the people around him. He always tried desperately to stay in the present whenever the change occurred but it was always so hard and even as he tried to hang on to the words Hyungwon was saying it became increasingly more difficult to focus on living when all he wanted to do was die.

The horrible thing was he knew that people noticed. When he went quiet or shaky or scared they always seemed to know so it was no wonder it took until nightfall for Changkyun to consider doing anything that might harm himself for fear of hurting those around him so directly. 

Like jumping off of a bridge or letting strangers pierce his ear.

“Changkyun-ah,”

He jumped as somebody spoke his name, blinking rapidly as he was pulled out of his thoughts and reminding him he was sat in a public library and not at home in his bed where he could think dangerous things all he wanted. His friend was looking at him with concern written all over his handsome features, notes with scribbled translations disregarded in order to give him his full attention.

“Yeah?” He said in a feeble attempt at normalcy. It didn’t seem to work. Even to his own ears his voice sounded breathless but he couldn’t tell if it was fear or excitement. Was he scared he’d kill himself or scared he wouldn’t?

“You weren’t listening to me, were you?” Hyungwon narrowed his eyes from across the table as he pointed an accusatory finger.

Changkyun inhaled and tried to force a nonchalant smile on to his face. “I totally was Wonnie, don’t worry, you were saying, um, something about Chinese?“

His friend scoffed. “Don’t lie to me brother, you’d totally zoned out. Were you having bad thoughts again?” There were a few seconds where Changkyun opened and closed his mouth slowly, not knowing what to say. He eventually settled for just simply sitting there and staring at the grain of the table instead of meeting the other boy's eyes. “I know you. You’re fiddling with your sleeves too, you do that whenever your brain gets dangerous,”

Changkyun looked down and felt a blush of shame creep up his neck and spread across his cheeks. He had indeed been picking at his sleeves, stray threads stuck to his palms as the hems came loose under his fingertips.

“Is everything okay? Do we need to talk about it?” His best friend spoke again but this time his words were softer and more concerned instead of accusatory.

“What? No Wonnie, everything’s fine. I’m just a little stressed over coursework,” Changkyun attempted to give his friend a convincing smile. The other boy frowned as he took in his demeanour, probably trying to ascertain whether he was genuinely fine or just pretending to be.

If he was honest with himself even Changkyun didn’t know the answer.

“Are you sure? Because the therapist said-”

“I know what she said. I’m fine, really, don’t worry about me, it's about time I should be going anyway. It’s getting late,” He offered his friend a half-hearted smile, pushing back from chair and wincing as it scraped along the wooden floor. With one hand he unhooked the backpack slung across the edge of his chair and unzipped it with the other, proceeding to gather his scattered notes into a haphazard file and stuff them into the bag.

His friend opened and closed his mouth for a few seconds before finally deciding to speak. His words were quiet and laced with caution, an unusual occurrence for his normally passionate friend. “Are you.. are you going to see Hoseok?”

“Hmm?” Changkyun looked up at him in surprise, halfway through attempting to shove his entire course guide into the narrow slot of his backpack.

Hyungwon shrugged and dropped his eyes down to look at his hands instead of at the younger boy. “I was just wondering. You’re wearing his jumper and I didn’t know if..”

Changkyun looked at his clothing in surprise and frowned when he realised he was indeed wearing the older boys jumper. He hadn’t even noticed. “Maybe. I don’t know, I think I’m just going to go home and take a nap, I’m not getting anything done here,”

There was a pause. Hyungwon seemed to be on the edge of saying something else and as Changkyun zipped up his backpack he stared at his friend, anticipating whatever it was that was about to come out his mouth, however the other boy seemed to let out a small sigh before choosing to speak different words instead. 

“Okay Kyunie, I’m always here for you, yeah?”

Changkyun smiled at his friend and was relieved when he smiled back. It was a genuine smile, one of brotherly love, and so the youngest nodded his head in response. “Yeah, I know brother. Thank you, and good luck with all your shitty possessive pronouns,”

Hyungwon laughed softly and shook his head in doubt. “Thanks to you too, I’m going to need it. Does tāde mean his or hers? Find out next time on this lanky literature students tries to learn Chinese,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changkyun hadn’t seen Hoseok in over a week.

He’d went about his life mostly as usual, attending college almost every day and for the most part not finding himself in any trouble. The day he’d turned up to school hungover, smelling like tobacco and wearing clothes that weren’t his people had definitely given him weird looks during classes and he’d had a hard time ignoring the whispers but they’d mostly faded into irrelevant background noise by the next day. His mum hadn’t been happy when he’d come home that evening with a polished bit of metal pierced through his right ear but with a smile etched on his face he’d simply told her that him and Hyungwon had gone and got matching piercings the night previously while he’d been staying over at his. It was okay, he’d said with a grin, all the boys were doing it.

Now, however, as he trudged out the campus gates with his backpack slung over one shoulder and hood pulled tight around his neck, he wondered just how normal the week had been. He’d been stuck in some sort of indefinite haze and while his therapist had told him that his detachment from reality was completely normal and with a little coaching he could learn to stay present all the time that hadn’t stopped Changkyun from feeling like he didn’t really exist. His body felt empty, his mind numb, and no matter how many times he’d forced himself out of bed and across the capital to his college campus he hadn’t been able to feel alive.

He needed to do something reckless again. Just like standing at the edge of the bridge, just like getting drunk on some stranger’s floor and letting him pierce his ear, just like turning up at his apartment and smoking a puff of his cigarette.

Changkyun needed to do something ever so slightly self-destructive just so he could feel alive.

The shops he passed by had display windows inlaid in their structure, big sheets of glass that showed off whatever commodity the business was attempting to shove down the buyers’ throats. Every time he walked in front of the glass his reflection followed him, and each time he caught sight of himself in the mirror-like surface he wanted to cry and scream and punch himself till he shattered into a million pieces on the concrete floor below.

Instead he pulled his hood up further over his head and hunkered down, ignoring the passing stares from pedestrians who probably thought he was up to no good, not really knowing where he was going and not caring either way. He hated the way he looked, he hated the glass because it reminded him that he was existing and he didn’t like it. In the cold November air he was reminded of exactly why he didn’t want to live anymore and he gave a self-pitying sigh, watching the tendrils of cold water vapour float away like a little cloud of breath. Oh, how he wished it was the smoke from a cigarette instead.

Changkyun scrunched up his face and shook his head. He shouldn’t think like that, shouldn’t crave such soul destroying things, but even as he wandered past sweet shops smelling like bubblegum or soap shops smelling like vanilla he couldn’t help but imagine what the chemicals would taste like on his tongue for a second time, couldn’t help but wonder if he’d feel just as lightheaded if he took another drag after the first.

He needed to change.

Something about him, at least. He was going crazy just going about his normal routine. His skin was itching just at the thought of what he looked like, how he felt, the space he took up. For a few days after Hoseok had forced a needle through his ear he’d look at the little ball of metal in the mirror instead of his face, the small earring serving as a reminder that he was very much there, alive, and he hadn’t killed himself for a second time.

With a small sigh he lifted his head up to observe his surroundings, having been walking rather aimlessly for as long as his thoughts had been running around in his head, and he frowned when he realised he’d somehow ended up right at the edge of the marketplace. There were closed stalls lining the narrow Seoul pathways and the buildings to either side of him were the likes of condensed supermarkets and pharmaceutical drugstores.

And then, all of a sudden, his tired eyes caught sight of something in one of the shop windows across the road and he felt a smile pull at the edges of his face just at the thought. There were shelves upon shelves of the same box, a rainbow of different options laid out just for him.

If he wanted change, he had just found the perfect thing.

Was it stupid? Of course it was. Nobody did what he was about to do on a whim. But that didn’t stop the anxiety twisting in his stomach to form something close to excitement just at the thought of it. He’d have to be quick as time had elapsed faster then he’d expected just wandering the streets without any kind of goal and the shop looked as if it was about to close, the sun almost dipping below the horizon as he debated the idea with a smile tugging at his lips.

Glancing around at the empty street he pulled his phone from his pocket and began typing a quick message to his mum, something about staying round Hyungwon’s for extra study that night so there was no need to worry about him, and he smiled at the screen when he received a quick reply of ‘be safe’ with two pink heart emojis tacked on at the end.

Then he took a breath of the cold November air and ventured into the shop across the road, wallet already in hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hoseok knew who was knocking at the door before he’d even opened it.

Having been sat on the couch for the past hour chain smoking cigarettes and trying very hard to ignore the open bottle on the table his night was turning out just like any other. His phone was placed on the edge of the coffee table amid stubbed cigarette butts and tiny particles of ash but the early time meant Jooheon hadn’t gotten drunk enough to call him and he was more than a little bored. It was only seven and yet the sun had already set, the beginnings of winter spreading through Seoul like some kind of icy plague, and he was already a little tipsy despite only being awake for a couple of hours at most. In the past few days he’d only gone to a bar once with his white haired friend and it had been the most boring night yet – he’d done nothing but ignore Jooheon’s constant requests to dance and left before the party even got good.

He didn’t know what was wrong. For some reason during the past week he hadn’t been able to do much more then lounge around and complain to Jooheon whenever he called to ask if he was okay and while Hoseok wasn’t known for his boisterous lifestyle and frequent outings he was beginning to wish for that to change. He needed something to occupy him before he died of boredom in his own apartment and not just at whatever bar he’d been dragged to that night.

That was why, when there came three timid knocks on the wood of his door, he didn’t even hesitate before hauling himself off the sofa, stretching out his arms and moving to pull it open with a grin already settling on his features.

It was Changkyun.

The first thing he noticed was the clothes he wore – Hoseok’s own grey hoody pulled over black jeans with the boots he’d lent to him over a week ago and black hair falling even further over his eyes. He looked almost the same as when he’d bid farewell outside his college except now the angry red of his ear had faded into a slightly inflamed pink as the earring healed and the sleeves on the jumper were pulling away from the hems. There was also a black backpack slung over his right shoulder and the dark circles under his eyes appeared to be more prominent, framing his eyes in deep-set shadows that would have scared Hoseok if he didn’t understand the feeling.

“Hey kid-” He began but was cut off abruptly once again as the other boy walked straight past him and into his apartment. He shook his head and let out a humoured sigh when he was left staring at the empty hallway of the block of flats. Hoseok supposed he should be used to the unusual antics of the younger by now, having let him sleep his apartment two times already, but his strange, somewhat erratic behaviour still managed to catch him by surprise.

“I want you to dye my hair,”

Hoseok was halfway through shutting the front door when the other boy made the bold statement and he whipped round to face him with an expression of surprise. “What?”

Changkyun appeared to take a deep breath before speaking again, this time firmer and more demanding. “I want you to dye my hair,” 

Hoseok rubbed his hands over his face and let out an exasperated sigh. He’d expected the other boy to turn up shaking and nervous just like last time, or perhaps not talking at all. He hadn’t been prepared to deal with strange demands to dye his hair. “Kid, your entrances to my apartment get weirder every time,”

“Can you do it?” Changkyun almost spoke over him and as Hoseok took in his demeanour he realised he wasn’t as calm as he’d originally assumed. There was a slight shake of his hands, a breathless quality to his voice, and with an exhale Hoseok brought his eyes up to look at him.

“What, dye your hair?” He asked.

“Yeah, I have the stuff here..” The younger slung his backpack off his shoulder and pulled on the zip, rummaging around until he brought out a box of bright hair dye. “I want it this colour,”

Hoseok frowned and held his hand out for the box and the other boy willingly placed it in his palm. Bringing it up to his eyes he began to inspect the labels – the underpaid model printed on the front promised ‘long-lasting, vibrant colour’ and the name of the shade was apparently ‘sunset orange’. It was one of those drugstore brands and Hoseok didn’t need to read the rest of the fine-print to know how to apply the dye or how long to leave it for – he’d changed his hair enough times to consider himself above renewing his knowledge on that sort of basic information – and with a long sigh he looked up at the other boy who was hanging on to his every word in an attempt to gauge his reaction.

“If you want it this colour we’d have to bleach your hair first,” Hoseok said bluntly, handing the box to the other boy without another look. 

“Oh..” Changkyun’s face fell immediately and he looked at the little cardboard container with a frown knitting his brows together. Upon seeing his expression drop Hoseok felt his stomach twist in guilt. He didn’t like the way the other boy so easily gave up and crawled back into himself, forgoing all kind of extrovert behaviour and returning to the timid boy he’d brought back home the first night. For a moment he’d been somewhat confident by asking Hoseok to do something instead of blindly doing what the older boy told him to and he could feel his resolve wavering just by looking at the defeat in his face.

He sighed before speaking again. “I have the bleach. I was going to use it for my roots later this week but I guess I can be the selfless dumbass I am and let you use it,”

“So you’ll do it?” Changkyun’s face lit up immediately. 

Hoseok felt his throat constrict upon seeing the other boy break out into a blinding smile and he took a second to remember how to breathe before he nodded his head.

“Do I ever say no to you kid?” Hoseok replied, trying to be condescending despite the amused smile pulling at his lips. “Are we getting drunk for this one or..?”

“I didn’t come here to get sober,” Changkyun said bluntly and Hoseok let out a genuine laugh at his statement. Trust the kid to expect him to supply alcohol for the third time in a row, but, if he was perfectly honest, he didn’t mind getting drunk with the other boy. It was fun and it gave him something to do on an otherwise mundane Tuesday night.

“C’mon then,” He gestured to the other boy and made his way over to the fridge, around the couch and occasional crumpled can, falling into his usual routine of opening the door with a grunt and pulling out two green bottles. They were exact same brand as the last two times they’d done this but the Changkyun didn’t seem to mind despite the high alcohol content. As somebody who spent a large majority of his waking life decidedly un-sober, Hoseok was in no position to complain.

Placing the bottles on the kitchen counter with a light hand, he pulled open the drawer nearest the sink and took hold of one of the knives before beginning to lever the tops of the bottles off with practiced skill. Someday he’d have to teach the other boy how to open the vodka himself if only to make sure he didn’t hurt himself trying on his own. Shortly after popping the first metal cap off with the blade he posed a question that had been haunting him since he’d heard the three knocks on his door. “Are you here ‘cos you wanted to kill yourself again?”

“No,” The other boy said quickly, approaching the opposite side of the breakfast bar and leaning his hands on it. There was a pause where Hoseok looked up at him from his task in order to fully convey his obvious disbelief at the statement and he was pleased to discover Changkyun looking maybe a little guilty at what he’d said. “Well.. maybe. Yeah… but I figured coming here before I got bad enough to do anything was my best bet, right?”

“Right,” Hoseok looked up at him with a grin and watched the way the other boy's eyes crinkled at the praise. God, what he would pay to see that smile for the rest of his miserable fucking life. “I’m glad kid. I kinda like having you around no matter how fucking annoying you are,”

Changkyun snorted and took the open bottle from the side of the counter, leaving Hoseok to finish levering the other cap before he too could take a swig. He raised his eyebrows at the other boy as he went to drink from the bottle and instead of taking a sip himself he decided to hold up his own across the breakfast bar. The younger looked confused for a second or two, probably trying to figure out just what Hoseok was implying, but with a grin the action finally sank in and he tapped Hoseoks bottle with his own. The light tinkle of glass on glass was a pretty sound. A toast to both of their stupidity.

“I see you’re wearing shoes today?” Hoseok motioned to his feet, hidden below the counter across from him, and was met with a light shrug from the other boy.

“I came straight from college. No time to mope around at home and forget to wear them,”

“I thought you’d lost them?” Hoseok raised an eyebrow.

“I have,” Changkyun grinned, taking a long gulp from the bottle.

Hoseok laughed at his absurdity and they fell into a comfortable silence, both occasionally choosing to drink as they listened to the low hum of cars drifting through the half open window. A few minutes passed without either of them speaking. While in any other situation the lack of conversation might have been awkward Hoseok quite appreciated it and he figured the younger did too for he didn’t speak until Hoseok asked him another question.

“We ready to do this?” His voice was nonchalant but he still couldn’t believe he’d agreed to the youngers strange demands.

Changkyun laughed softly. “Let me get a little more drunk first,” 

There was a small pause in which the older boy watched as he took another long swig from his bottle and barely grimaced despite the strong taste. Kid learned well, he could even down vodka without complaining now.

“It’s funny, isn’t it?” Hoseok smiled, voice hinting at amusement.

“Hmm?” Changkyun looked up at him.

“Last week I was convincing you to do stupid shit to your appearance, now it’s you asking me to fuck you up,”

Changkyun laughed. It almost sounded like a giggle and Hoseok figured the alcohol was already dripping into his bloodstream. “After the piercing.. I don’t know, it just felt good to do something different yeah? It kinda gave me a rush,”

“Was that the piercing, the alcohol or the cigarette?” Hoseok asked with raised eyebrows.

“Um.. all three?” He replied sheepishly. “Speaking of which, can I have another one? I mean, another cigarette,”

Hoseok scoffed at the youngers request. “Sorry kid, I’m gonna have to put my foot down on that one. I let you have one puff but that shit ain’t a joke. I don’t wanna be the dumbass who gets you addicted,”

“But you give me alcohol,” Changkyun pointed out as he took another swig.

“That’s different,” The older boy shrugged. It was true. Both nicotine and alcohol were technically drugs, sure, but while Hoseok could justify letting the kid drink once a week in the relative safety of his apartment he couldn’t allow him to start smoking because he had no way to monitor that outside his flat. He was beginning to realise the other boy had a habit for participating in self-destructive tendencies and he wasn’t about to fuel them any further then he had to.

“You don’t mind me being here, do you?” Changkyun asked suddenly, looking up at him with wide eyes.

“Of course not kid. I said you should come here if it ever got bad and I’m glad you did. It’s always nice when friends don’t kill themselves,”

“Friends?” His voice was surprised and his eyes widened at the suggestion. Hoseok shrugged lightly.

“Yeah. I think, after everything that’s happened the past couple weeks, we’re definitely friends. Right?”

The younger boy hummed in agreement, looking down at the bottle he held clasped in both hands. He seemed to be thinking but Hoseok couldn’t tell what was running through that strange mind of his.

“You ready to do this?” Changkyun spoke suddenly and the questioning tone of his voice made the older boy laugh. He placed his bottle on the kitchen counter and stretched his arms above his head before running a light hand through his tousled hair.

“Ready as ever kid, so long as your parents don’t hunt me down afterwards. You sure you wanna fuck your hair up?”

Chankgyun nodded with a small grin. “I’m sure,”

He shook his head in disbelief and looked up at the younger boy. “You’re insane, you know that right?”

Changkyun laughed, and when he set his face into a thin smile and stared at the bottle his expression looked somewhat bitter. “Yeah, I know,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

They were back in the bathroom again, Changkyun perched on the edge of the toilet and Hoseok busying himself by the shelf above the kitchen sink. The entire scene was reminiscent of the event that had occurred over a week ago, where they’d both been drunk and Changkyun had stupidly allowed Hoseok to shove some metal through his ear. Now, however, the dynamic was shifting, and it was the youngest asking the oldest to make dramatic changes to his appearance and there was also considerably less alcohol and pain involved this time around. They were both a little tipsy, sure, but nowhere near as far gone as last time and Changkyun supposed it was because what they were about to do required a lot more concentration than just stabbing something through his ear. As he watched Hoseok appeared to be busy rummaging around in the shelf behind the mirror, occasionally taking something off the shelves and placing it at the side of the sink.

When Changkyun had chosen to buy the hair dye he hadn’t really been thinking straight. He hadn’t realised they’d need to bleach it beforehand and he also hadn’t thought about what the older boy would say when he’d turned up uninvited. It was almost a part of his routine now, his thought process no longer jumped from hating himself to attempting to die, there was a middle step involved that required him to make the long trek across Seoul just to knock on the bikers door and enter without permission. He hoped the other boy didn’t mind doing this for him, he’d hesitated before agreeing earlier and Changkyun didn’t know if it was reluctance to help him or reluctance to fuel his strange requests.

Hoseok's calming voice brought him back to the present and he looked up at him across the cramped room when he began to speak.

“You’ve never dyed your hair before, right?” Changkyun shook his head in reply and the older boy nodded to show he’d heard. “Good. Don’t wanna be the one who makes your hair fall out,” He chuckled lightly and Changkyun felt the familiar feeling of anxiety settle in the pit of his stomach. He liked it though, he’d missed the feeling of nervous anticipation at the thought of doing something that he wasn’t allowed to do.

“Wait here,” Hoseok said firmly, and as the younger boy opened his mouth to protest he left him alone in the bathroom perched on the edge of the bath. Through the gap in the door Changkyun could see as he ventured into what he assumed was his bedroom and return a few moments later with a small cardboard box in his hand.

“Is that the bleach?” He asked curiously, watching at the older boy took out a small plastic bottle as well as a folded leaflet of instructions and laid them over the counter. He uncapped the lid with well-practiced hands and Changkyun couldn’t help watching the tendons under his skin move as he did so. The bathroom was flooded with the scent of chemicals the minute he began squeezing the substance into a small, well-used pot and mixing it with the brush that had also come inside the packet.

“Yeah, forty vol peroxide, this is some strong shit,”

Changkyun wrinkled his nose in disgust at the smell. “That’s going on my hair?”

“Yes, it is,” Hoseok laughed at the obvious expression on his face, scraping around the edge of the little plastic container as he made sure all the powder was dissolving into the binding medium. “Now this is gonna sound weird,” He began speaking again, turning to Changkyun with the pot in one hand and brush in the other. “But can you take off your hoody for me?”

Changkyun looked up at him in surprise. He thought he was joking, but the set of his jaw and expectation of his stance told otherwise. He was completely serious. “What? Take off my hoody? No way,”

“Do you wanna get bleach on my clothes?” Hoseok raised a challenging eyebrow.

The younger boy stared at him for a couple of seconds, mouth opening and closing as he tried to figure out what to say. “Well, no, but I don’t have anything on underneath and-”

“Just do it kid, the bleach is ready. Don’t want it to start burning its way through the pot and scaring my hand for life,” Hoseok waved the brush around somewhat threateningly.

Changkyun was pretty sure that was not how bleach worked but he was in no position to question the older boy. He really didn’t want to take off his hoody, the thought of being so exposed in such a confined space didn’t really bode well with his thoughts, but upon weighing the options of refusing to follow orders and simply complying he figured he should do what he told him to. He was the expert, right? With a small sigh he gripped the ends of the hoody he was wearing in his hands and pulled it off over his head, throwing it out the way of the bleach and into the corner of the room just under the sink. As soon as the soft fabric had landed on the tiled floor he crossed his arms over his body and hooked his hands onto both of his elbows in a vain attempt to cover up what he could of his bare torso.

He was left feeling very exposed beneath the fluorescent white light of the bathroom and was incredibly grateful when Hoseok didn’t make a move to look him up and down or even glance his way at all, he just continued mixing his strange concoction without so much as a shift in eye direction. If it had been the first night the younger would have assumed he just wanted trouble, with his muscular frame and multiple piercings, but he was starting to learn that the older boy wasn’t nearly as intimidating as he looked. Hoseok knew respect and Changkyun appreciated that more than anything. The younger boy was incredibly self-conscious, wanting to disappear even when wearing clothes, so taking them off to reveal his pale stomach – thin but not toned, overwhelmingly average to say the least – was incredibly daunting and made him want to crawl into a hole and not come out until he was dead.

Changkyun jumped when he felt a cold hand on the bare skin of his shoulder, the prickles of contact sending a shiver down his spine as it lowered him onto the edge of the bathtub. He glanced up at the other boy but his view was short lived as he felt a firm hand tilt his head downwards to stare at the tiled pattern of the floor. There was the sound of plastic and he assumed Hoseok was pulling on gloves of some sort. His prediction seemed to be correct for when there came a tickling sensation across his scalp as the other boy parted his hair there was the unmistakably smooth texture of plastic against his skin as it dragged down his hair line.

“You ready?” Hoseok asked, once again reminding Changkyun of the previous time they’d both sat in the bathroom and he’d asked the exact same question. “Once we start there’s no going back,”

Changkyun gave a resolute nod. He was more than ready. He’d been itching to change something about himself ever since he’d felt the rush from piercing his ear and dying his hair seemed like the perfect opportunity to maybe make him not hate every fibre of his being for the next couple of days

Just as he felt the first bristles scrape the top of the head he pulled back suddenly, a frown etched on his face. “Wait, what if you get bleach on your clothes?”

Hoseok looked down at him and laughed softly. His silhouette was framed in the artificial light of the bathroom and making it look like there was a soft halo of white surrounding his head but Changkyun knew the other boy was far from holy. “Are you asking me to strip?”

Changkyun’s face grew hot at the suggestion. “What? No, I-”

“Relax Kid, I’m a professional,” Hoseok smiled and this time it was sincere. He seemed to be reassuring the younger boy and it was working so with a small swallow and dip of his head, Changkyun allowed him to start painting his hair in the bleach.

The sensation of the paste against his head was one of the weirdest he’d ever experienced. Hoseok started from the roots, flipping the brush round in his nimble hands and using the end to part his hair as he moved across his scalp. At first Changkyun could feel nothing other than the application of the substance on his head but after a few seconds of it cementing there came a subtle prickling sensation across the open skin it was exposed to along with an overwhelming smell of household chemicals. It wasn’t painful, just uncomfortable, and Changkyun would have happily sat in relative silence as he let the other boy work but apparently Hoseok had other ideas.

“So, kid,” He began somewhat bluntly as he dipped the brush back into the pot he held in on hand, smearing the bleach on another strand of hair towards the centre of Changkyun’s head. “What's up with your weird friend, hmm?”

The younger boy frowned as he kept his head still and eyes trained on the tiled floor. “What friend? Hyungwon?”

“Yeah, him. The impatient one. Did he give you any grief after I brought you to school the other day?” Hoseok tilted the other boys head slightly to the left, the plastic gloves rustling as the pads of his fingers guided his head. Changkyun let out a soft laugh at the question and allowed his head to be moved to the side with ease.

“Nah. He was a little pissed off I hadn’t told him about you to be honest, went off at me about not mentioning my ‘super hot biker friend’ sooner,” Changkyun grinned as he recalled the memory of Hyungwon’s playfully outraged face as he bombarded the younger boy with questions about whether or not Hoseok was prettier up close or far away once he’d gotten over the initial shock of seeing his friend turn up at school hungover and smelling like tobacco.

“Super hot biker friend?” The older boy grinned as he leant around his body to smear paste on the shorter hair at the nape of Changkyun’s neck. “Stop, you’re fuelling my huge ego,”

“I don’t know where he gets it from to be honest,” A fond smile tugged at his face. “He’s always spouting that kind of shit, never stops talking,”

It was Hoseok’s turn to let out a soft laugh. Changkyun couldn’t see his face as he worked on the back of his head by the could imagine the pretty crinkle of the other boys' eyes in his mind. “Shit? I’m offended, you don’t think I’m your super hot biker friend?”

“Well, I-” Changkyun stuttered, feeling his face grow hot. There was a twist of anxiety in his chest at the thought of being accused of something and while he’d be lying if he didn’t think Hoseok was a good-looking guy something about admitting that to his face made his stomach sink to the floor. “I’m just.. I’m just saying- I wasn’t-”

“Relax kid, it just a joke,” The older said, words tainted with amusement, but the youngest didn’t have any time to process it before Hoseok was pulling back from his head to admire his handiwork. The brush in his hand was still coated in bleach, the bristled matted together by the sticky substance, but it seemed he had finished applying what he could to Changkyun’s head. “There, all done”

“It’s done?” The youngest looked up in surprise. That had hardly taken any time at all.

“The bleach is, at least,” Hoseok said, pulling off his gloves with a loud crinkle. “Gonna leave that on for about 20 minutes, okay?”

Changkyun nodded in agreement, and when Hoseok balanced the pot on the side of the sink and went to leave the room he stood up to follow but was stopped in his tracks by the older boy shooting a pointed finger at him.

“No no no, kid, you stay right there,” He said firmly. “I know we’re all best buddies and shit but if you get bleach on any of my furniture I’ll throw you off that fucking bridge myself,”

“Oh.. yeah, sorry,” Changkyun lowered himself back onto the edge of the bathtub, watching the other boy leave and preparing to sit there in boredom for the next twenty minutes. The thin walls of the cheap apartment meant Changkyun could hear his steps as he paced around the living room a couple times but silence fell shortly after and so he tried to find other ways to occupy himself seeing as the older boy didn't seem to be returning anytime soon. The twenty minutes passed relatively quickly with him counting the tiles of the bathroom floor and trying to ignore the slight burning sensation of his scalp but when Hoseok finally returned the younger boy couldn’t help the way his face lit up at the sight of him and his stomach twisted in something other than nerves.

“Okay, time to wash this shit out,” He declared as he re-entered the small room, taking the gloves he’d previously discarded at the side of the sink and pulling them over his hands in one smooth motion. Changkyun watched as he approached him and saw a gentle smile light up his face as he spoke again. “I’m going to need you to kneel on the floor and stick your head over the bathtub, okay?”

Changkyun nodded and did as he was told, hopping off the edge of the bathtub and pressing his knees into the hard ceramic floor below.

Hoseok appeared to reach for the shower head and after a few seconds of silence there came the unmistakable torrent of water hitting plastic as it rained directly into the bathtub. Changkyun felt the older boy push his head until his neck was tilted uncomfortably forward and then there was suddenly startlingly cold water hitting his head, running in rivers down the nape of his neck and dripping from his ears. As Hoseok ran his hands through his hair the bleach started to come away in congealed bits, running down the drain and leaving his hair feeling a lot lighter than it had before.

The other boy was so close, lip bitten in concentration as he struggled to move the showerhead around and remove all the bleach. He smelt like vodka and cheap cigarettes and overwhelmingly like car oil, a pungent smell even when the room was already filled with the strong odour of bleach washing down the drain.

As he pulled away his hands were gentle and guiding, pushing back the youngers boys fringe to stop the damp hair dripping into his eyes, and for a second Changkyun could have sworn they trailed along his back just a second too long as they retreated.

Hoseok draped a towel over his shoulders and pulled him into an upright position and when Changkyun turned around he hoped the other boy couldn’t see the blush on his cheeks.

“Now we’ve got to put the dye in, yeah? Same process, different product,” He had already started preparing something else on the side of the sink amid a multitude of different products. There was a tube of hair dye and another packet of gloves as well as a second pot he supposed was for mixing.

“Can I see what my hair looks like now?” Changkyun asked curiously.

“Not unless you wanna be terrified,” He laughed as he busied the dye. “After one bleaching session without toner hair looks fucking gross. I hate to break it to you, but you look like a mess right now,”

“When don’t I look like a mess,” Changkyun screwed up his face as the other boy approached him, dye-filled pot in one hand and cleaned brush in the other. He simply laughed in response before lowering him onto the edge of the bathtub for a second time using the side of his left hand.

They didn’t talk as Hoseok applied the hair dye. Instead, the younger boy listened to him hum under his breath as he worked. The sound was calming and the song was pretty, a collection of smooth high notes that blended together in a harmony not only pleasing to the ears but relaxing as well. Changkyun could feel his muscles grow less tense just by listening although there came a brief moment where he thought he’d rather a cigarette have done the same thing.

All of a sudden the hovering presence of the older boy disappeared from his head and Changyun wondered if he was done but then there came the uncomfortable feeling of something being wrapped around his head combined with the telltale rustle of plastic.

“This is a plastic bag, yeah? I’ve wrapped your head in it ‘cos it helps the dye set,” Changkyun nodded to show he understood as the older boy began washing his hands in the sink after pulling off the gloves and placing them at the side. “I’m gonna set a timer on my phone for when this shit needs to come off, okay?”

“Hoseok?” Changkyun looked up at him.

“Yeah kid?”

Changkyun swallowed, all of a sudden nervous. “Can you.. can you stay here while it sets? It’s lonely sitting here for so long,”

Hoseok gaped at him for a few seconds, obviously confused, before giving a small nod. “Yeah. Yeah, course I can kid. D’you want me to go get our drinks?”

Changkyun shook his head. “No. It’s a Tuesday. Getting drunk is fun but I don’t wanna suffer like I did last Monday at school,”

“That’s fair enough, you did look like shit last week,” Hoseok laughed softly, lowering himself on to the bathroom floor and stretching into a comfortable position with one leg bent and an arm casually propped on it. Changkyun watched as he shifted his body weight momentarily, reaching into his pocket to pull out his packet of cigarettes and sticking one between his teeth before lighting the end in a motion he was familiar with seeing now. They sat there in silence for a few minutes, Hoseok occasionally taking drags from the cigarette and Changkyun watching the smoke curl in the air above his head.

“Is this all you do?”

“Hmm?” Hoseok looked up at where he was sat on the edge of the bathtub, freezing with the cigarette almost at his lips.

Changkyun gestured to the other boy. “Lounge around, smoke cigarettes, drink. Is that all you do?”

“Yeah,” He laughed softly, staring at the cigarette in his hand. “Fucking pathetic, isn’t it?”

Changkyun didn’t say anything. Instead he watched the older boy take a long drag from the stick and then proceed to scatter ash on the bathroom floor with a tap of the filter paper. He watched the little specks of grey float to the ground and settle on the white tiles in strange fascination.

“Someday I feel like I’m going to die of boredom,” Hoseok mumbled.

“Do you ever like, go outside?” Changkyun frowned. It was a stupid question, of course he went outside. He’d picked him up from the bridge that night and even taken him to school, not to mention the vodka in his fridge probably didn’t just magically restock every weekend, but beside from that he couldn’t imagine Hoseok really doing anything that wasn’t drinking in his apartment or scattering ash on his carpet. The overall appearance he presented wasn’t like the usual young adults seen walking around Seoul, his piercings, bleached hair and fondness for leather jackets probably meant other people didn’t really want to initiate anything with him - unless they were about to jump off a bridge that is.

“Sometimes,” Hoseok shrugged. “I hang out with my friends occasionally. Well, friend. And by hang out I mean he drags me to bars all the time and I complain about it,”

“Is he a good friend?”

“Who, Jooheon? Yeah. Yeah he is. I mean, he’s a horny piece of shit who never stop talking about which dick he wants to suck but yeah, he’s always been good to me. We’re like brothers,”

Changkyun coughed, eyes growing wide at the sentence and Hoseok looked over at him with an amused laughed.

“Sorry kid, does the idea of sucking dick scare you?”

“What? No, I..” He felt a blush began to creep up his cheeks and Hoseok found it incredibly funny.

“Aww, little Changkyun-ie gets flustered when we mention dicks,” Hoseok teased. Changkyun felt the blush deepen on his cheeks and the older boy let out let another quiet laugh. “It’s okay, I get it. You’re just a kid,”

“I’m not just a kid,” Changkyun said defiantly but even as he spoke he felt a pout pull at his lips and he realised he sounded considerably childish.

“Oh, really? If you’re not a kid, how many times have you ever- oh shit, wait, hold on,”

Changkyun didn’t get to hear what the older boy was about to ask him because there came a buzzing from his front pocket and he watched in curiosity as he pulled out a phone with the hand not holding his cigarette and held it up to his ear.

“What the fuck d’you want?” 

Changkyun couldn’t stop the laugh that fell out his mouth as the other boy picked up the call with such a vulgar greeting. He wasn’t surprised, Hoseok wasn’t really one for formalities. The younger boy watched as his face formed a grimace at whoever was down the line and felt his own brow draw together in response.

“No Jooheon, I told you, I ain’t going,” The older boy let out an exasperated sigh as he conversed with the person on the other end of the call. 

Not going where? What was Hoseok talking about? Jooheon was the friend he’d mentioned earlier, right? Changkyun looked at Hoseok in blatant curiosity, eyes scanning the cigarette held lightly between the tips of his fingers as his hand rested on his knee, and while he was unable to work out the other half of the conversation just by listening to the hum of words coming out the speaker he was suddenly struck by another quite brilliant idea. He was aware the alcohol in his veins was clouding his thoughts just a little and he probably shouldn’t do what he was about to do but then again, there were lots of things Changkyun shouldn't do that he did anyway.

“No matter how many times you offer to suck my dick it ain’t happening- oi!”

Hoseok didn’t finish his sentence and instead dropped the phone away from his ear as his face formed an expression of disbelief. The younger boy ignored his outrage and shot him a mischievous grin from across the small room.

Changkyun had just leant forward and, with a quick manoeuvre coupled with the element of surprise, stolen the cigarette right from his hands.

“What the fuck are you doing?” He hissed at Changkyun, watching as he took a long drag from the cigarette he’d had between his fingertips only a few moments ago. He remembered what Hoseok had said last time about smoking and followed his instructions perfectly, pulling the smoke into his mouth before sucking his cheeks in and letting the heat spread throughout his chest.

“Smoking,” The other boy mumbled in reply around the filter paper stuck in between his teeth. The effect was immediate, a blanket of warm enveloping his lungs, a brief sensation of floating as lights danced in front of his eyes and disrupted his view of the bathroom, the relaxing of his muscles as his back slumped and he let out a pleasant sigh. Oh, how he had missed this.

“You little fucker-” Hoseok almost snarled, teeth gritted and face outraged, but for whatever reason Changkyun just found the situation incredibly funny and he had a hard time not laughing. 

“ _Did you just call me a little fucker?_ ” The voice down the line was so clear in it’s disbelief even Changkyun could hear it from across the bathroom.

“Wait, no, Jooheon, I didn’t mean you,” Hoseok sighed, sandwiching the phone between his shoulder and ear, attempting to reach for the cigarette in Changkyun’s hand. The younger boy frowned at him from his position on the bathtub and held the stick away from his searching hand.

“What were you saying brother?” He said down the line, motioning at Changkyun to give him back the cigarette with a frown on his face. Changkyun shook his head with a grin and proceeded to take another drag, relishing in the taste of chemicals that scraped his tongue and the hot air burning his throat.

“ _I was just saying about the party and-_ ” Jooheon’s voice could be heard clearly by them both now that Hoseok was holding the phone away from his ear as he glared at Changkyun. “ _Hoseok? Is everything alright?_ ”

“Fucking peachy,” The older boy grumbled, reaching across to grab the cigarette back from between Changkyun’s fingertips. From where he was sat on the floor, with his back leant against the wall by the door directly across from the younger boy, even in the cramped bathroom it was almost impossible to reach. Changkyun grinned and Hoseok continued to glare at him. “Fuck me kid, you're a fucking nuisance-“

“ _Hoseok? Are you having sex?”_

Hoseok froze and looked at the phone in his hand with a mixed expression of disgust and disbelief. “What?” 

“ _I can go if you want, I don’t mean to interrupt anything brother-_ ”

“No Jooheon, I’m not having sex,” Hoseok sighed in exasperation, apparently giving up on chasing Changkyun for the cigarette. The younger boy looked at him with wide eyes and stifled his laugh when Hoseok held up a finger for him to shush.

“ _Well then why the fuck are you shouting ‘fuck me’ for dumbass?_ ”

Changkyun shrugged when he felt his eyes bore into him, feigning innocence under Hoseok’s angry glare, and took yet another long drag from the cigarette. He watched the smoke curl from his mouth as he exhaled and heard the older boy sigh before shaking his head. “Just.. it’s nothing. Nevermind. What were you saying?”

“ _Oh yeah, the party. If you wanna go I need to know by tomorrow, yeah? Druggie said if he didn't get back to the owner with my answer by the morning I'd be the complete opposite of screwed, pun intended,_ ”

Hoseok rubbed his face with one hand as he spoke with an apologetic tone. “Uhh, no. Sorry brother, I really am. I just don’t think I’m up for Haneuls anytime soon,”

There was a sigh from the other end of the call and Changkyun strained his ears at the silence. He was curious, what party were they talking about? Why didn’t Hoseok want to go?

“ _Okay. I’ll see you, yeah?_ ”

“Yeah. Have fun brother, get your dick sucked,”

“ _You too,_ ”

When Hoseok hung up the phone he turned to look at Changkyun with a scowl. “I can’t fucking believe you kid, I told you, no more cigarettes!”

“You don’t tell me what to do,” Changkyun said, but his voice was a little unsteady at the sudden harsh tone of the older boy. Hoseok immediately looked sorry and appeared to shake his head in an effort to clear his thoughts.

“You shouldn’t smoke, that shits bad for you,”

“I don’t care,” Changkyun said indignantly, but as he went to take another puff he realised there was hardly any of the stick left. He wrinkled his nose, disappointed that he'd only managed to experience the strangely comforting feeling of hot air in his lungs a couple of times, before choosing to stub the butt on the sink just like he’d seen Hoseok do on the coffee table. He rubbed the ash into the ceramic until the smear of grey was no longer smouldering and he was left with his lungs still warm and muscles relaxed.

“Fuck,” Hoseok rubbed his face with his hands. “I’m such a fucking bad influence,”

“No you’re not,” Changkyun tried to reassure the older boy as he leant against the wall in defeat. He had just wanted to smoke again, he hadn’t meant to make his new friend feel so bad about it, and now his stomach twisted with guilt at the thought of upsetting him. “I’m sorry, I was the one who chose to do it, not you,”

Hoseok offered him a small smile, indicating he was no longer mad, just in fond disbelief “You’re a little shit, you know that? First you steal my vodka, now my cigarette, whats next? My bike? My friends? Let me call Jooheon, ask if he wants to hang out with you instead,”

“Fuck off,” Changkyun laughed.

“Swearing too? By God, I’ve corrupted you already,” Hoseok said dramatically and the mood was immediately lifted. Changkyun grinned and kicked his leg playfully.

“Shut up. Was that Jooheon on the phone?” He asked curiously and Hoseok nodded in response. “What did he want?”

The older boy shrugged. “Just asking me about some shitty party happening at the end of this week,”

“You’re not going?” Changkyun frowned. That was strange. Just by taking in the outward appearance of the other boy anybody would have assumed he was an avid party-goer and his drinking habits also indicated a past experience with spending nights out in clubs. Changkyun was therefore surprised when the other boy seemed somewhat put-off by the entire ordeal and he watched him wrinkle his nose at the thought.

“Not really my thing,”

“That’s weird. I woulda thought you were one for parties,”

Hoseok smiled somewhat wistfully as he continued talking, head resting on the tiled wall behind him and eyes staring at the ceiling. “I used to go to them all the time. Got fucked up a lot, but it was some of the best fun I’ve ever had,”

The younger boy frowned in confusion. “What happened? Why don’t you go to them anymore?”

“Things change,”

There was a short silence in which the blond haired biker seemed lost in his thoughts and Changkyun was left wondering what had happened to make him so adverse to parties.

“What kind of party is it?”

Hoseok laughed softly. “Why, thinking of going?”

Changkyun shrugged and looked down at hands. The hoody Hoseok had lent him was still thrown in the corner of the room and so he had no sleeves to fiddle with in habit. He settled instead for picking at his fingernails. “It might be fun,”

Hoseok laughed. “You wouldn’t survive one night at Haneuls,”

“I would if you were there,” Changkyun said pointedly. If he was honest he didn’t even know what Haneuls was but he assumed it was where the party was being held, right? It sounded like a club name, albeit an obscure one, but the mysterious label didn’t put him off from wanting to know more about the event being held there. In fact, it made him even more curious.

Hoseok rolled his eyes. “Are you and Jooheon in cohorts or something? I swear to fucking god-”

“When is it?” Changkyun made a point of interrupting him. 

There was a pause. “Friday. This Friday,”

“We should go,” 

Hoseok pulled a face. “I don’t think-”

“It’ll keep my mind off wanting to die, it’s something to look forward to,” Changkyun gauged the other boys' reaction as he spoke. “Plus you said yourself you were dying of boredom just sat in your apartment all day,”

Hoseok laughed softly. He sounded surprised at the youngers persistence and not annoyed at his request. “Look at you Kid, being all grown up. Trying to convince the adults to do stupid shit in their spare time. Are you usually this self-destructive?”

“Are you usually this scared of having fun?” Changkyun tried to taunt him but Hoseok didn’t seem the least bit bothered by it. “C’mon, we should go. I dare you,”

Hoseok tilted his head down from where it was starting at the ceiling to look at the younger boy with an expression of disbelief. “You what?”

“I dare you,”

Hoseok narrowed his eyes from across the room. “You can’t make me do anything you little shit. First you steal my cigarette, now this?”

Changkyun frowned. “You’re backing out on my dare? After I let you pierce my ear?”

“I didn’t say-”

“Somebody’s a scaredy cat,”

Hoseok looked at him in complete disbelief. “What did you just call me?”

“A scaredy cat,” Changkyun crossed his arms stubbornly. He was aware he was being difficult but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Why didn’t he want to go to the party? Surely it would be fun, especially if they went together? He didn’t understand why getting drunk in a club was so different to getting drunk in his apartment.

“You’re fucking twelve years old, I can’t believe-”

“Ooooh, my name is Hoseok and all I do is mope about my apartment and get drunk with little kids because I’m too scared to go outside,” The younger boy pulled a face as he mocked him. He watched the older boy bristle as he was made fun of and his brow knitted together into a frown when he spoke again.

“Fuck off, I shoulda never let you have that vodka-”

Changkyun began talking over him again, disregarding the little part of his mind that told him he was going too far. “Oooh look at me, I swear ‘cos I’m a big boy but I won’t even go to a party with my new friend,”

Hoseok let out an exasperated sigh as he ran his hands through his bleached hair. “If I say yes will you shut up?”

Changkyun nodded quickly, his lips pressed into a thin line as he tried to hide his amusement.

The older boy shook his head as if he couldn’t believe what he was about to say and there was a short silence before he spoke it aloud. “Fine then. I’ll go,”

Changkyun felt his face break out in a grin at the excitement of his agreement. “Fuck yeah! It’s gonna be so fun, holy shit-“

“But!” Changkyun was caught midway through his celebration by Hoseok interrupting him with a voice that sounded somewhat serious. “You have to promise me you won’t do any stupid shit, right? Hanuels isn’t a fucking joke,”

He nodded firmly at the request. It wouldn’t be hard, right? He was just thankful the other boy had agreed to his demands. “I promise,”

Changkyun didn’t particularly know why he wanted to go to the party so bad but he supposed it had something to do with the twist of fear in his stomach at the thought that it might be a little dangerous.

He relished in it.

All of sudden the alarm on Hoseoks phone rang and Changkyun jumped in surprise, eliciting a small laugh from the other boy as he wrapped his fingers around the edge of the sink and hauled himself to his feet.

“Ah, dumbass saved by the motherfucking bell. Let's wash this shit out before your head explodes or something, we can talk about the shitty party later,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hoseok was as gentle as he could be.

The other boy was so trusting, leaning over the bathtub to let the other boy wash out the dye, and he felt an overwhelming responsibility to take care of him. In one hand he held the shower head and guided the water over his head while the other gently rinsed the dye from his scalp, massaging the wet slivers of hair until the colour fell from the tips and dripped into the bathtub. He was very aware that the bright remnants of dye were probably going to stain. While the majority of the colour was whisked down the drain by the running water a small layer of it clung to the white of the tub but Hoseok didn’t really mind, his apartment was such a mess anyway that a stained bathtub seemed like the least of his worries.

No, what worried him was the party he had stupidly agreed to go to. There was no doubt about the danger of the entire thing and the younger boy knew nothing of what clubbing was like but for whatever reason the minute Changkyun had looked at him with those innocent puppy-dog eyes and pink lips he couldn’t find it in himself to say no.

Hoseok had always believed he was the defining character in other people’s lives, that he was the one who told them what to do. He was beginning to realise his weakness was a certain kid with a piercing through his upper ear and a taste for reckless habits.

As the vibrancy of the water started to run thin and the hair under his hand began to feel a lot less thick with substance Hoseok still refused to look at the other boy's torso. If it had been anybody else he would have scanned their body happily, taking in the smooth dip of the sternum and curves of the chest, but he had more respect for Changkyun then his bad boy biker outlook suggested. He figured he knew the younger boy well enough to know he wouldn’t appreciate somebody eying him up and down so as tempting as it was to take in his body Hoseok simply ignored it and instead focused on the gentle guiding of his hand through his hair and over the back of his neck as he washed out the dye. The other boy was so fragile, so small and breakable that he didn’t want to upset him any further.

Once he realised the water was running clear he pushed the tap with one hand to stop the flow and hooked the shower head onto its stand on the wall, watching with an amused grin as Changkyun struggled to push himself up from the floor after kneeling for so long. He wrinkled his nose at the chemical smell of the hair-dye as the remaining slivers fell down the drain and then turned to face the younger boy, at which point he felt his eyes widen considerably just at the sight of him. 

His hair was bright fucking orange.

It was the kind of colour you saw printed at the borders of train tickets or peeking over the horizon at sunset, a vivid, deep hue that even Hoseok was in awe of. He’d been expecting a bright shade, sure, they’d even bleached his hair beforehand to make sure the colour took as well as it could, but he hadn’t been expecting something so.. drastic. So daring and out there. He looked surprisingly older and more rebellious than before, and Hoseok was struck with the weird thought that while his black hair had enhanced the shadows under his eyes and pallor of his skin, this dramatic colour bought blush to his cheeks and made him look alive.

“You look like a wet dog,” Hoseok laughed, drying his hands with the towel by the sink as he admired his handiwork. The other boy's vivid hair was dripping, both on the floor and running in little rivulets down his exposed chest, and he simply wrinkled his face at the older boys teasing as he tried to run a hand through his wet hair.

“Here, you can put this on now,” He held out the grey fabric of his jumper to the other boy who pulled it over his head quickly. Little droplets of water fell onto his shoulders and created specks of dark against the light of the cotton, making it look as if he’d just been outside in the rain and not cooped up in a bathroom for the past two hours.

“Can I.. can I see it?” Changkyun asked, and all of a sudden his voice sounded nervous. Hoseok nodded and gestured to the place in front of him where there was just enough space in the small room for them both to look into the mirror at the same time. He watched the younger boy close his eyes and take a small, shaky breath before moving to stand in front of him. 

The second Changkyun caught sight of his own reflection he let out a surprised gasp. “Woah..”

“Do you like it?” Hoseok grinned as he stared at the bright colour in the mirror alongside him.

Changkyun nodded breathlessly. “I look like a whole different person,”

“Is that a good thing?” Hoseok laughed softly when Changkyun nodded vigorously in agreement, flicking little droplets of orange tinted water onto the mirror in front of him.

“Do I look okay?” All of a sudden Changkyun turned around to face him and in the cramped space of the bathroom Hoseok held his breath at the vicinity of the younger boy. He was so _close_. There were a few seconds where he just stood in surprise and found it hard to formulate an answer as his brain went blank and he was struck by the unusual feeling of not knowing what to say. He always knew what to say, but Changkyun’s big eyes so close to his were enough to make the words catch in his throat.

Eventually he managed to stutter an answer, cringing at the sound of his voice. “You look.. more than okay. You look great, kid,”

There was this awkward silence where neither of them said anything, just stared at each other in the weird place of in between, and it was only brought to a halt by Hoseok clearing his throat loudly and stepping away from him.

“So, you little orange-haired shit,” He began, running a hand through his own hair as he looked around at the empty product bottles sat on the side of the sink strewn next to the stained plastic gloves and instruction leaflet. “I know you said you don’t wanna be hungover tomorrow, but I really need a fucking drink after doing all that,”

Changkyun laughed as he turned to the mirror to continue to inspect his hair, pulling at the damp strands with his fingers and marvelling at the vivid colour. “Okay. Dibs on the tropical Soju, I saw it in your fridge and I’ve been dying to try it,”

“Fucking kid, first stealing my cigarette and now my alcohol?” Hoseok teased. “You still sure about the whole party thing? If I tell Jooheon we’re going tomorrow there ain’t no backing out,”

“I’m sure, it’ll be fun,” Changkyun grinned and turned back to face him, orange hair in the process of drying and face still damp, and all of a sudden Hoseok was struck by how different he looked. How much more confident his demeanour was when compared to the first night they’d been together. He didn’t know if it was the fact they were learning to be friends instead of strangers or if the dyed hair and ear piercing had anything to do with it. Hoseok supposed he should feel bad for encouraging his reckless behaviour, but then again, surely he was just saving the kid from himself? Showing him the fun of living and not dying. Giving him a refuge when he had no other place to go.

Hoseok hoped the younger boy was changing for the better and not the worse. He hoped he was giving him a reason to live.

“Whatever you say,” Hoseok laughed softly, tousling his damp hair with one hand and watching his face screw up in mock irritation. “Now, race you to the fridge?”

“You’re on, old guy,” Changkyun grinned mischievously, before dodging past Hoseok’s muscular frame and out of the bathroom.

Hoseok sighed fondly and shook his head as he was left alone in the mess of his bathroom, hearing the unmistakable sound of the fridge door opening on its hinge and the telltale hiss of a can being forced open. He thought of the pretty face of the other boy, the slope of his lips and mess of now-orange hair, and he felt a small smile pull at the corner of his lips.

What on earth had he gotten himself in to?


	4. yellow paint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: i have added depression to the tags since (although never mentioned explicitly) it's what Changkyun is dealing with and i don't want to accidentally trigger anybody !!  
> please enjoy <3

“So you’re actually coming, right?”

The whisky was cold in his hand as he held it up to his lips, the pads of his fingers pressed against the glass as he tilted his neck back and Hoseok relished in the burst of strawberry flavour on his tongue and the burn of the liquor as it slid down his throat. “Right,”

“It’s not a fucking joke? You’re not like, gonna back out an hour before just to piss me off?” His friend’s voice was cautious, not quite accusatory but obviously implying that he didn’t believe he was hearing the truth.

Hoseok frowned at his empty glass, briefly holding it up to the overhead light of the bar to watch the droplets clinging to the side sparkle before placing it back down on the counter his elbow was leant on and turning to face his friend. “No Jooheon, I’m going to the party. Like, actually fucking going. I still don’t believe it myself,”

“Holy shit,” His friend mumbled in awe from where he was sat on one of the bar stools, feet propped on the crisscrossing bar between it’s wooden legs and hand resting on his glass of water sat on the counter. It had only just passed noon but for whatever reason Hoseok hadn’t slept well last night despite downing two more beers then usual and stocking up on cigarettes around the three am mark at the local twenty-four hour corner shop. No matter how much alcohol he consumed or how many cigarettes he smoked to ease his headache his brain refused to grow tired despite his exhaustion and so, when morning came, he had gladly taken the opportunity to talk with his friend in one of the many bars he frequented just to distract him from his racing thoughts. Even as Jooheon began to speak again he could see the bar owner, suited already and serving drinks to a young couple at the other end of the counter, eying him up as he played with the empty glass absentmindedly. If he cared about whether or not it was too early to drink it didn’t seem to matter for he’d served him strawberry whisky without hesitation, although Hoseok had watched him exchange a look with Jooheon in an attempt to seek reassurance that he wasn’t about to get drunk enough to trash his bar with the little alcohol he was being given. Hoseok had thought the little exchange was ridiculous – it was never to early to drink alcohol and it wasn’t like he was anywhere near tipsy – but even with his confidence Jooheon kept sneaking side glances at his now empty glass while he spoke. 

“Who the fuck are you bringing?” His friend’s voice was bordering on incredulous and he was staring at Hoseok with an exaggerated expression of disbelief. “Must be special, you’re going to an actual fucking party with him,”

The older boy shrugged in reply, reaching up to run his hand through his hair before he replied. “His name’s Changkyun. He’s just a friend though,”

“Just a friend my ass,” Jooheon snorted, gesturing with his glass of water towards the older boy. “How did you two meet?”

“I.. it’s a long story,” Hoseok wrinkled his nose as he looked at his empty glass. That was the understatement of the year. For some reason, telling his best friend about how he met Changkyun didn’t really appeal to him. Not only was it a total invasion of the younger boys privacy but it was their secret, however stupid that may be. He didn’t really want anybody to know that he’d found him on the edge of the bridge that night, that he’d talked him down with an offer of vodka and the boy had found refuge in his apartment. It was selfish to keep it to himself but it was their little world and he didn’t even want Jooheon to know about it. “We’ve only seen each other a couple times, and all three of those times we got fucking drunk,”

Jooheon laughed and the sound of his amusement brought out a reluctant grin on Hoseok’s face too. “Sounds like the perfect relationship to me,”

“You gotta promise you won’t be too crazy in front of him, yeah?” Hoseok turned to look at his friend with his eyebrows raised. Jooheon’s brow knitted together in a frown as he took in his serious tone.

“What, why? He’s not..”

“No, no,” Hoseok shook his head quickly, knowing what Jooheon was implying and immediately dismissing it. “It’s just.. he’s younger then us. I don’t think he’s had much experience with parties,”

“Holy shit, how young is young brother?”

The older boy laughed softly at the surprised expression on his face. “Nineteen. First year of college,”

“And he’s never been clubbing before?” His friend scoffed, but when Hoseok replied he felt his words laced with a bitter tone.

“Not every kid is like you and me,”

They both fell silent, and Hoseok knew what Jooheon was thinking of. How they’d both been at nineteen, first year of college and finally free from home, roaming the streets at night instead of attending classes during the day, doing stupid shit just because and laughing when the other got hurt.

No, not every kid was like him and Jooheon.

“What does he look like?” His friend asked curiously, lightening the heavy atmosphere as he took a sip from his water and the older boy shook his head with a small smile. How could he describe Changkyun? 

“Fuck, I dunno… Right now his hair is bright orange,” Hoseok laughed softly as the blurry memories of that night ran through his head. “He’s shorter than me, I think? But only by a little.”

“Sounds like twink material,” Jooheon gave him a knowing wink.

At that Hoseok couldn’t contain his laughter and he looked over at his friend in amusement. “Twink? Changkyun? Not in the same sentence. His voice is deep man, and holy fuck, he never does anything I tell him too. He’s a little shit, that’s what he is,”

“So you admit you like him?” Jooheon teased. “I’ve never heard you so passionate over one person,”

“What? No, not in that way. Things are.. complicated?” Hoseok sighed. “I don’t think he’s like that, and besides, he trusts me like a brother or some shit. We’ve only just become friends, I ain’t about to go fucking shit up just ‘cos I think his voice is nice to listen to,”

“You could always let him fuck you up instead, pun intended,”

Hoseok wrinkled his nose in disdain. “He’s a kid, no way. I gotta protect him from the bad shit, you know?”

“Aww, you’re no fun,” Jooheon teased. “We were kids too, remember? You’re just pissed off ‘cos you ain't had a dick in you for a while,”

Hoseok rolled his eyes at the statement, flicking his empty glass with his thumb and forefinger and ignoring the glares he was incurring from the bar owner. Jooheon’s words were always so vulgar and while what he said might be true he wasn’t about to go agreeing with the shit that spewed out his mouth.

“Speaking of which..” Jooheon shot him a grin and nudged his shoulder. “You know lil druggie boy?”

“Same one as last time?” He raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah,” Jooheon looked to be lost in whatever he was remembering, glazed eyes trained on the ceiling of the bar. “Holy fuck, he looks like a right bottom, even acts like one too, but the minute he shoots up on whatever shit it is he takes he’s the top who tops all tops I swear to God,”

Hoseok let out an exasperated laugh and shook his head in disbelief. Trust Jooheon to redirect the conversation to whatever he was getting up to with his new man. Hoseok didn’t mind though, for the running dialogue his friend provided allowed him to slip into his thoughts relatively easily, mind straying from what he was hearing and instead focussing on his own.

He found himself wondering what Changkyun was doing now. It was a Friday so he’d be at college, right? Or perhaps he had no classes today and was at home, wherever that was, hopefully sleeping away those eyebags or studying for whatever his major was. All of a sudden Hoseok was struck by how little he knew about the other boy. Despite how trusting he’d been both times in the bathroom, despite their late night drunken rambles and sharing of cigarettes over tiled floors, he still didn’t know stupid little things like his favourite colour and he made a mental note to ask when he turned up on his doorstep later that night.

He still couldn’t believe he was agreeing to take him to Haneuls. He never went to parties and he’d had half a mind to cancel the minute he’d told Jooheon over the phone that somebody had convinced him to go and his friend had asked if it was really him talking because, truth be told, he didn’t actually know. A few weeks ago he never could have imagined being in the position he was now, trying to protect some little kid he’d found at the edge of Mapo bridge, and he didn’t foresee just how hard it would be to say no to him. Hoseok always said no.

His thoughts kept straying back to Changkyun no matter how hard he tried and when he finally remembered he was in the bar he took a quick glance at the time and was surprised to see it had elapsed quicker then he’d thought. The hour hand was creeping towards two in the afternoon yet Jooheon was still talking.

“-it’s like, this big! I thought I was going to die,”

“Hmm?” Hoseok let out a small groan and rubbed his face in an attempt to wake himself up and return to the present. “Are we still talking about druggie boy?”

“What?” Jooheon sounded surprised. “No, I’m on about Haneuls owner, ‘cos holy shit, you have to meet him. Literally, his fucking lips? I can still remember them wrapped around my-”

“Okay Jooheon,” Hoseok held up a hand to interrupt him. “That’s more than enough information, thanks,”

Jooheon rolled his eyes. “You’re just pissy ‘cos I told the bartender to dilute your drink. It ain’t my fault I actually care about you,”

“You shouldn’t care,” Hoseok bristled. Whenever his friend began directing the conversation to his drinking he always felt himself seize up, his muscles growing tense at the subject and his brain thinking of how a cigarette would definitely help him relax. Jooheon sighed as he spoke again, glancing over at him with a worried expression.

“Well I do, you’re my brother, and if your bike doesn’t kill you one day then your shitty drinking habits will,”

Hoseok avoided eye contact. “I know my limits, Jooheon. I’m not fucking stupid,”

“You never used to drink this much,” His voice almost sounded pleading and all Hoseok could do was roll his eyes and not look in his direction. 

“I never used to drink at all,” He pointed out, but whether that helped his case or not he didn’t know.

Jooheon leaned in, voice quiet in the large expanse of the bar and almost lost between the other conversations around them. “What happened, brother? Why did you change?”

All of a sudden Hoseok pushed himself off from where he was leant against the counter, stretching his arms behind his back and running a hand through his hair. The force of his movement caused Jooheon to flinch and all the older boy could do was roll his eyes and shake his head in an attempt to dispel the tension.

“I gotta go, yeah?” He didn’t meet Jooheon’s gaze, taking his leather jacket with one hand and pushing his arms through its sleeves. “Time to get ready for the big night out,”

“Hoseok-”

He forced a smile on his face and looked up at his friend. “I’ll see you later, yeah? Is druggie coming?”

There was a pause where Jooheon seemed to contemplate his obvious subject change with a look of knowing pity before he let out a sigh. Hoseok was glad, he was in no mood to discuss his own problems in light of the fact this was meant to be a fun day, he didn’t need Jooheon sticking his nose in places it didn’t belong. “Yeah. Yeah, druggie is coming,”

“Well then cheer up brother, at least you’ll get some tonight,” Hoseok attempted to lighten the mood by shooting him a grin and nudging his shoulder and he got a half-hearted punch in the chest in return.

“Okay brother, I’ll see you later tonight, yeah? Seven ‘o’ clock sharp,” Hoseok nodded to show he’d heard and began making his way to the door. He was almost outside and alone before he heard his friend speak again from behind him.

“Wait, Hoseok!”

He looked back over his shoulder to see Jooheon holding his glass of water to his lips, eyebrows raised and smile tugging at his face.

“Say thank you to that kid for me, he’s finally given you a reason to go outside,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changkyun didn’t like the subway. He hated being confined to such a small space with so many people, he hated the stares, he hated the loud announcements and tonnes of dirt above his head that felt like it would collapse at any point and crush him into dust.

Not that he would mind, but if he was going to die he wanted it to be on his own terms.

And that was why Changkyun was walking to Hoseok’s instead, having been at home halfway across Seoul over an hour ago deciding on what to wear in his empty house with only his messy room to keep him company, feet stuffed into the shoes he had lent him over two weeks ago and t-shirt loose on his small frame. The wallet he’d bought to pay for his train ticket pressed into his leg with every step he took, reminding of how much of a failure he was that he couldn’t even get on a fucking train and instead had to resort to walking through streets littered with businessmen on their way home from work and early drinkers already getting rowdy in passing bars. It had only just gone six and yet there were already loud shouts from buildings flashing neon signs and open doors and Changkyun was more than relieved when his tired feet carried him away from the downtown party area and onto the riverbank roads. As he turned onto the pathway that lined the waters he traded the scent of alcohol for seawater but he couldn’t tell if he preferred the salt or lingering liquor smell scratching at his throat.

There was one more week of November left and the sun had already set, the darkening sky a gradient of different blues and the occasional cloud grey due to the lack of sun. In the cold wind Changkyun supposed he should be shivering – the ripped jeans he wore exposing his legs and the loose t-shirt flapping in the wind – but his hands were steady in his pockets and his feet were warm in their boots. He didn’t ever mind the cold, the little pinpricks across his skin were painful enough to remind him he was alive.

In the quiet of the evening air the buzzing against the hand in his front pocket made him jump and with an exasperated sigh he pulled out his phone – screen cracked, stickers peeling, button occasionally useless – and slid to answer the call, holding it up to his ear.

“ _Kyunie!_ ” Hyungwon’s voice was metallic through the speakers and Changkyun had a hard time hearing him through the breeze pulling at his hair.

“Hey brother,” He raised his voice to speak over the wind. “What’s up?”

“ _You’re on your way to the party, right?_ ”

“Uh, yeah?” Changkyun took a minute to process what he’d said, distracted by the orange of the riverside lampposts as he approached the bridge. “Well, I’m heading to Hoseok’s first and then we’re gonna arrive together,”

“ _Okay brother, just ‘cos your mum texted me to ask if I was with you and I didn’t know what to say,_ ”

“..Oh. Yeah,” Changkyun laughed softly as a sheepish blush crawled up his cheeks. “I might have told her I was staying round yours tonight? Just ‘cos if I’d said about the party she woulda gone off about what’s healthy for me and shit,”

“ _Nah Kyunie, you don’t need to explain, I get it. Just didn’t know what to put in return that’s all,_ ” Changkyun could hear his amused grin just through his tone. “ _What do I say if she calls?_ ”

“Uh..” Changkyun wrinkled his nose as he thought about it, mind running through the possible options as he passed some couple holding hands on a riverside stroll. They gave him weird looks as he passed and he hunched over under their gaze. “That I’m in the shower?”

“ _Sounds good.._ ” There was a brief scuffle and Changkyun assumed his friend was actually writing down what he was saying like it was some kind of master plan. Trust the literature student to have a pen and paper ready to jot stuff down even when on the phone with his best friend.

Changkyun grinned. “Thanks Wonnie, you’re the best,”

“ _No problem,_ ” Hyungwon’s tinny laugh echoed down the phone. “ _Friends help friends when they sneak out for dates,_ ”

Changkyun felt his steps falter and he shook his head even though the other boy couldn’t see him. When he spoke his voice was quieter than before, almost lost in the wind. “I’m not- it’s not a date,”

“ _Sure it isn’t,_ ” Changkyun could see Hyungwon’s face as he rolled his eyes in his mind. “ _Speaking of which, don’t drink too much tonight, yeah? I know it’s exciting but I do worry-_ ”

“Well don’t. I don’t need to be worried about,”

A sigh echoed through his speakers. “ _I just.. he’s older then you Changkyun, what if he takes advantage?_ ”

“Hoseok wouldn’t do that. I know him,”

“ _But what if-_ ”

“He’s not like that,” Changkyun spoke through gritted teeth, focusing on the way the cold air bit at the tips of his fingers instead of what his friend was implying.

There was a pause. “ _Okay Kyunie. Just, please stay safe, yeah? Don’t go off with any strangers, don’t smoke or do drugs or anything like that,_ ”

“I won’t brother, I’m not stupid,” Changkyun laughed, but he felt the twist of guilt in his stomach all the same. He didn’t like lying to his best friend but he didn’t know what else he could do. It was better if Hyungwon didn’t know what he got up to around Hoseok’s, it was better if he didn’t know how badly he craved that feeling of fire in his lungs just at the mention of smoking.

“ _I know you’re not stupid, but you’ve changed a lot lately. The piercing and the hair, I.. I’m just making sure-_ ”

“Wonnie?” Changkyun interrupted him and there came a hum of acknowledgement from down the phone. “I’m fine. I promise. Please don’t worry,”

“ _..Okay. I trust you,_ ” There was a short pause in which neither of them said anything. “ _Have fun with your boyfriend tonight, yeah? Make sure you tell him how hot he is from me,_ ”

“Fuck off,” Changkyun laughed softly. “Tell my mum I miss her for me,”

“ _Will do!_ ”

Changkyun grinned and he knew his friend was doing the same. “I’ll text you tomorrow morning, yeah?”

“ _I’ll be looking forward to it. Bye brother!_ ”

“See you!”

When Changkyun hung up he stopped to stare at his phone for a second, the metal warm in his cold hands and the screen blinking with two new messages from his mum. They looked to be a few minutes from before he’d gotten a call from Hyungwon so he assumed she’d contacted him after not getting a reply – which was fair enough. His mother was overbearing but Changkyun assumed if he had a son that wanted to kill himself he’d never leave his side either.

With a sigh he stuffed his phone back into his pocket, ignoring the guilt that pulled at his stomach at the thought of having just lied to both his mum and best friend, before beginning to walk again as he took in his surroundings. The phone call with Hyungwon had lasted the entire time it took for him to walk the riverbank pathway and he’d somehow ended up on the bridge of Mapo-Gu, the one connecting the party district behind him and the downtown area packed with small high-rise apartments like the one where Hoseok lived. It was all cheap accommodation for the centre of Seoul and one look at Hoseok’s cramped, dirty apartment showed why.

Out of habit Changkyun stopped at the railing and peered over, eyes scanning between the beams to view the calm water underneath. The traffic was loud behind him and the blur of neon lights cut across the surface like knives dragged across the waves, the river darkening as the sun set and the details fading into obscurity.

And Changkyun wondered, what if?

He couldn’t. He wouldn’t, not right now. Not with Hoseok waiting for him, not with Hyungwon talking to his mother, not with everything he could be living for and should be living for and was living for.

But… what if?

Just entertaining the thought made his stomach twist in fear but he relished in it, because even though he wouldn’t there was always the lingering idea that maybe it would be good for him. Maybe hitting the water would make him feel better. He could escape the concept of escape since he always felt like he was hiding. Hiding from the thought that he didn’t have a reason for wanting to die, he just did, and that even though people kept telling him there must be something wrong there was nothing wrong and that was the problem. It wasn't the situation that was broken, it was just him.

It would hurt if he fell, that much was certain, but the fear was what made him want to do it. 

With a sigh Changkyun pushed himself away from the barrier and shook his head, stuffing his hands back in his pockets and beginning to walk across the bridge. The loud hum of cars on his left side was not enough to drown out the sounds of his thoughts however, so despite the constant tire tracks grinding on the concrete and the occasional beat of somebody else’s music there was one lingering thought in the back of his mind, ever present, sometimes dormant but never really gone.

What if?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The three timid knocks on Hoseok's door were familiar to him now. They were an automatic trigger for movement and even before the third knock had sounded Hoseok was on his feet, cigarette stubbed out on the coffee table and hand running through his hair, nervous for the first time in a while. He knew who was behind the door and for some reason that made his stomach drop, something close to nausea climbing up his throat as his hand rested on the handle and pulled it open on its hinges. Some small part of his brain registered the fact that he should probably learn to lock the entrance to his apartment but all logical thoughts were instantly discarded the minute he saw the boy that was stood on his doorstep.

He was dressed in ripped black jeans, a loose band t-shirt hanging on his small frame and tucked into the denim, secured by a belt threaded through the tightest hook. His boots were the ones Hoseok had lent him when he’d had none for school that one time – black leather with laces undone and hanging from the sides – and his orange hair was windswept and pushed into a messy side parting, most of it falling over his forehead and leaving his piercing on full display. The bags under his eyes were prominent and his lips looked chapped from the cold but it was still a considerably different appearance to what he’d grown accustomed to seeing the younger boy presented as.

The biggest shock to Hoseok, however, was not the lack of college hoodie or wearing of shoes, it was the fact that he hadn’t left his pale legs bare under his jeans. Instead, crisscrossing the smooth skin in an enticing pattern just beneath the denim, were the tell-tale black threads of fishnets.

Changkyun was wearing fishnets under his jeans.

That fact alone was enough to make Hoseok stop dead in his tracks, one hand still on the door handle and the other hanging limply by his side. He knew the younger boy was staring at him but he couldn’t keep his eyes off his legs, completely struck by the fact he would even attempt something like that and look as good as he did.

When Changkyun carried out his typical routine and ducked his head to walk past the older boy straight into the flat Hoseok took a few seconds to compose himself as he stared at the empty apartment building corridor before he turned around and closed the door, and even then he found it hard to do anything other then take short glances at his legs and proceed to look anywhere but his face.

“Are you just going to stare?” Changkyun’s voice brought him back to the present and he moved his eyes up to look at him directly. He gave a dismissive wave of his hand and tried to play it off but even when he spoke it sounded tense and he cringed at his stuttering words.

“What kid? No, I was just-”

“Staring. Do you like them?” The younger boy spoke over him, eyebrows raised somewhat hopefully as he waited for an answer.

Hoseok swallowed. “Like.. like what?”

“The fishnets. Do they look okay?” His eyes were wide and innocent and Hoseok wanted to be anywhere but where he was right now, looking at that face and being unable to do anything about it.

He cleared his throat and nodded slightly. “Yeah.. yeah kid, they look great,”

Changkyun broke out into a smile

“Good. I didn’t know if they looked weird or not. I was trying to look.. I dunno, more badass? I figured turning up to a party by your side looking like a depressed college student might ruin your rep or something,” He laughed softly and looked down at his hands and something about the way he spoke made him sound ever so slightly embarrassed. How cute.

All Hoseok could do in reply was shake his head slightly, glancing at the lacing black fabric between the dark denim of his jeans and deciding that the definitely did not look weird in the slightest. In fact, the fishnets did the job of making him look more badass well, and if Hoseok didn’t know him as the boy he’d saved from the bridge who’d turned up at his apartment on more then one occasion looking like he was terrified of himself he might have been a bit intimidated and maybe even a little attracted to him.

As it was, when Hoseok started to take in the other boy’s demeanour above just what he was wearing, he began to feel slightly worried. Without long sleeves to fiddle with he was picking at his fingernails and the older boy didn’t know if it was the cold winter air from outside making his hands shake or if there was another reason. His eyes stayed trained on his hands, and even as Hoseok spoke in a slightly concerned voice they didn’t look up from where they were transfixed.

“Wait, kid, are you okay?” He felt his face draw into a frown. “You seem a little shaky,”

“I’m fine,” Changkyun tore his eyes away from the dirty floor and gave him a smile, but as he spoke his voice sounded breathless and unnerved and Hoseok wondered how he hadn’t noticed it before.

“I just.. I thought you’d be okay because we have this thing to look forward to, but if you’re not then we can always cancel-”

“I said I’m fine,” His voice was firm and stained with irritation. There was this pause as Hoseok stared at the younger boy with a concerned frown and watched as he stared back, jaw set in his stubbornness, before he glanced at his fiddling hands and let out a small breath.

“I had to walk over the bridge to get here,” He said quietly.

It took a second for the older boy to realise just what he meant by that, and when he understood what he was implying he felt guilty for even asking. “Oh,”

There was a few seconds of awkward silence, Hoseok staring at Changkyun and Changkyun staring at the floor, before he watched the younger boy take a deep breath and force a smile. He gestured to the door as he spoke, voice attempting normalcy and almost convincing Hoseok that there had been nothing wrong at all.

“Are we going? To the party, I mean. It starts pretty soon,”

At that Hoseok let out a laugh and was pleased to see the younger boy’s shoulders relax upon doing so. “Since when do you think I, Shin Hoseok, biker and occasional suicide preventionist, turns up on time for anything?”

Changkyun laughed and Hoseok watched as he glanced around the room before making his way over to the small breakfast bar, using his arms to push himself up to sit on the counter until his legs dangled over the edge. “I guess never?”

“You gotta learn to be fashionably late for these things Changkyun, otherwise you’ll never be as fucking badass as me,” Hoseok winked as he finally made a move away from the door he’d been stood by to lean against the back of the couch opposite Changkyun. The younger boy rolled his eyes at the comment, swinging his legs from the counter and staring at the way his boots moved as they did.

“Excuse me old guy, I think I’ve done a pretty good job today,” He laughed and picked at the fishnets through one of the rips in his jeans.

Hoseok scoffed. “A pretty good job? Kid, you ain’t even wearing eyeliner,”

Changkyun’s head jerked up and he looked at him with wide eyes. “You’re wearing eyeliner?”

Hoseok laughed softly and nodded. “Yeah, _and_ concealer. D’you like it?”

“Mhmm,” Changkyun nodded slightly, seemingly transfixed all of a sudden by the dark kohl outlining his eyes. Hoseok didn’t know how he hadn’t noticed earlier – the makeup he wore wasn’t subtle and the line was rather thick – but he supposed his flighty nature and shaky hands had contributed to his obliviousness. There was this moment of silence where the younger boy seemed to stare directly at him before his face broke out into a small smile. “You look good with eyeliner on,”

“Do I?” Hoseok grinned, strangely elated by the compliment. The younger boy nodded, still smiling, and looked back down at his feet as they swung under the kitchen counter.

Hoseok watched him with the grin still plastered on his face. He took in the black jeans, clunky boots and band t-shirt coupled with the orange hair and piercing and once again he was struck by how different he looked compared to the first night he’d arrived, except this time he wasn’t confused by the change, he was excited by it. The younger boy seemed so much more alive now they’d gotten more comfortable with each other and Hoseok couldn’t help the small feeling of pride that pooled in his chest at the thought that he was making the boy come into his own. He was helping somebody and that thought alone was enough to make him happy enough for the rest of his miserable fucking life.

All of a sudden Hoseok gasped as he felt an idea form in his mind, even better then the one about piercing his ear that drunken night all those weeks ago. Changkyun looked up with his brow furrowed in confusion and narrowed his eyes at the grin on the older boys face.

“We should put some on you before we go!” He felt his face light up with the suggestion.

Changkyun laughed and shook his head in dismissal. “How much have you drunk today, Hoseok?”

“Not fucking enough, that’s for sure,” Hoseok muttered as he thought of the strawberry whisky he’d finished with Jooheon and the lone beer he’d downed when he’d gotten home after. The alcohol was present in his veins but not enough to make much of a difference and the idea was entirely formed on sobriety. “C’mon, just a little bit of eyeliner? You’ll look a hundred times more badass, I promise,”

Changkyun grimaced slightly and shook his head. “I don’t know-”

“Please?” He pleaded, and there was this long pause where Hoseok thought he was going to say no. “I’ll let you have a cigarette after?”

The younger head face snapped up almost immediately at the suggestion and Hoseok felt the familiar feeling of smugness knowing he’d won. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah kid,” He grinned. “You were gonna ask anyway, might as well get something out of it myself,”

Changkyun gaped at him. “You promise?

“I promise kid,” Hoseok laughed softly at the look of disbelief on his face. Trust the kid to be so enamoured by the thought of a cigarette he’d willingly put on eyeliner, and while the older boy figured his excitement should be slightly concerning he seemed to find it endearing instead.

“Okay. Yeah, okay, I’ll put on eyeliner,” Changkyun nodded slowly and Hoseok couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face.

“Yes! Stay there, hold on,”

“Wait, Hoseok-”

But he was already gone, legs clad in his own ripped jeans carrying him through his small hallway and into the cramped bathroom. With one hand he flipped the switch of the white light and with the other he opened the door to the small cupboard above the sink inlaid with a mirror. His eyes scanned the messy shelves, ignoring the numerous packets of paracetamol lying haphazardly next to his shaver and box of plastic gloves for whenever he bleached his hair, choosing instead to pick up the black stick of eyeliner from where he’d left it earlier as well as a cheap palette of eyeshadow. With a quick push of the lid the colours were revealed to be neutral browns and glittery oranges. It was perfect.

As he made his way back into the main room of his apartment he noticed Changkyun was still sat on the edge of the breakfast bar, legs clad in denim and exposed fishnets dangling over the counter and eyes following the older boys movements with a nervous glint present in their gaze.

“Sit still, okay? This might feel a bit weird,” Hoseok placed the eyeliner and palette on the counter next to where the younger boy was sat and stood directly in front of him. He looked at him with wide eyes but nodded all the same, and in the bright kitchen lights from above his face was illuminated by contrasting shadows against his pale skin. “But it’ll look so fucking cool when it’s done, yeah?”

Changkyun nodded for a second time and watched with apprehension as Hoseok took hold of the small palette, smudging some of the brown onto his index finger and then looking up at the younger boy.

“Wait, you didn’t say anything about eyeshadow-” Changkyun held up a hand to stop him but the older boy chose to speak over his protests.

“Shut up kid, let me work my magic,” Hoseok quieted his objection by using his own hand to steady his face and bring his finger up to his eyelid. Changkyun’s eyes closed out of reflex and so the older boy began dragging his finger across the pale skin, rubbing the colour onto his lid as gently as he could. The older boy pulled away for a second to scrape more of the power onto his fingertip before tilting his head slightly and applying it to the other eye. He tried not to think of how close they were, how trusting the younger boy was, and if he’d been paying more attention he could have sworn Changkyun was holding his breath.

Hoseok hoped he didn’t notice the way his finger lingered just a second too long before it pulled away.

“There, eyeshadow done,” Hoseok mumbled, placing the palette back on the counter and picking up the eyeliner. Changkyun didn’t say anything, just watched as he busied himself with the lid of the stick, and he closed his eyes without the older boy having to ask when he moved the eyeliner towards his eyes.

If Hoseok had been gentle with the eyeshadow then he had no name for how delicate he was being now. He was so used to being blunt with everything he did – from his swearing to his drinking to the fast speed he rode his motorbike – that all of a sudden just dragging the tip of the liner across the space above Changkyun’s eyelashes made his stomach heavy with nerves. After he’d ringed his left eye in the black kohl he moved onto the right, using the pads of his fingers to steady the younger boys head in case he moved. 

He cleared his throat to talk but the sound made Changkyun's eyes open and all of a sudden Hoseok forgot how to speak.

“Yes?” Changkyun raised his eyebrows but didn’t lean away.

He felt his mouth open and close a few times before he stuttered a reply and he felt so fucking stupid. There was never a point where he, Shin Hoseok, the boy people stared at in clubs because of how bad he looked, the boy people pointed out next to his motorbike and conversed in whispers about all the things he’d done, was speechless, but for whatever reason just being this close to the other boy was enough to make the words catch in his throat. “Can you.. uhm, look up? Please?” 

Changkyun did as he was told, moving his eyes up to stare at the ceiling so Hoseok could smudge his lower lash-line with the black substance, biting his lip until it was painful in concentration so as not to harm him. He finished both eyes relatively quickly but didn’t pull back for whatever reason. He held his breath as his eyes took in the shape of his eyes, the slope of his nose and gentle curve of his lips. Dear god, what he’d do with those lips if he had the chance.

Changkyun seemed to sense his lack of movement, flicking his eyes down to meet his and causing Hoseok to clear his throat and step away rather quickly, face growing hot at the thought of where his mind had gone.

“Is it done? ”The younger boy was still sat on the breakfast bar and his face was open as he looked at him. Hoseok immediately felt guilty for thinking the things he had and instead forced a smile on to his face as he admired his handiwork.

“Yeah, all done. You look fucking badass,” He grinned as he took in the dusting of brown on his eyelids and the ring of black on top. He’d smudged the top line slightly with his finger and the result was this smoky effect, drawing the attention away from the dark circles under his eyes and instead making them dramatic, almost as if his gaze was no longer flighty and nervous but smouldering and intense.

Hoseok couldn’t help but think of how attractive he looked. How much more in _control_.

“Can I see?” He asked nervously. The tone of his voice brought back memories of both of them sitting in their bathroom in the early hours of the morning, the younger boy with blood dripping from his ear and the light above them glinting off the metal that had only just been forced through and it was also reminiscent of only a few days prior where he’d gestured to show him his new orange hair and they’d stared at each other for a little too long.

Hoseok laughed as he moved around the breakfast bar to reach the sink and clean off the excess makeup from his hand. “Yeah kid, you know where the bathroom is,”

He was almost disappointed when the younger boy hopped off the counter and left for the bathroom on his own without asking for company, but really, what was Hoseok to expect?

He needed a drink. Looking at those lips for so long had fucked him over big time and he needed some kind of liquor just to keep him going, but with a sigh and a glance at the cans lining the kitchen counter he decided against it. They’d be out in no time, right? He could wait. Only people with a problem couldn't wait.

There came a gasp from the hallway and Hoseok let out a soft laugh, shaking his head at his reaction.

“D’you like it?” He called through the apartment with a fond grin tugging at his face.

“Like it?” Changkyun appeared from around the hallway. His eyes were wide and mouth parted in what looked like a mix between disbelief and excitement. “I love it! I look.. so badass,”

“You look like an emo piece of shit,” Hoseok teased. “But I guess badass could be used as well,”

“Fuck off,” Changkyun laughed as he made his way back to the kitchen counter, once again pulling himself up to sit on the side so his legs dangled over the edge. “Does it look good?”

“Yeah it does, I’m a fucking genius,” The older boy made his way back around the counter and incurred a light kick on the arm at his comment, at which point he yelled and grabbed his bicep.

“You.. you have wounded me!” He gasped.

At his playfulness Changkyun let out a giggle – not a laugh, but a high-pitched, breathy giggle – and once again Hoseok felt his face heat up because the sound was just _right_ in a way that it really shouldn’t be.

He needed to stop, right then and there, before his thoughts got out of control and he actually acted on them. 

“Shut up. Can I have a cigarette now?” The younger boy looked at him expectantly and he rolled his eyes in response.

“The things you make me do..” He muttered, reaching into his pocket and pulling out both his pink plastic lighter and the little box of cigarettes. One flick of the cardboard lid revealed most of the contents to still be intact and he assumed it was because he’d bought a pack the night before due to his lack of sleep. With practiced hands he took one of the sticks, thumb and index finger curled around the comforting smoothness of the filter paper, before holding it out to the younger boy across from where he was leant against the back of the couch.

Changkyun took the cigarette with a frown, bringing it up to his face to stare at it. “What am I meant to do with this? It’s not lit,”

Hoseok shrugged as he flicked out another one of the sticks and fed it between his lips, lighting the flame over the end and taking a drag. The familiar heat blossomed in his chest and he relished in the feeling of fire in his lungs. “I dunno, that’s your problem. I said I’d give you a cigarette but I never said I’d light it,”

The look on Changkyun’s face was one of pure betrayal and Hoseok couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped his lips around the filter paper wedged between them.

“But.. I wanted-”

“Sorry kid, this shit is for adults only,” Hoseok grinned as he spoke over him.

The smile was wiped straight from his face, however, when Changkyun leant forward on the counter and snatched the lighter straight from his hand.

“You little shit!” 

“Sorry old guy, but you just got finessed by a little kid,” The younger boy shot him a mischievous grin and Hoseok was tempted to ask how much _he’d_ had to drink before arriving in his apartment.

“Fucking hell Changkyun, you’d be a good thief, you know that right?” Hoseok shook his head fondly and the younger boy let out a soft laugh. He motioned to the lighter in his hand with a small smile tugging at his face. “Go on then, light it. I dare you,”

Changkyun didn't even attempt to dismiss the dare, instead choosing to feed the stick between his teeth and clamp it there, supposedly copying what Hoseok had done earlier as he held the lighter in front of his face with a look of pure determination. It took a couple of flicks to get the flame going but when it was finally lit he furrowed his brow and held it against the end of the cigarette. The butt grew hot, the little fibres curling into hot coals as the flame passed over them, and Changkyun attempted to inhale after lighting the end.

All of a sudden the younger boy began to cough, violent splutters wracking his body as he dropped the lighter onto the counter beside him and held the unlit cigarette as far away from his mouth as he could and Hoseok couldn’t help exploding into laughter at the whole ordeal.

Changkyun wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his face wearing an expression of disgust, and he looked up at Hoseok with a frown. “What?”

“You dumbass,” The older boy chuckled, sticking his own cigarette between his teeth and pushing off where he was lent on the back of the couch. When he spoke his words were slightly muffled by the filter paper. “You gotta breathe in before you light it, not after, otherwise you just suck in all the coals and it tastes like shit,”

“Oh,” Changkyun’s brown knitted together as Hoseok pulled himself up to sit on the counter beside him, shoulders touching and hands inches apart, and he looked at the stick in confusion. The older boy reached across and pulled it from his hand, flipping it over in his nimble fingers and holding it up to the other boy’s lips. Changkyun seemed to take the hint and closed his teeth around the filter and Hoseok had to tear his eyes away from them to find where he had dropped the lighter earlier.

“When I tell you to breathe in, you breathe in, okay?” He said softly and the other boy nodded as he flicked the flint wheel and the flame burst into action. There was a moment of silence as he lifted it to the cigarette Changkyun held between his lips, before the older boy let out a small whisper.

“Now,”

Changkyun did as he was told, the breath he took making his chest expand with the air, and Hoseok passed the lighter over the butt of the stick. The coals lit up in the heat and the older boy watched as he dragged in the smoke with his intake of air before inhaling it into his lungs and reaching up to pull the cigarette away.

“Holy shit,” Changkyun leant his head back as the smoke curled in little wisps from his nose and parted mouth. “I missed that,”

“I should not be encouraging this,” Hoseok laughed softly around the cigarette between his own lips as he stuffed the lighter back into his front pocket where it belonged, snug between the almost full cardboard packet and lone strawberry lollipop.

Somehow the look on Changkyun’s face as he felt the fire in his lungs was enough to dampen the guilt that twisted his stomach just at the thought of influencing the younger boy any more than he already had.

They sat like that for a couple of minutes, both of them taking occasional drags from their cigarettes and swinging their feet over the edge of the kitchen counter, and while one glance at the clock hung just by the door showed the time of the party starting Hoseok couldn’t be bothered to move just yet. He liked the tranquillity of just being with the other boy, and besides, he wanted to make an entrance. It was his big return to the party-scene after all, what was the point of turning up on time?

As he watched the grey smoke curl from his mouth Hoseok suddenly remembered what he’d been meaning to ask the younger boy earlier in the bar with Jooheon and so, after tapping the ash onto the floor below him and watching the particles settle on the carpet below his feet, he turned to look at him with his eyebrows raised in curiosity.

“What’s your favourite colour?”

Changkyun looked up with wide eyes when he spoke, taken by surprise at the sudden dialogue, and then shrugged a little in response. The way his eyes refocused on Hoseok’s made it seem as if he’d been lost in thought and the older boy was a little sorry for interrupting him.

“I dunno. Do depressed kids have favourite colours?” He tried to joke with a soft laugh but even Hoseok could tell his words were bitter in tone.

“Fuck off, everybody has a favourite colour. Even dogs have favourite colours,” Hoseok waved his hand in some kind of exaggerated gesture, wafting the smell of tobacco through the air of his apartment, and the movement elicited a small laugh from Changkyun.

“Do they really? I thought dogs were colourblind,” He raised a questioning eyebrow at the grin on the older boy’s face.

“Yeah, their favourite colour is grey,” The older boy rolled his eyes as if it was obvious and Changkyun let out a genuine laugh at the joke.

“Then I guess.. yellow? I dunno,” He shrugged and tapped ash onto the floor as he spoke.

That was not what Hoseok had been expecting. Yellow was so.. bright. So happy. For some reason the idea of the boy dressed all in black with his eyes ringed in Kohl and a cigarette in one hand favouring the colour yellow was strange to Hoseok and so he took the opportunity to probe further into the reason behind it.

“Why yellow?” He asked with a frown, taking a drag from his cigarette.

The younger boy looked up at him with a start and he supposed he’d been lost in thought once again. “Hmm?”

“Why’s your favourite colour yellow?”

Changkyun shrugged. He was far too interested in staring at the cigarette between his fingers then paying attention to whatever the older boy was saying.

“Van Gogh ate yellow paint, did you know that?” Hoseok’s voice was matter of fact as he took another drag, feeling the heat relax his muscles and ease the headache creeping into his temples due to his lack of alcohol consumption that day. “It’s because he was so sad, he just wanted the happiness inside him,”

The second that sentence left his lips he physically felt the younger boy tense up. His shoulder grew taught next to his and Hoseok watched with a surprised stare as his jaw clenched in an uncharacteristically irritated expression.

“Don’t say that,” He spoke through slightly gritted teeth and Hoseok was taken aback by the look on his face as he stared at the floor and refused to meet his eye.

“What?”

“Don’t… don’t say that. That’s not why he ate the paint. I hate when people say that, they just don’t get it,” His voice was quiet but clearly bitter. “Van Gogh didn’t want the happiness inside him, he wanted to fucking die,”

All Hoseok could do was stare at him, lips slightly parted and mind blank. He hadn’t realised saying what he had would upset the younger boy as much as it had and he felt guilt crawl up his throat just at the thought of it.

“You have to be fucking crazy to want to die, okay? You don’t have to have some metaphorical paint idea to romanticise it,” Changkyun kept talking and he seemed to get more agitated as the words kept spilling from his mouth, the hand gripping the edge of the counter tensing up and the other waving the cigarette around as he gestured with it. “Wanting to die is fucking painful. I hate when people make death seem pretty and romantic and idolised, it’s not, it’s this big fucking mess of self-hatred and worthlessness and all this other shit on top of it. Van Gogh didn’t want to be happy, he wanted to be dead,”

There was a pause as he fell quiet all of a sudden. Changkyun was worked up, finding it hard to breathe after his outpour of words, and Hoseok was struck by how open he was being with him. There was no alcohol in his veins, only the fire of nicotine singing his brain, and yet he was speaking more openly about his feelings then Hoseok had ever dreamed of. He felt like he was finally getting a glimpse into what went on behind his daring demeanour and self-destructive tendencies and he didn’t like it one bit.

“Yeah. Yeah, I guess you’re right kid,” He nodded in agreement, his own cigarette suddenly looking unappealing as the full scale of Changkyun’s thoughts hit him like a tonne of bricks. How the fuck was he meant to save somebody that broken?

“I am right,” The younger boy said pointedly but to Hoseok’s relief his voice seemed calmer than his earlier outburst. “Van Gogh had depression and people with depression are self-destructive whether they mean to be or not. It’s like.. this endless cycle of wanting to die but not being able to so you find other ways of dying because you just don’t care, like swallowing yellow paint or whatever the fuck that old guy did. It’s a way to kill yourself without hurting those around you,”

They sat in silence for a few seconds, Hoseok looking at Changkyun with wide eyes and Changkyun watching his feet swing beneath the counter they were both sat on.

If the kid was opening up to him, shouldn’t he be doing the same? He glanced at his cigarette and let out a little sigh, ignoring the nervousness pulling at his stomach as he thought of what he was about to say, and spoke with unsure words. “Like.. like drinking, right? People who drink a lot, it’s a way to die without actually dying,”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Changkyun stubbed out his cigarette on the breakfast bar, rubbing the grey smudge of ash into the countertop before pushing himself off the ledge and stretching out his fishnet-clad legs. “Are we ready to go?”

Hoseok couldn’t hide his relief at how he’d dismissed the topic of his drinking. Sure, he’d been the one to bring it up, but he didn’t really like the idea of the conversation turning to his problems instead. Not that he had a problem, that is. He’d never admit to having a problem.

“Yeah, let me just grab my jacket,” Hoseok stubbed out his own cigarette on the counter, making a mental note to clean it up later, before taking his jacket from where it had been strewn over the couch after his outing that morning and heading over to the door to pick up his keys.

“Ooh, leather,” Changkyun teased and Hoseok let out a small laugh. The tense atmosphere of the previous conversation had dissipated relatively quickly and they were back to light jokes and soft laughs in response.

“Fuck off. Got everything?”

“Besides from a stable mental state? Sure old guy,”

Hoseok hit him lightly on the arm as he approached the door and his eyes crinkled when he laughed. The older boy felt his stomach drop as he watched, the not-quite-nervous feeling growing familiar to him whenever he looked at the younger, and he shook it off with a sigh and quick shake of his head.

“C’mon then, fishnet boy. Lets go get fucked up,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only thing Changkyun was aware of was how close he was to the other boy.

He supposed his focus should be elsewhere – on the speeding neon lights as they flew by his side or the muffled shouts from drunken passersby – but for whatever reason his hands clasped tighter around Hoseok’s torso as he sped through the city streets was the only thing his mind could focus on. It was so real.

The air was cold as it whipped at their faces and pulled at their hair, the icy wind winding it’s way up his sleeves and through the open rips in his jeans but Changkyun didn’t mind. He buried his face in the older boys shoulder to stop his eyes from watering and smudging the makeup he’d applied only a few minutes ago and instead watched the blur of concrete under the tires of the bike fly by in a gradient of greys and blacks. It was mesmerising watching the rocks grind under the rubber of the wheels and it was no time at all until they were drifting to a stop against the pavement, Hoseok carrying out his practiced manoeuvre of flipping out the kickstand after leaning on one leg and allowing the younger boy to pull his hands away from where they were wrapped around his body and stretch them above his head. Changkyun didn’t know if he was relieved at the separation or disappointed the ride hadn’t lasted longer.

All thoughts of Hoseok were pulled from his mind, however, when he swung a leg around and hopped off the motorbike to be greeted by the glaring entrance to a club.

Changkyun knew he was in an obscure area of the party district just by looking at the desolate skyscrapers surrounding the road they were currently stood at but that wasn’t what caught his attention. No, the elaborate neon sign above the black double door entrance was flashing a multitude of different colours, the word ‘Haneul’ lit up in gradients ranging from turquoise to pink to deep purple as the flickering light shifted between hues. The unmistakable pound of base could be heard even from outside the bar, and as Changkyun watched with wide eyes the doors opened slightly and out stumbled two boys – one of them leaning on the other with an arm around his torso – and they proceeded to try and make their way down the street with little success. In the cold night air the smell of alcohol was stifling, mixed with what seemed like a cross between tobacco and green-tea, making the back of his throat burn in what could have been anticipation but presented itself as fear. The road was lined with cars and to Changkyun’s surprise he realised most of them were modern makes as if the people inside the club actually had enough money to spend on relevant cars. The thought alone was enough to terrify him.

There were also a few motorbikes surrounding Hoseok’s own but none of them were pink and littered across the pavement were small huddles of people either smoking or shouting loud enough to make Changkyun cringe whenever they spoke.

“Shit man, people are already fucking smashed,” Hoseok grumbled as he slid off his bike and ran a hand through his hair in that endearing habit of his. 

Changkyun tore his eyes away from the blaring entrance of the club to stare at the older boy behind him and for what seemed like the millionth time that evening he had to hold his breath at the sight. The leather of his jacket covered his arms but they’d been completely bare when he’d turned up at his apartment due to the sheer baggy vest he wore over his torso, tucked into his ripped jeans and finished off with multiple necklaces and his clunky biker boots. The paleness of his exposed arms had been startling to say the least but to the younger boys disappointment he hadn’t been able to read what the tattoo on his right bicep had said thanks to a black sliver of cloth tied around his arm. 

Now, however, he was too startled by his intense gaze, framed by the neon lights of the club and enhanced by the smoky line of black eyeliner, as it followed his every move. Hoseok looked so daunting, the true epitome of a badass biker with his leather jacket and messy bleached hair, but for whatever reason Changkyun could only wonder what it would take to make him break.

Hoseok seemed to survey the club for a minute, leant against his bike in the true picture of nonchalance, before emitting a small sigh and pushing himself up on to the pavement where Changkyun was standing. His voice was muffled by the pounding of the base behind them as he spoke. “You ready kid?”

The younger boy nodded, pushing his orange hair out from his eyes and taking a nervous glance at the club before them. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t scared. Despite the fact he was the one who’d convinced Hoseok to go he couldn’t deny that the fear pooling in his stomach was somewhat overwhelming, a nauseating mixture of anxiety and excitement crawling up his throat even before he spoke. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m ready,”

Hoseok shot him a grin and began making his way towards the entrance lit by the neon lights but for whatever reason Changkyun couldn’t find it in himself to move. There was a nagging thought present in his mind, something that had been eating away at him ever since the first night on the bridge, and while he knew now was probably not the best time to bring it up he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“Wait,” He called out and Hoseok turned to look at him. “Why pink?”

The older boy frowned, obviously perplexed. “Pink for what?”

“For your motorbike,” Changkyun gestured behind him to where it was propped against the pavement on the kickstand, leather seat reflecting the flickering lights of the club. “Why did you choose pink?”

Hoseok grinned proudly and closed the gap between him and the younger boy in just a few steps. Their closeness was frightening but Changkyun still managed to relish in it. “What’s more terrifying, a biker with a black bike or a biker with a pink bike?”

“I don’t-”

“Trick question, it’s the pink bike,” Hoseok leant closer and Changkyun swallowed before speaking again, quieter this time, slightly more nervous.

“Why?”

“’Cos bikers with pink bikes don’t fucking care,” He grinned and pulled away, moving to stand beside the younger boy instead. He couldn’t help but feel as if he was trying to catch his breath after having been so close to Hoseok without the convenience of a cramped room or the excuse of putting on makeup. “Stereotypes? Never heard of them. I’m gonna ride my pink bike and look fucking badass while doing it ‘cos I couldn’t give a shit, and when you don’t give a shit you’re the most dangerous of all,”

“I don’t think you're dangerous,” Changkyun said pointedly as he looked to his side with innocent eyes.

“You ain’t seen the half of me yet, kid,” Hoseok laughed softly and slung a leather clad arm around his shoulder. The contact was surprising but he spoke so soon after that Changkyun didn’t have any time to react, simply freezing in place at the pressure of his arm against his neck. “Ready for this?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” He nodded, glancing back to the club in front of him. The base was loud and the shouts even louder, the fear in his stomach a combination of the nervousness of the club before him and the proximity of the other boy with an arm draped across his shoulder. “Let’s go get fucked up,”

Hoseok laughed loudly and a few people around them turned to stare but he didn’t seem to mind. “That’s the spirit kid,” He grinned. “Yeah, let's go get fucked up,”

As they moved towards the black double doors the music grew louder, the atmosphere heavier, but Changkyun couldn’t think about the overwhelming fear as it burned his throat and made it hard to swallow or the craving in his lungs for the fire of a cigarette to light them up again.

No, the only thing on his mind was the fact the boy with an arm slung around his shoulder smelt like tobacco and booze and a little bit of strawberry.

He wondered if he'd taste like strawberry too.


	5. we breathe fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> changkyuns outfit: [x](http://i.imgur.com/605rajj.jpg)  
> whipped up a lil 5 min doodle while procrastinating writing this chapter as a thank u for all the lovely comments! i rly do appreciate them <3

The first thing Changkyun noticed was the noise.

If he’d thought the base had been loud stood outside the club then he was not prepared for the deafening pulse of music that echoed through his mind the minute he stepped through the doors. It was recycled synthetic pop overlaid with occasional beat drops and the erratic hum of lyrics stabbed at his ears as he scanned his eyes around the club’s interior. The entire room was dark, low-ceilinged and pulsing with intense strobe lights ranging from deep purples to pinks to blues, all somewhat neutral hues that added an almost sultry atmosphere to an otherwise chaotic scene.

From where Changkyun was stood he could see a bar further along the wall on the right side, people sat on stools or milling about the counter, empty glasses on the table constantly being traded for full and the bartenders busying themselves with flirtatious glances and the promise of more drinks. Changkyun could taste the liquor just by seeing the elaborate cocktails and shots contained in the little iridescent glasses, the strong alcoholic smell perforating the grinding sweaty bodies seen to his left and burning his throat just from the distance. One look to the side of him showed where he guessed the dance floor was, but the mass of people dancing and raving and shouting in what little clothing they wore took up most of the space already. Right towards the far end of the room there was a small platform and what looked like an elaborate sound system set up, speakers so big they touched the low ceiling and pounding with each beat of music they produced. 

Directly across from the entrance there seemed to be an exit to what looked like an alleyway, but Changkyun could only glance at the brick wall outside before the door closed as somebody entered the club stumbling slightly and holding an empty glass upside down.

The people at the bar were dressed for maximum sex appeal, chokers common and eye makeup dramatic, tight jeans and short dresses and all of a sudden Changkyun felt inferior just looking at how they leant over the counter and traded silky green bills for another drink or two, skirt riding up over tanned thighs or boys winking at the men serving the liquor.

It was fucking insane.

The second they crossed the threshold Hoseok’s arm disappeared from around Changkyun’s shoulder and while in any other situation he might have felt a little disappointed at the lack of contact there appeared to be somebody weaving through the crowds of people in an attempt to move towards them and he was more interested in knowing who it was.

They were wearing black jeans and a green chequered shirt but, for whatever reason, despite the plain attire and apparent lack of accessories his entire being oozed money. The shiny watch on his left arm and the gold belt around his hips screamed rich, not to mention the hair whiter then Hoseok’s and sharp eyes contributed to his overall unapproachable appearance. 

Changkyun almost felt like hiding behind Hoseok as he moved towards them, but then all of a sudden his face broke out into a smile and he felt the tugging of anxiety disappear from his stomach just at the sight of it. His smile was blinding, eyes crinkled and cheeks puffed up, and if Changkyun looked closely he could see two very deep dimples on either side of his face.

How cute.

“Hoseok!” The boy shouted over the loud music, hazy yellow lights from the bar casting a strange glow over his skin in the dimly lit club.

At the sound of his name Hoseok broke into a smile and Changkyun watched with curious eyes as he embraced the other boy. Their hug was strangely sincere, and when they both pulled away from each other Changkyun was left with the overwhelming feeling that they genuinely cared about each one another, all lifestyle differences aside. “Sup dumbass, long time no see,”

“Shut the fuck up,” Jooheon laughed and hit him round the shoulder. “I’ve seen your face so much today I’m fucking sick of it already,”

“Fuck off Jooheon,” Hoseok went to tap his head but Jooheon dodged and laughed.

Oh, so this was Jooheon. Changkyun had expected him to be.. bigger, perhaps, slightly scarier, rougher around the edges. He was taller but nowhere near as muscly as Hoseok and his clothes were definitely expensive, leaving Changkyun to wonder how on earth such different people could be such close friends.

“Well, who do we have here?” Jooheon’s face pulled into a knowing grin as shifted his eyes to look at Changkyun. His voice was strangely Americanised, his a’s too drawling and r’s too harsh, but the sound was friendly above the loud beat of the club music.

“Jooheon, this is Changkyun. Changkyun, this is my dumbass of a best friend,”

Jooheon laughed and hit Hoseok around the arm again, before turning to look the younger boy up and down. Changkyun nodded slightly in greeting, eyes wide, all of a sudden uncomfortable at being under scrutiny but at the same time wanting to prove that he was better then some stupid college kid. He was at an actual club with actual adults, he couldn’t afford to screw up. “Uhm, hi, it’s nice to meet you,”

“He’s polite. I like it,” Jooheon’s face broke out into a dimpled smile and he turned around, gesturing towards them both as he began making his way back through the crowd around the bar he’d appeared from and Changkyun followed Hoseok as he did the same. “C’mon in, c’mon in, we can’t just stand around all day! D’you two want a drink?”

“Is that a trick question?” Hoseok rolled his eyes as they broke through the people to find two stools by the counter. As if by instinct Hoseok pulled himself up onto the first one and Jooheon on the second, and while usually Changkyun might have felt a little left out he was thankful for the fact he could stand in the middle of them. Either side of Hoseok and Jooheon there were rowdy couples ordering drink after drink and laughing too loud at jokes that weren’t funny so the younger boy didn’t mind standing in the middle of them as they leant back on the bar counter. The music was reverberating in his head and the low light was hurting his eyes already. He couldn’t even deal with the subway that morning and he was starting to think the club had been a really bad idea.

“So, Changkyun,” Jooheon turned to him with eyebrows raised and his lilt pronounced. “Tell me about yourself. Hobbies, interests, addictions, I’m all ears,”

“Uhm..” Changkyun looked to Hoseok for guidance but he was busy staring over the counter of the bar, fingers drumming on the table like he was waiting for something. The younger boy watched as he shifted his attention to stare at the man next to them currently downing his drink in one go and if he’d been looking a little closer he could have sworn there was longing in his eyes. As it was the silence between him and Jooheon was growing too long for comfort and so he glanced back at him with a small forced smile already plastered on his face.

“I go to college? My hobbies? um-” What does somebody say when their hobbies consist of wanting to die, jumping off bridges and going home with strangers? “Meeting new people? And, uh, I don’t have any addictions,”

His voice was unsure and Hoseok rolled his eyes a little as he leant back on the stool to face them.

“C’mon Jooheon, this ain’t a fucking job interview,” He sounded exasperated.

“I just want to make sure he’s fit to be your date tonight, Hoseok, I’m being a caring friend,” Jooheon rolled his eyes before narrowing them at Changkyun, and while he had disputed the idea that he was interviewing him that didnt stop the younger boy from feeling as if he was under some kind of interrogation. “So like, when you say no addictions… you really mean none, right? No drugs or shit, no alcohol,”

Changkyun could have sworn Hoseok shot Jooheon a glare as he spoke the last word but he was thankful for the distraction because it gave him a little time to think about the question.

Did being self-destructive count as an addiction?

“No? I don’t, I-I’m clean, I think,”

Jooheon broke out into a dimpled smile and once again Changkyun was astounded at how much it transformed his face. He nudged Hoseok round the shoulder with a grin. “You know what brother? I like this kid. He’s got it all going on, could teach you a thing or two,”

Hoseok let out a sigh and ran a hand through his bleached hair. “Glad to see you approve of my friends. Can we order now, please?”

Jooheon ignored him and instead turned to Changkyun with an amused smile on his face. “I don’t know how I put up with him,” He laughed. “All swearing and mean gestures, you’d have thought he hates me,”

He turned to Hoseok and pinched his cheek. “We know he’s a little sweetheart though, right? Says his bike is pink for the scare-factor but he just likes the colour,”

Changkyun let out a small laugh as Hoseok batted his hand away with a look of irritation on his face. He could feel himself warming up to Jooheon, shoulders relaxing and face pulling into a smile, having been scared both of him not being very nice or messing up when first talking to him but now starting to realise he was more like his best friend then he’d originally thought. His smile lit up his face and made him look almost pretty, cute cheeks and dimples, and it contrasted the expensive look of his clothes but that didn’t bother him in the slightest.

Changkyun thought Hoseok was prettier though.

“Fuck off Jooheon,” The older boy rolled his eyes. “I didn’t know you were good with kids,”

“I’m not a kid,” Changkyun said pointedly, far more comfortable with defending himself against Hoseok then Jooheon.

“Sure you aren’t. Can we get a drink?” The older boy dismissed his defence by turning to face Jooheon, who was looking quite at ease leaning back on the wood of the bar counter with a contented expression on his face.

“Ah, c’mon Hoseok, cut the kid some slack eh?” He grinned a little. Hoseok, however, didn’t seem to be in the mood for a joke, and he shot his friend a somewhat dangerous look as he replied. Changkyun wanted to ask what was wrong but he didn’t dare in front of the older boys friend.

“Can we please just get a fucking drink?”

“Fucking fine, chill brother, the night is young,” Jooheon gave an exasperated sigh as his cheerful demeanour dissipated and Changkyun watched as he turned to look behind the bar and motioned towards one of the bartenders currently trying to mix what looked like a violent combination of vodka and pink food dye. His reaction was immediate; he gave a polite nod, put down the half-full glass and retreated into what Changkyun could only assume was a workroom.

When he turned back around on his stool Hoseok was looking at him with raised eyebrows and the youngest boy watched as he burst into laughter and shook his head. “It’s not like that brother. I fuck the people in charge, not their employees,”

Changkyun blinked. Had Jooheon really just said that?

“Whatever you say,” Hoseok rolled his eyes but there was a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips and that quelled the fear in Changkyun’s stomach that he was mad at him or Jooheon for whatever reason. The anger had probably just been stress about getting a drink, that was all.

Jooheon laughed and there was a moment of silence as he looked them both up and down with an eyebrow raised. “You realise you both look like some kind of batman and robin duo, right? But if Batman was an asshole biker and robin his emo boyfriend,”

Changkyun coughed and tuned to look at Jooheon with wide eyes before glancing at Hoseok. He could feel a blush creeping on to his face at the prospect of being Hoseok’s boyfriend but one look at the other boy showed him to be wearing an amused grin and not wanting to sink into the floor out of embarrassment.

“Thanks brother. You look like you should be on the cover of Worlds Richest Gay Assholes,”

Jooheon burst into laughter. “Holy fuck, an actual joke from Mr. I don’t do anything but drink and complain Shin! Shit, I dunno what this Changkyun kid has done but he’d sure made you a whole lot brighter,”

Hoseok rolled his eyes and laughed, but the second Jooheon turned away to whoever was behind the bar he met eyes with Changkyun and gave a tiny little smile. It was almost apologetic and Changkyun wanted to tell him he didn’t have to apologise – Jooheon seemed nice, if a little lewd, and he was only quiet because he was shy and not because he was uncomfortable.

Just as the older boy looked as if he was about to speak again there came an accented voice from behind the bar supposedly directed at them. Hoseok and Jooheon craned their necks to look at him and so did Changkyun, taking in the suit he wore and clean cut of his hair. It took a few seconds for the younger boy to realise it was the same bartender who had left for the workroom upon Jooheon’s gesture, now back here alone and looking a little nervous.

“Uh, Jooheon, Sir, I hate to inform you but Mr. Son said he’s a bit... busy, right now, but he’d like to offer your drinks free on the house,” His voice was quiet and slurred and from the way he moved his mouth it looked as if the Korean words were foreign to him.

“Agh, that shit again. He’s always busy,” Jooheon let out a sigh. “Tell him I said I hope he enjoys himself with whoever he’s got back there and also Druggie's mad at him again,”

“Sir, do I.. do I tell him why he’s mad?” The bartender frowned and he looked to be a little scared at the thought.

“No, he’ll know. Thanks Ming Li,”

Ming Li was a Chinese name, right? Changkyun watched the exchange occur curiously, wondering who the worker was and why he was addressing Jooheon so formally.

“No problem Sir. Do you wish to order now?” He gestured at all three of the guests with his hand. Changkyun found it strange that they had a specific staff member talking to them – all the other people at the bar were shouting orders and getting it handed to them to by whoever they could get to listen to their demands – but for whatever reason they seemed to be in their own private drink-ordering bubble.

“Ah, yes please Li, I’ll have the usual citrus blend. Cocktail, extra sugar. Hoseok?”

“Martini, lime, no water,” 

Jooheon turned to raise his eyebrows at Changkyun. “What does the new kid want?”

“He’ll have what I’m having,” Hoseok said without hesitation and the younger boy was thankful for it. He knew nothing of ordering from bars but he figured a Martini would have to be strong, right?

“As you wish,” The bartender – Ming Li – gave a small bow and retreated to where he could pour their drinks and while Hoseok settled for a giving a small impatient sigh and shifting on his chair to face outward into the rest of the club Changkyun could have sworn Jooheon and the worker exchanged a subtle nod of understanding before he’d left. The younger boy wondered what it was about and then decided he didn’t need to know.

It only took a minute or two for the bartender to mix their drinks and when he returned with them arranged on a platter – a tall cocktail glass filled with yellow liquid for Jooheon and two rounded glasses sporting little slices of lime for Changkyun and Hoseok – he could have sworn the older boy gave a sigh of relief.

“Thanks Ming Li,”

The worker gave a small bow before moving off to tend to a woman in a red dress who had been shouting her order over the music for the past couple of minutes without being served.

Hoseok was the first to take his drink – pale hands wrapping around the crystal glass like it was the one thing he’d been waiting for – and next was Changkyun, who took the drink with a tentative hand and felt the coolness of the lime against the pads of his fingers. Jooheon took his last – the elegant cocktail glass looking right at home with his expensive attire – and held up towards them both in a gesture of a toast.

Hoseok scoffed at the move and downed his drink instead, face scrunching at the bitter lime but body relaxing as he did, and Changkyun took it upon himself to tap his glass with Jooheon’s, the tinkle of glass against glass surprisingly loud over the music. The other boy smiled his dimpled smile and gestured for him to drink and so he did, mouth twisting at the taste but alcohol familiar as it fell down his throat.

Jooheon raised his eyebrows as he took a gentle sip from his class, eyebrows raised and corner of his mouth quirking up into an amused smile. “So, Changkyun, you wanna fuck my friend here?”

Hoseok choked on his drink. 

“Hmm?” Changkyun glanced at Hoseok with wide eyes as he pushed his now empty glass onto the wood of the counter.

“’Cos I’m pretty sure he wants to fuck you,” Jooheon grinned. “Shoulda seen the way he talked about you this morning,"

“Jooheon-” Hoseok began, voice low and dangerous, but his dimpled friend quickly spoke over him.

“If you get together or some shit then that would be fucking awesome but you’re gonna have to remember that I am his best friend, yeah?”

Changkyun looked at him with wide eyes. What did he mean, get together? They weren’t going to get together, right? He glanced at Hoseok to look for guidance but he was staring at Jooheon with what could only be described as a look that could kill.

“So like, you can be with him or whatever, but I’m always number one in his eyes,” Jooheon laughed and raised his drink in a gesture, tone kind but words ever so slightly passive aggressive.

“Oh, and you should know he’s really grumpy when he wakes up,”

“I know,” Changkyun said softly, an almost fond smile pulling at his face as he took another sip of his drink. He remembered waking up in his bathroom the second night, him on the floor and Hoseok in the bathtub, and how he’d threatened to throw him off the bridge if his alarm woke him up again.

Yeah, grumpy was one way to put it.

“Wait, you know what he’s like when he wakes up?

It seemed Jooheon was slightly offended. Changkyun frowned and nodded because it was true, and he didn’t quite understand the implications behind his reaction.

“Hoseok, how does he know what you’re like when you wake up?” Jooheon turned to the older boy, eyebrows raised and tone accusatory.

All of a sudden Hoseok turned to Changkyun with a smile on his face but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Hey, Changkyun, lets go dance,”

“Hmm?” He looked up from his drink in surprise, only to find it pulled from his hand and placed back on the wooden counter of the bar.

“I said, let's go dance. Alone. Without Jooheon,” Hoseok’s voice was impatient as he tried to convey his meaning through his curt words.

Jooheon looked at him, expression of disbelief evident on his features. “Since when do you dance?”

“Since now,” Hoseok pushed himself off his stool. “Changkyun?”

Changkyun shot a look at Jooheon, who was sat on his stool looking equal parts amused and offended. “Okay..?”

“Let's go,” Hoseok grabbed his wrist and began pulling him in the direction of the sweaty bodies on the dancefloor, the music getting louder as they approached and the hum of base vibrating across their skin. All Changkyun could do was let the older boy guide him, feeling his wrist under the contact of the other boy's hand and shooting Jooheon an apologetic look as he was dragged away into the pounding mass of bodies behind them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The dancefloor was loud but Hoseok’s thoughts were louder, and as he pulled on Changkyun’s wrist and led him through the other people he had a hard time not hitting them out the way.

He was pissed off. Mostly at Jooheon because, lets be honest, he was never not pissed off at Jooheon, and while the rational part of his brain told him it was because he’d had to wait too long for a drink and it was just irritation anger caused by withdrawal Hoseok refused to acknowledge that his emotions could be based on anything other than fact. Only people with problems got withdrawal and he most certainly did not have a problem.

The Martini he’d drunk hadn’t been enough and Hoseok had a sneaking suspicion he knew why. The lime was strong, the alcohol burning his throat, but the minute it pooled in his stomach he had immediately known something was wrong.

Martini’s feel light when you drink them, and this one was heavy with water.

That was why Hoseok was pissed off at Jooheon, not because he’d made fun of him in front of Changkyun or because he’d called him an asshole biker, no, because he’d diluted his fucking drink like he was a child who couldn’t take care of himself. And now he was stuck in the middle of a raging dance floor, beat-drops common and sweat already sticking to his forehead, with some kid who he could hardly look at for fear of wanting to do things he really, really shouldn’t.

Just as the thought of the other boy crossed his mind there came a tugging on his wrist as Changkyun pulled his hand away and the older boy was forced to stop weaving through the other dancers to turn and look at him. The dancefloor was mostly dark, strobing lights illuminating their faces in flashes of yellow and pink and blue and Hoseok could just barely make out his features under the shifting colours.

“What was that about?” The younger boy had to shout over the music, and if Hoseok was paying more attention he might have assumed he was a little bit mad. As it was he just seemed confused and a little overwhelmed by the people around them as they jumped and waved their hands in the air with the pulse of the music while they stood in the middle of it.

“What?” The loudness of his voice made him cringe but it almost disappeared in the raving atmosphere. He really didn’t want to have this conversation right now.

Changkyun, however, didn’t seem willing to let it go. He crossed his arms across his chest and shouted over the music, his concerned tone even disguisable on the dancefloor. “Dragging me away from Jooheon? Is there something wrong?”

“Lets not talk about Jooheon, okay?” Hoseok sounded exasperated even to his own ears. It was almost as if they were arguing and they weren’t, not really, he was just in a bad mood with the drink not being enough to calm him and Jooheon treating him like he couldn’t take care of himself. “This is just us,”

“But-”

“Just us!” Hoseok took hold of the hands Changkyun had crossed over his chest and pulled them apart. His fingers were cold even on the sweaty dancefloor.

“C’mon kid,” He forced himself to forget why he was mad and tried to pull his face into a grin, leaning in with the signature move he was beginning to realise worked charms on the younger boy. The minute he was any closer then he needed to be Changkyun almost seemed to squirm under his gaze and the older boy watched smugly as he nodded a little and his body relaxed upon letting go of the previous topic. 

Hoseok hadn’t danced in almost a year, but he supposed there was no better time to start than now, right?

At first it was awkward, just swinging their arms back and forth and Changkyun looking confused at the entire situation, but it only took a couple of jabs around the shoulder and a playful grin from Hoseok to get him to relax just a little, swaying his body to the music ever so slightly.

And then all of a sudden Changkyun was dancing, smile on his face, looking a little bewildered at the fact that his body was moving and he almost seemed to be enjoying it. He laughed a little and ran a hand through his hair and Hoseok could feel the breath catch in his throat because he looked so good. 

And Hoseok really wanted to do things he definitely shouldn’t.

The fishnets looked good on him, but they'd look even better if he could take them off.

“C’mere, I’ll spin you!” He shouted, and he didn’t know what he was doing but he wanted to see the other boy happy even if it was just for a moment. He always looked to brooding and sad, was it crime to want to see his smile a little more?

He grabbed the younger boys hand without hesitation, ignoring the surprise on his face, and then pulled them around above his head, causing him to stumble in a slightly tipsy spin. If the club was a blur of colours and noise to him right now he couldn’t imagine what the other boy was seeing and maybe Hoseok was a little dizzy because he couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his mouth the minute he pulled his arms away and Changkyun almost fell over his own feet.

But it was worth it, because Changkyun was laughing.

“Woah, kid-” He chuckled and wrapped his arms around his waist in an attempt to steady him. “Careful, don’t want you getting hurt,”

And then all of a sudden he became aware of just how close he was to the younger boy because his arms were around his waist and his body was pressed against his own and he felt just a little nauseous at the thought.

There was sweat on his face and his eyeliner was a little smudged, the smile on his face disappearing as he looked up at Hoseok with the coloured strobe lights dancing on his pale skin. His breath was short and eyes wide, lips parted and so open and inviting and by God, Hoseok didn’t have anything left in him to resist and he didn't want to resist anymore.

Would Changkyuns lips feel soft against his own? Would he kiss him back?

Maybe if he just leant a little closer...

And then all of a sudden his arms were empty, the younger boy having pulled himself away from his embrace as quick as he possibly could.

“I’m going to step outside, okay?” He tried to meet his eyes and failed, running a nervous hand through his hair and voice unsteady even as he tried to speak over the loud beat of the music

“Hmm?”

“I need a bit of fresh air. I’ll be back soon,” The younger boy smiled but it was forced. The sentiment didn't quite reach his eyes.

“Oh.. oh, okay kid. Don’t leave me hanging too long, yeah?” Hoseok had a hard time hiding the hurt in his voice.

It's not like he cared that he'd pulled away from his attempt to lean in, but it didn’t leave him with the happiest feeling in his stomach.

“Course not old guy,”

And with that Changkyun was swallowed up by the dancing people around them, leaving Hoseok stood alone in the middle of a dance floor.

All of a sudden it wasn't funny or reckless or daring, it was sad, just him stood in the middle of all the laughing raving bodies and he let out a sigh as he began to weave his way back out of the crown – choosing to go the opposite direction Changkyun had, towards the clink of glasses at the bar instead of the side exit door to the alleyway.

It didn't take him long to find the familiar wooden counter, slipping through the crowd of people around it and finding a relatively quiet place to lean against the top. He tried to ignore the horrible feeling in his chest that told him he'd made a mistake with Changkyun, tried to ignore the look on his face as he'd pulled away from his advances, tried to ignore the intense feeling of longing that crawled up his throat.

“May I take your order Sir?”

Hoseok’s head snapped up to see the same bartender Jooheon had talked to earlier that evening – Ming Li, was it? – looking at him slightly cautiously, almost as if he didn't know if he was doing the right thing requesting an order without Jooheon around.

He glanced at the rest of the club over his shoulder. Jooheon was nowhere in sight – probably talking with the owner about what had happened earlier or grinding on some poor boy on the dance floor – and with a relief Hoseok realised he could order a drink without his condescending stare.

He could drown his feelings just like he usually did; with liquor.

He turned to Ming Li with a smile on his face and gave his order straightforward, not hesitating with his words in the slightest.

“Strawberry wine, please,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

The air was cold when Changkyun stepped outside, the smell of alcohol and puke strong in the little alleyway and the distant sounds of cars echoing between the walls. It was dark but the few stairs leading away from the exit door seemed to be lit by a single light drilled into the brick behind him and casting a yellowing glow onto the small surrounding area. Most of the alleyway was deserted with only a couple of strangers sounding like they were throwing up behind the garbage bins and one couple making out against the wall, the closest person to Changkyun being a small figure hunched over on the second step downwards. They didn’t look up when he closed the door behind him.

With a sigh Changkyun ran a hand through his hair and lowered himself onto the steps. When he’d told Hoseok he was only stepping out for a couple of minutes he meant it – the club had been hot and the people overwhelming and there was sweat clinging to his forehead and making his eyes sting but he didn’t want to leave him alone for too long. He hoped the older boy hadn’t been annoyed at him choosing to take a break. It was all too much for somebody like him - earlier that evening he hadn’t even been able to take a train just to get to his friend’s house and being thrown into an environment that mentally exhausting was enough to make him want to sleep for three days and then not wake up at all.

At first he had relished in the fear but then it had become dangerous, and the anxiety only intensified when Hoseok had gotten so close. 

It was almost like he’d been trying to kiss him.

But Hoseok would never kiss him, nobody wanted to kiss the stupid fucking mess that he was.

Changkyun rubbed a hand over his face and stretched out his arms with a groan, avoiding the eyeliner that felt as if it was weighing down his eyelids already, before reaching into his front right pocket. He felt his hands close around what he’d been hoping to find and he shifted his weight on the step as he pulled out the little cardboard box, light in his hands but heavy in its implication.

He hadn’t meant to take them. It had been an impulsive decision and the guilt had been eating away at him since it had happened. In the bathroom just that evening he’d gone to see what his eyeliner had looked like, Hoseok having just applied makeup while he’d been sat on the breakfast bar of his apartment, and as Changkyun sat on the step outside the back of the club he could still remember the way his heart had almost beat out of it’s chest just at his closeness.

And he also remembered the way his stomach had lurched seeing the box on the side of the sink. He remembered what the smooth paper had felt like in his hand as he’d picked it up, he remembered flicking open the lid with his thumb just like he’d seen Hoseok do and counting a total of three cigarettes with their beige filter paper and white roll snug in their little container.

And he remembered stuffing it into his front pocket without a second thought.

Now, as he ran his fingers over the little sticks in their cardboard coffin and pulled one out with a smile on his face, he couldn’t find the usual twist of guilt that accompanied it. No, the only thing he felt was excitement. Excitement for the relief of the fire in his lungs and excitement for the craving that was eating away at his brain already to finally dampen after his first drag.

His dreamed were shattered, however, when he looked at the lone cigarette after stuffing the box back into his pocket and he realised something was missing.

“Ah, shit,” He mumbled, wanting to hit himself round the head out of his own stupidity.

He’d taken the cigarettes but he hadn’t taken a fucking lighter.

“You okay there?”

All of a sudden there came a voice from somewhere to his left and Changkyun turned his head to look in the direction it had come from, the way they’d spoken had been soft but pretty in tone so he was not surprised to find it’s speaker also soft and pretty. It was the other boy sat on the steps outside the club, looking every bit the model in the artificial yellow light as he had one arm propped on his knee with what looked like a cigarette wedged between his two fingers. His hair was this deep maroon, black roots already beginning to grow from his scalp, and it was pushed into a middle parting that curled round from his hairline and fell over his forehead. His skin was pale, eyes big and nose high-bridged, lips long and almost sultry looking in the darkness of the alleyway.

“Hmm?” Changkyun was caught by surprise, momentarily forgetting what he’d been upset about while he took in the demeanour of the boy sat next to him. As he watched he realised his eyes were tinged slightly red and the bags under them were concealed with makeup beginning to flake off just under his eyelashes. When he finally remembered that he had asked a question and he should be responding he forced his body to take a casual position despite the anxiety curling in his stomach and gave a light shrug complete with a small, somewhat shy smile. “Oh, yeah I just… I left my lighter at home,”

Changkyun hated the way the lies rolled so easily off his tongue, but he loved the rush he felt when he knew he’d got away with it.

“Ah, rookie mistake,” The pretty boy grinned – it would have been charming, really, if his teeth weren’t all unsettlingly symmetrical - before he reached into his own pocket and pulled out a lighter. It was blue and for some reason that shocked Changkyun – he was so used to seeing Hoseok’s pink one he’d forgotten they could come in different colours. “Here, borrow mine,”

In one swift movement he threw it gently across the small gap between where they were both sat on the steps and Changkyun caught it between his palms, offering the other boy a smile as he did so. “Thanks,”

There was a soft chuckle in response but Changkyun wasn’t really listening. Instead he had already fed the filter paper through his lips and it was held between his teeth, the lighter working after a couple of flicks and Changkyun took care to remember what Hoseok had taught him earlier that evening. Breathe in before passing the flame over the butt, light the end only for a second, hold the smoke before pulling it into the lungs.

He did as he’d been told and it worked perfectly. The warmth was a familiar feeling to him now, the hot bloom in his chest, harsh chemical flavour and itching at the back of his throat were no longer foreign but comforting, and as he blew out the smoke and watched the wispy tendrils curl in intricate patterns under the artificial yellow light he felt his headache face and anxious shake steady.

“Damn cutie, you go hard on that shit,” There came a soft laugh from his left side and with start he realised the stranger had spoken again.

Changkyun held the cigarette away from his lips and turned his neck to face him, mouth forming a grin as he saw the raise of his eyebrows and amused smile. He almost didn’t register the nickname he’d used and even when he did he didn’t seem to mind. Something about being around Hoseok so often and having nicknames like ‘dumbass’ and ‘little shit’ being used as terms of endearment meant something as mild as ‘cutie’ didn’t really affect him anymore, much less when it came from a stranger outside a club.

“Ah, it’s been a while,” He shrugged in reply, bringing the stick back up to his mouth and taking another drag without taking his eyes off the other boy. His innate curiosity was harbouring questions once again and combined with the unusual situation his self-destructive brain was practically screaming at him to get more involved in the conversation, whatever it was about, like he was testing the water before diving headfirst into it.

“Fair enough,” The stranger grinned once again. “I know what those cravings are like,”

“Somebody gets it,” Changkyun felt himself growing at ease with this other boy, both of them falling into the pattern of conversation easier then he usually did. Something about the lilt of his voice, the slight of his eyes or pull of his lips; his entire demeanour was enticing to Changkyun for reasons he couldn’t seem to find. “What’s your name?”

“My real one or the one people call me?” The stranger laughed softly – not bitter, just amused – and took a long drag from the stick in his hand. Changkyun watched the way his neck fell back slightly as he breathed out the smoke, watched how it curled from his mouth in pretty ringlets that dissipated in the cold night air quicker then they’d appeared.

Changkyun didn’t really know what he meant by his question and he felt his face pull into a frown as he answered. “Uh.. both?”

He laughed – a high pitched, breathy sound so unlike Hoseok’s deep one - and shook his head in what he could only assume was amusement. “I’m Minhyuk. Lee Minhyuk,”

“It’s nice to meet you Minhyuk,” Changkyun nodded his head in greeting and was met with another laugh as he tapped some ash on the grey concrete ground.

“It’s cool if you don’t remember that shit though, nobody calls me that anyway,” Minhyuk grinned and gestured to the stick he held between his left hand, the end curling smoke and filter paper an off white. “I’m ‘druggie’ to anybody and everybody you’ll meet,”

“Druggie?” Changkyun frowned. Where had he heard that name before? It was definitely familiar, but there were a few seconds of silence as he took a drag from his cigarette and mulled it over. Hadn’t Hoseok mentioned his name on the phone one time? Or was his memory playing tricks on him? “Wait.. are you friends with Jooheon?”

The other boy laughed, voice bordering on a giggle, but for some reason the sound didn’t surprise Changkyun as much as he thought it would. “Friend is… one way to put it,”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, both of them smoking whatever they held and periodically tapping ash onto the cold concrete below. The air was icy and it dried the sweat on Changkyun’s forehead as he focused purely on the act of smoking and definitely not thinking about Hoseok, alone in the club behind him, waiting for him to return.

“Doesn’t that name bother you?” He asked curiously. “Druggie, I mean,”

“Bother me?” Minhyuk laughed softly. “I’m proud of it. Pays to have your name known ‘round here so long as it’s for a good reason and not bad,”

Changkyun didn’t think being known for taking drugs was a good thing but he wasn’t about to argue.

He took a minute to survey the look of the other boy, eyes scanning beyond his first appearance and taking in the clothes he wore – there was a jacket just by his side that Changkyun assumed he’d been wearing earlier and his jeans were an iridescent shiny black and scarily tight. He wondered how on earth he could move in them, let alone dance. The top he wore was sleeveless and white with a high neckline, baggy on his thin frame and leaving more than enough room to breathe. Besides from the peeling concealer just under his eyes his makeup was smoky and a silver earring dangled from just one ear, the colour matching the thin choker he wore around his neck.

His clothes didn’t shock Changkyun, however, despite the silver choker and the tight jeans and the expensive shoes, what shocked Changkyun was the little bandage tied around his left arm. If he hadn’t been paying attention he would have assumed it was another accessory like the one Hoseok wore on his bicep just over his tattoo, but in the artificial yellow light the texture of the bandage was raised and there was the small corner of a plaster peeking out from just under his elbow.

“I shot up before I came, don’t worry cutie,”

“Hmm?” Changkyun tore his eyes away from the white cloth with a frown on his face to see Minhyuk staring at him with his eyebrows slightly raised and face evaluative, almost as if he was gauging his reaction to the statement. The only thing it did was confuse Changkyun however, and his voice was perplexed when he spoke again. “Shot.. shot up?”

Minhyuk shrugged and picked at the bandage with his index finger. “Only a bit though, enough to keep me fucking awake I guess. Jooheon’s a great guy but he ain’t half pissy about how much I inject. Thinks he’s the god of fixing all problems or some shit but he’s not much better himself,”

It took a second for Changkyun to realise exactly what the other boy was talking about and when he did he felt his mouth part in surprise, cigarette forgotten and held to the side.

He meant drugs. Minhyuk meant shooting up drugs.

“What’s your name anyway?” The other boy turned to face him and Changkyun didn’t know if the subject change was intentional or not. “You know mine, it’s only fair you tell me,”

“Uh, I’m Changkyun. Im Changkyun,” He stumbled over his words just a little when he replied, mind slow from the alcohol he’d drunk in bar and brain still trying to process what he’d said. Strangers don’t just tell strangers they’re using drugs, right? That just doesn’t happen.

“Oooh?” Minhyuk’s face pulled into a grin at his answer and he looked at him in amused disbelief. “ _The_ Changkyun?”

He frowned and nodded, a little confused his response.

Minhyuk laughed and shook his head. “Wow, can’t believe I’m talking to Hoseok’s new man already, thought I’d atleast have to wait till Jooheon introduced me,”

Changkyun coughed on his next drag and wrinkled his nose. “I’m not his ‘new man’, I’m his friend,” He said firmly, ignoring the fact he couldn’t seem to make eye contact with the other boy.

“I see he likes the smaller ones,” Minhyuk grinned and Changkyun turned to stare at him in disbelief. “Doesn’t surprise me really, likes to pretend he can boss people around in the bedroom ‘cos nobody listens to the shit that comes out his mouth in real life,”

“I don’t-” Changkyun tried to argue but Minhyuk wasn’t paying attention.

“Fishnets too? Damn, bagged himself a right twink didn’t he? They look good on you though, really bring out the whole emo sex appeal thing you got going on,”

The second Minhyuk began to lean closer he felt his skin prickle in uncomfortable realisation, eyes growing wary as he felt the other boy dragging his gaze up his body to land on his face. He went from feeling like he was having a conversation with a friend of a friend to feeling like he was being scrutinized in a way he really didn’t want to be.

“How he can just sit there and not touch you is beyond me,”

Changkyun felt a blush crawl up his cheeks as he spoke, unable to tear his eyes away from Minhyuk’s intense gaze. He bent the leg closest to Changkyun and rested his arm on it, propping his chin on his hand and wafting the smell of whatever it was he was smoking in the younger boy’s direction.

“Jooheon even told me you were a twink,” Minhyuk laughed softly. “Said Hoseok disagreed so it must be true ‘cos Hoseok never admits when somebody is right,”

But… Hoseok had admitted he was right. Just that evening he had told him that he’d been right about the yellow paint metaphor as they’d sat on the kitchen counter and smoked side by side. Changkyun tried to voice his disagreement with what the other boy had said but he was quickly beginning to realise Minhyuk never fucking shut up.

“You’re pretty too, I guess, though not as pretty as the other one. It’s a shame you met him first really, we could have really hit it off,” Minhyuk giggled and Changkyun would have been more offended that he’d called him second best if he wasn’t so confused over who he was second-best to. He didn’t think Hoseok was close with anybody else, at least not that he knew of. Who was this other one?

“Sorry cutie, I talk a lot sometimes,” Minhyuk took a long drag from whatever he was smoking – lips slack as he pulled away and breathed the smoke towards Changkyun – and offered him a none-apologetic smile.

Changkyun didn’t know what to say so he settled for staring at the smoking thing in his hand. It didn’t take much to distract him, his cigarette was forgotten and smouldering held away from his lips, the alcohol making his thoughts hard to process and he quickly forgot what he had been thinking about a few seconds ago. Instead he settled for watching the smoke curl from the end of the filter paper held between Minhyuk’s fingers as the end smouldered in the cold night air.

“Want some?” The other boy spoke abruptly and held the stick out towards Changkyun.

The younger boy frowned. “…What is it?”

“Fuck if I know. Bunch of shit I pulled from my storage this morning and rolled into one when I was too off my head to care,” Minhyuk laughed. “I think there’s definitely weed in there though, kinda smells like green tea,”

Changkyun hesitated as he looked at the other boy then at the stick in his hand. Hoseok was waiting for him in the club, he shouldn’t be out here talking to some friend of a friend with a bandage on his arm and the offer of something that wasn’t just nicotine, but at the same time he could already feel the longing crawl up his throat just at the sight of the smoke curling from the lit end. One bit couldn’t hurt, right? It’s not like it was dangerous. Besides, Hoseok trusted Jooheon and Jooheon trusted Minhyuk, so that meant he could trust him too, right?

“C’mon, if you’re hanging round Hoseok you obviously ain’t clean,” Minhyuk raised his eyebrows like it was the simplest thing in the world. “If I didn’t know you I’d have said you were like me already, got the right skinny frame for it and that eyeliner ain’t hiding those eyebags,”

Changkyun didn’t give himself the time to think twice. He let the fear in his stomach guide his movements as he stubbed out his own cigarette on the ground and held out his hand.

“Pass it here,”

Minhyuk grinned and held it out for Changkyun to take, watching with an excited spark in his eye as the younger boy wrapped his fingers around the filter paper. “That’s the spirit cutie. Have as much as you want, I’m already off my fucking head and I don’t want Jooheon going on at me all night for going too far or some shit,”

He should probably back out now but the intense gaze of the other boy edged him on. He wanted to try it, wanted to know if it would differ to the cigarette he’d only just stubbed out. Would it be hotter? Would it burn like the first time he’d smoked? Would it taste any different?

Would it make him feel more alive?

There was only really one way to find out. Bathed in the artificial glow of the orange light behind them and the faint sound of music echoing from the club doors, Changkyun brought the stick up to his mouth – four fingers on the top and thumb on the bottom, just like Hoseok had taught him all those weeks ago on the kitchen floor of his apartment – and did the only thing he figured he should; he inhaled.

Changkyun supposed he should be used to reacting adversely to new experiences having already shed most of his dignity coughing up both vodka and tobacco in front of Hoseok but that didn’t stop the violent splutters that wracked his body as the effects of whatever Minhyuk had given him shocked his system. It was hot just like cigarettes and it spread through his lungs just the same but this time the scratching at his throat manifested in the form of pain in his chest and his headache almost seemed to flair before fading into the background.

“Bit strong for you cutie?” Minhyuk giggled, eyes wide and innocent.

“Nuh-no,” He pulled a face. In the light of the moment he couldn’t quite remember what had the other boy had said was in the stick but he figured it couldn’t be that bad considering he was currently sat by his side, only a little giggly and relatively unaffected, perfectly prepared to smoke it in a public place around people who weren’t high like him.

“How’d you feel?”

Changkyun thought about the question for a second. There wasn’t the immediate light-headed rush a cigarette gave him nor was there the fuzzy feeling in his stomach alcohol simulated. In fact, beside from the uncomfortable taste and heat in his chest, he didn’t really feel much different. “Weird,”

Minhyuk laughed softly and shook his head. “You’re acting like it’s your first time. Glad it isn’t. Wouldn’t give such a mix of shit to a first-timer, nah, gotta start on the pure stuff if you don’t wanna end up higher then the fucking Seoul Tower,”

At the sound of his words Changkyun’s stomach twisted a little in fear and he looked at the stick he was holding, watching the grey smoke curl in little tendrils from the smouldering end, and yet he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“Wait, it’s not your first time is it?” All of a sudden Minhyuk sounded a little unsure. It was a strange lilt to his voice that contrasted his otherwise confident demeanour and it seemed out of place considering the circumstances.

Changkyun shook his head and gave a light laugh although it was starting to become a little hard to focus on anything. He blinked a couple times and felt a somewhat casual smile tug at his face. “Nah. Been around Hoseok too long to be clean,”

“Good,” Minhyuk laughed in relief.

Changkyun didn’t feel bad for lying. 

They sat like that for a few minutes, both silent, Minhyuk stretching out his arms and neck and Changkyun staring at the stick in his hand. He didn’t like it nearly as much as the cigarettes but that didn’t stop him taking another drag, feeling the heat in his lungs and pain in his chest but he was sure nothing was happening beside from the exhale of smoke. He felt just the same as he had before, slightly tipsy and a little confused, but nothing drastically different. He was beginning to wonder if it even worked at all and he should probably get back to Hoseok soon because he’d be waiting for him and it was unfair to leave him alone for so long. When he got back he wouldn’t mention meeting Minhyuk or smoking what he’d given him, Hoseok was laid back but he figured he’d worry if he told him and the last thing Changkyun wanted was more people worrying about him. 

Just as he was about to hand the stick back to Minhyuk and head back inside the club he was suddenly hit with this overwhelming feeling of not-quite-right.

All of sudden the edges of his brain felt fuzzy and his vision shifted every time he moved, resulting in him blinking rapidly in an attempt to dispel the feeling and only making it worse. At first the tips of his fingers began to tingle, and then his arms, and by the time he managed to focus on the boy sat next to him in an attempt to ask what was going on he his entire body was buzzing. Having spent nineteen years of his life trying to forget his body existed, avoiding mirrors in fear of hurting himself and closing the curtains during the day, suddenly feeling every single inch of it was an alien experience. He felt above just being alive, he felt invincible.

And it was funny.

He couldn’t stop the giggles that forced their way up his throat. It was all just so.. funny to him, and he didn’t know why. There he was, in some alleyway at the back of a club, having just smoked something he didn’t even know the name of from somebody he’d only just met, and it was all so fucking _funny_.

“You sure you’re not a first timer?” Minhyuk teased, and when Changkyun shook his head with a giggle a laugh escaped the other boy's mouth.

“Ah, sometimes I forget my tolerance is so high..” He mumbled as he looked at Changkyun in amusement.

What was Hoseok doing right now? He’d find this funny, right? It was all really very funny. Changkyun couldn’t even tell the difference between the yellow of the light and the maroon of Minhyuk’s hair, his brain was far too fuzzy to make out where the colours changed, and as he squinted his eyes and leaned towards him in an attempt to distinguish the line all of a sudden two hands grabbed either side of face and he felt a shocked gasp fall from his lips as his head was pulled forward towards Minhyuk, all giggles immediately ceasing as his mouth fell slack in surprise. His breath was warm and smelt like smoke as it blew across his cheek and the bags under his eyes were tinged red beneath the concealer. 

“You know what?” Minhyuk smiled slowly, half-lidded eyes scanning Changkyun’s face as he was frozen in surprise. The hands on his face sent shivers across his skin thanks to whatever he had smoked and he found it hard to process what was happening. “I take it back… you’re prettier then I first thought, got these real bedroom eyes,”

Changkyun really couldn’t focus on what he was saying. He was so close, but it was all so wrong, he didn’t want to be this close and yet he couldn’t find it in himself to pull away.

“I hope he doesn’t ruin you,” He mumbled, staring at his lips. “You’re too pretty for that,”

Minhyuk didn’t let go of his face, his fingers gripping his cheeks almost painfully and his nails digging into his skin. As if by default, Changkyun felt himself lean in, pliant under the other boys hands, already too far gone to care that he didn’t have any control.

Minhyuk was so _close…_

..and then all of a sudden the other boy giggled and pushed him away, leaving Changkyun bewildered and a little lost and having to put out the hand still holding the stick down on the concrete ground to steady himself. He felt as if he should be reacting but there was this film over his brain that prevented him, and the skin of his cheeks were still burning with the imprint of Minhyuk’s hand. Was this what being high was like? It felt like his whole body was on fire, not just his lungs.

“Ah, I wish I could kiss you,” Minhyuk sighed dramatically and plucked the still smoking stick right from Changkyun’s hand. “Hoseok would probably shove a bottle up my ass if I did, and I know I’m a kinky little shit but that’s where I draw the line,”

In his distraction with Minhyuk he’d completely forgotten about Hoseok and for some reason he felt the need to go back and find him. He’d couldn’t wait to tell him who he’d met out here, couldn’t wait to see his reaction, couldn’t wait to lean in and-

“I should.. I should get back,” His head was starting to swim and he tried to speak normally to the other boy, attempting to swallow the giggles climbing their way up his throat. There was a small part of his brain working in tandem with the fear in his stomach telling him there was something very wrong about the way he was feeling but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

Upon attempting to stand up he found himself to be incredibly lightheaded and he had to lean on the dirty brick wall of the club in order to not fall over. Minhyuk giggled and gave a small wave with just the tips of his fingers, looking quite at home on the concrete steps with his arms exposed, bandage around his elbow and smoking stick in hand. “Run along then cutie, I’ll see you around, yeah?”

“Yuh-Yeah,” He nodded but he couldn’t focus on anything. He needed Hoseok. Where was Hoseok? His whole body felt weird. “Bye Minhyuk,”

The other boy laughed and shook his head, and as Changkyun struggled to open the door without collapsing on the floor he heard him mumble amused words in farewell.

“Bye Changkyun. Goodluck,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was Hoseok’s second glass of wine.

He didn’t know why he’d chosen to order wine. It tasted good but it wasn’t the strongest drink by far. If he wanted to get drunk he should have ordered the Bombshell cocktail or a couple shots of tequila but for whatever reason in that moment he craved the comfort of the glass pressed against his hand and the gentle sip of the alcohol more then the burning of his throat as he downed a whole drink. He supposed it might have something to do with the other boy, the one who’d stepped outside and hadn’t returned for a good ten minutes, the one who was wearing fishnets and eyeliner and looking good while doing so, because despite everything he needed to stay at least a little sober to be able to drive him home that night. He was already over the limit, but every little bit count, right?

“Hoseok!”

His head jerked up in surprise when he heard his name, the voice deep and unmistakably belonging to Changkyun, and as his eyes scanned the crowd they landed on the other boy weaving his way through the people as he walked towards him.

Well, walking was one way to put it. He looked a little off kilter, stumbling over his own feet while he made his way over to where the older boy was leant again the bar with the wine in one hand

“Woah, woah!” Hoseok said, tone both surprised and a little cautious as he steadied his shoulder gently to stop him falling over. “Kid, are you okay?”

“Huh, Hoseok, you’ll never guess who I met,” He almost seemed to giggle.

That was the second sign to Hoseok that something was definitely wrong. The first had been the way he’d walked – tripping over his own feet in a light-headed gait – but that could have been attributed to the alcohol. No, from the few times in his apartment where they’d both gotten drunk together Hoseok knew that Changkyun was far from a giggly drunk, and just seeing the way his nose screwed up and eyes looked at him in disbelief made his skin crawl in concern.

“What? Who did you meet?” Hoseok tried to make eye contact with the younger boy to convey his seriousness but the way he was fidgeting was making it a little hard and he didn’t even know if he could hear him over the music of the club.

“I-I..” Changkyun pulled a surprised face and then giggled again. “I met Minhyuk! His name is Minhyuk. He was really nice, very very super pretty, and he let me borrow his lighter-”

Hoseok was getting more concerned with every word he spoke. There was obviously something very wrong with the kid and he didn’t know what to do. “Minhyuk? Lighter?”

“Mhmm! He was.. really nice,” Changkyun’s words were a little slurred and then all of a sudden he frowned. “Wait, what’s my name? That’s.. I’ve forgotten, you’re Hoseok, but who am I?”

“Changkyun,” Hoseok said slowly, seriously, now actually scared for his well-being. “You're Changkyun,”

“And you’re pretty..” Changkyun grinned and then all of a sudden was leaning in like he was about to kiss him.

And that’s when Hoseok felt his stomach drop because as he got closer he was hit in the face with exactly what he smelt like.

Changkyun smelt like fucking weed.

There was other stuff, too, mixed with more poignant chemical smells and the clear must of smoke, but the unmistakable smell of weed was definitely the strongest and that’s when Hoseok made the correlation – this wasn’t just any Minhyuk, it was fucking Druggie Minhyuk.

“Changkyun? Changkyun, what the fuck did Minhyuk give you?”

But Changkyun wasn’t listening, he was swaying heavily to one side and only held up by Hoseok’s hand on his shoulder, eyes drooping then opening wide in a rather unnatural way.

“We need to go,” He mumbled. There was no way Changkyun could stay in the club like this. He was beyond drunk, he was fucking high, and this wasn’t the safety of Hoseok’s apartment but an actual club and there could have been a mixture of fucked up things in whatever he had smoked – Minhyuk wasn’t exactly known for the purity of his deals.

Changkyun gasped and in the strobe lights of the dance floor he looked the epitome of disbelief. “But why? We’ve only just started, lets go dance again, lets-”

“I am not babysitting some little shit who decided to get high out at a club, that’s why,” He muttered, taking a furtive glance around the club as people started to glance at their argument before deciding to latch his hand around Changkyun’s wrist for the second time that night and pull him in the direction of the door.

Changkyun, however, was not in the mood for complying and tried to yank his hand back with a frown. “But-”

“Changkyun!” Hoseok was exasperated as he pulled on his hand again. “Please! Lets just go,”

“No!”

And that’s when it happened. Changkyun pulled on Hoseok’s hand so hard he stumbled over his own feet, right into the younger boys body, and the glass almost full of wine in his hand was suddenly everywhere and Changkyun was on the floor in a puddle of it. The collision had cause the wine to splash all the way along his neck and he let out a gasp as he felt the cold liquid drip down beneath the hem of his sheer vest and across his chest.

Changkyun was sat in a pool of it, the glass broken and off to one side, palms flat and red blossoms patterning the fabric of his baggy t-shirt and soaking into his jeans.

“Fucking hell,” Hoseok could only mutter in complete exasperation. People turned to stare at them, eyes wide and faces shocked as they took in the bewildered boy laying in the puddle of wine and the other one stood directly over him. 

He grit his teeth and reached for the younger boys hand, disregarding all forms of gentleness as he yanked him to his feet.

“We have to go, now,” He said firmly, and Changkyun was so shocked over the ordeal he let the older boy drag him away from where the drink was now trickling along the cracks in the floor.

“Hoseok, I'm sorry-” 

“Save it for later kid,” He spoke loud over the music but the younger boy was still insistent on protesting.

“What about Jooheon-”

“I’ll call the fucker later,”

People were staring as he dragged him by his hand, weaving through the crowds as fast as possible, the wine dripping down his neck and on his expensive vest he’d worn especially for that night.

Changkyun stumbled after him as they pushed out the door, leaving the disrupted crowd behind them, but Hoseok had no time to relish in the cool fresh air against his skin as he pulled him over to the motorbike.

“Get on,” He said firmly as he swung his legs over the black seat. Changkyun did as he was told and Hoseok flinched when he remembered the wine soaked on his jeans. It was going to fucking scuff the leather.

“Hold on. I swear to fucking God, Changkyun, if you fall off the back of this bike I will leave you on the road,”

He pushed the kickstand out and leant on his leg to top it from toppling over as he looked for an opening in the traffic flying past. There were people crowding just outside the entrance of the club – one or two workers looking disgruntled among the drunk attendees – and with a sigh Hoseok realised they were staring at them as they ran away after smashing a glass on the ground and not clearing it up.

“If I fell off this bike I'd die,” Changkyun giggled as he wrapped his arms around his torso. “Wouldn't that be fun Hoseok? Wouldn't it be fun to die?”

Hoseok didn’t hear what the younger boy said next as he’d already revved his engine and pulled into the road, away from the people on the sidewalk staring at them with wide eyes. The way back to his apartment flew by in a blur, the alcohol easing his fear as he sped through the cars at a speed far too high for such an industrialised area, and the shifting lights around them was familiar enough to let his churning thoughts settle just a little bit. He couldn’t fucking believe Minhyuk, the fucking druggie had literally let Changkyun get high outside a fucking club. The minute he got his hands on him or Jooheon they were dead men walking.

By the time he’d drifted to a stop in front of his block of apartments and dragged Changkyun off his motorbike and up the stairs as he giggled and talked about how pretty Minhyuk had been he was starting to wish he’d ordered something a little stronger at the bar.

The door to his apartment was unlocked like always and with a grunt he managed to help the other boy through it, laughing about something to do with falling down stairs, and when he finally closed it behind him and turned to face his empty apartment he let out a sigh of relief. He was home.

“I’m really happy right now. I’m like, so so happy,” Changkyun mumbled, words slurred and mouth pulled into a smile.

“Well that’s great kid but-”

“Maybe I don’t.. don’t want to die right now,” Changkyun grinned and he gripped Hoseok’s arm before letting it go as he stumbled a little on his feet. “Maybe.. maybe I…”

“Woah! Woah, kid, there we go,” Hoseok lurched forward to stop himself falling over his own feet and then wrapped his arm around his back as a prop. “Let’s go get you cleaned up, okay?”

“Mmm, okay,” Changkyun was frowning but he gave a little nod of agreement and allowed the older boy to guide him around the couch and into the bathroom. He flicked the light on with his hand and Changkyun flinched a little at the brightness of it.

“I’m gonna.. I’m gonna sit here..” The younger boy gripped the side of the sink for a second as he stared at the porcelain before turning around slowly and pulling himself up on to the edge, body swaying a little and fingers fumbling with the edge.

Trust the kid to pick the most awkward place in the bathroom to sit. He could have sat on the edge of the bathtub or on the closed lid of the toilet but no, he chose to pull himself up onto the side of the sink just to make life difficult. The older boy could only let out a sigh as he picked up a towel from where it lay in the corner of the room and began running it under the bathtub tap, wringing out most of the water into his ever so slightly orange stained plastic so as to make it damp, not dripping. He turned to face Changkyun with a calm expression and the other boy looked at him with wide eyes as he took his hand in one hand and started rubbing at the wine on his skin with the other.

“Hold still, yeah? I don’t wanna hurt you,”

He fell silent as Hoseok cleaned him up, the giggles from earlier ceasing as he watched Hoseok work, gently scrubbing at the red on his skin as he worked his way up his pale arm. He lifted his wrist carefully to work underneath before moving on to the next, taking extra care around his neck and tilting his head to the side with the pads of his fingers as he rubbed away the few droplets just under his ear. The older boy didn’t know how he’d managed to get the wine everywhere and with sigh he realised it had stained his clothes as well. His top was splattered in it and his jeans were soaked through, the poignant smell making his nose itch as he worked at removing it from his body.

Hoseok didn’t let himself look at his face as he worked. He only focused on guiding the cloth in his hand as gently as he could, pulling it over the dips in his elbow and across the smoothness of his forearm, resisting the urge to meet Changkyun’s eyes as he watched him work.

He didn’t know what he’d do if he got caught in his gaze again, just like before in the club, and he really, really didn’t want to find out.

 

 

 

 

 

The white light of the bathroom was too bright for Changkyun.

He ended up squinting his eyes on the edge of the sink, occasionally swinging his legs and listening to Hoseok mumble about what a stupid idea the party had been, but it was getting easier to focus on the little things like the tiles of the floor or the damp cloth as it wiped at his arms. Changkyun figured he was beginning to come down from whatever high it had been and yet he still couldn’t really remember what had happened to get him to the bathroom. Had they ridden his motorbike back? It was all a bit of a blur. His mind was still foggy and hands still tingling but there was the unmistakable feeling of guilt starting to scratch at his stomach once again and that’s how he knew whatever he had smoked was wearing off.

He hadn’t meant to spill the drink. He’d just wanted to dance, but looking back he felt fucking stupid because it hadn’t been him talking but the high. Now he was sat his in bathroom one again, vision slightly hazy, as Hoseok wiped his arms and neck with the cloth in an attempt to get rid of the wine. It felt weird, the gentle way he dragged the fabric up his skin, the careful way his fingers curls around his arm as he lifted it to scrub at his pale skin. He didn’t really know how he’d ended up sat at the edge of the sink with the uncomfortable porcelain digging into his legs but he supposed Hoseok had put him there as a way to clean him up.

“I’m sorry,” The soft sound of the his voice made Hoseok look up in surprise but Changkyun refused to meet his eye.

“Hmm?”

“I made you mad,”

Hoseok frowned. “What? No, Chankgyun-”

“I didn’t meant to-” He hiccupped. “To spill the drink, I’m sorry”

Hoseok’s shrugged a little as he scrubbed at his left hand. “It’s okay kid. It’s not your fault, it’s that little druggie shit who let you smoke,”

“But..” Changkyun frowned, trying his best to gather his thoughts and have a conversation. It was getting easier to do so and he figured he was already coming down. “I was the one who.. who smoked it, and I-”

“Shut up,” Hoseok rolled his eyes. “Are you feeling better now?”

Changkyun nodded. His head hurt and he felt a little nauseous but it was easier to think clearly now. His head didn’t feel so foggy and his mouth wasn't so dry. 

“I can tell,” Hoseok laughed softly, and immediately Changkyun felt relief flood his system because in his confused state it seemed that the older boy wasn’t mad at him, at least not anymore. “You’re actually talking to me now, not just fucking giggling every two seconds,”

“Ah, sorry,” He grimaced slightly and the action made his head hurt.

“Stop saying sorry,”

There was a pause in which Hoseok finished wiping the last of the sticky wine from his fingers and let go of his hand.

“You still have wine all over you,” Changkyun said softly. It was true, there were little droplets all along his neck and his t-shirt was stained red and it made the younger boy feel bad because he was the stupid one who’d pulled his hand so much he'd stumbled on his own feet.

“And who’s fault is that?” Hoseok shot him a glare but there was no menace behind his words. “I’m gonna go change, okay? Will you be alright here alone? Won’t meet other people and start smoking the shit they give you?”

“Shut up,” Changkyun wrinkled his nose but he felt guilt pull at his stomach all the same. He hoped he could play the whole ordeal off a joke, because it really wasn’t serious and he didn’t want the older boy to worry.

“I ain’t trusting you again, you know that right?” Hoseok shot him a look.

Changkyun thought that was fair enough. He didn’t trust himself either.

Hoseok turned as if the exit the room and all of a sudden Changkyun was hit with an overwhelming feeling of fear.

“Wait” He didn’t want Hoseok to leave him alone, but as the older boy turned back to him he needed to think of an excuse for calling his name quickly or he’d be embarrassed.

“Don’t go,” He mumbled, and he hated the way he sounded so needy because the minute he started depending on other people was the minute he got hurt. He didn’t want to be alone, however, and so he watched with wide as Hoseok frowned from where he was stood by the door in the cramped bathroom.

“Hmm?”

“I.. you have, you have wine here,” And Changkyun didn’t know what he was doing but all of a sudden he was reaching up with his hand from where he was sat on the edge of the sink and wiping at his lips because it was true, they were stained red from the wine and for some reason it was bothering him. He rubbed at the mark until it came away under his fingers – little bits of red smudged across his thumb – and he didn’t look up as he did so for fear of seeing the other boy staring at him with those eyes of his that sent shivers down his spine.

But Changkyun didn’t take his hand away, and all of a sudden Hoseok froze.

Because in that moment the atmosphere seemed to shift. It was barely perceivable, but the nervous twist in Changkyun stomach was enough to tell him what had happened and with a shaky breath he drew his eyes up to meet the ones staring down at him.

Hoseok was so pretty.

He’d realised that on the second night and he’d laughed in his tipsy state, saying he liked his piercings instead of liking his face and had forgotten it ever since, but under the harsh bathroom light with his hair a mess and clothes stained red, a splash of wine across his neck and little droplets across his cheek, he realised just how pretty he was.

Pretty enough to kiss.

His hand was on Hoseok’s cheek and they were looking at each other, breath held, and Changkyun was wondering what if in an entirely different way to when he’d been on the bridge. This wasn’t a what if he fell and hit the water and never felt anything ever again, it was a what if he dived headfirst into feeling everything all at once, and he enjoyed it?

It was dangerous, but since when had Changkyun cared about that?

He didn’t allow himself to think twice because if he did he’d change his mind. Instead Changkyun leant up from the sink he was sat on, face wary but determined with what little thought he could muster, and pressed his lips right against Hoseok’s.

At first there was nothing. The older boy was frozen under his touch, eyes still wide even though Changkyun had closed them, body stiff in surprise. He smelt like tobacco and vodka and sweat from the dance floor, the unmistakable smell of smoke lingering on his skin, but that wasn’t the most important thing to Changkyun, not by far. His lips were soft, and as Changkyun hoped with every thing inside him that the other boy wouldn’t push him away in disgust or fear or laughter he felt his body relax under his hand and lips grow soft instead of still.

Hoseok kissed him back, and he tasted like strawberry wine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changkyun was kissing him.

And Hoseok loved it but he shouldn’t, it felt good but it was so wrong. The pressure of his lips as they moved against his own seemed to be the only thing he’d ever wanted but he wasn’t allowed to enjoy it, he never let himself enjoy anything other than material things. He shouldn’t find joy in anything that wasn’t alcohol or cigarettes or the wind through his hair as he rode his bike.

All of a sudden there was a tugging sensation on the back of his neck and it took a few seconds for Hoseok to realise the younger boy had fully wrapped his arms around them, pushing himself to the edge of the sink but pulling Hoseok towards him.

“Fuck, Changkyun-” Hoseok gasped and put his hand out to stop himself falling into the younger boy, wine covered palm hitting the mirror and probably leaving a smudged hand print.

He’d clean it up later.

Changkyun was pulling him forward even more and Hoseok let the one hand not pressed into the mirror rest on his waist. His eyes were closed and the bright light of the bathroom made patterns dance behind his eyelids as his senses worked overtime, the little breathes Changkyun took causing breath to hitch in his own throat and his stomach twist, the feel of the younger boys hands wrapped around his neck setting his skin on fire better then any cigarette ever could.

And then, all of a sudden, Changkyun’s lips left his own and there came a pressure on his neck.

Changkyun was kissing his _neck_.

“Kid,” He mumbled, attempting to pull back. Changkyun either didn’t hear him or ignored him and trailed his lips up to his jaw.

“Kid, stop,”

He wanted to enjoy it so badly, more than he wanted to admit, but the guilt in his stomach made him pull back because he shouldn’t want to do the things he wanted to do to him, and when Changkyun opened his eyes with his arms still locked around his neck they were both breathless. Changkyun’s eyes were wide and his pupils were still a little dilated, likely the effects of whatever Minhyuk had given him, and Hoseok could feel his own face flushed from the strawberry wine and martini he’d drunk at the bar.

In that moment Hoseok looked at the younger boy, really looked, not just skirted over his pale skin and pink lips but taking in the little curve at the edge of his eyelid and the smudged eyeliner and the way he looked at him, doey and innocent and wide-eyed. He noticed things he hadn’t before in the harsh bathroom light like the faded acne scars and the slight bump of his nose and the little mole at the base of his neck. But, most importantly, he took in the pinkness of his lips, how they were slightly parted and his breath was warm and wet against his cheek, how they were open and inviting and a little chapped from the cold motorbike ride. He didn’t know if it was the alcohol in his veins or his own brain telling him that he wanted him, urging him to know what Changkyun felt pressed against his body, wanting to know what the warmth of the other boy felt not just on his bike but right there, right now.

It was wrong to think it, it was all so wrong, he was younger and impressionable and definitely still off his head, but they were both out of breath and their eyes interlocked and he didn’t have it in him to fight it anymore. The alcohol was buzzing and his body was numb and all he could think about was the boy in front of him with the orange hair and fishnets under his jeans.

Changkyun leaned in again and Hoseok jerked away. He hadn’t meant to do it so quickly and the look of hurt on the younger boys face as he pulled his arms away from his waist and ran a sticky wine-covered hand through his hair made guilt crawl up Hoseok’s throat.

He could kiss him some other time but not now. Not when he was still a little high. He wouldn’t do that to the kid.

He couldn’t.

“I’m sorry,” Changkyun said softly.

“Don’t, don’t apologise,” He sighed a little, adamant that he was the one in the wrong. “You need to sleep,”

“Did I.. did I do something wrong?”

“What? No, no kid, dont worry” He forced a tired smile on to his face but it quickly fell away when he spoke the next few words. “We just can’t,”

“Why not?” Changkyun’s voice was quiet. He sounded hurt.

“Just.. not right now,”

How were you meant to explain to somebody that you didn’t want to fuck them up any further?

He didn’t want to admit it but seeing Changkyun like he had been in the club, off his head like his old friends used to be, so far gone he couldn’t even remember his own name, it had hurt. He remembered how he’d been on the first night, coughing when he drank the vodka and turning down the cigarette, and while Hoseok liked to believe he was helping the boy find something to live for smoking random shit with strangers wasn’t how he wanted it to go.

He didn’t mind giving the boy a smoke from time to time or letting him drink away his problems – he’d be a little bit of a hypocrite if he didn’t – but for some reason what had happened that night left a sour taste in his mouth.

The younger boy opened his mouth to protest but no sound came out. Instead he yawned, and at the sight of the kid sat at the edge of the sink with the messy hair and smudged eyeliner looking as if he hadn’t slept in about a week Hoseok felt himself smile sadly.

“You’re tired kid, coming down makes you sleepy,”

“I’m not.. I’m not sleepy” Changkyun shook his head, eyes closed and face scrunched up, but as Hoseok watched he seemed to sway a little on the ledge he was perched on before trying to push himself off it. It didn’t work and suddenly he was stumbling, tired and a little tipsy, across the tiled floor and towards the bathtub.

“Woah! Okay, okay..” Hoseok held out his hands to catch him, body heavy as he lowered him into bathtub as a way to break his fall.

The second his arms disappeared from around his back the younger boy curled up on his side in the middle of the white bathtub, legs still clad in jeans and t-shirt still stained with wine.

“I.. I’m gonna sleep here..” He mumbled, fully settled in the bathtub, and the older boy could only shake his head with a fond grin as he began to clean his hands in the free sink.

“Hoseok?”

“Mhmm?” He glanced over to see the younger boy almost talking in his sleep.

“Will I.. will I remember this in the morning?” He mumbled.

Hoseok smiled, a little amused and a little sad, and began drying his hands on a towel. “I dunno kid. Go to sleep,”

There was a yawn and the sound of him shifting in the bathtub. “You’re a good kisser,”

Hoseok laughed softly and shook his head. Trust that to be the last thing the kid said before he passed out.

The older boy didn't allow himself to look at the younger, curled up in the bathtub with a blush on his cheeks, for fear of feeling something other then fondness.

Without the younger boy to look after he felt as if he could finally do the one thing he'd been looking forward to that entire day, making his way to the kitchen on steady feet and opening the fridge in a familiar way. By the time he'd pushed off the cork with his fumbling hands and drunk one too many mouthfuls he could practically cry in relief because finally, finally, the alcohol was warm in his stomach and his headache was fading. 

It wasn’t enough. It was never fucking enough, taking small sips like he’d done in the bar to prolong his intoxication wouldn't fix the overwhelming feeling of fear in his stomach and he needed more.

Hoseok took a deep breath and lifted the bottle up to his lips, tipping his head back and feeling the alcohol flow down his throat and pool in his stomach, not stopping when his mouth burned or when he felt like coughing it all up. He kept drinking and drinking until he forgot he was mad at Minhyuk, until he forgot he'd kissed Changkyun, until he forgot he'd actually enjoyed it because he wasn't allowed to enjoy things anymore. Not after the last time.

When he pulled the bottle away he felt a lot better.

The shame in his chest blossomed, but he pushed it down without a second thought. Only people with a problem had shame when they indulged in it.

There was a blanket on the edge of the couch, left there from the many times he'd slept on it instead of in his own bedroom, and while all Hoseok wanted to do was curl up on the relative comfort of the worn fabric – maybe smoke a couple of cigarettes before the alcohol made him drowsy enough to sleep – he was very aware of the boy in the other room sleeping alone in the bathtub.

He shouldn't be alone.

Hoseok knew what it was like to be alone, passed out from drinking or something else just as destructive and waking up with nobody around to tell him what had happened or why he felt so shit. In that moment, groggy and tired with a pounding head and mouth dry, the last thing he wanted to be was alone.

And Hoseok was always alone, but it was never something he'd wish on somebody else.

With an exasperated sigh he took his bottle in one hand and blanket in the other, stumbling ever so slightly as he made his way back to the bathroom. The light was bright and the floor dirty and with a start Hoseok realised he was still wearing his wine stained jeans and top, the material tacky as it dried and stuck to his muscular frame. One glance in the mirror showed him to be a mess – eyeliner smudged and concealer long gone, lips still pink from the kiss – but he couldn't find it in himself to care.

The boy in the bathtub was sleeping peacefully now with his eyes closed and breathing steady and Hoseok felt his chest contract as he took in his small frame.

He looked cold.

Hoseok glanced at the blanket in his right hand, the one he'd brought just so he could sleep on the hard tile floor, and with a sigh he rubbed his tired face with the back of his hand and draped the blanket over the other boys sleeping body.

He hoped he could find some peace in his sleep. The kid deserved it.

His lips were still buzzing from being pressed against Changkyun’s as he lowered himself onto the tile floor, leaning his back against the edge of the bath, and at the thought of the younger boy Hoseok took a swig from his bottle and let his eyes unfocus as they stared at the floor.

It had been a long night and he kind of wanted to forget it had happened, kind of wanted to remember the feeling of soft lips against his own, and he felt himself drift in and out of consciousness as he sat on the cold bathroom floor with his blanket draped across some other boy he'd kissed only that evening.

And at some point in the early hours of that morning Hoseok fell asleep, bottle still clutched between his hands like it was the only thing keeping him alive.


	6. scared of you

Changkyun only had one cigarette left.

It looked small in the little cardboard box held in his left hand, the beige of the paper speckled and the texture of the brown substance grainy in the sunlight. Changkyun only had one cigarette left because the other was in his hand, held between his fingers just like Hoseok had taught, the smoke curling from his mouth after he took another drag and felt the comforting heat settle in his lungs. The wispy grey tendrils were almost lost in the cold morning air, the startling blue of the sky overhead and the distant chatter of students around him drowning out the little details of smoking he’d otherwise be able to appreciate should he be alone and not sat on the edge of the road outside his college, waiting both for his best friend and for the school day to start.

With a sigh he flicked the lid of the little cardboard box closed with his forefinger and then shifted his weight from where he was sat on the edge of the pavement to slip it back into his pocket, along with the little pink lighter he might or might not have taken from Hoseok’s apartment the morning after the party, knees bent and boots placed flat on the concrete of the road.

It was a Monday and Changkyun did not want to be at school. He didn’t want to be dead either, at least, not really, not with the fire in his lungs and chemical taste on his tongue and lingering thought of Hoseok in his apartment, but all of that didn’t stop him not only from feeling a little guilty at the thought of having taken the lighter from the older boy but also from having to deal with the overwhelming waves of confusion that kept sneaking up on him and trying to make him drown.

Because Changkyun had kissed Hoseok, and Hoseok had kissed him back, and then they’d woken up in the morning and pretended like nothing had ever happened.

All of a sudden Changkyun vision got considerably darker as a looming shadow passed over his body, the object blocking out what little warmth reached his skin from the low morning sun, and he tapped ash on the ground with a sigh before tilting his head up with eyes squinted to face whoever had just approached him.

"You didn't text me,"

The voice unmistakably belonged to Hyungwon. Despite the harsh light of the early morning and the angle at which he had to tilt his head to see him from where he was sat at the edge of the road there was no doubting the eloquent lilt and dramatic trench coat of his best friend stood above him. As always, the brunet was once again channeling his inner twelve year old emo, albeit classier then most other people could pull off, his bundled scarf tucked into his collar and pointed black shoes made him look as if he was here to take Changkyun’s life back to the underworld with a scythe in his hand and not scold him for forgetting to do something as small as text him a few mornings ago.

If he was honest with himself, he almost wished he was the grim reaper instead.

"What?" He asked, tone both indignant and surprised even though he knew exactly what his best friend was on about because despite the slight edge of guilt in his stomach he didn’t really want to admit he was in the wrong.

"You said you'd text me the morning after the party,” Hyungwon pointed an accusatory finger at where he was sat on the pavement. “You didn't,"

Changkyun grimaced and pulled his eyes away from his best friends shadowed face to stare at the cigarette in his hand out of shame, tapping ash onto the ground as a distraction. "Ah, shit brother, I'm sorry-"

He couldn’t finish his sentence, however, for there came three blunt pushes on his bicep that caused him to throw out the hand holding the smoking stick onto the hard concrete beneath him as a way to steady himself and the other threw up in a quick move of defense. It took him a second to realise Hyungwon was kicking him and despite the cautious way in which he did so the small aching pain that lanced across his bicep from where his pointy shoes had caught the skin under his hoodie was enough to let the younger boy know that he had definitely meant to hurt him, if only just a little bit.

"Oi, oi! Fucking hell, I said I was sorry!" Hyungwon glared at him and he held up the hand not holding the cigarette in pointed surrender. "Are you done?"

Hyungwon thought for a second, head tilting to the side and brow furrowing in perplexity, before giving him another light kick on the top of the thigh followed by a resolute nod.

"Yeah, I'm done,"

“Good, fucking hell,” Changkyun muttered the words under his breath as he rubbed his aching arm with the back of his hand. His fingers were a cold from where they were holding the cigarette and he supposed that should bother him but it didn’t, not really, and his hand was as steady as it could be as he bought the stick up to his lips, took a drag and felt the fire envelop his lungs. With a sigh he realised he’d already scattered most of the paper onto the ground in the form of little grey ash and there wasn’t enough left for another pull. It upset him more than it should have.

"Wait, Kyunie,” Hyungwon’s voice sounded considerably disbelieving from above him and in the corner of his vision he saw his best friend narrrow his eyes. “Are you _smoking_?"

"No," Changkyun stubbed out the cigarette on the concrete floor he was sat on without a second thought. He really only had one left now, and the thought made him more than a little sad.

With a sigh he turned to look up at the boy stood beside him and threw up one hand to shield himself from the bright morning sun. He held the other one out and Hyungwon muttered something disbelieving under his breath before taking hold of his wrist, pulling him to his feet and allowing him to stretch his legs. The minute his feet were planted firmly on the ground his best friend retracted his slim hand from around his wrist only to fold his arms together in an accusatory stance.

"Did he teach you that?" 

"Did who teach me what?" Changkyun feigned innocence as he brushed the dust from his jeans. As he did so the stray tendrils of fabric caught on the texture of the denim and his face screwed up in contempt when he realised he’d ruined yet another jumper with his absentmindedness. However, one quick glance at his feet showed he had remembered to wear shoes that morning, and not only did the thought fill him with pride but it also signalled the start of a relatively good day and he was already looking forward to the brief reprise from his usually dangerous mind.

"Did Hot Biker teach you to smoke?" Hyungwon’s voice bought him back to the present and he let out a small sigh.

"His name is Hoseok," Changkyun tried to be condescending but he still refused to meet the eyes of his tall best friend for fear of seeing the disapproving look on his modelesque face. Even when angry he still looked like a fucking god and that always seemed to irk him beyond belief. "And maybe. Why does it matter?"

"Smoking is bad for you,” Hyungwon’s voice was tinged with disdain. “Did you know that smoking two cigarettes a day can lead to an increased risk of Lung Cancer by up to eighty-seven percent?"

Changkyun rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. "No, I didn't. Thanks for informing me Mister. I didn't fucking take biology,"

"I'm just saying-"

"Well stop saying. I'm fine. Should we get to class?"

Changkyun didn’t wait for his answer and instead pushed past his best friend stood on the pavement, making his way towards the silver gate with the Hongsik emblem stood proud in metal above the walls. For a brief second he was alone in his walking, hands in his pockets and crunch of boots on gravel muffled by the few conversations of moving students around him, but the seclusion was short lived and it wasn’t long before Hyungwon was hurrying to keep up with him, long legs aiding in the way he jogged slightly just to keep up.

“Look, Kyunie I know you said you smoked the night he pierced your ear, but it was like, one breath you know?” His best friend was talking quickly as he walked, slightly out of breath but not stopping despite Changkyun’s obvious indifference. He was grateful for his concern, really, but he wasn’t in the mood to hear it. “This is not one breath Kyunie, that’s a whole entire cigarette. How am I meant to know there’s not more? I care about you. I don’t want you getting lung cancer or something,”

Changkyun focused on the transition from the gravelly path of the college grounds to the smooth granite steps as they both made their way into the Southern building. It was a Monday which meant they both had class here, in the European style brick walls and grey window frames, glass panes showing an insight into the mundane rows of tables and chairs laid out in each classroom.

“Thanks for caring Wonnie, really, I mean it, but you know what? It’s my life and I don’t care, so drop it,”

The way he said it seemed a little standoffish and Hyungwon looked taken aback by his tone, steps faltering as he followed him and almost falling behind. Changkyun was surprised too if he was honest with himself, because despite his evasion of accusations and occasional lies he had never been one for pure confrontation and yet his tone of voice seemed to suggest otherwise. After a couple more steps and just before he was about to enter the main door of the building he let out a little sigh and turned to wait for his best friend, and while his stomach twisted a little in guilt at the brief flash of hurt on his soft features it was quickly replaced by his traditional look of mild discontent as he made the last few steps to stand side by side with the younger boy.

"You know what? Fine, okay, whatever. I give up. Did you do your film assignment like I told you to?"

Changkyun rolled his eyes and chose to begin walking instead of giving an answer, but this time his movements were slower and they walked next to each other through the entry hall and across the mottled blue carpet. 

The halls of his college were much like any other, the walls adorned with various plaques and the occasional portrait of some wrinkled, greying Professor who contributed great things to the architecture of the building or its academic legacy. It was early on a Monday morning but that didn’t stop the few students in the hallways from moving with vigor as they sped to their first class or meandered their way to the library, those unlucky enough to be taught at nine on a Monday morning sporting various wrinkled hoodies and dark undereye circles that told of different levels of sleep deprivation. At least Changkyun wasn’t the only one with that problem.

Hyungwon’s exasperated voice brought him back to the present with a jolt and he turned to look at him as he spoke. "Oh god, brother, you're a dead man walking. Professor Kim is actually going to murder you,"

"If he does I'll thank him for it," Changkyun laughed softly and then proceeded to cringe at the obviously bitter tone of his voice, but for some reason his bad taste in joke seemed to lighten the mood and Hyungwon let out a snort of amusement. "I was a bit busy recovering from a fucking hangover,"

"How much did you drink anyway?” He asked with a raise of the eyebrow. “You still look like shit and it's been like, three days,"

Changkyun knew he looked like shit but he didn’t need reminding. If the dark circles under his eyes weren’t enough then the pallor of his skin definitely contributed to his shitty appearance, but he blamed it on his lack of sleep since the night of the party and not how much he’d had to drink when it had occurred – or what he’d smoked in the process. "Two, actually. And not that much to be honest. A martini and.. and some wine,"

Did it count as drinking if it had just been the lingering taste of the liquor on another boys lips?

"Are you sure?" His best friend frowned, obviously disbelieving, and he offered a somewhat reassuring eye-roll in response.

"I'm sure,"

"You stayed safe right? Did Hot Biker do anything to you? Did he take advantage?"

"Fucking hell, I wish you'd stop saying that," Changkyun didn’t look at his rambling friend as they reaching the stairs right at the end of the hallway and instead chose to push open the door with the flat palm of his hands. It was convenient that their classes were both on the first floor on most days, but on this particular Monday morning Changkyun just wanted to be rid of his tall friend. "Hoseok isn't like that. Yes, I stayed safe. No drugs, no nothing, we.. well, we kissed, but-"

"You _what?_ "

"Yeah, uh, in his bathroom-"

"Holy shit Changkyun, you have to start with these things-"

Changkyun snorted as he used his back to push open the door to the first floor, holding it open for a couple making their way down the stairs before letting it close behind him and turning to give his friend a scathing look. "I would of if you hadn't fucking kicked me the second you saw me,"

"Shut up, you deserved it,” Hyungwon dismissed the jab with a wave of his hand. “Now, back to the fact you literally kissed him-"

"I did. For like, a whole five minutes," Changkyun laughed softly as he remembered the feel of the other boy's lips against his own, their movement soft and hand gentle as it tugged on his waist. He remembered the way Hoseok had sworn when he’d pulled him closer, remembered the slight pant of his breath as he pulled away, and even as he made his way through the hallway of his college he felt his stomach stir in something close to both nerves and excitement. "He pulled away pretty quick though. I.. I was a bit drunk, and I think he just felt bad for me. I don't really remember much. Next thing I know I'm waking up in his bathroom with a blanket over me and wine on my clothes,"

"Fuck,"

Changkyun laughed, the sound louder than usual, perhaps a little more carefree than he was used to being. His best friend never really swore that decisively and it was a little funny to hear such words come from his mouth. They’d reached his classroom, number four-oh-three, and as per usual Changkyun leant against the wall just beside the door instead of choosing to go in immediately, partly out of habit and partly out of wanting to drag out the time before he got shouted at by some half blind professor in his mid forties over his lack of yet another graded assignment. "My thoughts exactly,"

"Fucking fuck, Changkyun, what happened after that? In the morning?" Hyungwon’s eyes were wide in shock as he came to a stop just by his side. His class was a little way down the corridor so he could spare a few more minutes engaging in conversation instead of setting up his desk for another few hours of monotonous study.

"I.. well, not much. We didn't really talk,” He shrugged a little in response, trying to disguise the worry in his voice through nonchalance. “He was super hungover and I just.. we ate breakfast, and I promised not to kiss him again, and yeah. Yeah, that was it,"

If Changkyun had thought Hyungwon had been surprised before it was nothing compared to the look of total shock on his face now but his comically large eyes were not enough to take away from the nervous feeling in his stomach at the thought of what had happened after the party. "Why on earth did you promise not to kiss him again?"

"I don't know” He nodded at his classmate as he pushed through the door next to him in distraction, offering a small smile when he gave a short wave and disappeared behind the door. The thing about Film Study students is that they all felt this familiar solidarity with one another in the way that they all immensely regretting taking the major they did and were now trying not to drop out of college after only a few months of attending. “I feel like it kinda ruined our friendship,"

“You’re such an idiot, Changkyun, I can tell he likes you and I haven’t even met him yet,”

“Yet,” Changkyun laughed at that word because, for some reason, he couldn’t ever imagine Hoseok and Hyungwon being in the same room together, let alone having a conversation. His best friend was so entirely logical, not to mention shocked by the ‘absurdity’ that was both drinking and smoking, and pitting him against Hoseok with his leather jackets and almost flirty aura was funny even to Changkyun. He felt like their personalities would clash just a little too much, Hoseoks bluntness and Hyungwons uptight way of speaking seemed like it would cause one too many problems then Changkyun was willing to deal with.

"Wait, brother,” Hyungwon looked around furtively like he was afraid he’d get scolded for saying whatever it was he was about to say.. “What about that whole thing last week where.. where you said you wouldn’t mind, you know.. Doing _it_ with him?"

Changkyun rolled his eyes at his best friend but once again refused to meet his eye.

He didn’t want to think about the things he’d admitted to last week because, if he was honest with himself, he’d been a little too excited about the whole party at Haneuls and had let slip to Hyungwon that he maybe wouldn’t mind doing a little more than kissing with the badass biker with the killer grin and worn leather jacket. Looking back on it now it had been a mistake – not what he said, the statement still rang true, but he hadn’t expected his friend to use it against him in conversation like that.

"Why are you so grossed out about sex?” Changkyun raised a questioning eyebrow and let out a soft laugh when he saw the way Hyungwon’s face screw up with something close to disgust at the topic. 

“Don’t worry about me, we’re talking about you,” His best friend dismissed the subject with a wave of his hand. “Would you do it? Now you’ve kissed or whatever?”

Changkyun took a second to frown as he thought about the question, genuinely trying to take it as seriously as he could. Should his best friend have mentioned anything to do with the topic of sex a couple of weeks ago he would have been just as surprised, if not a little embarrassed, but somehow after knowing what it was like to kiss Hoseok and being exposed to people like Jooheon at a place like Haneuls he was less embarrassed by the whole idea and more just intrigued. He wanted to test those waters just like he had done with drinking and smoking and maybe with whatever Minhyuk had given him in the club. He took a second to gather his thoughts before he gave a light shrug in response.

"I dunno,” He replied tentatively but honestly. “He’s older, probs wouldn’t wanna.. get with somebody like me, you know?"

“You won’t know until you ask,” Hyungwon pointed out, tone matter of fact.

“I mean, I guess..”

There was a small silence in which he trailed off and neither of them really said anything, both stood in the corridor of their university outside one of the classrooms. It was almost implied that Changkyun should give a small farewell to his friend and retreat into the classroom behind him but for whatever reason – whether it was his lack of work or disinterest in actually trying to learn anything in such a tired state – he didn’t make a move to push himself off where he was leant against the wall.

"Why can't all our conversations be about him?"

"Hmm?" Changkyun looked up at his friend with eyebrows raised, pulled out of the perplexing thoughts currently running rampant in his mind.

"You actually talk when it's about him. Otherwise you're just kinda.. dead. Or angry. Or both," His best friend tried to make it a joke, mouth pulling into a small apologetic smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes and the expression made Changkyun’s chest hurt just a little.

"I wish I was dead,”

Changkyun had meant for the statement to be a joke but it fell flat and Hyungwon didn’t say anything after that, simply shooting him concerned glances out of the corner of his eye when he thought the younger boy wasn’t looking but Changkyun saw them all. He could feel the concern radiating off his best friend in waves and he almost wanted to yell at him despite not having the energy to do so, simply because he hated people being worried about him and even though he loved his best friend sometimes he just wished he’d leave him alone. Changkyun knew he wasn’t fine, he didn’t need Hyungwon reminding him he wasn’t okay through the fearful knit of his brows or purse of his lips at the mention of how he really felt.

"So anyway, back onto you banging the Hot biker-"

"Fucking _hell_ Wonnie-"

"I'm just saying.." He grinned a little and the tense atmosphere dissipated almost as quickly as it had appeared. "The whole sex thing? Lowkey gross, I don’t get it, but.."

“But?” He raised his eyebrows in impatience. Why couldn’t his best friend just spit it out?

“But..” Hyungwon grinned. “I bet he’s huge,”

Changkyun couldn’t help the way his face grew hot at the suggestion and he wrinkled his nose in distaste in an attempt to distract from the blush of his reddening cheeks. "Oh my God, shut the _fuck_ up,"

His best friend laughed and nudged him round the shoulder in a playful way so unlike his usual uptight nature. “I’m just saying Kyunie, have you seen those muscles?”

“Muscle doesn’t equate to the size of whatever is in your pants, Hyungwon.”

“Oh dear, brother, I think you’re right..” His face grew shocked, and his voice morphed from normal conversation to dramatic stage whisper as he made a show of the next statement. “If anything, he’s _compensating,_ ”

“Oh my god, fuck off, you’re literally worse than Jooheon,” Changkyun’s voice was coloured with obvious exasperation as he pushed himself off from the wall and made the few steps over to his classroom door, away from his friend and his absurd commentary. “I’m going into class, Kim’s probably waiting for me, and I’ve already forgotten my books and assignment. I’m literally dead,”

“Wait, Kyunie,” All of a sudden he was calling his name again and he turned back with raised eyebrows.

“Yes, you fucking idiot?”

“Wanna hang out tonight?” Hyungwon scratched the back of his neck. “I need to go Christmas shopping before it gets too cold to step foot out of my apartment and you should come with,”

“It’s the fourth of December,”

“Exactly! We could go to Namdaemun and get clothes, shop for our parents, then maybe have dinner after? If.. if you’re up for that?”

Changkyun wasn’t up for that. He was tired, and grumpy, and his head hurt and eyes ached and he really just wanted to crawl back into bed and not wake up because he kind of hated himself and wanted to forget he existed long enough for the bad thoughts to go away. Unfortunately, he already knew how that routine ended – he’d lie in bed all evening and night as well, hopefully sleeping but probably not, thinking about all the things he would do if he had the chance and wasn’t such a coward. 

And if he didn’t have Hoseok waiting for him in his messy apartment.

With a small sigh he forced a smile on to his face and tried to feign enthusiasm at what he was about to agree too, not wanting to hurt his best friend more than he already had. “Yeah. Yeah, sure brother, sounds good”

“I’ll be at the gate after class, kay?” Hyungwon’s face broke out into a rare toothy smile and he gave a small wave before beginning to step backwards down the corridor towards his own class. “Love you brother!” He called out behind him before turning to jog away to his first Literature lecture of the day.

“Love you too Wonnie,” Changkyun laughed softly with a little shake of his head, took a couple of seconds preparing himself for the onslaught of shouting he was about to incur from his balding professor, before pushing open the door to his classroom and making his way inside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the second time that day Changkyun was alone sat at the side of the road, cigarette in hand and feet planted firmly on the concrete below, but unlike last time he was not blinded by the cold morning sun or sat just outside the gates to his college. Instead it was night time, the day having mostly passed by in a quick blur of two classes – one detailing the different types of romantic shots currently present in media and another discussing how to avoid stereotyping the many characters in a film – and now Changkyun was currently in the middle of Namdaemun market, the sun already set and air so cold he was blowing out smoke even before he’d taken his first drag.

The street was already bustling with bundled up Christmas shoppers and winter-loving couples holding hands as they meandered the concrete paths, the occasional stall selling not quite blooming mistletoe and cinnamon flavoured hot chocolate in little red cups were set up on the wide pathway in the downtown marketplace, the skyscrapers tall in the night sky and the neon lights brighter than they’d ever been. Each storefront was sporting little snowflake decorations next to promises of reduces prices for their lucky customers, the Christmas lights strewn between lampposts and across walls reflecting in the windows and off the glasses of passers by. Not only was Changkyun almost overwhelmed by the amount he could see, the red coats and green scarves and occasional flash of car headlights blurring into an unfocused hazy mess, but his sense of hearing was also being overworked big time. There was spindly music being played from one too many shops, the sound of bells and high pitched violins melding together with laughs of passers-by and the hum of conversations they were having as they walked through the cold night air.

Changkyun remained alone in his little bubble sat at the edge of the road, vision darkened by the way the light of the perfume shop behind him fell over his body and cast a shadow on the concrete of the road, the lack of cars allowing for relative peace and quiet if he didn’t look behind him and instead focused on the gentle tap of ash and warmth in his lungs as he took another drag.

Hyungwon was in the shop behind him, probably picking up multiple sculpted glass bottles with delicate scrawling labels like ‘Vanilla Essence’ and ‘Peppermint Blossom’ as he tried to find the perfect scent to tell him mum just how much he loved her on Christmas. His friend had tried to convince him to come into the shop with him, perhaps scan the little boxes on the shelves and pick out something for his own mother, but there had been this strange itching in the tips of his fingers and at the back of neck and he’d wanted to light up a cigarette more than he wanted to thank his mum for giving birth to him nineteen years ago. Changkyun felt his face form a wry smile as he thought about it because, if he was honest with himself, the world probably would have been a much better place if it hadn’t of happened in the first place.

The whole scene in front of him was idyllic, sure, but he sort of just wanted his best friend to return from the store he was browsing and allow him to make his way home as soon as possible.

“Who the fuck gave you that cigarette?”

The sudden voice was loud over the hum of conversations and Christmas music around him and Changkyun gave a small jolt in surprise. He almost didn’t believe the person was talking to him until he looked up to see a familiar body shape stood leant against a motorcycle just across the road. No other man had a bike that colour.

“ _Hoseok_?” With wide eyes Changkyun took in the other boy just across the pavement from him, his stomach doing this weird jumping thing and his breath almost getting stuck in his throat, a slight tug of his chest indicating a weird mixture of perplexity and excitement. 

The older boy wore his usual tight jeans, the black fabric clinging to his thighs and leaving Changkyun to wonder how he could even move in them let alone fling his leg over his motorbike in such smooth manoeuvres. His top was white under his leather jacket – the patches on the black sleeves worn and little stitches pulling away at the seams – his bleached hair pushed back and buckled boots on his feet stood imposing on the concrete below.

For some reason Changkyun had never noticed the way the other boy’s ears stuck out each side of his head and he supposed he thought it was pretty cute.

“Who gave it to you?”

The challenging tone of his voice couldn’t disguise Changkyun’s happiness at seeing him, however, and he felt his face pull into a grin as he looked up at the older boy, squinting in the bright lights of the street Christmas lights as the colours cast red and blue hues across his pale skin in the night air. “Hello to you too,”

“Answer my question kid,” Hoseok raised an eyebrow and shifted his weight from where he leant on his motorbike just a few steps away, running his hand through his hair in that endearing habit of his. There was a slight tilt to the way he spoke, however, a small grin pulling at the corner of his mouth as he gestured towards the dwindling cigarette in Changkyun’s hand, indicating that his stand offish nature was just for show and he was really just trying to push his buttons.

The younger boy thought about lying to him but it wasn’t worth the trouble – or the guilt. Instead he offered a nonchalant shrug in reply to the question. “I took it. From your apartment,”

Hoseok laughed and shook his head in disbelief. “You little shit,”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Changkyun grinned, not taking his eyes away from the older boy as he took a short drag from what little was left of the smooth stick between his fingers.

“Did you only take one?”

He nodded in reply.

“How the fuck did you light it?” Hoseok’s voice was incredulous. He was speaking slightly louder than usual over the bustling street life in order to project his voice over the short distance between them.

Changkyun pulled a face and scratched his neck in guilt. “About that..”

“Oh, fuck, kid, you didn’t,” Hoseok screwed up his face as he rubbed it with his hands, tone obviously exasperated.

“I’m sorry!”

“I can’t believe you took my fucking lighter as well,” Hoseok laughed but he was seemingly struck by his nerve.

Changkyun was surprised by his actions too, now that he thought about it he never would have done something like this a few weeks ago but who he was then didn’t seem to matter now.

“I mean, you weren’t using it. You have like five,” Changkyun pointed out with a wave of his hand because it was true – there were more than a few little pink lighters strewn around his messy apartment, it just so happened there had been ample opportunity for him to slip one in his pocket before he left the morning after the party. It wasn’t like Hoseok had missed it, the older boy always had one in his pocket and judging by his current surprised reaction he hadn’t even noticed his other one disappearing.

“You can’t just take my things whenever you want,” Hoseok gave him a pointed look but all Changkyun could do was grin in reply.

It was the second time Changkyun had been interrupted while smoking a cigarette that day, both situations almost mirror images of each other, though while that morning with the cold winter sun numbing his fingers and the grey smoke disappearing under the blue sky he'd been met with faint irritation and a niggling feeling of guilt upon seeing the tall, trench coat covered silhouette of his best friend standing over him, seeing Hoseok above him on the street at night, framed by the bright lights of Christmas decorations and wearing his signature grin, the only feeling Changkyun was left with was this weird mixture of nerves and excitement.

After what had happened a couple of days previously - along with the regret he'd expressed in the morning over doing what he had done - Changkyun had expected his first encounter with the older boy to be more awkward than usual, perhaps a little dry. As it was, the aura Hoseok excluded was not only one of confidence but of mischief, and while he seemed to be feigning outrage at the thought of the younger boy stealing both his cigarettes and lighter there was this playful glint in his eye and casual lean of his body that told Changkyun he was just teasing.

The entire situation put his stomach on edge, but in a good way, because he didn't know what Hoseok’s grin and tilt of his head meant but he sure as hell wanted to find out.

With a laugh at his expression Changkyun tapped ash onto the concrete path beneath him but didn’t look away from Hoseok’s challenging stare. “I took your boots. And hoody. And alcohol, and bleach, and frosties, and earring,” He pointed out with a grin.

Hoseok proceeded to laugh and relax his posture from his feigned annoyance, easy smile slipping onto his face as he ran a hand through his hair. “Okay, okay! I get it. I’m fucking weak and can’t say no to you, you don’t have to rub it in,”

“Are you mad?” The younger boy tried to sound confident but he couldn’t help the tell-tale waver of insecurity as it made his words quieter because, oh god, what if he really was mad?

He shook his head with a smile. “No. Course not kid. Is the cigarette good?”

“Hell fucking yeah,” Changkyun grinned, all worry about Hoseok’s emotions dissipating in a heartbeat. “Best one yet,”

All of a sudden there came a voice from behind him that sounded suspiciously like it was calling his name, and he let out a gasp as he craned his neck behind him on the pavement to see his trench coat clad friend making his way towards him with a baby blue plastic bag in one hand and a few scented sticks in the other.

“Sup brother!” He gave a small wave in greeting. “You got your perfume?”

“Yeah, uh, vanilla, with rose extract,” Hyungwon looked at him warily, stopping a few steps from him and looking awkward alone on the pavement. He took a furtive glance at Hoseok where he was leant on the side of his motorbike and when he spoke his voice was close to a whisper. “Is that.. is that Hoseok?”

“Yeah! Come meet him,” Changkyun grinned excitedly and gestured to his best friend, watching as he seemed to take a few seconds to make the decision before tentatively stepping closer. The younger boy almost felt a little bad for springing the situation on him – he knew what it was like to be overwhelmed by unplanned encounters and he also knew Hyungwon was one for meticulous schedules – but for some reason he couldn’t find it in himself to care all too much about it.

When he turned back to face Hoseok he was in the process of putting a lollipop in his mouth – the colours of the Christmas lights around him making it glint while it moved - an innocent grin on his face as he seemed to look Hyungwon up and down.

“Hey,” His best friend looked wary, eyes narrowed in either curiosity or anger, Changkyun couldn’t tell.

Hoseok pulled the out lollipop and offered a small nod. “Hey,”

Changkyun took the opportunity in the break of conversation to flick the butt of his cigarette into the drain just by his side and haul himself to his feet, stretching out his legs in the process. He turned to the boy leaning on the motorcycle with a pointed look on his face and proceeded to gesture at the friend stood by his side. “Hoseok, this is Hyungwon, my best friend. Please be nice to him,”

“I’m always nice,” Hoseok grinned, red lollipop in hand and the flavour already staining his tongue.

There was a brief lapse in speaking before Hyungwon leaned closer to Changkyun with wide eyes and cast a furtive glance at the other boy. “Um, Kyunie, why is hot biker here?”

His voice was quiet but apparently his words travelled easily in the cold winter air and Hoseok chuckled at his response with eyebrows raised slightly. “Hot biker? You never call me that one, kid. I think I like your friend more than you,”

“Shut up,” Changkyun gave an exasperated sigh, forgetting to reply to Hyungwons question due to the distraction of the teasing.

Hoseok gave a soft laugh and shifted his weight on the concrete before addressing his friend. “Hey, Lanky, wanna come round mine sometime?”

Immediately Changkyun could tell Hyungwon tensed up beside him, suddenly uncomfortable with the flirting, and he knew his best friend would be thinking of about a million ways to get away from the current situation as fast as he possibly could.

For as long as he could remember Chankgyun had accommodated his best friends weird reaction to interactions with people that weren’t him or his Professors, offering helpful excuses for when the fawning girls and occasional boy tried to get his attention on campus with flirty eyelash flutters and sultry smiles. It never worked, and so despite his overwhelmingly handsome features and perfect proportions Hyungwon never found himself in a relationship. The thought never bothered Changkyun, he tended not to think about it much, instead helping his friend avoid the uncomfortable encounters with quick excuses and curt smiles.

“Hoseok-” He began, fully prepared to defend his friend, but the older boy was apparently on a roll and kept running his mouth with a grin on his face.

“You’re pretty cute, if I’m honest. Maybe even cuter than Changkyun here-”

“Hoseok. Stop,” The younger boy was surprised at the authority in his voice and so was Hoseok, apparently, for he took a second to glance at him with wide eyes after his speech was cut off.

“Ah, I’m sorry kid,” He relaxed his posture when he saw that Changkyun was actually serious and not just playing around, voice apologetic. He took a step forward and held out a hand to Hyungwon. “Name’s Hoseok, nice to meet you. Thanks for taking care of my kid for me when I’m not around,”

Changkyun found it very hard not to react to such a possessive pronoun – what did Hoseok mean, _his_ kid?

Hyungwon looked a little confused as to why he was being thanked but he shook Hoseok’s hand anyway, their skin contrasting in the bright light of the shop behind them and Hyungwon’s skinny fingers swamped by Hoseok’s muscular ones. “It’s.. it’s no problem, really. I’m Hyungwon, Chae Hyungwon. Changkyun’s best friend,”

“Yes, I know,” Hoseok grinned and tilted his head to the side as he pulled away from the hand shake. “Are you by any chance a literature student Hyungwon?”

His best friend straightened up a little at the suggestion and gave a curt nod. “Well, yeah, I am,”

“You sound like one,”

“What does _that_ mean?”

“Why are you here Hoseok?” Changkyun interrupted their conversation by directing the questions back to Hoseok, having observed their dynamic and decided that any more talking between them probably wouldn’t end very well. He refused to be disappointed, however, since he had almost known their personalities would clash without having to see it happen right in front of his eyes.

“Was out with Jooheon,” He shrugged as he pulled the lollipop from his mouth. “Well, I say out but I was just having a go at him. Just so happened the bar is a couple doors down and I parked my bike right here,” He patted the black leather behind him with a grin on his face.

“What d’you want?”

“Besides from your friend to stop looking at me like I murdered his entire family?” Hoseok raised his eyebrows and Changkyun could only glance at his best friend, eyes taking in his stormy expression and closed off stance, before turning back to face the older boy when he spoke again. “Come back to mine,”

“Now?”

“Why not?” The older boy grinned. “I have drinks, and frosties. What more could you want from a Monday evening?”

Changkyun was one the verge of agreeing, a little breathless at the thought of another night in Hoseok’s apartment and chest full of longing, but with a sinking feeling in his stomach he realised his best friend was still stood beside him and he was usually a bad friend most of the time but he wasn’t about to leave him alone so suddenly. That was crossing the line. “I.. Hoseok, I would love to, but I’m shopping with Hyungwon right now and I don’t think-"

“Go,”

“What?” Changkyun turned to gape at his friend.

“Just go,”

Changkyun frowned at the blunt tone of his voice, a little worried he might be mad. “Wonnie?”

“I know you want to hang out with him,” His best friend seemed to take a deep breath before turning to meet him with a small smile. “So go, I don’t mind,”

“Won’t you be lonely?”

“Me, lonely? Talking to you is like talking to a brick wall unless we’re talking about muscle man over here,” Hyungwon laughed softly and Changkyun felt his stomach contract with guilt. He didn’t mean to be so disengaged all the time, it wasn’t his fault he had a hard time focusing on the real world. “Go. Have fun. Not too much fun though, make sure you stay safe,”

“I always keep him safe,” Hoseok attempted to reassure his friend with a friendly smile.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Hyungwon shot him a look. Changkyun had never heard his best friend sound so scathing. “You got him to start smoking. I’m talking to Changkyun,”

Hoseok seemed taken aback from the blunt accusation and was left a little speechless, the brief silence allowing the younger boy to turn back to his best friend and shrug a little in response. “I'll be safe brother, don’t worry about me,”

“Then go,” Hyungwon grinned. “I trust you,”

“Are you sure?”

"Yes! Leave before I change my mind,” He laughed softly and Changkyun felt his chest once again fill with something close to excitement. “Have a great evening with your boyfriend,”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Changkyun rolled his eyes but Hyungwon proceeded to raise his eyebrows knowingly.

“He’s not my- Oh, never fucking mind,” He let out an exasperated sigh. “Thanks brother,”

“No problem Kyunie. Remember you have that assignment due tomorrow, yeah?”

He grimaced at the thought of it, the book filled backpack slung across his shoulder suddenly seeming a whole lot heavier than it had been a few seconds ago. “Ah, shit, don’t remind me,”

“Goodluck. I'll see you tomorrow,” Hyungwon gave a short laugh and small wave of farewell as he took a step back from where all three of them were standing.

“Don’t worry Lanky, I’ll make sure the kid does his homework,” Hoseok chuckled and Changkyun turned to look at where he was stood only to find he’d already managed to pull himself up onto the leather seat of his bike and was looking at him in expectation.

“I’m not a fucking kid,” Changkyun mumbled as he moved to sling his leg around the bike in a manoeuvre he had almost perfected by now – his boot only got caught on the leather once and the scuff was hardly noticeable. From where he sat on the bike his backpack hung off one shoulder and he snaked his arms around Hoseok’s torso in a familiar action, trying to ignore how comforting it felt to have the warmth of the older boy so close to his body.

“Sure you aren’t. Wave goodbye to your bestest friend now Kyunie? You won’t miss him too much will you?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Changkyun mumbled but he smiled a little at the teasing, glancing up at where his friend was left alone on the pavement with the bustling shoppers and Christmas lights, plastic bag in his hand and unreadable expression on his face. The familiar hum of the engine kicked into gear as Hoseok pushed the kickstand and revved the accelerator, the loud noise causing a few passersby to turn their heads in curiously just like always.

All of a sudden Hyungwon spoke over the loud rumble of the engine with a frown. “What do I tell your mum?”

“That I’m round yours studying again?” Changkyun broke into a grin when Hyungwon gave a nod in agreement and offered a wave. He waved back before wrapping his arm back around Hoseok who seemed to be scanning the road to the left of them for the right opportunity to pull out. “Thanks brother. See you tomorrow!”

He didn’t hear Hyungwons reply, however, for Hoseok had already pulled on the handle with one sharp movement and they soon sped into the road, leaving his best friend on the pavement behind him. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As soon as they got back to the apartment, Changkyun didn’t do his usual routine of wandering into the messy flat without so much as a glance at the now familiar furniture, the smell of booze strong yet comforting, the lingering taste of smoke a welcome feeling on his tongue rather than a foreign one. He didn’t stand there, uncomfortable and shaking and a little off kilter, skittish in his thoughts and unsure in his approach to conversation.

No, Changkyun wasn’t like that today.

Instead, the second they’d both crossed the threshold and the door had shut behind them he turned to Hoseok and poked him in the chest with an accusatory finger, watching as he took a step back in surprise.

“Why were you like that with Hyungwon?”

Hoseok righted his posture as he placed his keys on the table and ran a hand through his hair, shifting his weight onto one leg as Changkyun watched him feign innocence. Even as he went to speak again the younger boy could see him struggle not to let his face fall into his familiar grin. “Like what?”

“You know what,” Changkyun narrowed his eyes. “All scary and mean,”

“I wasn’t being scary and mean,” Hoseok's voice was annoyingly calm and he seemed almost amused by the younger boys reaction.

“Yes you were. Well, to him at least,”

The older boy’s brow knit into a frown and his face screwed up in confusion. “Wait, kid, do you not find me scary and mean?”

“No,” 

He raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. “Not even a little bit?” 

“No,” Changkyun said pointedly. He couldn't even remember why he was mad in the first place, he just knew the older boy was trying to rile him up and the annoying thing was that is was working.

“Hmm..” All of a sudden Hoseok grinned seemed to make a split second decision to move closer, an amused expression present on his face as he approached the younger boy in the dim light of the apartment. Up close his face looked softer, the rough aura that came from his combined piercings, hair and leather jacket fading into the background as his eyelashes danced in the artificial light and the mischievous glint in his eye made Changkyun breath catch in his throat.

“How about now?” Hoseok grinned, head tilted ever so slightly to make up for their height difference. Beforehand Changkyun had never really noticed that Hoseok was just a little bit taller than him, but in that very moment it seemed like the most important thing in the world.

“Fuck off Hoseok,” Changkyun narrowed his eyes in defiance but his voice wasn’t quite as impactful as he would have liked.

“How about.. now?”

All of a sudden Hoseok wasn’t staring at him from where he was stood just in front of him, but there was this weird feeling on his neck as hot air blew across his skin and sent tingles down his spine. His voice was amplified through his proximity, breath ghosting past his ear and across the top of his jawline.

He was completely frozen. Hoseok was closer than he’d ever been voluntarily, without the aid of alcohol or high of whatever the younger boy had smoked those few days ago and it was absolutely terrifying but the fear was _amazing._

Hoseok’s hands were hovering above his waist, almost as if they were looking for permission to take hold of his torso, and while Changkyun was finding it hard to process exactly what was happening through the muddle of his thoughts and a weird feeling pooling right at the bottom of his stomach he knew that if he stepped into the boys arms he would lose whatever game they were playing.

Changkyun refused to let the older boy win.

He pushed him away with the flat of his palms, disgruntled and a little flustered, but was more than a little irked when Hoseok simply laughed and took off his jacket, seemingly unfazed by the entire ordeal when Changkyun was finding it a little hard to breathe and his face was definitely redder than usual. Why was the other boy being so forward of a sudden? Sure, even before the kiss they’d definitely flirted but it seemed as if the atmosphere had changed, and while Hoseok had been somewhat brash before it didn’t equate to the lingering feeling of warm breath on his neck that had caused a shiver to run down his spine.

“Why did you bring me here again?”

“I dunno. Figured we could hang out? Maybe talk a bit?” Hoseok shrugged, throwing his jacket just by the small table next to the door before running a hand through his hair. As he kept talking Changkyun couldn’t help the smile that pulled at the corner of his lips as he realised his roots were significantly more prominent than they had been a month ago and the younger boy found himself wondering what he would look like with all dark hair instead of the bleached blonde. Maybe softer, more approachable even. “I was a little hungover on Saturday, you left without really saying much and I kinda wanna like.. discuss some some things, you know?”

“What things?”

“Things,”

“Oh,” The younger boy felt his brow knit together in a mix of confusion and concern and he couldn’t help the tug of anxiety at the undisclosed subject of this so-called ‘talk’. Was it about the kiss a couple of days ago? Was Hoseok about to sit him down and tell him he’d never get involved with some young college student who couldn’t even remember his own fucking shoes?

When Changkyun had told him the morning after the party that he wouldn’t kiss him again, the statement had been more than half hearted. Not only had Hoseok been incredibly hung over – suspiciously so, more than a glass of wine and martini should have made him – but when they’d both sat in relative silence and eaten their frosties with dry mouths and pounding headaches he didn’t even think the older boy was capable of processing exactly what he had been saying, let alone remember it.

Now that he thought about it, had Hoseok even shown any signs of even knowing Changkyun was there that morning? He’d seemed so out of it, he wouldn’t be surprised if after making both bowls of cereal and curling up on the couch he’d ignored the quiet apology that had spilled from the younger boys mouth and only acknowledged his presence with a groggy mention of seeing him soon just as he was about to leave the door.

Oh God, what if Hoseok wanted to kiss him again? Is that really what he wanted to talk about?

“Is there a problem with that?” Hoseok raised a questioning eyebrow at the lack of response from the younger boy and he quickly shook his head.

“No,” He smiled, and he couldn’t hide the small excitement in his voice because he was pretty sure he wanted to talk about the kiss and the whole idea matched with his overtly flirty nature of the evening so far and holy shit, what if he wanted to do _more_? “We can talk,”

Hoseok didn’t reply and instead offered a grin before beginning to make his way over to the kitchen area, stepping around the jacket he’d only just thrown on the floor and a slightly dented can laying empty on its side.

“You smell like vodka, by the way,” Changkyun pointed out as he made his way over to the coffee table, slinging his backpack from where it was digging grooves into the soft skin of his shoulder even through the fabric of his jumper and placing it at the foot of the couch. After a second of deliberation he chose to kneel on the floor instead of sitting on the plush cushions, wanting to actually work and not just let his books collect even more dust on the coffee table.

The older boy shrugged and made his way over to the opened the fridge door. “Had some this morning. Didn’t drink out with Jooheon ‘cos he wouldn’t let me, the little shit,” He laughed softly. “Speaking of which, I really need a fucking drink. Want some?”

Changkyun felt his face pull into a grin as he reached his hand into his bag and pulled out two textbooks and a notepad – corners dog-eared despite the lack of use and coffee stain present on the back cover – and dusted away the flecks of ash on the table in order to push them on to the wood. “Is that a trick question?”

“Don’t fucking mock me kid,” Hoseok laughed and there came the sound of glass knocking against each other as he supposedly pulled out two bottles. “Do your work and then I’ll let you have some,”

“I’m already doing it, old guy,” Changkyun laughed, looking up at the older boy with a grin as he made his way around to sit on the couch just behind him and gestured to where his notebook lay open in front of him with his textbooks pushed to the side. “I’m a shit student but if I don’t do one more assignment I will fail, like, my only fucking subject,”

Hoseok let out a soft laugh and shook his head in fond disbelief, placing an unopened bottle just at the edge of the table and taking a swig from the open one in his hand. Changkyun supposed the alcohol he’d just given to him was meant to be saved for later, after he’d done some work, and while usually the younger boy might have protested at this policing and argued to be allowed a drink before he began taking notes he really didn’t think he’d get anything done even just a little intoxicated, not with Hoseok’s breath still warm on his neck and a headache already aching in his temples.

They fell into a natural silence as Changkyun busied himself with his work, pen scratching on paper as he cross referenced stills from old movies nobody really cared about anymore but apparently held a lot of importance in the cinematic world while Hoseok sat just behind him, the only indication of his presence coming from the gentle slosh of liquid against glass as he raised the bottle to his lips and supposedly took a swig.

“You seem a lot happier today,” Hoseok seemed to speak his observation out loud, his voice soft like the thought had absentmindedly crossed over into actual words instead of just being contained in his head.

“Well I’m not here ‘cos I wanted to die again, am I?” A wry smile settled on his face as he turned the page of his textbook.

“I guess not,” The chuckle from behind him was more than a little amused. “How does that shit work anyway?”

“What, wanting to die?”

“Yeah,”

Changkyun shrugged as he ran a finger along one of the paragraphs in the book. “I dunno. It’s weird. D’you really wanna know?”

“Yeah kid. Tell me, I’m all ears,”

After a second of thinking about exactly how he was going to answer the question he sat back on his heel and turned to face Hoseok, pen held loosely in his right hand.

“Okay. Okay, hmm, It’s like sometimes.. sometimes I’m almost okay. Like today. I went to college, got through classes, went out shopping with a friend. And the thoughts kind of linger but they’re right at the back of my mind, so even though they’re there I won’t.. do anything,” He frowned as he fiddled with his pen. “And then, sometimes they kinda just.. overwhelm me. I.. I get all shaky and cold and nothing really matters and I’m just a worthless piece of shit really so might as well die to top it all off, you know? The thoughts are just.. everywhere, so I tend to forget stupid things like my shoes or what day it is even if I checked two seconds ago,” 

“Why does it happen?”

“There’s no real reason. People always ask me for a reason but.. I don’t have one. I just do,” He shrugged a little in response. There was a pause where the only sound was the hum of traffic from outside the window, and Changkyun decided to glance over his shoulder with a grin to lighten the mood. “But it’s okay. This is a good day. No jumping off bridges for the foreseeable future, am I right?”

“I hope so kid. Don’t wanna lose you too soon, you’re fun to have around,” Hoseok grinned and they both knew it was a joke, but something about the way his stare stayed unwavering from where he had locked eyes with Changkyun left the younger boy with the feeling that his chest was trying to crawl it’s way out of his mouth.

He cleared his throat and turned back to the notes in front of him. “You said you were with Jooheon earlier today, right? How is he?”

“Um, okay?” Hoseok laughed softly and there came the scratch of nails against glass as he picked at the label of the bottle. “We talked about you,”

“What about me?” The younger boy frowned at the paragraph in front of him because what the fuck did it mean, using different frame rates for consecutive shots to show contrast in different mindsets? At this point it would almost be easier to drop out of college, none of this shit was making any sense.

“Stuff,” The lilt in his voice told Changkyun he was smiling somewhat fondly. “And I got mad at him about Minhyuk, told him to keep him as far away from you as possible. Might have called him a ‘little gay frat boy' with a ‘fucked up boyfriend’ but whatever, its in the past now,”

Changkyun laughed and shook his head, all thoughts about the notes before him disappearing in favour of his disbelief at the older boy. “You're a terrible best friend,”

“Kid, I'll have you know I'm the fucking best friend anybody could ever have,”

“Whatever you say,” He flicked the page of his textbook and shifted on the floor to give Hoseok his full attention, using a pointed tone of voice to convey just what he thought about the entire situation. “Anyway, you shouldn't be mad at him. Or Minhyuk. It was my fault,”

“He offered,”

“I accepted,”

“Hmm,” Hoseok’s lips pressed together into a thin line and Changkyun didn’t think he’d ever seen the other boy so discontent. His face stayed bitter as he pushed himself up from the couch and gave a small stretch of his legs, leaning forward to place his almost empty bottle on the table. If he hadn't of kept talking right at that moment Changkyun might have been a little concerned at just how fast he'd drank the liquor. “Anyway, I’m gonna go clean up, okay kid? We can like, talk after or whatever,”

The younger boy was somewhat glad for the change in subject. It seemed that both of the boys were glazing over exactly what had happened at Haneuls and he was glad – it had been fun at the time but it was still not something he wanted to dwell on.

“What do you wanna talk about?” He asked, curiosity colouring his tone. “Is it serious?”

“Maybe?” Hoseok shrugged as he made his way around the edge of the couch.

If it was serious, did he want to talk about what had happened at during the party instead? He had obviously been upset at the mention of Changkyun smoking, was he about to lecture him on why he shouldn't have done what he did? If so, the younger boy was not in the mood.

“What is it?” He asked again and this time his voice almost sounded pleading.

“Chill, you’ll find out when I find the courage to tell you,” Hoseok teased. What did that mean? What topic of conversation required so much courage that even Hoseok was scared to engage in it? “Give me a sec, I’ll be back. Pretty sure this shirt has three fucking stains on it so I’m gonna change before it gets a fourth,” He laughed softly to himself and was out of the room before Changkyun could ask any more probing questions.

It was weird because Hoseok never put him off on his requests, instead choosing to answer to whatever he was asking after only a few encouraging questions, but for some reason he’d left Changkyun alone on the floor of his flat without so much as an idea of the subject of whatever he was wanting to talk about and the whole situation left a bitter taste in his mouth.

It was strange – Changkyun really didn’t like being told no.

He sat and worked for a few minutes, head down and pen moving along the paper with his hand, scattered brain trying desperately to pull together fragments of complete sentences so he could at least get a passing grade. It wasn’t working well for him, however, and pretty soon his mind was pondering things unrelated to camera angles or different types of shots.

The fact that he was in Hoseok’s apartment without feeling a little shaky or breathless at the prospect of cold water beneath him, little threads caught under his fingernails or feet bare a little bruised, was almost exciting. Not only was he able to have a conversation with the older boy and not be distracted by his intrusive thoughts but it was almost like he was any other college kid, hanging out with his friends on a Monday night, studying for a subject he’d rather drop and talking about mundane things like best friends or college classes. It was weird but he liked it, this kind of normalcy, partly because it was obvious Hoseok wanted to spend time with him and that made him happier then he'd been in a while.

Was this friendship, or maybe something more? Did Hoseok even want anything more?

The headache that had been creeping up on him before was now making it hard to focus on the page in front of him and there was this weird hollow feeling just below his chest. He didn’t like the way the words on the page in front of him blurred together but he knew he couldn’t stop, because despite the tempting idea of doing something maybe a little reckless - his ear might look cool with another piercing, and his hair was fading enough to warrant another dye – and the unopened bottle standing tall beside him on the table, Changkyun knew that the minute he stopped working he’d never get any more of it done and he would definitely fail college. Or at least get a disappointing stare from his Professor when he turned up tomorrow and then have to listen to his Therapist detail why staying on top of his work was important because it was a useful way to remind him that he was real and if he could just get through college everything would all be alright.

They both knew that was a lie, but the truth remained unspoken.

All of a sudden his head gave a throb and he let out a small sigh. This was pointless – he couldn’t work with such a pounding headache. Where was Hoseok? He was in his room, right? Changkyun had never seen the door to his bedroom open beside from the night he went and got the bleach from in there, but he supposed that’s where the older boy would go to change his top and clean up a little.

There was paracetamol on the cupboard above the sink, right? Changkyun remembered the little boxes that had been stacked on the shelves from the morning after they pierced his ear and he supposed they would help at least take away the edge of the pain.

With a sigh he pushed himself up from where he was working – pen strewn to one side of his relatively blank paper and book open on the wrong page – before making his way around the edge of the couch, over a can lying by the lamp and out into the small corridor that led to the bathroom.

When he stepped around the corner, however, he wasn’t met just by the view of the cramped room – bright lights, small sink and slightly orange bathtub. Instead he let out a small gasp and froze just in the doorway, completely taken aback by the sight in front of his eyes.

Hoseok was stood in the middle of the small bathroom, back towards Changkyun with his white top in one hand while the other scratched the back of his neck, seemingly looking for something on the tiled floor below him. Changkyun supposed he was trying to find the other piece of clothing hung on the wrack just beside the bath but he didn’t have the voice to tell him, frozen in the doorway at the sight of his bare back and wide shoulders. His skin was pale, smooth even as the artificial light illuminated the grooves of his muscle and the way his tendons moved under his skin.

“Changkyun?” 

The younger boy was brought back to reality when Hoseok spoke his name, tone surprised, but Changkyun was still frozen in the doorway, eyes wide and all thoughts of reaching behind the cupboard on the sink for a couple of painkillers lost in his shock.

Because Hoseok's skin was pale, but only where there wasn’t a tattoo etched into his skin.

There were more than a few – enough to warrant a disapproving look from any adult in Seoul who might see them, but there weren’t so many as to create a confusing mosaic across his skin. They were delicate; one on his chest, scrawling words across his ribcage, a splash of colour on his back and ink on his bicep.

“What are you doing?” Hoseok seemed to be trying to appear casual, but something in the expression of his face seemed wary, maybe even a little vulnerable.

“I’m sorry, I thought you’d be changing in your room-”

“Why are you here?” The older boy spoke over him and his voice was strangely quiet.

“I just came to get some painkillers,” Changkyun gestured loosely to the cupboard above the sink but didn't take his eyes off the other boy looking startled under the bright light of the bathroom.

Hoseok didn’t say anything and the younger boy watched as he folded his top awkwardly in his hands and turned to place it on the edge of the bath. 

“They’re beautiful,”

“What?” Hoseok turned back to him with wide eyes.

Changkyun gestured to his bare torso. “Your tattoos. They’re beautiful,”

“..Thank you,” His voice was quieter than Changkyun had ever heard it, bordering on a whisper, completely sincere. There was no evidence of teasing or playful grins, Hoseok was stood a few metres in front of Changkyun with an almost vulnerable expression and his muscular frame seemed to be folding in on himself – not standoffish in nature, but rather fragile instead.

“Can I look at them?” Changkyun risked the question.

Hoseok pulled a face but didn’t meet his eyes. “I don’t think that's a good idea,”

“Please?”

“Sorry kid. My tattoos, they.. they’re personal. I don’t.. I don’t usually let people see, you know?”

There was a brief pause in which silence settled over the cramped bathroom but it wasn’t comfortable like before. There was something untold in the air between them, and Changkyun could feel nerves tug at his stomach as he assessed the situation but the slight fear was enticing. He was curious, and as Hoseok went to speak again he found himself wondering just why he was so closed off all of a sudden.

“I was going to talk to you about it anyway,” He explained further, almost reluctantly, and he couldn’t seem to meet the younger boys eyes. “I figured, like.. we kissed, yeah?”

Changkyun tried to maintain his composure through a brief nod but his breath was caught in his throat because, fuck, Hoseok really did want to talk about the kiss and the whole idea of breaching the subject made anxiety twist in his stomach.

“And like.. like I was thinking, if that kiss turned into anything.. more,” He glanced up at Changkyun almost as if he was gauging his reaction. “Then I’d want you to, you know, be prepared for the art on my body and not be all shocked in the moment or whatever,”

Changkyun almost blushed because, holy shit, was Hoseok implying what he thought he was implying?

“Is that.. weird?”

“What, weird? No, no, I’m thankful,” Changkyun tried to smile but his brain was going a million miles an hour. He couldn’t believe what Hoseok was saying and not only did it surprise him, but it also enticed him. “That you thought of me that much, that is,”

“Like.. I’m not saying it’ll go any further because I have no idea how you feel.. but like.. I..” Hoseok sighed a little. “Just in case, you know?”

“Just in case,” Changkyun grinned, unable to contain his excitement. “Can I.. can I see them then?”

“What, my tattoos?”

“Yeah,”

“You know I never say no to you kid,” There was an exasperated sigh but the edge was teasing. “C’mhere then, you can see ‘em. But be gentle, okay? I’m a fragile old soul,” The tone of his voice and slight grin on his face made it seem as if he was joking, but there was something in the way his eyes crinkled and voice wavered that made a little pull of anxiety tug at Changkyun’s stomach.

He disregarded that uncertain feeling however, instead choosing to grin and step closer, marvelling in the older boys wide shoulders and smooth skin with little things drawn on it. Now that he was closer there weren’t as many as he’d originally thought but he was still overwhelmed by the choices.

“Where do I start?”

Hoseok laughed softly but gave a somewhat shy shrug. “Wherever you want,”

Changkyun took a second to scan over his chest before walking around where the older boy was stood – hands by his side, staring at the wall in front of him – and he caught sight of a splash of colour on his back that immediately drew his attention. Upon closer inspection he found it to be an image of what looked like a branch of cherry blossoms printed along the gentle slope of his back between his shoulder blade and right shoulder.

“It's so pretty..” He mumbled his thoughts aloud in awe, taken aback by the delicate piece because it was so unlike what he was expecting. There were no graphic skulls or dangerous fonts unlike his biker demeanor would imply – no, it seemed under the leather jacket and confident aura he was just as soft as everybody else.

The cherry blossoms were somewhat Avant Garde, the petals subtle pinks and purples and the branch tinted a faint maroon. Where there was black it was subtle, not intrusive, weaving throughout the piece and tying the whole thing together in thin little lines and gentle sloping curves instead of disrupting the pastel hues, the outline of the piece creating the perfect contrast between the petals and his pale skin.

“Can I.. can I touch it?”

“Go ahead kid,”

He didn’t need any more encouragement, bringing up his hand and placing the pad of his index finger right at the top of the branch, just by one of the pink petals. Hoseok didn’t tense under his touch and instead allowed him to trace the delicate outline of the tattoo, pale skin smooth under his skirting fingertips, body firm and warm. He was in awe at the little details of the piece – the tiny flicks at the centre of the blossoming flowers and the grainy texture of the branch were so beautifully artistic it left him in complete awe.

“What does it mean?” Changkyun asked softly as he continued to trace the spindly branches.

“Nothing really, I just think it's pretty,” The lilt in the older boys voice told him he was smiling and he could see the crinkle of his eyes even when stood behind him. “I knew somebody once, their favourite flower was the cherry blossom,”

“They must have been important to you,”

“Mmm,” Hoseok hummed under his breath but didn’t say anything else.

Changkyun dragged his fingers away from the cherry blossom to find printed black words just at the side of his ribcage, visible from underneath where his arm hung and wrapping around his back. Each letter was carefully stencilled English, written in a font that would have looked more at home on a computer screen and not on skin, the rounded words of the complicated Western language startlingly black against his pale side.

“Is this a quote?” Curiosity coloured the younger boys tone as he let his finger trace the first word. With his limited knowledge of English he could vaguely recall how to read it, but he was even more confused when he realised it said ‘And’. Didn’t that word usually join sentences, not start them?

“Yeah. It’s from an English poem,”

“I didn’t know you read poems,” Changkyun laughed softly and he tilted his head, unable to discern what the rest of the quote meant. “Did you study Literature at college or something?”

“Nah,” He laughed softly at the suggestion. “I was far too stupid for that. I took art, actually,”

“Woah, you were an artist?”

“Mhmm,” He chuckled at his response, and for some reason all of a sudden Changkyun could just see the older boy in one of the art classrooms, paint on his cheek and ruffled hair, bags under his eyes from one too many coffees and laughing with his friends. The carefree nature of an artist just seemed to fit Hoseok – a little reckless from lack of income, a little rebellious against what society expected – and he felt a smile pull at his cheeks as he asked another burning question.

“How come you never told me?”

“There's a lot of things I haven’t told you kid,” Hoseok laughed softly, and when he spoke again his voice was a little quiet. “Besides, I don’t draw anymore. It’s not important,”

“You should show me your art sometime,” Changkyun mumbled.

“I’d rather not,” His voice was firm and he didn't turn around to meet Changkyun’s eyes as he traced his finger around the first word inked on his back a few more times than necessary.

The brief silence redirected his attention back to the quote and he posed another question in that curious tone of his.

“What does it mean?”

Hoseok took a second to reply. “I only know the loose translation, ‘cos obviously it wasn’t in Korean.. but like.. the poem is about this person, yeah, and he had two ways to die? One at his own hand and the other by his friends. And like.. he chose the second one, but he spends the rest of his life wondering if he made the right decision. It’s all very metaphorical, I think, but I really liked the meaning,”

“That’s.. deep,”

“I guess so,”

Changkyun was almost afraid to ask why a poem like that had spoken to him and so, instead of probing even further into the words printed across the side of his ribcage, he instead chose to drag his finger further down his back to where there was another full black tattoo, smaller than the other one, slightly off centre and almost tucked below the hem of his jeans. It looked to be a smiley face, like one a child would draw while still in primary school and expect to get a gold star, except the eyes had been replaced with rather scribbled crosses. Changkyun didn’t trace the outline of this one like he had done with the others but simply left his fingers tips pressing into the smooth skin of his back as he spoke again.

“What's this one?”

“The smiley face?” Hoseok laughed softly but his body stayed still, back still turned to Changkyun. “I got a little too drunk one time,”

“It's kinda cute,” He smiled because it was true, the black scribbles almost childlike against his pale skin.

“It was meant to be badass,” Changkyun let out a laugh at the amused regret in his tone before the older boy interrupted his thoughts with a question. “Do you like them?”

“They’re so cool. I’ve always wanted tattoos,”

“I should take you to get one sometime,”

“Mhmm..” Changkyun smiled and nodded in agreement because wouldn’t that just be the most exciting evening? He doubted at this point he’d even have to get drunk to try something as reckless as getting a tattoo, the anticipation and fear already buzzing in his veins just at the suggestion.

Slowly, carefully, Changkyun began to trail his fingers from his back around to his arm where there was lettering just across his bicep, dancing the pads of his index and middle finger over the plains of his skin like it was a little man walking along a road. Now the younger boy was stood just to the side of Hoseok, having worked his way around the tattoos on his back onto the one on his arm, and he found himself faced with the same scrawling ink that he had noticed the first night he’d met the older boy, the one he’d hidden by the piece of cloth tied around his arm as a fashion accessory the night of the party.

“ _Four-teen.. tw.. twelve.._ ” He frowned, sounding out the letters in the best broken English he could muster. “What does that mean?”

“It’s a date,” Hoseok said simply.

Changkyun frowned as his fingers paused where they were tracing the looping letters, the fancy font consisting of italicized words and little flicks at the end of each alphabet. “A date?”

“Yeah. The fourteenth of December,”

“Oh,” The knit of Changkyun’s brow grew deeper. “That’s so soon. What happened on the fourteenth of December?”

Hoseok didn’t shift on his feet like people who were nervous did, although the way he trained his eyes on the tiled floor instead of tilting his head to meet Changkyun’s gaze were reminiscent of somebody a little on edge. “Something I don’t like to be reminded of,”

“Like?”

“Like a time when I was happy,”

The silence of the room grew thick after that, and instead of attempting to wade through the mystery of the older boys cryptic words with more probing questions he let the atmosphere dissipate by moving round to focus on his chest. If Hoseok had wanted to elaborate on the subject matter then he would have, and something about the intense way the older boy watched him move told him to drop the subject simply through his gaze.

There only seemed to be one tattoo left on his front, no graffiti words or stencilled dragons, and Changkyun was rather sad to be approaching the end of the artwork already. He quite liked feeling the warmth of Hoseok’s skin under his fingertips, quite liked being able to see behind his usually confident demeanour to expose what was underneath. 

The final tattoo was inked across his right chest, above the dip of his lower breast and just to the side of the sternum. It looked to be a shield of some kind, the main bulk of the tattoo black and the only colour of the piece present in the wings that swooped either side and the bird head that rose from the top. Inside the shield looked to be Roman letters, the alphabet not spelling out any word Changkyun knew how to pronounce and so he assumed it wasn’t English – probably another European language, perhaps Latin by the ancient font it was written in. There were these intense patterns and spirals inside the border that gave almost a regal feel to the artwork, vines snaking their way through the shield and the occasional flower blooming between thorns. 

"Is this a crest?” He asked curiously, fingers dragging along the feathered wings of the tattoo.

"Mhmm. It's the crest of Dagsuli, do you know what that is?"

Changkyun frowned a little as he thought about the question. "Is it.. is it the crest of the Eagle?”

"Yeah,” Hoseok smiled a little, looking at Changkyun with an unreadable expression. “Do you like it?"

"Its.. it's so intricate," He admitted, and it was true – the little vines in the shield were incredibly detailed and the smooth feathers of the wings almost seemed real against the pale skin of his chest.

"Yeah," Hoseok’s smile took on a somewhat fond aura although his voice was tinged with what the younger boy could only describe as sadness. "Me and Jooheon have matching ones,"

"Woah.."

"Him and.. and the rest of my old group of.. friends," The way he said it was weird and Hoseok was looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face, almost like he was gauging his reaction, waiting for something to click.

"Friends?" Changkyun frowned and glanced up at the older boy. 

There was a pause, and Hoseok seemed to look directly in Changkyun’s eyes during his brief hesitation before making the decision to speak again.

"Members,"

"Oh," All of a sudden it dawned on Changkyun exactly what he meant. " _Oh,_ "

His hand was frozen on his chest as his mouth fell open in something close to surprise, searching Hoseok’s eyes for more answers as the older boy stared at the air just beside his head. "You.. you were.."

"Not quite,” He spoke quietly, voice uncertain in its words. “We.. we were close to each other. We did stupid shit sometimes,"

Changkyun couldn’t believe it. Hoseok – his Hoseok – in some kind of.. member orientated group? Wasn’t that just a gang?

Was Hoseok even capable of something like that?

It didn’t seem so to Changkyun for the older boy was far too gentle and kind, and despite the incessant teasing Hoseok had never hurt him, not once. He couldn’t ever imagine Hoseok doing anything bad that wasn’t speeding on his bike or swearing three times in one sentence, the idea of being so wrapped up in some kind of gang that he was willing to get a tattoo for them was.. terrifying, to say the least.

"It wasn't healthy,” Hoseok continued, still avoiding his gaze. “We got these.. we got these to show our loyalty after it had been a couple months,"

"What happened?" The younger boys voice was barely audible.

"I don't... Can you just do your work now please? I don't wanna-"

"Hoseok,"

The older boy stared at the tiled wall of the bathroom, seemingly ignoring Changkyun when he spoke over his words.

"Hoseok?" The younger boy tried again, and this time he got a response, albeit a reluctant one.

"Yeah kid?"

"What happened? I... I want to know. I want to know about you,"

There was this long pause where Hoseok looked at him, a little surprised and maybe a little hopeful. "You do?"

"Yeah, I do. I want to know. Tell me,"

Changkyun was expecting the older boy to continue being just as closed off as before – maybe give a brooding sigh or step away from the hand on his chest – but all of a sudden his lips broke out into a small smile and it lit up his face almost immediately. "That's unfair,"

"Hmm?” Changkyun frowned at the sudden change in atmosphere.

"You asking. Using that voice. You know I never say no to you kid,"

"I know," He too began to smile. "Got you wrapped round my little finger,"

“It’s a real problem,” Hoseok laughed softly and shook his head but the fondness didn’t last long. His face fell and he let out a small sigh, seemingly retreating back into his shell without so much as an answer.

"Look, Kid, I don't-"

"Please," Changkyun pleaded, and he saw Hoseok’s face screw up at the sound. "Let me in Hoseok. I think... I want to help you like you helped me,"

"I don't need help,"

"You need somebody to talk to," The younger boy insisted. “What happened? Why did you leave? How did you leave?"

For a second it looked as if he would dispute it and Changkyun knew that if he rejected his questions one more time he wouldn’t have it in himself to probe any further. There was this strange feeling of worry hooking his claws further into his throat with each passing moment as the situation dawned on him because, holy fuck, had Hoseok really just admitted to being in some kind of gang?

"Do you know Choi? Choi Donghyun?"

Hoseoks voice snapped him out of his thoughts and the younger boy was a little confused at the subject change but he gave a nod of response all the same. "Yeah, yeah Hoseok. Fuck, everybody knows Choi Donghyun. Wasn’t he the one who set a trap for the cops on a drugs bust and killed a bunch of them at the beginning of the year? It was like, the only thing on the news for months,"

"Mmm, yeah,” Hoseok smiled as he seemed to become lost in his thoughts. “He was a nice kid, Choi, always kept outta trouble. Knew him since primary school, sweet, mum made the best cookies..." There was a pause. "He was with me. In the group that is, we were close, having known each other through college. He was a great Eagle and he didn’t half know how to down a pint,”

Changkyun frowned a little at the strange vocabulary. “A great.. a great Eagle?”

“It’s what we called ourselves. Pathetic, isn’t it?” The older boy laughed softly but the sound was tainted with a bitterness that made his mouth twist into a wry smile. “We were all little kids with motorbikes and bad mouths, mad at the world for just being mediocre and we got wrapped up in all kinds of shit. Our motto was something fucking stupid about flying, I can’t fucking remember,”

Changkyun didn’t dare speak for fear of stopping him talking. Hoseok had never opened up this much to him and he was scared of disputing it, but he was also a little scared of the story he was telling.

“After I left, I.. I didn't talk to him again and the next thing I know he's on the fucking news for killing five cops. I dont.. I just.. he was a good kid Changkyun, but we all got fucked up together. We watched each other fall apart and didn’t do anything to stop it,"

Hoseok seemed to take a deep breath, eyes screwed up as if he was trying to remember something – or forget it. There was this aura of regret about him as his words grew strained and Changkyun held his breath as he continued to talk.

"It got bad, and so a few of us left. Jooheon and I included. I know my brother looks kinda scary and he’s a hell of a tough fighter but he couldn’t do it anymore either,"

The younger boy was too scared to ask what he couldn’t do anymore.

Hoseok exhaled slowly and Changkyun was suddenly struck by just how vulnerable he looked before him. Despite his wide shoulders, the dips of his muscles shadowed by the bright light above, tendons moving under the hand he had placed on his chest, there was this newfound feeling of fragility as he spoke again, voice quiet and maybe a little broken.

“Sometimes I just think that could’ve been us on the news, you know?”

"But it wasn't," Changkyun spoke softly.

"No, you're right," He smiled sadly at the thought. "It wasn’t,"

There was a brief lapse in conversation and all Changkyun could do was stare at the tattoo under his palm, taking in the little tufts of feathers and scrawling black lettering, mind racing too fast to even process what Hoseok had just told him because, holy shit, people don’t just tell you these things in real life. The things he was telling him didn't happen in real life, right?

"Are you scared of me now?"

Hoseok voice broke the silence and the younger boy felt his chest ache at the sound of it. His words were so vulnerable, quiet and yet already accepting of some fate he couldn’t understand, and as Changkyun dragged his eyes up to meet the older boys he saw the way they glinted under the bright light of the bathroom, expression guarded but still one of defeat.

"Scared of you?"

"Yeah. You.. you know shit now," He said softly, not breaking the eye contact. He spoke matter of factly, as if making statements and not asking a question. "This is the part where people get scared and run away,"

And all of a sudden, Changkyun's chest began to ache.

It was this weird hollow feeling and his mouth hung slightly parted as he searched for any kind of fear in his body. There was none, however, his nerves were because of the way his chest pressed into his palm and the sadness that pulled at his mind was a manifestation of just how fragile Hoseok looked before him.

He took a second to think about the question because he wanted to answer truthfully, not cough up a half hearted lie like usual and bury the guilt under his self-destructive thoughts. He wanted to be honest with Hoseok, whether that hurt him or not, because every time he had lied thus far it had only ended badly.

Was he scared of the older boy?

He supposed he felt uneasy about the story he had told, maybe a little taken aback by the shield on his chest or the fact that he had almost sympathised with one of the countries most hated men, but any emotion towards that man could be put down to the fact they grew up together, right? Hoseok wouldn’t sympathise with a murderer. He was far too kind, too gentle and caring over Changkyun to even think about that.

The image of Hoseok in some form of gang – perhaps running amok at night or holed up in dark dangerous rooms – it was enough to make his heart beat a little out of fear.

But the thing that stuck Changkyun in that moment was the fact that Hoseok wasn’t his past. Stood before him was not a gang member, or motorbike rider or older man trying to take advantage of him. This wasn’t a stranger he was sympathising with, but his friend, and friends didn’t give up on each other because of their flaws.

If that was the case, Hoseok would have given up on him the very first night he met.

Changkyun shook his head, having made his decision already and not wanting to hesitate any longer, the silence in the small bathroom heavy on both of their hearts.

"I'm not scared of you Hoseok. I could never be scared of you, "

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hoseok never let people see him.

They only ever got to see his outward appearance. The piercings, the bleached hair, the leather jackets and the flush of alcohol and the dirty words that spilled from his mouth but they never looked inside because he didn't let them. It was much more comforting to know they were scared of him because if they were scared of him they wouldn't get close to him.

But Changkyun wasn't scared, and that made Hoseok fucking terrified.

He was staring at his body with wide eyes, innocent in some ways but knowing in others, young but constantly plagued by the dangerous thoughts in his head and as Hoseok watched he trailed his hand around the shield on his chest once again, the pads of his fingers setting little fires across his exposed skin.

He felt so incredibly exposed and he wanted to get mad, say some shitty thing about cigarettes or offer to pierce his ear again just to take the attention away from the fact that the younger boy could finally see him for everything he was but he didn't. He stood there, stock still and unmoving, watching with baited breath as he waited for Changkyun to speak.

But the younger boy didn't say anything else, didn't choose to elaborate on his statement in any way. He simply stared at the tattoo, thinking the things he wasn't saying out loud, and it was making Hoseok’s fear grow overwhelming as he realised he might have said too much. He might have let him in. Opened the dams without a boat to ride the wave and he was a little scared he might be drowning.

All of a sudden there came a weird sensation along the side of his body, similar to the pinpricks that had lit up across his back and torso when Changkyun had unabashedly ran his fingertips all over his body like some kind of tease, but this time the feeling came from either side of him.

There were cold hands gliding over his skin and they left tingles as they wrapped around his torso, fingertips pressing into his back and a sudden warm pressure enveloping his bare chest.

It took a second for him to realise what was happening, and he was frozen in shock when he did.

Changkyun was hugging him.

It was tender, full of unspoken emotions, and Hoseok was too surprised to do anything but stare at the mess of orange hair as he rested his head on his shoulder.

“Hug me back loser,” The younger boy spoke and his words were teasing but voice surprisingly gentle.

So Hoseok hugged him back. Slowly wrapping his arms around his small body and feeling the soft material of his jumper as it rubbed his bare skin. The older boy was startled by how tiny and fragile he seemed in his arms because, despite his growing confidence and developing relationship with the older boy, he still seemed so vulnerable held close like this even though Changkyun was meant to be the one comforting him.

“Shut up kid, I’m no loser,” He grinned a little, the tense atmosphere already fading into just a memory.

“Yeah? Then I’m not a fucking kid,” The words were muffled by his skin and Hoseok could feel him smile against his shoulder.

All of a sudden there came this terrifying ache in Hoseok’s chest, a hollow pain more raw and real than the spike of an ink filled needle or blunt force of a punch.

And it was terrifying, because the last time he’d felt that same ache in his chest the person had left him and never come back.

Changkyun cleared his throat and stepped away, letting his arms hang by his side after pulling them back from his bare skin. Hoseok watched as he seemed to think about something for a minute, hesitating on his next words with mouth ever so slightly parted, before his voice sounded loud in the small bathroom.

"Is that.. is that why you drink?"

"What?" Hoseok's stomach dropped and he felt his body tense at the topic. There was no way Changkyun was asking him such a question – he had been discreet, right? He didn’t think he’d hinted at any kind of problem throughout their short friendship but apparently he’d been wrong.

"I saw you, at the party.. you.. you were really anxious for a drink, and, and I don't know if I've ever seen you sober-"

"I'm fine,"

"But-"

"Changkyun? I'm an adult. Adults don't have problems,"

A little part of him was pleading, please, please ask more. Ask him what's wrong, tell him he's not okay, see behind his own stubbornness. 

Because deep down Hoseok knew he wasn’t okay, and the thought scared him too much to admit it himself.

But then Changkyun gave a small smile and a tentative nod, and Hoseok felt the little hope that he might ask further slip through his own fingers like sand through an hourglass but he didn’t mind, not really, because it saved him the heartbreak of delving into the events he had long ago stored at the back of his mind and hadn’t since been resurfaced out of fear, buried by the constant drinking that kept him intoxicated enough to forget exactly why the liquor was burning his throat every evening before he slept.

“I’m sorry if.. if I intruded on anything,”

“Nah, it’s okay kid. I’m already over it,” He offered a grin. “What d’you say I put on a shirt, crack open that bottle for you and we can both pretend you’re doing some work?”

It seemed as if there was this unspoken agreement between them not to bring up the things Hoseok had just mentioned and he was so relieved. Changkyun wasn’t treating him any differently now that he knew if only a little bit more about him, and that made him happy because the kid wasn’t about to leave him despite knowing exactly what the shield on his chest signified.

“Sounds good to me,” The younger boy grinned. “Although.. you could.. you could leave the shirt off, if you wanted,”

Hoseok felt his eyes widen and his mouth fell open in shock.

“I’m kidding! I’m kidding, oh my god,” Changkyun cracked up, little wracks of laughter coursing through his thin body and the older boy couldn’t get mad at such a happy sight. “Your face was priceless, holy shit,”

“Fucking hell Changkyun, don’t play me like that,” He grinned a little and shook his head, using the now relaxed atmosphere to scan the bathroom for what he’d originally come here for – his other top. “I know this is character development and all, but seriously, you’re too confident for your own good,”

“I know you would have kept it off, if I’d actually asked,”

“Shut the fuck up, I could tell you no if I really wanted,” He grinned and located the fabric hung on the metal rack just by the bathtub – the blue cotton textured under the harsh light above them both – and he took it between his hands without hesitation. “Now go do your work,”

“You’re not my fucking mum,”

Hoseok couldn’t stop himself from ruffling the younger boys hair and he then proceeded to let out a soft laugh at the indignant way Changkyun wrinkled his nose at the action.

“If you do it I’ll let you keep my lighter,”

The younger boys eyes widened considerably. “Wait, really?”

“Were you going to give it back?” He raised a questioning eyebrow.

“Well.. no, but-”

“Then I don’t wanna hear it you little shit,” Hoseok laughed and made a shooing gesture with his right hand. “Now go! I expect to see you working full speed the minute I return,”

Changkyun grinned and began to back out of the room, giving a little teasing wave as he did so, and when he disappeared around the door frame Hoseok was about to pull the new top over his head when there came a voice from down the hall.

“I’m taking the can of Soju from your fridge!”

Hoseok laughed softly to himself and shook his head. That kid sure was a handful.

“Take the tropical flavour, okay kid?” He called back, voice loud enough to carry through the apartment. “Save the strawberry for me!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

They had their morning routine almost perfected by this point.

At some point around half six they’d be jerked awake by the intrusive buzzing of Changkyun’s phone alarm and the younger boy would struggle to turn it off with the pounding of his head and weird alcohol after taste on his tongue. Hoseok would sit up, scratch his head and proceed to fling some profanities into the air about how much he was going to kill Changkyun for waking him up this early and that he would have left him on the bridge that one night if he knew this was where it was going to lead.

Hoseok would smoke a cigarette while Changkyun washed up in the bathroom and downed a couple of paracetamol with metallic tasting tap water. When the younger boy made his way back into the main room of the flat he would ask for a stick in hope and get shut down with a signature grin and a statement about how college kids aren’t meant to smoke in the morning, but it only took a couple more asks to get him to hand over the stick for a drag or two just to shut him up. Hoseok would make them both a bowl of cereal – frosties, a little stale but good enough for the time being – and while Changkyun got milk he watched the older boy open a can of soju and pour that over the little flakes like it was a gourmet meal.

All of these events had previously occurred within the last half an hour and now they were both holding a bowl of cereal in their hands, curled up on the sofa and staring at the grain of the coffee table like it was a TV relaying the news. Changkyun knew he looked a mess – eye bags prominent and skin pale – but for some annoying reason Hoseok looked the epitome of attractive indifference as he spooned a few orange flecks into his mouth and chewed slowly. Whenever they woke up in the morning Changkyun was used to not seeing the other boy fully until he’d at least scraped his hair back from his head and rubbed at his eyes until they looked more awake. This morning, however, the older boy had seemed to forget about his appearance or maybe he just didn’t care for his hair was fluffy and fell over his eyes, little kinks in the strands all over his head and a tuft of hair poking up just at the back. Just the sight of his hair like that changed his whole demeanour completely, and combined with the wrinkled shirt and odd socks he almost looked as if he could be a college student himself. He was a little more carefree, a little more at ease with himself, a young adult just about to go into the world and not one who had already fallen in on himself.

The younger boy supposed it was because he’d actually talked yesterday – without censorship or his usual playful tone – and maybe the conversation about who he used to be had let him relax a little more around him.

Just before they slept that night they’d made a promise, one surrounding the topic of conversation in the bathroom and what it had implied. The whole idea of Hoseok’s past was a little scary to Changkyun now he went over it in better clarity in the morning, but it was okay, because they’d both decided that to talk more about it would be to drive a wedge in their friendship. 

Changkyun wouldn’t ask, and Hoseok wouldn't tell, and maybe that was the best for both of them.

That didn’t stop Changkyun from wanting to know _other_ things though.

“Hey, old guy, can I ask you something?”

His voice was groggy from sleep but he still seemed to be more awake the Hoseok. The older boys eyes were so droopy they were almost shut, but despite his tired appearance he jerked awake from the thoughts he had been lost in and gave a small shrug as he turned to look at the younger boy.

“Shoot for it kid,”

There was no point in hesitation and Changkyun let the words spill from his mouth. “Are you gay?”

Hoseok choked on his frosties. “ _What?_ ”

“I said, are you gay?”

The older boy rubbed a hand over his tired face in exasperation. “Kid, you gotta stop with these questions-”

“I’m just curious,” Changkyun mumbled around his cereal, placing his spoon back in the bowl with a small clink as he took in his reaction.

“Yeah, well, curiosity killed the cat,” Hoseok grumbled.

A small grin pulled at the younger boys face and he gave a small shrug. “Satisfaction bought it back,”

There was a pause in the conversation, the ebb of words allowing for the hum of morning traffic just outside the window to float through the apartment, the only other sound being their steady breathing and crunch of cereal between teeth. Hoseok spooned some more frosties into his mouth without looking up from the table and the silence stretched on so long Changkyun figured he’d forgotten to reply.

But then he did.

“Yeah,”

“Yeah?” Changkyun looked up in surprise to find Hoseok avoiding his gaze, but whether that was from reluctance to answer or tiredness he couldn’t quite tell.

“I’m gay,”

“Oh,” The younger boy nodded as he squished his soggy cereal with the flat side of his spoon, watching the milk seep out of the flakes and pool at the bottom of the bowl. “Same,”

And it felt so weird saying it because he never said it. Not once. Not to his mum, who told him of how he’d meet a wonderful wife one day and they’d raise two lovely kids together and he’d finally be rid of the dark thoughts. Not to Hyungwon, who’d seen him grow up since they were children and didn’t need to be told. Not to the boys he’d had teenage crushes on or to his therapist who was too busy trying to keep him alive then know who he liked. No, Changkyun had never really had to come out, but even just admitting to it made his chest a whole lot lighter. It was liberating, even just acknowledging it out loud. He'd struggled when he was younger with coming to terms with who he was and being at a point where he could just say it? It was something he never thought would happen but it just had.

“That’s.. that’s good, I guess,” Hoseok nodded, tentatively, almost like he wasn’t trying to draw attention to the confession and Changkyun was grateful for that. His heart was going at a million miles an hour and he didn’t need a big deal being made out of it. “Is there a reason you’re asking? Besides from the curiosity, that is?”

The younger boy shrugged. “I was just wondering. ‘Cos, like.. when we kissed the other day. And you pulled back. I didn’t know if-”

“No,”

“What?”

“No, it wasn’t ‘cos I’m straight,” Hoseok’s eyes crinkled a little from under his hair as he smiled in amusement, and holy shit, it was the cutest fucking thing Changkyun had ever seen.

“Well, I know that now,” He grinned and he was pleased to see a fond smile tugging at Hoseoks face too. “And Jooheon said.. said you wanted to, you know..” He trailed off awkwardly. He couldn’t quite bring himself to say what he was implying and Hoseoks unreadable expression made it a little hard to speak when his stomach was in his mouth.

“I know,”

They stared at each other for a second before Changkyun cleared his throat, cheeks a little hot. “Anyway, well, yeah. I guess I kinda figured, but you could always be bi, I wouldn’t know,” He shrugged a little. “Why did you pull back then?”

Hoseok rolled his eyes. Now that he had been awake for a good half an hour he was beginning to relax a little, engaging more in conversation then he had been before. “You were high. I couldn’t, well, wouldn’t do that to somebody. Especially you,” It was Hoseok’s turn to offer a shrug. “It’s not like I didn’t enjoy it,”

“You enjoyed it?”

“Maybe,”

Changkyun couldn’t help the smug smile on his face. “Would you kiss me back if I kissed you again?”

Hoseok grinned, and it looked as if he considered his answer for a second, tilting his head to the side with his lips slightly open as if about to speak.

“I’d do more than kiss you,”

Changkyun froze, mouth parted, mind completely blank.

Had Hoseok really just said that? Were his ears lying to him?

The younger boy had no time to process the statement, however, for not long after the other boy was swinging his legs off where they were curled on the cushions and hauling himself to his feet.

“Anyway,” He pushed himself up from the couch after placing his almost empty bowl on the table, seemingly unfazed by what he’d just said as he stretched out his stiff legs. “Ready for school kid?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

The firm ground beneath his feet was always a welcome feeling after hurtling through too bright streets at eight in the morning with the wind whipping at his face and movement jolting his stomach.

Changkyun loved being on the motorbike when it was night time – the blurred neon lights and sharp weaving between cars along with the growl of the engine startling drunk passersby was everything he loved, the raw fear and exhilaration he felt from speeding at night feeding his craving for danger.

In the morning, however, he just craved stability, and that’s why he was more than happy when his boots hit the concrete below as he pushed himself off the leather seat of the motorbike behind him. Hoseok cut the engine, pushed out the kickstand and pulled himself off the seat as well, and Changkyun watched him take a look around the area just outside the college with an expression that could only be described as amusement. He seemed to revel in the stares of passers by, feeding off their hushed whispers and pointed looks as he ran a hand through his hair and turned to face Changkyun.

The younger boy let out a soft laugh at his absurdity and shook his head.

Hoseok raised a challenging eyebrow. “Why are you laughing?”

“No reason,” The younger boy grinned and he watched him almost decide to protest before letting out a soft laugh himself and relaxing his posture to lean back on his bike.

They stood like that for a minute or two, Hoseok surveying the college campus through the wide open gate and Changkyun chewing on the inside of his cheek as he took in the other boy. He didn’t want to go to school but then again he never did, yet he always found one excuse or another that caused him to drag his sorry ass through the open doors and into a classroom.

The silence dragged on and Changkyun became aware of the time passing before class began – judging by the multitude of students pushing their way along the pavement and up the gravelling path of the school it was sooner than he had hoped. However, he wasn’t ready for class just yet. There was this buzz of curiosity sparking off in his mind, the craving for more information making him open his mouth and ask another burning question as he turned to look at the older boy beside him who had already pulled out a cigarette and lit it without Changkyun noticing. The smoke curled into the cold air and the smell of the burning left this hollow feeling in his stomach – God, he needed a cigarette.

“Whats your type?” He posed the question quickly, knowing if he didn’t blurt it out soon he’d end up asking for another stick instead.

Hoseok raised his eyebrows at him after taking a drag. “My type?”

“In men,”

“Why, hoping you’re it?” Hoseok teased with a grin, ash falling from his cigarette after a delicate tap. “Um.. small, I guess? Pretty? I dunno. Never really thought about it,”

Changkyun hummed in acknowledgement and he couldn’t help the smug smile that pulled as his face as he kicked the ground beneath him. He didn’t know if he was pretty, but he was certainly small.

They were lost in thought for a second, the comfortable silence returning to them like some kind of blanket, both existing in their own little quiet bubble beyond the chatter of students and rowdy laughter and hum of occasional passing cars.

People were staring, but for some strange reason Changkyun didn’t really mind the pairs of eyes on him. His mindset was drastically different from the last time they’d done this, he almost seemed to revel in the attention instead of shy away from it. Yes, he had just turned up at college on a pink motorbike, and yes, it was being driven by a conventionally attractive man a couple years older than him, ears glinting with piercings in the bright winter sun and hair pushed back from his forehead, but no, Changkyun didn’t mind that a multitude of curious students had their gazes fixed on them both because he was with Hoseok and that was all that really mattered.

There came a sigh and Hoseok flicked his cigarette stub onto the ground, rubbing the coals into the concrete with a twist of his buckled boots. “Kid, you should go,”

“Yeah, I guess,” Changkyun steeled himself for the trek into school. “Thanks for everything again,”

“No problem. See you soon yeah?”

“Yeah. See you soon,” He offered a small grin and wave as he began to walk away from the bike and the boy stood beside it.

“Wait, kid,” Hoseok called, causing him to turn back when he was just couple meters away. “What’s your type?”

“My type?”

“Yeah!” The older boy had to raise his voice to shout over the group of rowdy second years that had just swarmed the pathway.

“You!” Changkyun grinned.

He relished in the momentarily blank look on the older boys face at his confidence. He’d been a little irked by the cocky demeanour Hoseok had been wearing after leaving him speechless shortly before leaving the apartment, and seeing him at a loss of words was enough to make him feel proud.

With a soft laugh he gave a wave from across the road and turned back to school where Hyungwon was waiting for him by the gate just like usual, trench coat long and frown already on his face.

He looked back only once as he walked the gravelled path into college, his best friends rambling words drowned out by his own distractions, to see Hoseok on his motorbike leant on one leg, engine growling and pleased grin visible even from far away, before he revved the engine loudly and pulled away into the road beside him.

Changkyun watched him disappear between the towering buildings before turning back to continue his walk into school, smile still etched on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: you can read the poem referenced in this chapter [here!](http://www.beatricegarland.co.uk/poems/168-2/)  
> it's called Kamikaze and it's by Beatrice Garland, it's one I studied for my GCSE and I love it a lot.  
> Wonho has the last two lines tattooed and obviously i took it out of context bc things are lost in translation and stuff, but take from the poem what you will. it might or might not relate to the story in one way or another.


	7. kingdom crumbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: I'm going to put a quick trigger warning on this chapter for mentions of throwing up. there's no specific description of it and I know this fic deals with more mature themes, but I have a friend who gets pretty bad anxiety around throwing up so I'm always really cautious when it comes to that. just so you are aware!
> 
> i listened to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NM53vEiNMeI) on repeat while writing this chapter. maybe give it a listen while reading?
> 
> this chapter is a wild ride dear readers, please enjoy <3  
> 

Tiled floor felt different to concrete under bare feet.

For one it was a lot smoother – there were no rocky grooves or little outcrops that fragile skin could snag on and the ceramic surface was flat enough to almost be comforting, the cold tiles numbing where his foot had caught on the pavement just outside the store.

He knew where his shoes were and the thought irked him, because if he hadn’t been so momentarily distracted by making sure his hair looked okay and his piercing peeked out just to make him look a little bit more intimidating – a hard feat for his slim body, but it didn’t stop him from trying to achieve it – then maybe, maybe he wouldn’t have been so stupid as to leave his boots under the jeans he wore last week and the papers that had fallen from his folder on the white shelf of his room two days ago that he hadn’t bothered picking up. 

It was okay though. Changkyun was okay, because despite the weirdly smooth feeling of tiles on his feet and the smudges of dirt he was leaving while he walked, he couldn’t bring himself to want to die. He felt bad of course, the thoughts were running amok in his head just as violent as usual, but they seemed muffled by distractions other than the view of cold night waters below him. Almost as if the usual final step of his journey – a trip to the bridge in the early morning hours of whatever day it was - no longer applied, like he had taken an eraser to the usual steps of his discourse and replaced the last one with something much safer.

Number one was feeling the switch flip in his brain and watch the thoughts run rampant.

Number two was making his way through the Seoul city downtown and ending up with his knuckles bouncing off the wood of Hoseok’s front door.

Number three was knowing he was safe in the other boy's apartment because he couldn’t hurt himself in there.

It was this newfound confidence that had propelled Changkyun to stop on his way to the shitty area of Mapo-Gu that Hoseok’s home was located, push open the glass door to a dingy corner shop at the edge of Seongnam road, bright lights blinding him into another world of flashy labels and hand-scrawled price tags, just to stand in one of the aisles trying to build enough confidence in his small body to actually do what he came to do in the first place

Newfound confidence was a little hard to put into action when he didn’t have a rather intimidating twenty four year old man by his side to aid his actions.

The cashier behind the cheap plastic counter was leant on a stool placed just by the till, a big burly mass of muscle, pug faced and head growing little spikes of stubble from not being shaved in a couple of weeks. His shoulders were wide, eyes squat, belly protruding over slacks, and Changkyun didn’t think he’d seen anybody more terrifying in his entire life. How was he meant to ask him for what he wanted when he looked like he could smash his head in with a flick of his tanned wrists?

Changkyun stood still in one of the aisles adjacent, trying desperately hard to take the few steps towards the counter, hangs hung awkwardly by his side because he was wearing a short sleeved tee that day instead of his normal hoodie – he’d already garnered a lecture from Hyungwon about dressing appropriately for the cold Seoul weather in the middle of December but Changkyun never minded the cold – with fading orange hair too long over his eyes. He could see what he was looking for just beyond the counter, rows upon rows of little labelled boxes stacked on shelves with laminated price tags hanging under each category.

He hadn’t smoked a cigarette in almost ten days, and he was scared he was going a little crazy.

It wasn’t like he’d had adverse side affects, not really. Sure, on the second day there’d been this weird tingle in his hands like he’d just doused them in cold water and it was running in little rivulets down his palms, and then on the third day he’d woken up so anxious, head aching and hair stuck to the thin film of cold sweat on his neck, he’d called in to his Professor and told him he was too sick for class and he’d hand in the assignment the next day. But he was fine. Really, he was.

The past week or so he’d been strangely calm. The only problems he was having were not any physical side effects, more just mental. He was craving the feeling of fire in his lungs along with the warm head rush and relaxing of his muscles more than he ever had before and so Changkyun had taken it upon himself to buy the cigarettes himself. On his own. Without telling Hoseok.

Changkyun was old enough, he had his student ID in his pocket, there was no reason he shouldn’t do what he was about to do. He didn’t know why he felt so guilty – he had literally taken them from the older boy’s apartment without so much as a mention – but for whatever reason this just felt wrong. Like he was already lying to him without actually having seen him.

Changkyun let the guilt settle in his stomach for a fleeting moment, knowing it was a bad idea and regretting what he was about to do, before throwing it out the metaphorical window and walking up to the counter in front of him like he hadn’t just been standing there staring at it for the past ten minutes.

The second he approached the counter the man stood behind it looked up at him with a frown already plastered on his pug face. Up close he was even more intimidating but Changkyun couldn’t back out now he could read the words on the labels and see the pattern on the brightly lit shelves just out of his reach.

“You here for cigarettes?”

The man's voice was deeper than Changkyun had expected and a lot more hoarse. If he had known any better he’d say he was a chain smoker, either that or just permanently suffering some kind of asthma attack.

Changkyun took a second just to gape at him, mouth opening and closing ever so slightly while he figured out what so say, and when he finally choked out the words they were quiet and shy. “Uh, yeah, yeah I am,”

“Hmm,” The man narrowed his eyes and seemed to run them up and down his body. It made Changkyun uncomfortable to say the least, but he was a little busy trying not to stare at the mass of his forearm as his hand picked at some stubble on his neck. “You old enough?”

When Changkyun gave a quick nod and tried to meet his eyes the other man looked at him with a bored expression on his face, eyebrows slightly raised in a way that told him he didn’t believe it.

There was a brief second of silence before the man let out a small sigh of exasperation, pulled his hand away from his neck and gestured towards the cheap shelves behind him. “What brand?”

Holy shit, what brand did he want? What brand did Hoseok get? Changkyun cursed himself inwardly for never looking at the little cardboard box he took from his cramped bathroom that time because that information was much needed right now. Changkyun didn’t think he’d get this far at all, genuinely believing he’d chicken out the minute they started to talk and never set foot in the store again, but now he was struggling to be inconspicuous as he tried to read any one of the labels on the boxes behind him.

“Well? You gon’ answer or just stand there and waste my time?”

Changkyun almost wanted to point out that the strange man wasn’t doing anything before he approached the counter so if anything he was giving him something to do but somehow using his newfound confidence to talk back to a man three times his size was probably not the best way to go.

“I.. um, I-”

And then, at that very moment, somebody else walked into the shop.

Except technically they were already in the shop. They didn’t enter through the entrance just to the side of where Changkyun stood, nose cold from the December air or neck wrapped in a thick layer of scarf, no, from just behind the counter – right beside the shelves of cigarettes Changkyun had been eying up – a door with the words ‘staff’ messily printed on it swung open to reveal a slim man backing out from under the frame.

It was Minhyuk, no doubt about it. Changkyun recognised his willowy body even from behind as he gave a high pitched laugh to the dark room he had just come from and he was definitely saying farewell to whoever was in there with an almost flirty wave. Changkyun couldn’t hear exactly what he was saying, however, for he was much more focused on the shock of seeing the other boy to pay much attention to what he was doing.

Looking every bit the model with his chiselled features and expensive clothes, he seemed more like he was dressed for a club rather than a cold winters evening. If Hyungwon had thrown a fit seeing what Changkyun had worn that day the younger boy supposed he would have dropped dead upon seeing Minhyuk out and about wearing little more than a sheer vest and the same tight black trousers as they had last met. His outfit didn’t stop there, however, and Changkyun found himself entranced by the glitter on his eyelids as it sparkled when he walked under the artificial light of the store, the makeup serving as a perfect distraction for the way the sleeves of his sheer vest couldn’t cover the bandage still wrapped around his arm.

When the staff room door closed behind him and he caught sight of Changkyun stood just by the counter, he broke out into a surprised grin, looking almost pleased with the strange turn of events.

He was attractive, Changkyun would be a fucking idiot not to see that, but there was almost something slightly unsettling about the way he looked. When he gave a small wave to Changkyun with a glittering smile on his face the sentiment didn’t quite reach his eyes and his teeth looked unnaturally straight. When he walked in a tantalisingly slow way – dragging his hand across the cheap packs of gum in their little counter-shelves like they were books in a historical library with his hips moving gently with each step - his confidence seemed a little misplaced, like he was attracting a lover and not buying from a shitty corner shop counter. The way his clothes hung on his thin frame was ever so slightly frightening as if he’d bought them a size up just so the skinny jeans folded around his knees and top could get caught on his collarbones.

Minhyuk seemed to make his way over to just where Changkyun stood, moving his lithe body around the edge of the counter to join him on the other side and as the younger boy continued to look at him out of shock his height difference suddenly a lot more discernible due to his heeled shoes and straight posture. Just as Minhyuk looked as if he was about to speak – the smile on his face opening to begin talking and his body leaning forward in curiosity – there came a gruff sound from in front of them both and Changkyun turned to look at the worker with wide eyes. For some strange reason he’d forgotten he was there, having been far too distracted by the appearance of Minhyuk to pay much attention to anybody else.

“Aye, Druggie. How ‘ave you been?”

Minhyuk seemed to stare at Changkyun for a second longer, an undiscernible glint in his dark eyes, and the younger boy watched him tear his gaze away from him to shift onto the man working the counter and he took a step forward so he was left staring at the back of his head rather than being stood side by side. If he had noticed the younger boy wasn’t wearing shoes, he obviously didn’t care. 

“I’ve been pretty good, Sungjin, pretty good,”

His voice was just as smooth as Changkyun remembered, like sickly sweet honey, and as he watched he seemed to lean his elbows on the counter and rub one tightly-clad leg against his other shin. If he had an itch it was a very ineffective way to solve it, Changkyun thought with a frown.

“Glad to ‘ear it. What you want?” The man – Sungjin, right? – sounded considerably more docile now he was talking to Minhyuk, and as Changkyun watched he seemed to straighten his shirt just a little and tilt his neck to the side. It would have been creepy if it looked like he was trying to attract Minhyuk – their age differences obvious and too far apart for normalcy – and yet there was something in the way his eyes flit between Changkyun and Minhyuk that made it seem almost as if he was trying to impress him. Like Minhyuk was a superior – which was stupid, right?

“I’ll take two KTG’s please,” From the slight angle Changkyun was stood at he could see the other boy pick at a piece of tape on the counter in a nonchalant fashion, decidedly ignoring the way Sungjin was attempting to be presentable. “Oh, and a packet of Pink Kings,”

“On the house?”

“You know it,”

The man grunted and pushed himself off the stool he was sat on – his feet making a loud thud as they hit the tiled floor – and Changkyun watched as he made his way towards the shelves and pulled one of the boxes from the top corner. As he supposedly scanned for the other brand Minhyuk had requested he shot a look over his shoulder, eyes narrowed in a look that could only be described as suspicious. 

He gave a quick jerk of his head after pulling two more boxes from the shelves – slightly bigger this time, label a sky blue instead of pink – and it took Changkyun a second to realise he was motioning towards him. “Do you know that one?”

“Who, Changkyun?” Minhyuk glanced at Changkyun with an almost knowing expression, eyebrows raised and grin mischievous, before leaning into Sungjin as he approached the other end of the counter like he was lounging on a bar waiting for a drink. The way his body moved was decidedly feminine. “He’s my friend. Him and Hoseok are kind of a _thing_ ,”

“The Hoseok?” The man looked at Changkyun with newfound surprise and he felt himself shifting under the weird gaze, wanting to pick at his sleeves but once again finding that his tee wasn’t long enough to do so.

“The one and only. So, you know..” Minhyuk took the three boxes in his thin hand and gave him an almost charming smile. “Best not mess with him,”

As Changkyun watched Minhyuk seemed about ready to leave but the man spoke again, and the younger boy just caught him take a deep breath before forcing another smile on his face as he turned back to the worker.

“Wait, uh, Druggie.. I’ve been meaning to ask..” The man seemed to glance at Changkyun quickly with a cautious expression before tearing his eyes back to Minhyuk. “Do you got any more fours on you? I wouldn’t usually say nothing but you know how it can be, ‘specially with Son making us work half-nights as well,”

“Sungjin, sweetie, you know each shipment lasts a month, right?” It was weird hearing such an endearing term being used to describe such a big man, especially one who looked at least a decade older than Minhyuk, and his voice seemed almost tinged with irritation. It was fleeting, however, the almost patronising smile on his face apparently distracting Sungjin but Changkyun could watch it all from where he was stood just to the side. “We’re only halfway through December, if you’re already out you know you’ll have to wait,”

“Aye, Druggie, I ain’t that desperate. You’re the best dealer around,”

“Why, I’m flattered Sungjin-“

“Shit, reminds me. Park asked me to ask you if you’re ever gonna work the club again? He said he’s been missin’ you,” The old man was seemingly comfortable punching numbers into the till despite no exchange of money taking place but Changkyun saw the unmistakable way Minhyuk’s knuckles grew white around the boxes they were holding despite his face staying relatively calm.

“Park should know better to ask, hmm?” If his smile had been unsettling before, now it was definitely forced. Minhyuk seemed to be busying himself with the packets in his hand – reading and rereading the labels on them as if trying to convey to Sungjin his uninterest in the conversation – but as Changkyun watched there was something tense in the way he was standing. Like what he was feeling wasn’t irritation, but uncomfortableness. “When you see him next, hit him in his fucking pig snout for me,”

“Aye, whatever you say Druggie,”

“Oh, and Sungjin?” Minhyuk shot him a winning smile. “Try out a cigarette, huh? I heard they do wonders for the brain,”

And then he was gone. Out the door, leaving Changkyun stood alone in the store and gaping after where the door fell shut with a tinkle of the bell behind his thin frame.

“D’you really know Hoseok?”

The worker – Sungjin – was looking at him warily, and Changkyun found it strange to see such caution from such a big man directed at his small frame.

“I..” Changkyun couldn’t seem to formulate any words, only just being able to tear his eyes away from the door where Minhyuk had disappeared to stare at the man in front of him. He knew he shouldn’t but he felt the overwhelming urge to follow him and ask him just what that conversation had been about.

Sungjin seemed to scratch at his neck, but unlike before Minhyuk had talked to him it wasn’t an intimidating gesture, more of a nervous one. “Is he.. Is he okay? Nobody’s ‘eard from him in so long,”

“I..” Changkyun glanced between the pug-faced man talking to him and the door that led into the street beyond the little store, and with an exasperated sigh he made his decision. “Ah, fucking hell-”

He tuned on his heels and stormed out of the store, feet slapping on the tiled floor as he did and door chiming as he yanked it open and hit the bell. As he stepped outside and left the scary man behind him, question unanswered and face probably surprised, he was immediately slapped with the cold night air, the slight wind snaking its way up his loose sleeves and turning his breath into little clouds of mist.

He was quick to realise it had been a mistake. Having waited too long to follow the other boy he was left standing alone on the pavement, and he took to scanning the strangely deserted road around him as his back was bathed in the intense artificial light from the corner shop behind him. It was then that he gave a gasp and he couldn’t help the surprised words that fell from his mouth upon seeing him.

“Holy shit,”

Minhyuk was stood leant against the brick wall just a few steps away, looking at him with a grin already on his face. There was something off about the way he was just stood there. Had he been waiting for him? How did he know Changkyun would follow?

“Well hello to you too cutie,” Minhyuk gave a grin and small wave. “I missed your little face, how have you been?”

Changkyun could do nothing but gape at him. He watched as the lithe boy pushed himself off the wall and made his way over to stand in the bright light from the store just a metre away from him, the bright artificial light falling on the glitter of his eyelids and highlighting the dips in his collarbone. It took a few seconds for him to form an answer and despite his attempts to sound defiant and a little bored his voice came out quiet and a little unsure. “I’m not little,”

“Oh Changkyun, you really are funny sometimes,” Minhyuk laughed to himself but didn’t meet his eyes, instead choosing to reach into his pocket and pull out three little cardboard boxes and hold them out to him. “Here, take ‘em,”

It took a second for Changkyun to process what he was but when he noticed the boxes in his hand were the packets of cigarettes he’d just bought over the counter he felt a perplexed frown form on his face. “What?”

“They’re for you,” Minhyuk said it like it was obvious. “Well, I mean, the KTG’s are for you. Pink Kings for Hoseok, though if you keep them for yourself I won’t tell,”

“Are you serious?” Changkyun gaped at him, all pretence of defiance slipping though his fingers as he realised just what the other boy was doing. Had he really just bought them for him? Was he that kind?

“Obviously,”

“Woah, shit, Minhyuk, thank you,” He took the packets in his hands, tone a weird mixture of gratefulness and confusion, and he began scanning the labels with wide eyes. He couldn’t quite believe it – three whole packets? That was enough for weeks.

“It’s no problem cutie,” Minhyuk smiled almost knowingly and he motioned towards the packets. “The KTG’s are stronger. More nicotine apparently, they last a lot longer ‘cos there’s so much of ‘em. More expensive too so you’ll have to pay me back sometime,”

“But.. you didn’t pay for them,” Changkyun looked up at him with a frown.

“Didn’t I?” This time Minhyuk’s smile was unsettling, a little flirty and a little curious. “Hoseok taught you to smoke, right?”

“I don’t smoke,” Changkyun mumbled, flicking open the lid to one of the cardboard boxes and taking in the little beige sticks all lined up in their rows. He supposed he should wait until he was alone to light up again, but something about just seeing the cigarettes in front of him broke all kind of resistance he might have previously exhibited. He managed to take one of the sticks from where it sat snug in its box and realised Minhyuk had been right – the KTG’s were different, thicker, heavier almost. They felt different when he held them in his hand and stuffed the other boxes into his pockets. When he realised Minhyuk wasn’t going to speak again he offered a small shrug as he pulled out Hoseok’s pink lighter with impatience. “I light up when… when I need to, that’s it,”

“The first step to addiction is needing it, cutie,” Minhyuk gave a small giggle and yet, despite his age and mature appearance, the childlike sound didn’t seem misplaced. His eyes held a knowing glint as they watched Changkyun stick the cigarette between his teeth and run the lighter over the edge, shielding the butt from the wind with his other hand and all of a sudden he seemed to frown as he rethought his words. “Actually, no, that’s wanting it. Needing it is the third step, and craving the second. It’s all very logical, see,”

Changkyun didn’t see, but he wasn’t about to ask, far too distracted by the exhale of relief that escaped his mouth and forced smoke into the cold night air because holy fuck, he had missed this. The way the fire blanketed his lungs, the drag of heat burning his throat and the chemical taste that scratched his tongue, it was all familiar to him now and he revelled in the way his muscles seemed to relax after only one drag.

After a few more seconds of silence Changkyun realised that he wasn’t alone again, and with a raise of his eyebrow he turned his head to look at Minhyuk and held out his cigarette, immediately struck by the correlations to what had happened at the party. This time, however, it was Changkyun offering the smoke.

“Do you want some?” He asked as a courtesy, thinking he would take it without hesitation. However he was immediately struck by confusion when the other boy shook his head and gave an amused smile.

“No thanks cutie, I don’t smoke,”

Changkyun frowned. They’d smoked together outside Haneuls, and the younger boy had assumed he wouldn’t say no to any kind of drug due to his nickname but apparently he had been wrong. “But.. but you-”

“I don’t smoke cigarettes. Nicotine? Nah, that ain’t my kinda thing,”

“They’re less dangerous than.. than that,” It was probably a little invasive to gesture at the bandage on his arm with the hand not holding his cigarette but he figured the other boy wouldn’t mind. He had been so open about it before Changkyun doubted he would be particularly bothered by his curiosity.

“So people tell me,” Minhyuk watched intently as Changkyun took another drag from the cigarette and the younger boy felt his skin prickle somewhat uncomfortably. With a curious glance he realised there was concealer under his eyes, and it was cracking a little at the corners. “You seem different to last time we met. More confident, no?”

Changkyun shrugged, blowing out the smoke from his lungs and watching it mingle with the mist of the cold night air.

“I heard you and Hoseok kissed,” Minhyuk grinned and the younger boy shot him a look from the corner of his eyes.

“Apparently it was very passionate, and from what Jooheon told me Hoseok _loves_ the way you taste. Like smoke and cinnamon and the colour yellow,” There came a prickling feeling from along his bare forearm as Minhyuk dragged his fingertips down it. In any other situation it might have been interpreted as a friendly gesture – one used when telling gossip or laughing with a friend – but something about the tilt of his head and slightly parted lips made Changkyun eye him warily. It was okay though, because despite how unsettling Minhyuk was there was this lingering thought in the back of his head that urged him to stay in his presence, like he actually enjoyed the uncomfortable feeling of scrutiny rather than hated it.

“You can tell he used to be a fucking artist, right?” Minhyuk laughed softly and pulled his hand away. “No other grown ass man uses colour metaphors to describe fucking makeout sessions,” 

Changkyun was too busy trying to ignore the excited feeling in his stomach after hearing what Hoseok had said about him to really pay much attention to what Minhyuk was saying. He supposed he should be reluctant to believe the other boy but if Jooheon had told him then it must be true, right? It was almost poetic, and he couldn’t wait to tease Hoseok about it the minute he crossed the threshold into his apartment. Maybe then he could finally kiss him again.

“I would have thought you’d taste sweet – like sugar,” Minhyuk’s voice was quiet, almost as if he was talking to himself, and when the younger boy pulled the cigarette away from his lips to frown at him he was already changing the subject again. “Are you seeing him today?”

“I was about to go there, after.. after getting cigarettes,” Changkyun motioned to the store behind him after tapping ash on the ground.

“Ah, sorry cutie, did I fuck up your master plan?” Minhyuk giggled a little, the sound flighty but carrying the same provocative tone he’d used when addressing Sungjin. “That’s sweet though. I remember when Jooheon used to visit me when he was upset, I cheered him up _so_ well, but now we just do it for fun,”

Changkyun ignored the connotations of his words and focused on taking another drag.

“It’s nice seeing you hang out with him, ‘specially on a day like today,”

“A day.. like today?” The younger boy felt his brows knit together in a frown.

“Mmm. I hope he’s coping okay, I mean, nobody really blames him..” Minhyuk seemed lost in his thoughts, lips a little pouty but eyes mischievous, and Changkyun was having a hard time disconcerting whether or not he was authentic in his supposedly regretful tone of voice. “Even Jooheon doesn’t know what really happened. If I was in that position? Shit, cutie, I’d be shooting up half my usual dosage just to forget,”

“How do you do that?”

Minhyuk seemed taken aback by the question, almost as if the conversation had taken a turn in a direction he wasn’t prepared for. “Do what?” 

“Fucking, I dunno, ‘shoot up’ or whatever,” Changkyun motioned towards the bandage on his arm with his cigarette. “If you really were an addict wouldn’t you be like.. like-”

“Crazy? A prostitute? Lying in some fucking ditch with my arm bleeding out?” Minhyuk raised his eyebrows and he seemed a little bored. “Not all addicts are dead men, Changkyun, only the stupid ones. I’m high functioning, I still live my life,

“Is it.. a good life?”

“The fucking best,” His lips pulled back into a toothy grin and the expression seemed unusually genuine. “Anyway, I best be off, Jooheon’s waiting for me back at the apartment. You know how boyfriends can be, right? So demanding,” He rolled his eyes and seemed to take a couple steps back on the pavement. 

“Say hi to Hoseok for me, okay? Don’t tell him I bought those for you ‘cos then I really will be fucking dead in the next couple days,” He laughed softly.

Changkyun glanced at the stick in his hand – end smouldering and a lot shorter than it had previously been – and felt his face form a frown. “How do you know I’d lie for you?” He looked up at Minhyuk for an answer.

“Aw, cutie, you’re a natural already right?”

“What?”

“And the funny thing is, you know exactly what I mean,” Minhyuk didn’t allow him to protest, lips pulled back into a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “If you need anymore cigarettes, feel free to ask,”

“How will I ask?” Changkyun frowned. They had no form of contact, and he knew he would be lying to himself if he said the cigarettes in his pocket were going to last him a long time.

“Pink Kings tell stories,” Minhyuk grinned.

“What?” Changkyun frowned, more then a little confused, but Minhyuk was already backing away.

“Good things come to those who lie Changkyun,” He giggled from across the pavement. “Remember that, I think you’ll need it,”

And with that he gave a short laugh and disappeared around the corner, leaving Changkyun stood in the artificial light of the corner shop, fingers numb from the cold and cigarette burnt to the butt already.

With a frown he mulled over the words Minhyuk had said – Pink Kings tell stories? What did that mean? One of the brands of cigarettes he’d given him had been called Pink Kings, right? With cold hands he pulled out the thin packet from his back pocket, scanning over the little cardboard box with curious eyes, and with a start he realised there had been something written on the back; scrawling numbers marked on the cardboard in a blue biro.

It was a phone number – Minhyuk’s phone number.

That little shit. He couldn’t give the packet to Hoseok now, not with the other boy's phone number written all over it.

Changkyun stuffed the box back into his pocket without a second thought and turned on his heel, leaving the bright light of the store behind him and dropping his cigarette into a drain along the way, not stopping to watch the embers fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changkyun was so used to knocking on Hoseok’s door that he didn’t think twice before rapping his knuckles on the wood.

A few weeks ago he might have fretted for a few minutes, perhaps mumbled to himself about how stupid an idea it was and pulled so hard at his sleeves the hems began to unravel, but stood outside his apartment wearing a top instead of hoody, feet a little scratched from the concrete but nowhere near as bad as they used to be, he actually felt confident. He couldn’t wait to tell Hoseok that he had almost remembered his shoes, couldn’t wait to see his face light up when he told him that even when his thoughts got bad it wasn’t nearly as overwhelming as it used to be.

He waited for the moment Hoseok broke out into that almost goofy grin upon seeing him at his door, he waited for the praise that would spill from his mouth and teasing words and soft laughs that were like music to the younger boys ears. It was almost like Changkyun had missed Hoseok – which was weird because he never really missed people, not really – and he stood outside his door with barely containable excitement as he waited for the moment they locked eyes over the threshold, all thoughts of Minhyuk or the cigarettes in his pocket disappearing as his impatience grew.

Unfortunately, the moment never came.

Hoseok didn’t open the door. Not after the first three knocks, and not after Changkyun repeated them a minute later in hopes the older boy just hadn’t heard them.

When he knocked for a third time and still got no reply, Changkyun could feel anxiety pool in his stomach and his face twist into a frown. Hoseok always opened the door. It was a constant in his life – Changkyun would knock, and Hoseok would answer, and the rest of the evening would be lost to soft laughs and downing vodka straight from the bottle.

He took a furtive glance around the hallway of his apartment complex just to check if anything was out of place. No, it seemed the narrow staircase was just as cramped as before, the rusty metal railings peeling little flecks of tin and the paint on the walls stained with damp. Scattered along the floor were the occasional chocolate bar wrapper or cigarette butt, the air smelling strangely like mould and the flickering light in the low ceiling reflecting off the broken glass in the far corner.

Everything seemed normal, but Hoseok wasn’t there.

Changkyun turned back to face the wooden door in front of him, the cheap plastic letters that read ‘7B’ dull in the glimmering light just below the little metal peephole. After a second of contemplation he pushed himself up on his tiptoes to peer through the little glass orb, hoping to catch sight of a familiar moving body or pair of brown eyes staring back at him.

However, there was no such thing. Hoseok’s apartment seemed warped in the fish-eye lens but it was too dirty for him to see much more than the brief outline of furniture and smudge of kitchen light.

If the light was on that was a good thing, right?

With a frown Changkyun pressed down on the handle out of curiosity and concern and his mind flitted back to the countless times the older boy had opened the door without needing a key and he was not surprised to find handle cold to the touch. The door was thankfully unlocked and with a slight metallic pop it came away from the door frame and opened inwards, gradually revealing the view of Hoseok’s cheap coach, messy floor and the dingy kitchenette with lights inlaid in the ceiling.

Tentatively he took a step inward, scanning his eyes over the entire room and tilting his head to peek around the coffee table, the familiar furniture seeming somewhat empty without the other boy there.

“Hoseok?” He called out, tone slightly worried, and there came no reply.

Hoseok wasn’t on the couch. He wasn’t in the kitchen either, or stood by the door. Changkyun supposed he could have gone out – maybe he was with Jooheon at one of the bars he frequented, or perhaps he had gone to the local corner shop to pick up some more booze or a couple packs of cigarettes - but with a sinking feeling in his stomach Changkyun eyes caught sight of his leather jacket thrown just by the side of the door where his boots were right by the keys to his bike. Weird, Changkyun had never noticed before but there was a keyring attached to his keys – a little plush heart, badly sewn and a little grubby.

“Hoseok?” He spoke slightly louder this time, padding with soft feet further into the apartment after closing the door with a quiet click behind him. Yet again there was no reply and Changkyun found himself stood just by the coffee table, eyeing the bottles and little bits of ash coating the wooden surface. There were more than usual and that was saying a lot considering how familiar the sight of green glass and Soju cans were becoming to Changkyun, but somehow hearing the slight fizz of one of the carbonated drinks left right by a dip in the pillows told Changkyun that Hoseok had been there, and he’d been there recently.

“Hoseok? Are you home?”

There was no reply, and Changkyun was about to let the sinking feeling in his stomach propel him back out the door and into the night air until, all of a sudden, there came a sound echoing throughout the apartment.

It sounded like a cough, muffled by the plaster of walls, deep and sounding invariably like Hoseok. There came another, this time more forceful, and Changkyun froze when he realised he wasn’t listening to somebody coughing but somebody retching.

Hoseok retching.

He was rooted to the spot as he listened, panic rising in his chest and eyes wide with fear. There only came two more coughs and then the sound of a clatter against bathroom tiles, and with breath already fastening Changkyun realised he needed to actually fucking do something and not just stand around in the familiar apartment all night and listen to his friend throw up.

There was already a slight shake in his hands and hitch in his breath as he began to make his way towards the bathroom. His ears were straining in search of anymore noise but none came and so he continued to make his way slowly through the small apartment corridor – fear both propelling him and hindering him – stomach forcing it’s way into his throat as his eyes took in the way the bright light of the bathroom spilled into the corridor before he took a deep breath and made the last couple of steps.

“Holy fuck-” Changkyun choked out, frozen in the doorway of the bathroom.

There was the unmistakable smell of stomach acid in the air and just being so close to it made Changkyun feel nauseous as well, but it was fortunately subtle, drowned out by the heavier smell of strong alcohol – unmixed, undiluted.

Hoseok was leant with his back pressed against the side of the bathtub, legs sprawled out on the tile floor in front of him with a bottle held loosely in his left hand. His right elbow leant crooked on the toilet seat and neck tilted to the side with mouth slightly open, top bunched up around his waist to show the smooth skin of his stomach as it rippled when he breathed. 

It was a terrifying sight. Not only upsetting but scary, seeing Hoseok of all people – the strong one, the boy who had saved him – sitting in such a vulnerable position like that with the rancid smell of vomit in the air and an alcohol stained shirt? It made Changkyun’s stomach tighten and throat constrict out of terror because holy fuck, what was he meant to do?

Hoseok’s eyes were closed, eyelashes long and fanning out over his cheek, but upon hearing Changkyun swear his lips pulled into a small smile. It was a mingling expression of relief and acceptance, like he’d just been told he’d been defeated but didn’t mind at all.

“Kid? That you?” His voice was slurred and quiet but it’s teasing lilt was still present, almost as if he was trying to pretend there was nothing wrong.

“Yes, holy fuck Hoseok, what the fuck-” Changkyun’s voice was filled with something close to terror and he took the few steps into the bathroom in panic. “Are you okay? Can I do anything? What happened?”

“Mm, I, mm..” Hoseok tried to laugh softy but the sound was croaky, and as Changkyun fell down onto his knees to get closer to him his head lolled back on the plastic bathtub with a painful thud. The angle meant the younger boy could see the sheen of sweat coating his face as it danced in the bright light of the bathroom and there was something smudged against his cheek that made Changkyun have to force himself to not gag. “Drank too much. Stupid. Fucking.. fuh-fucking stupid..”

“Shit, fuck, holy fuck-”

“Mmm.. mind your mouth kid..”

“Can I do anything? Do you need anything?” There was a rising panic in Changkyun’s voice as he spoke because holy shit, he was not equipped to deal with this.

“I need a fucking drink,” Hoseok laughed, then hiccupped, then grimaced and leant forward like he was about to throw up. He didn’t however, and after a few seconds of staring at the dry tiled floor he leant his head back on the bathtub with a groan.

With frantic eyes Changkyun glanced around the bathroom, eyes landing on a face towel draped just over the edge of the sink, and he took the rough fabric in his hands to thankfully find it was already damp. Without allowing himself to think twice Changkyun bought the cloth up to Hoseok’s face and began to wipe away whatever had smeared across his cheek, trying not to think about what it was for both his sake and Hoseok’s, swallowing the nausea collecting in his own stomach just at the sight.

“Don’t.. baby me, don’t..” Hoseok frowned and opened his eyes for a brief second to swat at the damp cloth. “I can take care of myself,”

“Shut the fuck up, I’m helping you,” The tone of his voice was very much an attempt to be demanding and maybe a little off hand, scared to engage in anything else for fear of the anxiety in his stomach to take over, but the small crack in his voice when he told Hoseok he was just helping him was enough to make the older boy lean his head back on the edge of the bathtub and allow him to scrub the last of whatever it was smudged just across his cheek.

His hand was shaking so much it took a few minutes to finish.

“The.. hmmm..” Hoseok seemed to mumble and Changkyun sat back on his heels as he watched his hand pat the floor with wide eyes. “The box..”

The box? Changkyun followed the sloppy gesturing of the older boy’s hand with his eyes until his panicked gaze landed on a little box just by the sink. Just from the looks of it the cardboard seemed to be cheap and there was no form of decoration on it – just a small box with a lid that Changkyun had never seen before. He leant over and picked it up with his shaking hands and it was surprisingly light – was there even anything in it?

“The box? Do you want it?” Changkyun glanced up at Hoseok to see him with his eyes closed and head slack before dragging his eyes back to the box he held in his lap with both hands. “Is there medicine in it?”

“No…” Hoseok’s hand seemed to fumble across his leg before it came to a rest on his forearm. “Don’t. Look,”

“But if it can help-”

“No,” Hoseok’s hand tightened around the younger boy’s arm. “Don’t look. In my room, put it in my room,”

“Okay Hoseok. Okay,” Changkyun took a shaky breath and pulled his arm away from where Hoseok’s fingers were wrapped around it, placing the box back under the sink where it had been before. “I’ll do that. I can- After we get you cleaned up, yeah? You can sleep on the couch,”

“I’m sorry, you think I’m.. I’m a fucking baby.. useless baby..” Hoseok choked out a laugh but it was slurred and bitter.

“No, I think you just drank a little too much. It’s fine, sometimes people do that,”

“Mm, sometimes,” A wry smile twisted on Hoseok’s face but he didn’t open his eyes. Changkyun took a second to let out a shaky breath, unable to look at the older boy for a few seconds without bile stinging his throat, and yet despite his fear he realised he was going to have to find a way to get Hoseok to move because he couldn't sleep on the bathroom floor like this, bottle in his hands.

“Hey, hey, kid..” Hoseok fumbled his hand along his sleeve until his fingers could wrap around the neck of his top, fisting the soft fabric between his knuckles and causing Changkyun to freeze just as he was about to push himself to his feet. He dragged his eyes over his face before looking in his eyes somewhat reluctantly.

“Yes Hoseok?”

“Mm gonna, gonna forget.. in the morning..”

“It’s okay, I.. I understand-”

“No. No, don’t tell me,” His eyes were hooded but stare intense as his slurred words echoed in the bathroom. Changkyun tried to ignore the smell of his breath and instead focussed on the tightening of his fist in his clothes. “In the morning. Pretend.. pretend you didn’t.. see me like this,”

“I.. Hoseok-”

The grip on his top tightened. Changkyun couldn’t move even if he wanted to.

“Promise me,”

“I promise,” He could barely choke out the words.

Hoseok seemed to visibly relax when he said that, falling into Changkyun’s shoulder with a wistful smile on his face, the hand that had been gripped on his top trailing down his torso and coming to rest on the floor. The younger boy couldn’t help the sigh of relief that escaped his mouth at the sight because he’d be lying to himself if he said the grip of his fist and alcohol-induced slur of Hoseok’s words hadn’t been a little bit scary. He was only a kid, he didn’t know how to deal with something like this.

Hoseok didn’t say anything else but allowed the younger boy to hook a thin arm around his shoulder, tug on the smooth area just under his armpit and wrinkle the fabric of his top as he pulled him to his feet. The older boy was heavy and Changkyun had a hard time not losing his balance as he found his feet but at least Hoseok still seemed to be present enough in the situation to at least drag his feet along the tiled floor as Changkyun helped him out the room.

Just as he was about to leave he pulled his arm away from Hoseok’s torso just for a second to reach back down to the tiled floor and pick up the box with his shaking hands. The older boy above him seemed to stumble without the support and lean against the wall of the small bathroom which allowed him to snake his arm back around his torso once he had the box safely tucked beneath his arm.

The few steps into the corridor and across the living room of the other boy’s apartment were the longest Changkyun had ever taken in his life. He had to keep pausing to check Hoseok’s lolling head wasn’t about to snap his neck and every few steps required him to adjust his position and check if the box was about to slip out from under where it was tucked between his inner elbow and ribcage. If Hoseok stumbled Changkyun did too, and so it took him almost two minutes to drag him all the way to the couch and let his heavy body fall back with a thud onto the cushions.

Changkyun's breath was fast and flighty as he placed the brown box just at the end of the coffee table and made his way along the small couch to collapse at the other end, pulling his knees up to his chest as he took in the other boy slumped just in front of him.

“Hoseok?” He asked softly, the words almost stuck in his throat, but there came no reply. Instead, Changkyun watched with wide eyes as his head seemed to droop on to the plush back of the couch and his face fell slack. He looked to be finally asleep and the younger boy was glad – not only was it hard to take care of him like this and he was obviously worried for his health but if he had passed out it meant he wouldn’t grab his shirt again or pull on his forearm.

With shaking hands his fingers found his pocket and he pulled one of the packets free – it was the Pink Kings, the one with Minhyuk’s scrawling blue numbers denting the cardboard – and he could hardly contain his frantic movements as he drew out a stick and lit the end with the lighter. It took a few tries, the spasms of his muscles meaning the flame kept missing the cigarette between his teeth, but eventually the coals grew hot and he could pull in a lungful of smoke just like always.

The box he’d left on the table was burning a hole in the corner of his vision as blew out the smoke with a shaky breath.

It was only when the heat had settled in his lungs and muscles relaxed into the couch did Changkyun finally feel the weight of what had just happened hit him. Like a punch in the gut, a tidal wave of emotion, it was suddenly completely overwhelming, the thoughts of what had just happened being thrown heavy on his head like he was being buried under them.

He was only a kid.

He couldn’t take care of somebody like that. What if he had hurt the older boy? What if it had been worse, and Hoseok had accidentally hurt himself?

Changkyun stared at the cigarette in his hand with little needles digging their pinpricks into the corner of his eyes, trying very hard to focus on the texture of the filter paper as it shook in his fingers instead of the somewhat steady deep breathing of Hoseok just across the couch from him. Without thinking Changkyun allowed his gaze to slide over his slumped shoulders, open mouth and closed eyes, and he felt a feeling rise in the pit of his stomach that almost made him want to gag.

No. No, this was Hoseok, and Hoseok sometimes drank too much but that was fine. That was fine because he was his friend and maybe something more and friends help each other even in situations like this.

He rubbed at his eyes and the frantic movement made the cigarette packet in his lap crinkle as the wrapper got caught between his legs. Changkyun gave a small sniff and picked up the cardboard with the hand not holding the cigarette and he was enthralled by the little blue numbers dug into the back of the packet. 

Minhyuk’s handwriting was childlike, the numbers round and almost feminine in appearance.

One message wouldn’t hurt, right? Minhyuk would know what to do. He could talk to Minhyuk about Hoseok.

It’s not like he could handle this alone, right?

He was only a kid.

With yet another sniff Changkyun shifted his weight to bring out the phone in his back pocket and swiped up, ignoring the few messages from Hyungwon as well as the two missed calls and instead tapped the contacts app, giving the profile just the name ‘Minhyuk’ with no picture attached.

He typed out a message with shaking hands, the screen hard to see through his blurred vision, and he hit send before he could even think about the older boy on the couch beside him.

The silence stretched on once the message had sent – the only sound in the apartment being Hoseok’s deep breathing and the occasional passing of a car outside his small window. One glance at the clock showed it to be the early hours of next morning already, and with a slight clench of his fingers around the cigarette he realised he’d just spent an hour of his life taking care of his friend blackout drunk and not from a party – just because he could.

With a newfound anger burning in his stomach Changkyun rubbed the coals of his cigarette into the coffee table with more force than necessary – perhaps burning the wood with the fire but he didn’t care – and pushed himself off the couch where he was sat. He didn’t look at Hoseok as he made his way around the coffee table and into the kitchenette, the bright lights casting a glow over the countertops in contrast to the dim setting of the rest of his apartment.

It was all the fucking alcohols fault. The alcohol had done this to Hoseok.

Changkyun couldn’t just fucking sit around and let that happen, right?

He opened the fridge as forcefully as he could with his shaking hands, all of a sudden fuelled by this overwhelming anger settling in his stomach and pumping through his veins.

The hum of electricity lit up the white shelves like some other world. There were a few vegetables in the bottom drawer and some milk in the side pocket but what made Changkyun stomach lurch was the rows of bottles along the top and bottom. The cheap green vodka brand they both drunk together, the cans of Soju pushed to the side in their many fruity flavours, a very expensive looking pink glass just in the corner and every space between filled by miscellaneous glass as well.

There were so many, but pretty soon there would be none.

Changkyun took one of the green bottles in his hand, wincing at the clink of glass against glass as he dragged it from the shelf, and he ignored the reflection of the light in the neck for favour of reaching over to the drawer with his other hand to pull it open with a clatter and take a knife.

He’d never opened a bottle before but there was a first time for everything. With one hand he held the glass steady against the counter and with the other he pushed the point of the knife under the cork, pushing it up and down like he'd watched Hoseok do so many times before until his levering resulted in a large pop and the sound of fizzing. Changkyun didn’t even allow himself to think twice before he held it above the sink basin and poured, seeing the alcohol fall into the sink with a loud glug and watching as it swirled down the drain.

He left the bottle in the sink and moved onto the next one.

The next cork was easier to remove now he knew what to do. He had to slip the knife between the slit of the glass and then push it up with a flick of the wrist. It wasn't long before he was holding the second bottle above the sink and hearing the liquid hit the basin with a loud splash.

Watching the swirl of alcohol as it bubbled down the drain, seeing the drip against the other glasses and smelling it as it ran in little rivulets down the side and splashed over the counter? Why, it was the most satisfying thing Changkyun had ever seen.

When he threw the last green bottle into the sink he did so with anger, and the crack of glass and tinkle as it hit the metal bottom of the sink was music to his ears.

Next came the cans, which were easy to open and even easier to pour, and the apartment was filled not only with the faint burn of liquor but also the smell of various fruity flavours as the carbonation fizzed down the drain and through the pipes. Each time he threw the cans he did so with more force than before, not caring when the beer splashed back at his face or dripped down the sides of the cupboard. He kept going back and forth between the fridge, getting faster and faster as his veins boiled with anger.

When it came to the final bottle – the elegant pink one, expensive glass cold beneath the pads of his fingers and the condensation wiping at his palm – Changkyun didn’t even think twice before levering the cork from the neck and holding it out over the sink. It didn’t matter if the wine was expensive, all that mattered was helping Hoseok, and with a loud crash of broken and intact glass and the little tinkle of metal cans he let the bottle fall into the full sink. The neck leaked little droplets of wine like blood as the last remains of the liquid ran into the drain and out of sight.

There. Now they couldn’t hurt his friend anymore.

His breath was rapid as he took in what he’d done – the bottles piled high in the sink and the smell of alcohol ripe in the air – but no panic rose like before to wash over the anger and drown him again. Instead there was only eerily calm, his panting loud in the now still apartment. There was no anger, no relief, no worry, all that was left was nothing. Changkyun liked it that way.

With a frown there came the weirdest sensation on his face – like an itch he hadn’t noticed before, or a little aching pain.

Changkyun bought his hand up to touch his cheek and the pads of his hands came away wet. He took a second to stare at the glistening water on his fingers as it reflected the dim light of the kitchenette

Changkyun had started to cry.

Changkyun never cried. He didn’t cry when his parent divorced when he was ten, he didn’t cry when his dog died at thirteen, he didn’t cry when he’d almost jumped off a bridge only two months ago. He never cried because when you spend most of your life not wanting to live anything else seems too little to bother tearing up over.

Except for Hoseok, except for the boy who’d taken him from the bridge that one night and given him a refuge, talked to him so much over the past two months he remembered his shoes far more often and even managed to get some schoolwork done.

Changkyun cried for Hoseok, hot salty tears for the boy who'd saved his life.

He rubbed at the tears as angrily as he could and gave a few sniffs before glancing over at the couch from the kitchenette. He couldn’t see much from where he was stood – only the smallest sliver of sweaty bleached hair and an arm dangling over the edge of the cushion – but it was enough to get him to move from where he was rooted to the spot in the kitchen and make his way back over to the couch.

As soon as he was stood just to the side of the coffee table he tilted his head to watch the steady rise and fall of Hoseok’s chest, surprisingly peaceful in his sleep. Without the animation of his face, cocky lilt in his voice or teasing grin, Hoseok looked younger. More carefree, even.

Why did he do this to himself? Why did he keep drinking even when he didn’t mean to? Changkyun thought back to what Minhyuk had said only a few hours ago – he’d mentioned that the younger boy was kind enough to visit Hoseok on a day like today. What did that mean? What was a day like today?

Changkyun’s eyes caught sight of the brown box on the edge of the coffee table. It was slightly smaller than a shoebox and rectangular in shape, the corners a little flat from use and there looked to be a stained ring of dried coffee on the lid from where he supposed somebody had once rested their mug.

He could look. Just a peek, open the lid a little and see what was inside. Hoseok was so far gone that he doubted he'd wake up for hours, and Changkyun would be lying if he told himself he wasn't a little curious as to the contents under the lid. Why had Hoseok been so determined to make sure he didn't look? Why had it been so light in his hands?

One little peek wouldn't hurt, right?

With a sigh Changkyun shook his head as if to solidify his own morals. No. Hoseok wouldn’t do that to him so he couldn’t do that to Hoseok.

His soft steps were loud in the quiet apartment as he moved to pick up the box with both his hands and the slim boy left Hoseok asleep on the couch behind him as he made his way into the small corridor of the apartment. To his left there was the open door to the bathroom – the bright white light falling into the hallway and the acidic smell still prominent even now - and directly opposite that was another door, the one that was always closed. Hoseok’s bedroom door. Changkyun had only ever seen the older boy enter it once on the one night they’d bleached his hair and he had needed to get the box, and he also assumed the time they pierced his ear he’d gone into the room to retrieve the earring they used after shoving the needle through his cartilage.

Besides from those two times Changkyun had never seen the door open but Hoseok had gripped his forearm hard and told him with slurring words to put the box back in his room as soon as he'd been cleaned up. While the thought of going into his room without the other boy by his side laughing or poking fun at him made his stomach twist with anxiety he wasn't about to go against his word. This wasn’t how he’d envisioned stepping into Hoseok’s room for the first time but it seemed to be the only option left.

He didn’t allow himself to think twice before pushing down on the handle, hearing it click and then swinging the door inward and taking a few steps inside.

The light from the bathroom fell into the dark room – there were no windows, only bare walls – and while it was dim the light was enough to illuminate the corner of an immaculately made double bed. There were a few creases in the covers and the floor was soft carpet, the light falling from the doorway behind Changkyun led his eyes to the two bedside tables on either side, the two cupboards next to them, the two pillows on the bed. It was surprisingly clean considering the rest of Hoseoks apartment as there were no cigarette butts on either of the cabinets or bottles lying on their side by the bed.

If Changkyun didn’t know any better he’d say two people lived here, not one.

He felt weird alone in the bedroom. Like he was intruding on something he shouldn’t, and so he hurried to place the box on one of the dusty bedside tables and then leave as quick as he could. The second he’d left the room he physically felt his body relax against the plaster of the wall just next to the frame, and with a sigh he pushed himself away and made his way over to curl up on the couch again. He didn’t look at Hoseok as he did so.

Just as he was about to light up another cigarette, stick already in his hand and lighter clicking under his fingers, there came a buzz from inside his pocket. It took him a few seconds of frowning to realise it was his phone and so he shifted his weight to pull it from his jeans. When he lifted the bright screen to his tired eyes there was a little envelope icon blinking at him from just under the time.

The message was from Minhyuk, and he read the little pixel letters with as little feeling as he could.

‘ _I’m free tomorrow cutie, wanna meet up? xx_ ’

Changkyun frowned a little. He promised he’d meet Hyungwon after college tomorrow, but his friend would understand if he had to bail, right? There were only a few days left until the Christmas holidays and he still had one or two deadlines left, surely he could make some excuse about extra study and his best friend would understand?

Changkyun thought about it. His thumb hovered over the pixelated keyboard, about to reply with an agreement and ask for a time, but just as his finger went to tap the screen Hoseok shifted in his sleep. His body tensed and then relaxed as he moved his torso to the other side and let his head loll on his shoulder.

With a tired sigh Changkyun rubbed at his face with one hand before typing a quick reply and hitting send without allowing himself to think twice. 

‘ _not tomorrow. how about the weekend?_ ’

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hoseok was used to waking up hungover. 

The pounding of his temples was familiar to him, the groans that fell from his lips almost comforting as he shifted his aching back and opened his eyes to the bare ceiling of his apartment. Peeling his eyelids apart was hard when they were dry, and his mouth tasted faintly of sick and strongly of alcohol.

Moving his hands up to rub at his face only elicited another groan from his aching chest as he shifted on the couch cushions, pulling himself off where his back was leant uncomfortably against the couch behind him and blinking in the dim light. From the sounds of traffic drifting through the window and the faint rays of sunlight streaming through the clouds it seemed to be the afternoon – albeit a cloudy winters one – but Hoseok couldn’t even focus on his thoughts let alone try and read the time on the clock mounted just by the door to find out if he was right.

He dragged his puffy eyes around the apartment slowly, sat on the edge of the couch like he was forgetting something but he couldn’t quite remember what, and with a start he realised he wasn’t waking up alone in his apartment like usual. Instead his eyes grazed another person sat just across from him on the sofa, knees pulled up to his chest and head resting on the cushions with eyes closed and face peaceful, and with a funny feeling in his stomach that wasn't just nausea from the hangover Hoseok realised the orange haired boy was Changkyun.

Since when had he gotten there?

He could hardly remember anything of the previous night. It had been a messy blur of drinks, chain-smoking and ignoring calls from Jooheon, and with a frown he realised that sifting through his memories from the night before only left him with a headache even more painful than previously. What day was it again?

He needed a cigarette. And a drink. Preferably both in quick succession of each other, but before he even thought of dragging his tired body to the fridge or lighting a stick in the dim daylight he needed to clean himself up. There was something sticky at the corner of his mouth and it refused to come off when he rubbed the pads of his fingers across it, not to mention he couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a proper shower and the state of the wrinkled shirt he wore might or might not have been because he hadn’t changed in a couple of days.

There were a few seconds in which Hoseok simply stared at the younger boy across him, small and fragile looking curled up at the end of the sofa, and he supposed he should have been a little more concerned by the four little cigarette butts littering the coffee table just where he was sleeping but the pounding of his head propelled him to push his aching body off the couch without so much as a second thought.

After the light headedness has passed in a blur of colours and a slight stumble Hoseok made his way into the bathroom, scratching at his head before running a hand through his hair to untangle the knots.

From just inside the cupboard above the since he pulled out a blue packet of painkillers. He had long since gotten past the point of two of the little white tablets helping him in any way and so he popped out four from the little metallic case and downed them dry. The powdered coating left a weird taste in his mouth but it was a lot better than the strange acidic one he’d woken up with.

A quick survey of the bathroom meant his eyes landed upon a bottle on the floor just by the bathtub and he picked it up with a frown. There was also a dirty hand towel in the sink and Hoseok glanced at it as well – since when had that gotten there? He knew he was messy, but something as gross as that he’d had cleaned up before, right?

He gave the bottle a shake and was pleased to hear the gentle slosh of flat liquid from inside and so he bought it up to his lips and downed it all in one go without allowing himself to think twice. The lack of carbonation meant his throat didn’t burn from the alcohol like usual but even just feeling the liquid pool in his stomach was enough to wake him up considerably and so he gave a small stretch of his arms, pulled off his top and let his jeans pool on the floor before turning the tap for the shower on and relishing in the thud of water as it exploded from the rusty head.

The hot water hit his back hard the second he stepped into the tub, trailing down in little rivulets and dripping from his fingers on to the stained bathtub below. It was too hot with the hiss of steam as it hit his cold skin and the water vapour leaking into the rest of the bathroom showing by just by how much but Hoseok didn’t care. The hot water relaxed his aching muscles and almost seemed to help his headache dissolve and run down the drain along with the rest of the dirt on his body. 

His hands rubbed at the back of his neck as he tilted his head under the flow of the water and Hoseok was instantly reminded of the way Changkyun’s small hands had gripped him there sat on the sink those weeks ago. He let his fingers ghost over the front of his chest absentmindedly as he remembered the younger boy’s delicate ones doing the same, his own hands not causing the trail of fire and familiar feeling to pool in his stomach he so desperately craved.

It wasn’t long after that until his hands found his own lips, wet under the running water and slippery against the pads of his fingers, and not only did he remember just what he'd tasted like - smoke and cinnamon and the colour yellow - but what he'd felt like pressed against his body, small waist held by one of his hands and the hitch of his breath causing his mind to react in a way that made him wonder just how he'd managed to pull away that one time.

So small and fragile, so like the first. Begging for him to do so much more with those big round eyes and parted pink lips and slight frame he just wanted to feel beneath him –

With a sigh Hoseok shut off the shower with a turn of the handle and stood dripping in the bathtub alone.

He felt a lot better after the shower, like his hangover had fallen down the drain like liquid as he’d stood under the hot water. His headache was waning, eyes no longer almost swollen shut, and it was only as he stepped out the bathtub and began to dry his body did he realise he’d left the door wide open. He’d forgotten Changkyun was home but the thought of him maybe walking in didn’t bother him in the slightest, not now he’d traced his tattoos with delicate fingers and asked for Hoseok to let him in.

Hoseok was trying to let Changkyun in – albeit slowly – but it was working to some degree. He’d met with Jooheon three times over the past week and each meeting had ended in his best friend looking at him almost proudly like he couldn’t believe how far he’d come.

Once out of the shower and relatively dry he pulled on the underwear hung on the small metal rack as well as the jeans he had been wearing the previous day - light blue denim, distressed at the knees - and buckled the belt loosely. He didn’t bother pulling on a t-shirt for the one he'd removed before stepping in the shower was wrinkled and had a weird stain on the shoulder and so, with a small sigh, he took one of the towels from where it lay in the corner of the bathroom and began to rub at his wet hair as he made his way back into the main room of his apartment. Hoseok doubted Changkyun would mind if he was shirtless and he'd be lying to himself if he said it wasn't a little bit on purpose.

When he returned to the living room he couldn’t help the happy feeling that flooded his body upon seeing Changkyun awake. He had a cigarette between his teeth and he looked to be trying to light it, but the long fluffy hair that corkscrewed over his puffy eyes and the slight shake of his hands meant his face was screwed up rather cutely as he tried to flick the lighter on.

Eventually it lit and Hoseok watched him take a small breath, disgruntled and a little grumpy, before his eyes flickered up to where he was stood in the doorway still towel drying his wet hair.

Hoseok grinned in greeting.

“You look cute in the morning,” He said softly as a way to break the silence without hurting his tired ears.

There was a few seconds of nothing as Changkyun stared at him with an unreadable expression on his face before averting his eyes but Hoseok wasn’t stupid, he’d seen his gaze flit down to his bare torso before he’d dragged them back to his cigarette and the sight made him grin even more.

“Thanks,”

“Where the fuck did you get those cigarettes?” He laughed and briefly gestured to the stick in his hand with the towel, the fabric damp from his hair.

“I bought them,” The younger boy spoke without hesitation and his voice was surprisingly firm.

“I wish I hadn’t asked,” Hoseok shook his head with a grin. Trust the kid to do something like that when they hadn’t seen each other in what – ten days? Maybe more? He decided to pose another question as he watched him take a drag. “When did you get here?”

“Last night, uh, around eleven?”

“And I was already passed out? Shit, kid, I’m sorry,” He laughed softly and tilted his head to the side to rub at his neck with the towel. “I take it you decided not to go to college today?”

“Mmm,” Changkyun’s eyes flitted up to Hoseok for a brief second before returning to stare at his cigarette. “Do you.. do you remember anything? From last night?”

“Remember? Nah, I think I drank too much and fell asleep on the couch,” Hoseok laughed softly once again because it was typical really, the one night Changkyun decides to visit him he passes out before he even got to say hello. “I’d say it won’t happen again but shit, that Soju is good,”

Changkyun remained surprisingly quiet but Hoseok paid him no mind – he was probably tired and he wouldn’t put it past the reckless kid to have gone into his fridge and drunk some of his alcohol even while Hoseok had been asleep. “Speaking of which, I really need a fucking drink. Want some too kid?”

“It’s two in the afternoon,” Changkyun’s voice was quiet but Hoseok wasn't particularly bothered by it as he made his way around the back of the couch, breakfast bar flanking his other side and allowing him to throw the now wet towel on the cushions as he passed.

“Doesn’t stop me needing a drink does it?” Hoseok grinned a little but Changkyun remained silent on the couch, not even looking up to smile at him. There was something off about his behaviour but the older boy dismissed the slight nervousness in his stomach at the thought, his mood surprisingly positive despite his obvious hangover and he had a sneaking suspicion it was the fact he'd woken up to Changkyun already in his apartment that morning, like a Christmas gift come early.

“We can open a bottle and you can stay another night if you want,” Hoseok offered as he made his way into the kitchenette. “Should I crack open the expensive wine since you’re gonna be here all night? I was saving it for a special occasion but I guess today is as good a day as any-”

All of a sudden Hoseok froze.

“Oh,”

The sound that slipped from his lips was quiet, like somebody had pushed his stomach with flat palms and the air had been expelled from his lungs, and it came as a shock because of what was in front of him.

His sink was filled to the brim with bottles. The cheap Vodka ones the majority, crumpled cans between them, and with a sinking feeling in his stomach Hoseok realised the reflection of pink glass in the right corner was expensive looking wine.

“Changkyun?” He said quietly, almost looking for reassurance. “What’s all this?”

“I’m sorry,”

He looked up to see the younger boy stood just by the edge of the kitchen counter having moved from the couch while Hoseok had been in shock. He looked guilty. 

“Did you do this?” Hoseok tore his gaze away from his brown eyes to look back at the sink. He couldn’t bring himself to step any closer – the sight of the empty bottles in the sink and the lingering smell of alcohol was both scary and sad, like the ache in his chest was from a lost loved one and not from the waste of liquor.

“I..”

“You did?” Hoseok frowned and took a few tentative steps closer. “What the actual fuck, Changkyun?” He breathed as he took in the full scale of the glass graveyard that was the sink.

“I didn’t mean to,”

“What the fuck? This is.. this is literally everything?” Hoseok picked up one of the bottles and not only did it clink when it moved, but the faint patter of little bits of glass against the metal sink told him that the basin wasn't just filled with empty bottles, but broken ones too. “You poured all my alcohol down the drain?”

“I can explain-”

“All of it?” Hoseok glanced from the bottle he held in his hand to Changkyun for a brief moment before turning his attention back to the sink. “Fucking- kid, what the fuck?”

“I was trying to help,”

Hoseok let out a gasp and gingerly took the pink wine bottle in his hand, sticky glass smooth against the tips of his fingers. “Holy shit, my Rose Gold too? Kid, that’s fucking _expensive,_ ”

“I saw something, and so I, I, the best thing to do was pour it all down the drain-”

“What.. the fuck?” Hoseok let the bottle fall back into the sink with a crash but he didn’t care about the broken glass, turning to face the younger boy behind him instead. “What the fuck did you see that would make you do this, huh? What the fuck?” Hoseok was aware his voice was rising but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“I’m sorry,” Changkyun’s eyes widened and he seemed to take a step back.

“You’re such a fucking kid, Changkyun, what the fuck-” Hoseok knew he was irrationally angry, taking out his soberness and tiredness on the younger boy but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He needed a drink but all of it was gone and Changkyun was the one to blame. “You can’t just come into my apartment and pour all my fucking alcohol down the drain, Changkyun, this is adult shit!” 

“I am an adult,” It sounded like he was trying to be defiant but his voice just came out small instead.

“You what?”

“I said, I’m an adult. I’m nineteen,” Changkyun took a breath and a small, tentative step forward. The fact that his hands were held out in front of him like he was approaching some kind of animal made the fire burn more in Hoseok’s veins. He was tired and all he needed was a fucking drink. “You’re obviously hurting Hoseok and I just-”

“Oh, obviously. Obviously! The big scary biker is fucking hurting, huh?” Hoseok couldn’t help the anger rising in his throat. “Better not talk to him about it and instead go behind his back to throw all his fucking alcohol away-“

“I was trying to help you!”

“Trying to help me how? Why? What did you see that would make you do this, huh?” Hoseok was gesturing at the bottles in the sink behind him with his hand and Changkyun’s eyes didn’t move from his face as he spoke.

“What did you see, huh kid? What the fuck did you see?”

“I.. I don’t..” Changkyun stumbled over his words, bottom lip quivering slightly and hands picking at his fingernails. He seemed guilty but also like he was fighting some internal battle, and as Hoseok watched his mouth open and close with uncertainty something clicked in his mind. It was sudden, but the second the switch flipped in his mind he froze, no longer mad, just kind of surprised.

He knew what Changkyun had seen.

The puzzle pieces fit together perfectly. What he’d seen his bathroom that morning, not knowing when Changkyun had turned up the night before, his hangover worse than it usually was.

When he spoke next his voice was scarily calm, all pretence of the rising anger and harsh words lost in the strange quietness of the apartment.

"Changkyun. Why did you ask me if I remembered last night?"

"I.. Hoseok, I don’t-“

Hoseok grimaced at his hesitation. "Why?"

"I can't tell you.."

Changkyun looked like he was trying not to lie.

As far as Hoseok knew, Changkyun didn't lie. He was honest with him about wanting to die, honest about smoking with Minhyuk, honest about his sexuality and hatred of school and everything else in between. Changkyun wasn't a liar - so why was he about to lie now?

"What was the date yesterday?" Hoseok said quietly, studying the younger boy’s face for any signs of the truth. He wasn’t as distracted by the dark circles or puffy, tired eyes like usual, instead the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach took all of his attention as the situation slowly began to dawn on him.

"The fourteenth,"

The words hit him like a punch in the gut but he was so rooted to the spot he didn’t even flinch, just felt his face grimace as he let out a breath.

The fourteenth. Of December. Hoseok had fucking drunk himself into oblivion because he couldn’t deal with the idea that a past him had been happier than he would ever be again. His arm almost began to ache at the words, the letters inked into his skin a reminder of something he didn’t want to be reminded of.

Hoseok took a deep shaky breath before speaking again, trying to quell the slight tremble of his hands as well as the panic rising in his throat at the thought of the fact that he had no alcohol left to douse everything he was feeling in the familiar fire.

"Changkyun. I.. I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with me,"

"..okay,"

"I.. I wasn't passed out on the couch when you turned up, was I?"

There was a pause where they both stared at each other across the kitchen before Changkyun dropped his eyes to the ground. 

“No,”

His voice was quiet, and upon hearing the words Hoseok let out a breath he hadn’t known he was holding and felt his eyes close.

The shame was always the first thing to hit. The shame of not knowing what he’d done the night before, and the shame of understanding that whatever Changkyun had seen last night had been harrowing enough for him to pour all his alcohol down the drain.

He knew where he would have been. 

Sprawled on the bathroom floor most likely, incompetent and probably throwing up.

It would explain the smell, and the dirty face towel, and the half empty bottle still fizzing with leftover carbonation that he’d downed only ten minutes ago. It would explain Changkyun pouring all his alcohol away after seeing him in such a vulnerable state, it would explain his hesitation to tell him exactly what he had seen and it would explain the pounding of his head as his hangover doused his body in shame.

All Hoseok had was shame.

Lighting up his body in little pinpricks, twisting his stomach into knots, tugging at his eyes and making them ache even though he hadn’t cried in almost a year.

But then, all of a sudden, the shame wasn’t the only fire on his body.

There was a weird pressure against the side of his neck and he froze as it enveloped both the side of his jaw and the bottom of his ear. Whatever it was pressed against his skin was surprisingly cold and had little dents between the bumps, and just as he was about to open his eyes to see what it was there came the strange feeling of pressure against his lips.

The surprise was overwhelming but instead of stepping away in shock and rubbing at his face he simply stood stock still and frozen, feeling the pressure on his lips increases as whatever was pressed against them began to move. The hand on his neck was gentle but firm, delicate in one way but cautious in the other, and after a moment or two Hoseok realised Changkyun was kissing him.

It only took a few more seconds of their lips being pressed together before Hoseok decided to kiss back.

And it was tender and slow, so unlike the rushed, tipsy kiss they’d shared exactly two weeks ago. It was full of unspoken emotions, Hoseok focusing simply on the comforting pressure of Changkyun’s lips against his own instead of the shame that had blossomed in his chest. It was almost as if the kiss chased away the feelings of horror inside him, a reassurance for the older boy that whatever had happened didn’t matter, and Changkyun wasn’t going anywhere.

He kept his eyes closed when the younger boy pulled back slightly. There were a few seconds of silence before Hoseok chose to speak after wetting his lips with his tongue, voice a little hoarse and tinged with longing.

"What was that kid?"

When he spoke his bottom lip grazed against what he supposed was Changkyun's and he felt his head lean into his hand absentmindedly, the touch still tender and gentle. 

“Me kissing you,”

He didn’t open his eyes but he felt a small smile pull at his face all the same.

“You should, uh-” He took an unsteady breath but didn’t open his eyes for fear of seeing the younger boy staring right back. “You should do that again,”

“Why?” Changkyun’s voice was small and almost lost in the quiet apartment and the closeness of their bodies.

Hoseok didn’t have the fight left in him. Changkyun had seen him in his most vulnerable state, what point was there in pretending anymore? The fact that he had seen him like that and was still choosing to kiss him? It gave him hope that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to let Changkyun in. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to let himself touch him like he’d wanted to for so, so long.

He took a deep breath and spoke the words on the tip of his tongue for once.

“’Cos it’s hard to focus on the fact I’m meant to be mad at you when your lips are on mine,” He said softly.

There was a brief moment where nothing happened, his words hanging heavy the air between them, eyes still closed for fear of seeing disgust or loathing or hatred on the younger boys face.

And then Changkyun kissed him again.

This time it was perfect. This wasn’t two am in his tiny bathroom, one of them high and the other one tipsy, both sloppy and a little confused. This wasn’t tender like the one mere moments ago, wasn’t tainted with an apology or heavy words hanging in the air. No, this time it was just because they could, and that was the only kiss Hoseok had ever craved.

He ghosted his hands along his waist and Changkyun leaned into his hands without hesitation. It was almost funny how easily the younger boy melted into his body, how perfectly they seemed to fit together despite having almost been yelling at each other a few minutes ago.

Hoseok could forget about the smashed bottles in his sink and sticky alcohol drying at the bottom. He could forget about the shame of whatever had happened the night before, forget the sadness that had caused it, forget anything and everything when Changkyun was all that was there. The taste of smoke and cinnamon, the lingering colour yellow, pretending everything was okay just like it should be.

There was a moment in which the movements between them changed. A slight tilt of Changkyun's head, a tightened grip on the back of his neck, and suddenly tender touches were a little more needy. The hand placed on Hoseok’s neck was tighter, pushing around to thread slim fingers through his hair and pulling the older boy towards him and Hoseok didn’t mind in the slightest. With Changkyun’s hand tangled in his hair he chose to push himself towards him in need, the younger boy reaching up his other arm to thread it around his neck just like in the bathroom all those weeks ago – except this time Hoseok didn’t pull away but chose to deepen the kiss instead.

It grew frantic fast, like all the tension that had built up over them knowing each other was being released in the mass of breaths and closeness in their bodies. All their anger and insecurity and emotion spilling over into their eager pulling and kissing and hard movement of their lips.

Hoseok was pressing as close to Changkyun as he could and the younger boy seemed to be doing the same, but their body mass was so different Hoseok just ended up pushing him until he stumbled backwards, the slim arms wrapped around his neck pulling Hoseok with him. There came a sharp exhale from the younger boy as his lower back supposedly hit the counter of the kitchen behind him but that didn’t stop their deepening kisses and it wasn’t long before he had somehow found his way up on kitchen counter, the oven on one side and bottle filled sink on the other, some of Changkyun’s weight supported by Hoseok because of the cupboard behind his head.

Then all of a sudden the pressure against his lips disappeared and Hoseok opened his eyes in shock to see Changkyun staring back at him. His cheeks were flushed pink, lips glistening and maybe a little swollen, and his rapid breath was wet against his cheek as he was held in place by the hand in his hair and the arm wrapped around his neck.

"Hoseok?" He said softly, supposedly after catching his breath. When he spoke his name like that – breathless, hot and hoarse - it sent little shivers down his spine and he found himself staring at his wet lips intently.

"Yeah kid?" He mumbled.

"Are you mad at me?"

Hoseok let out an exhale with a smile, because yes, he was mad. There was no alcohol left for him to drink and that had been a lot of money poured down the drain just because Hoseok had fucked up, but in the moment none of it seemed to matter. He wasn’t mad at Changkyun but mad at himself for letting it get this far both in terms of his drinking and unwillingness to touch the younger boy.

"Am I ever fucking mad at you?” He felt a small grin pull at his face but Changkyun’s eyes were still wide and worried.

“I can buy back the alcohol, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you-”

“Kid?” He spoke over his frantic words, still a little breathless.

“Yeah?”

“Shut the fuck up and kiss me,”

The smile that broke out on Changkyun’s face was the most beautiful thing Hoseok had ever seen, the crinkle of his tired eyes and chapped lips eliciting a special kind of warmth to grow in his stomach.

Changkyun kissed him again and this time Hoseok was left to wonder just how much he’d been holding back before. This was a mess of open mouths and tugging on his hair and pressing of his body against Hoseok’s, the sensations sending the older boy into overdrive as he moved against the small body propped on the counter between himself and the cupboard behind him.

Hoseok didn’t let himself think twice before using his hands to push up the edges of Changkyun’s shirt so it pooled around his wrists, wrapping his fingers around the bare skin of the youngers boys slim waist and it was surprisingly cold against his palms. At the contact the younger boy’s breath hitched in his throat and by god, if it wasn’t the most beautiful sound Hoseok had ever heard.

“Kiss my neck,” Changkyun’s mumbled words were muffled against his lips.

“Kid-”

“Do it,”

For the first time Hoseok hesitated. He wanted to do it, holy fuck, he'd never wanted anything more, but what if it was too far? What if Changkyun decided that he’d rather not go down this route with him?

“Please?” Changkyun pulled back a little to look at him with those wide eyes, a little breathless and slightly flushed, and when the word fell from his tongue it made Hoseok tighten his grip on his slim waist.

Please. Changkyun was saying please.

Hoseok never said no to Changkyun.

The younger boy tilted his neck back until his head hit the cupboard behind him with a small thud, allowing Hoseok to ghost his lips along his jawline as if testing the waters before jumping right in. Changkyun gave a small shudder just at the whisper of a contact and Hoseok took that as permission to press a kiss to the smooth skin of his neck. When the other boy’s hand tightened his grip in his hair he knew he was having no second thoughts about asking for this and Hoseok was wondering just how he’d managed to resist doing this exact thing for so long. The sound of Changkyun’s hitched breathing made warmth pool in the bottom of his stomach and he followed through the first kiss with even more, not peppering light chaste pecks but dragging his lips from the swell of neck just beneath his ear all the way down to his collarbone as tantalisingly slow as he could. The slower he went the more Changkyun’s breathing hitched and stuttered and that was the sound Hoseok craved the most.

“Do you like people kissing your neck?” He asked softly, speaking the words into his skin.

Thin hands gripped at his shoulders as he did so and it was only then Hoseok remembered that he wasn’t even wearing a shirt. After taking a shower he hadn’t bothered to pull one over his body and his hair was still a little damp from the water which would explain why Changkyun’s hands were wet as they gripped his shoulders tightly.

“I like _you_ kissing my neck – ah,” Changkyun squirmed a little as Hoseok continued while he spoke, the younger boys breath hot and wet on his ear and fuelling his desire like coal thrown on a fire.

Hoseok didn’t allow himself to think twice before he let his teeth graze the taut skin of his neck and all of a sudden there came a sharp intake of breath from above him, and then a small whimper.

The sound made Hoseok pull back, breathless and flushed, because holy fuck his mind shouldn’t be going where it was.

“Ah, fuck-” Changkyun’s nails dug into his shoulders as he jerked away from his kiss. “Why did you stop?” He didn’t seem mad, just flustered and panting slightly, eyes wide and confused.

“Did you like that too?”

“Do it again,” The hands on his shoulders tightened their grip as Changkyun’s eyes grew wide. “Please, Hoseok,”

The way he spoke was fervent, pleading with a tug on his torso and little unsteady breaths, and who was Hoseok to start saying no to the kid now? 

He grazed his teeth along his neck once again before picking at a spot to suck – a nice supple curve just where the muscle lay underneath – and as he did so the high whimpering sound that escaped the other boys parted lips twisted his stomach in desire. With a slight smile Hoseok realised the nails of Changkyun’s svelte fingers digging into his shoulders would probably leave little crescent marks the minute he pulled away. He didn't mind in the slightest

“Hoseok, _please_ -” 

Changkyun’s voice was cut off when Hoseok’s lips found their way back to his and so he never got to find out what he was pleading for. It was almost as if the world didn’t exist around them. Hoseok’s problems, Changkyun’s problems, the bottles in the sink and his keening headache and the hum of the traffic drifting through his open window, none of them existed in that one moment. Hoseok wasn’t an alcoholic, Changkyun wasn’t a kid with depression, they were just two boys – one a young adult, the other a college student – making out on a shitty kitchen counter like they’d just had a pizza date after class and were kissing just for fun.

His thoughts were only one thing.

Changkyun. Changkyun’s hands running down his body, digging nails into his shoulders, pulling at his neck and back and torso, pushing his body against his with what could only be described as need. Changkyun’s legs wrapping around his upper thighs to pull him closer, the deep sound echoing in the back of Hoseok’s throat and muffled by their lips almost definitely a groan. He had to put out one of his hands onto the cupboard with a loud thud to stop him crushing the younger boy as they grew impossibly closer, but he kept his other hand firmly on the skin of his waist, perhaps dragging it a little higher to rest at the bottom of his ribcage and the movement meant his thin top lifted to show his stomach. 

His stomach. Changkyun's hand was on his stomach, fingers pointed to the ceiling and palm pressed flat against his abdomen, and Hoseok was too distracted by his occasional keening whimpers to pay much attention to the fire being lit across his body as tips of his fingers dragged lower, and lower, and lower -

The sound of a phone ringing from across the room broke them apart into a tangled mess of hot panting breath and confused thoughts.

“It’s Hyungwon,” Changkyun mumbled, trying to press another wet kiss to Hoseok lips. “Ignore it,”

“Why is he calling?” The older boy couldn’t help the obviously strained sound of his voice as there came a pressure against his jaw when he pulled back a little further.

“I.. ah,” Changkyun trailed his lips along Hoseok’s own neck much like they’d done in the opposite only minutes before. “I promised him I’d meet him this afternoon, at the café,”

“Go and answer it kid,”

“I much prefer this,”

“You need to-fuck, okay,” Hoseok shut his eyes to block out the tempting flush of his cheeks and light sheen of sweat because it was really hard to be the adult and tell the kid what to do when he was looking at him with those wide, innocent eyes and shiny pink lips just begging to be touched. “To be a good friend,”

“Why are you defending him?” Changkyun mumbled when Hoseok opened his eyes, a slight frown pulling at his slightly pink face. “He doesn’t even like you,”

“I’m doing you a favour and saving your friendship here Changkyun,” Hoseok let his hands pull away from his torso with a small smile, averting his eyes from the younger boys lips as he dragged his tongue over them almost absentmindedly. Did he even know he was always being such a tease? “Go. Answer it,”

When Changkyun didn’t reply straight away, breath still a little quick from where his legs hung over the kitchen counter, Hoseok gestured to the bottle filled sink right next to where he was sat with a small smile. “I need to clean up the mess you made anyway, there’s broken glass everywhere and I don’t want you getting hurt,”

Changkyun looked down like he was guilty. 

“Hey, kid, look,” Hoseok reached out to lift his face to look at him, letting his mouth form a small grin in a way that hopefully told of his lack of anger now. He felt bad for how he’d reacted so irrationally because of the empty bottles and he felt bad for not remembering what had happened the night before – it wasn’t even Changkyun’s fault because, like he’d said when they'd almost argued, the kid had just been trying to help. “A lot of things have just happened, yeah? And we can talk about it later, but please, go answer your phone before I do it for you,”

Changkyun frowned, seeming to realise something about Hyungwon’s reaction if it was Hoseok who picked up the phone, before giving a small, hitched sigh and untangling his hands from his hair. The older boy stayed frozen while he pushed himself off the counter and padded across to where his phone was vibrating madly on the coffee table.

The second he’d left, Hoseok felt cold without him pressed against his body. His lips tingled slightly, and he knew that if he could see himself in that moment his lips would be red and wet, hair damp over his forhead and slightly fast breath a result of what he'd just done. Fuck, Hoseok had missed that feeling of frantic longing and lust and need more than he'd realised.

He needed a few seconds to really process what had happened. He’d just kissed Changkyun again – no, more than that. He’d trailed kisses along his neck, had a glimpse into what he'd feel like under him, felt warmth pool in the bottom of his stomach as he’d whimpered at his touch.

“ _Please, please Hoseok-_ ”

He’d only just had a hot shower, but he was going to need to take a cold one as soon as possible after hearing that in his ear.

All of a sudden the younger boys voice called out through the apartment and this time it wasn’t just a fabrication of his mind but actual words and he turned around to see Changkyun knelt on the couch cushions and looking at him with eyebrows raised. His phone was in his hand but it was no longer ringing. The sight made an exasperated grin find its way onto his face because fucking hell, that kid could be such a little shit sometimes.

“Hey, Hoseok-” He began, feigning some kind of innocence.

“Call him back,”

“Ugh, fucking fine,” Changkyun’s face screwed up somewhat cutely when he realised he’d been called out on the lie and he turned back to his phone screen with a disgruntled expression before tapping the glass and the sound of it ringing filled the apartment and then the click sounded to show it had been received.

“Hey, um, Hyungwon, sorry I didn’t pick up,” Changkyun began, and he shot Hoseok a glance when he held the phone up to his ear. “I was, uh, a little busy,”

Hoseok laughed softly and turned back to the sink, letting the conversation fade into the background as he surveyed the mess in front of him. Once again the empty bottles made his chest ache with some kind of feeling, like somebody had smashed his heart in the sink along with the glass and poured the contents down the drain, but with a sigh he shook his head to dispel the thoughts and began to gingerly pick the intact bottles and slightly crumpled cans from the sink to line them up on the counter.

He ignored the slight shake of his hand as he did so. He could buy more alcohol later, when Changkyun was long gone and having fun with Hyungwon, and the thought kept him going as he turned on the tap in short bursts to wash the drying wine from the sides of the basin.

“How the fuck do you know I'm with Hoseok?”

Changkyun was loud all of a sudden and Hoseok couldn’t help looking back over his shoulder with a grin to see the younger boy’s orange hair over the edge of the couch, face pulled into a grimace as the little tinny voice echoing from the speakers of his phone grew louder and piercing in his ear glinting in the afternoon light streaming in from the window.

He raised his eyebrow and jerked his head towards the phone in Changkyun’s hand and the boy seemed to know he was asking about what Hyungwon was saying, so with a roll of his eyes Changkyun held the phone away from his ear and the sound of Hyungwon’s metallic voice echoed through the entire apartment.

"- _so irresponsible Changkyun, Professor Kim came to find me at lunch and I could hardly tell him you were hanging out with some hot biker guy five years older than you-_ "

Hoseok chuckled at the sound of it, Hyungwon’s tone of voice seeming very much like a mother reprimanding her child for taking the last cookie out of the tin without telling her.

Changkyun held a finger up to his lips with a grin on his face, stifling a laugh himself.

" _\- he's not even that good looking! His ears stick out way too much. And he got you to start smoking. I looked it up while waiting for you earlier and did you know that people can form addictions to cigarettes after just a week? One week! You’ve known him for two whole months -_ "

Changkyun rolled his eyes and brought the phone back up to his ear, making Hoseok stifle another laugh as he continued scrubbing at the alcohol stains left in the sink from what Changkyun had done last night, taking care to scoop the little glass particles into a corner to avoid hurting himself.

His head hurt. He really needed a drink.

"No Wonnie, I'm fine. I'll be there soon," Changkyun let out a sigh. “No, I promise I won’t ditch you again – no, yes, I’ll be safe. Bye brother. Love you,"

Hoseok took a step back to survey his work as Changkyun ended the call. The intact bottles were sticky with dried alcohol but at least they were out of the sink next to a pile of larger glass shards, and while he knew washing the rest of the broken glass down the sink wasn’t the best for the pipes it was the only thing he could have done to get rid of it in such a short amount of time. 

There was moment of silence after the call ended where Hoseok unhooked the kitchen towel from where it was caught in the handle of the oven before turning around to face Changkyun where he was sat on the couch.

"Do you think my ears stick out too much?" He asked with a raise of his eyebrow, using the cloth to wipe at his damp hands.

Changkyun shook his head with a little grin. "No. If anything they’re cute,"

Hoseok laughed softly and shook his head, throwing the now damp fabric back on to the counter before running a hand through his hair to loosen the knots made by Changkyun’s wandering fingers. He was very aware of how topless he was and also very aware of the way the younger boy’s eyes kept flitting to look at his tattooed chest before trying to maintain eye contact again. "Are you gonna go hang out with him?"

"Yeah, I.. I guess I should," Hoseok watched his gaze settle on his phone for a second or two before flickering back up to meet his eyes. "Are you almost done.. with, um-”

"Cleaning up the fucking mess you made?" He raised a teasing eyebrow. “Yeah kid, I’m done”

"Yeah, uh, sorry about that," Changkyun seemed to run his fingers over his lips absentmindedly, his bottom lip still swollen and both of them a little red, and Hoseok had to swallow and avert his gaze quickly to avoid the thoughts in his head about just where his lips would look prettiest. "Do you wanna talk about it? Like, about last night? I could tell you, like, what happened I guess,"

"No," Hoseok said softly, firmly, and gave a small shake of his head. “I think.. I’d rather not know. Just.. can I ask you another thing kid?”

“Course you can old guy,”

He smiled a little at the nickname but the expression was quick to fall from his face as he opened his mouth to speak.

“What you saw last night, whatever it was, um..” He stumbled a little on his words without realising, not wanting to meet the younger boy’s eyes. “Does it change the way you look at me? Now that.. that you know I have a.. a problem?”

The words were so hard to say. He felt so vulnerable and exposed and not just because he didn’t have a top on but because the kid had seen all sides of him. The shame, the pity, the recklessness, the laughter, the drunk. Changkyun knew now, there was no point even lying to himself anymore.

“Hoseok?” The younger boy’s voice was surprisingly gentle. “I knew you had a problem anyway, like.. like we both have problems, you know?” He took a small shuddering breath, eyes flickering shut for a second before opening to look at him again

“And sure, it was.. a little hard to see you like that, but.. but I just spent a good part of the morning – afternoon, whatever time it is, begging for you to kiss my neck. If it had really changed the way I look at you would I have done that?”

“No, I guess.. I guess not,” Hoseok looked around at the sink beside him for a distraction before something dawned on him. “Wait, kid, you were begging?”

“What? No, I-”

“Is that like, a thing you like to do? Because I could really get behind that if you ever wanna do anything more-”

“Shut the fuck up, this is a serious conversation,” Changkyun frowned as he tried to be serious but when Hoseok grinned a little and wiggled his eyebrows to show he was teasing to lighten the mood his face grew considerably red. "Are we going to pretend the past twenty-four hours never happened?"

"Preferably," Hoseok laughed, the sound a little bitter and a little relieved. "Apart from the kiss of course. Let’s make that a regular thing, hmm?"

“Okay. Yeah, let’s,” Changkyun grinned, seemingly flustered and a little pleased, before Hoseok watched his brow knit together again. “But.. Hoseok?”

“Yeah kid?”

“Can you not get that drunk again?” His voice was soft as he spoke. “Please?”

“Kid, look, I can’t just-

“I know you can’t just stop, but-” Changkyun looked down at his lap, messy orange hair falling over his eyes like a waterfall. “But it was a little scary. I didn’t know what to do,”

The words were like a punch in the gut.

Changkyun had thought he was scary? His Changkyun? Scared of him?

“You were scared of me?” He said quietly, staring at him over the kitchen counter with wide eyes.

“No, no. Not like that. I was scared you’d hurt yourself or something, like, it was pretty bad,” He shrugged and looked up with wide eyes. “Promise you won’t do that again?”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay kid, I’ll try not to,” He spoke quietly and his throat suddenly hurt.

Changkyun’s phone buzzed on the table and the younger boy picked it up with a frown.

"Ah.. I should go. Hyungwon's already waiting for me,"

Hoseok shook his head with a smile as he finally pushed himself off the kitchen counter to make his way around to where Changkyun was knelt on the couch. "Tell him I said his lips are too big,"

"I won't," Changkyun rolled his eyes as if he was trying to be annoyed but the slight twinge of his lips gave away his amusement.

"Do you want a ride?"

"Nah, I can walk. Clear my head a little," Changkyun pushed himself up from the couch and began to make his way over to the door. "Can I borrow your shoes for the journey?"

"Go ahead kid. Actually, wait, before you go, um-” He hesitated for a second, wondering if speaking his thoughts again would be a good idea. "When will I see you again?"

"Um, well, I dunno Hoseok. I can't tell when it gonna gets bad," Changkyun busied himself with pulling the boots over his feet and lacing them up with delicate hands, nose screwed up in concentration as he did so.

"No," Hoseok shook his head slowly and the nervousness of his voice was probably what made the younger boy look up with a frown. "Not like that. Not just when it gets bad. I wanna see you more, like.. like normally, you know?"

There was a pause before Hoseok chose to continue speaking.

"Like normal people. Without problems,"

"We're far from normal people without problems Hoseok," Something in the look of Changkyun’s eyes told Hoseok he was lost in thought, and with a sinking feeling in his stomach he realised he was thinking about last night. The older boy wished he could remember exactly what happened and he wished he didn’t know he was about to drink away the guilt of forgetting the minute Changkyun left his apartment and he could buy more bottles at the corner shop down the street.

"We can play pretend, right?” He smiled as if to lighten the mood. “Pretend we don’t have problems sometimes. That might be fun,”

“Hmm,” Changkyun smiled a little and he stood up with the boots now on his feet. The added height almost made him as tall as Hoseok. “I like to play pretend,”

Was there an underlying connotation in that or was Hoseok just going insane?

All of a sudden he moving closer, pulling something out of his pocket with one hand and gesturing with the other. “C’mere,”

“What are you doing?” Hoseok looked down as he placed his hands on his chest but didn’t pull away – completely trusting of whatever he was about to do – and with a start he realised the younger boy was writing something across his chest. The pen was black and the ink smelt faintly of bleach, a strangely familiar smell that reminded him of the early college days all those years ago where he would sit in the art room surrounded by oil and watercolour and the smell of chemical cleaner.

Changkyun bit his lip as he drew and Hoseok had the overwhelming urge to kiss him again but he stepped away before he had the chance. 

“What it it?” He tried to read it from his view but no matter what way he tilted his head it was too warped by the angle for him to understand any of it.

“It’s my number. So you can call me,”

“How the fuck am I meant to read this in the mirror?”

“You’ll figure it out,” Changkyun grinned, wetting his lips slightly as he seemed to take in his masterpiece while stuffing the pen back in his pocket. "It looks cute. You should get it tattooed,”

"Don't tempt me kid," Hoseok teased with a grin. There was a weird fuzzy feeling in his stomach much like the warmth alcohol gave him, and with a start he realised he was experiencing that sensation after only having a few sips before his shower that morning. That was weird, he usually had to drink a lot more to feel that happy.

“I’m buying more alcohol when you’re gone. Just so you know.” Hoseok tried to sound nonchalant as Changkyun went to open the door.

“And I’m smoking more cigarettes,” He shot him a grin and pulled at the handle, the wood swinging open on its hinges. “Just.. Hoseok?”

“Yeah Kid?”

“Promise me you’re.. you’re okay?”

“I’m okay kid. Really, I am,” Hoseok smiled and didn’t break eye contact. He motioned with his hand somewhat tentatively as he spoke again. “Are you? Okay, I mean,”

“Yeah. Yeah Hoseok, I’m okay,” The smile that transformed Changkyun’s face was unreal and surprisingly genuine, the reassurance actually working on Hoseok and he gave a small grin in response. “You’re a good kisser,”

“So you keep saying,” He grinned. “Um.. if you’re seeing Hyungwon you might wanna, uh, pull your top up and cover the mark on your neck,”

Changkyun’s hand flew up to his neck and he turned back from where he had stepped into the hallway of the apartment complex with a shocked expression evidence on his pretty features. “Holy shit, fuck, you didn’t,”

“Whoops?”

“Fuck you Hoseok,”

“Maybe someday. Anyway, I wasn’t the one saying please,”

“Shut the fuck up,” Changkyun’s face grew red at the teasing and he closed the door between them loudly as if to make a point.

“You better fucking call me!” He called through the wood, and Hoseok let out a loud laugh and gave a shake of his head as the sound of heavy footsteps on the metal stairs echoed under the gap in the door.

“I wouldn’t dare forget!” He called back as loud as he could, and the faint sound of Changkyun's laughter mingling with the metallic clang of boots against steel stairs was like music to his ears.


	8. crybaby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: for various reasons (school and work) my updates might be a little bit slower from now on, I hope you all understand!! i love writing so much but my education comes first :') thank you for supporting this story/these characters so far, your lovely comments always make my day!! please enjoy <3  
> (find me on twitter [here](https://twitter.com/shinsxoh) for a lot of updates on drinking coffee and when the next chapter will be up i guess)

Changkyun had always thought birds were pretty.

Even city dwelling pigeons, with their dirty grey feathers and ugly hooked feet that everybody else seemed to hate with a burning passion, they were all pretty to him.

Not in a conventional way. He supposed he understood why people chose to avoid them on the street. They were loud and intrusive and sat in lines on telephone wires just to yell at the people below, but something about the slight sheen of their feathers or twitch of their neck or gentle look in their eyes let Changkyun appreciate their beauty even when everybody else thought they were good for nothing pests.

There were two pigeons in front of him at that moment, one trailing behind the other as they made their way across the gravelled pit of the park he was sat in, their tiny feet leaving little imprints on the light layer of snow that coated the ground. Their feathers were dull under the clouded sky, the slight fall of snowflakes obscuring his vision slightly and each time a piece of ice landed on their back it melted into their feathers as they waddled in unison. Changkyun could have sworn the one directly in front of him cricked his head to the side to stare at him when he dropped his smouldering cigarette into the snow and rubbed it into the ground with his foot. The swing he sat on creaked in the icy wind when he moved and he stuffed the hand that had previously held the stick far into his pocket the second it left his grasp. It was cold out, winter having fully set in as the end of December loomed, and the icy wind meant he had to sniff occasionally to stop his nose running. The fire of the cigarette had settled in his lungs and quelled the itch of his hands and neck but there was nothing stopping his eyes from prickling in the uncomfortable cold as he pushed himself lightly on the swing.

“Boo,”

Changkyun couldn’t help the way he jumped, the chains of the swing creaking as the familiar voice shocked him out of his daydream and brought him crashing back to the present.

“Holy shit Wonnie, you scared me,” He laughed, dragging his eyes away from the footprints of birds in the snow to look at his friend as he made his way over to the swing set. His coat almost swept the floor, the coarse fabric and scarf bundled under the collar crinkling when he chose to sit on the swing next to Changkyun. The hat he wore couldn't hide his mess of dark hair and his gloved hands were folded in his pockets to avoid the cold.

“Sorry not sorry brother,” He grinned. His long legs folded up awkwardly underneath the swing where he sat. “Finally made it,”

“You took long enough,” Changkyun grumbled but there was no malice in his words. “I’ve been freezing my ass off out here waiting for you. Spent my time watching the birds and trying not to die of fucking hypothermia,”

Hyungwon snorted and Changkyun watched a small smile tug at his face as he kicked the ground beneath him. The snow dissolved into the gravel at the scuff of his shoe, revealing ugly dirt interspersed with little bits of gravel that crunched underfoot before he chose to speak. “This is the place we used to come to when we were younger, remember?”

Changkyun nodded in response and his eyes scanned the strangely empty park with newfound nostalgia.

“We’d play on these swings and try and kick each other off,” Hyungwon laughed, pushing the ground with his feet and causing his swing to creak a little.

“I remember,” Changkyun grinned as the memories flit through his mind. Images of them both as little kids, mismatched clothes and sunburnt faces, yelling at each other on the swing as they waved their little boots around. “You always used to win ‘cos your legs are so fucking long,”

“But then you’d pull my hair and run crying to your mum about how I hurt you,”

“Fuck yeah,” Changkyun laughed and scuffed the ground with the boots he wore on his feet. He supposed he should be more surprised by the fact they were the ones Hoseok had lent him but the thought made him almost warm inside. “I was such a little shit,”

“You still are,” Hyungwon shot him a rare grin, snow catching in the little tufts of hair that peaked out from under his hat, and he earned a little kick from Changkyun in response.

“Fuck off,” He laughed softly before scanning his eyes over the rest of the empty park. It was familiar and yet strangely foreign, the lack of kids playing out in the snow causing an almost desolate atmosphere to settle over the icy slide and castle and climbing frame. The only sounds were that of the birds and the traffic in the distance but even that was muffled by the wind as it shifted the slight snow in little flurries to the ground. “Why’d you ask me here again?” Changkyun turned to raise an eyebrow at his friend. “It’s three days before Christmas, shouldn’t you be like.. I dunno, doing Christmassy stuff? Shopping or whatever?”

“Unlike you Kyunie I’m an actually organised member of society. I finished my shopping the second week of December and well, if I’m honest, I.. I didn’t really think you’d turn up even when I asked,” Hyungwon seemed to try to joke about the situation, although his voice was tainted with something like bitterness and the words almost caught in his throat. Changkyun frowned a little but dismissed it – it was cold outside, and sound travelled weirdly through snow. “But actually.. well, I need your help,”

Changkyun glanced up at the boy sat on the swing next to him in surprise at the request. “My help?”

“Yeah,” Hyungwon shrugged a little as his eyes followed a snowflake to the ground. “If I ask you here and make you wait first you can’t run off with your hot biker boyfriend before I can convince you to help me,” 

Changkyun sighed in exasperation, a familiar feeling of irritation bubbling just under his ribs, and with a kick on the swing he began to protest. “He’s not my boyfriend-“

“My mum’s moving,”

Changkyun froze at the interruption. “Oh,” 

“Away from my dad, down to Busan. She’s selling the apartment,” Hyungwon’s voice was strangely quiet as he spoke, reserved even for his usual shy nature, and he refused to meet Changkyun’s eye as he gaped at him from across the swing set.

“Fuck,” The younger boy exhaled, the mist from his warm breath disrupting the gentle fall of snow. “Fuck, Wonnie, I’m sorry, I didn’t know-"

“No. No, it’s okay,” Hyungwon talked over him, voice quiet but firm. “I have my own place now, I’m not bothered by it, and you’ve had it worse with family anyway. My mum and dad fell out of love, that’s all,”

“Oh,” The heavy sound was all Changkyun could muster in the moment, unable to meet his best friend’s eyes. He felt a little bit guilty, because this was obviously something Hyungwon had known for a while and he was only just finding out about it. Was he really that bad of a friend? He knew he was disengaged a lot of the time but he’d been feeling better in himself recently, how had he missed the one person closest to him going through a break up of his family?

“The only thing is.. all my old stuff is still in my room,” Hyungwon laughed softly but the sound was a little strained. “Despite my meticulous planning I never wanted to throw any of it away,”

His friend seemed lost in thought for a moment, swinging gently in the snow with a wistful smile on his face as his mind supposedly flicked through the memories of that apartment. Changkyun watched the fond smile on his face fall as he was brought back to reality and his posture immediately set into his usual, almost snobby one, all pretence of his previous vulnerability melting like the snow under his feet. “I need you to help me go through it. Pack the things I want to take back to mine and throw out all the old stuff. Since you used to spend so much time at mine there’s a lot of your things there too-”

“And you need me to decide what to do with it?” Changkyun smiled a little at the request.

“Will you?”

“Course I will. I haven’t been back to your family apartment in so long, I miss it. Is your mum there too?”

“No, she’s at the office, uh, going over like, like divorce papers and stuff,” Hyungwon stumbled a little over the words and Changkyun was once again left with the strange feeling of how the hell hadn’t he known about this before? Was he really that oblivious to his friends suffering? “She misses you a lot though, my mum. She always asks how you’re doing and if you’re making films that’ll change the world yet,”

Changkyun snorted with amusement and he shoved his hands further into his pockets. “What do you tell her?”

“I say you’re always glued to your camera, just like you used to be,”

Silence fell after that, the conversation ceasing with the obvious lie. Changkyun hadn’t picked up a camera in months, not even after starting college just to study film, because he couldn’t find it in himself to care all that much. It seemed so pointless.

He watched a bird land on the pole crisscrossing the top of the slide adjacent to the swings they were both sat on, it’s hooked feet curling around the plastic as it’s twitching beak preened its grey feathers before the loud rush of a car speeding past on the road by the park sent it into a frenzy of wings as it flew into the snowy sky.

“Are we going now?” Changkyun broke the silence with his question, speaking over the gentle creak of the swing set in the wind.

“Yeah. It’s too cold out here, my fingers are about to fall off in my gloves,” Hyungwon looked up with a grin. His nose was red in the cold and his scarf bunched up around his neck and luckily for them both the light-hearted joke was enough to liven the heavy atmosphere in one dismissive gesture. “I only asked you here ‘cos I knew you’d have forgotten the address but would be too awkward to ask,” He laughed again as he pulled himself up from the swing, dusted down his snow speckled coat and began to make his way across the icy gravel, his pointed shoes making the stones crunch under his feet.

Changkyun didn’t move however, rooted to the spot with a weird mixture of irritation and guilt forming in his stomach.

“C’mon Kyunie, we’re going to catch a cold out here,” His friend jerked his head to the apartment buildings behind him, hands stuffed deep in his pockets, but still Changkyun made no move to leave.

“Kyunie?”

There was a pause as Changkyun looked down at his feet, steadying his gentle swing until he came to a stop.

“You go down third street,” He said quietly, voice almost lost in the wind.

“What?” His friend was frowning when Changkyun glanced up at him to continue talking.

“Off the corner of the park entrance and along the café walkway, then take a left at the red postbox and across from the flower shop is the building,” He said softly, watching as the realisation dawned on Hyungwon’s face as his mouth parted and warm breath misted in the icy air. “Your mum’s apartment is the second from the top, room 15A, and when she’s not in she hides her key under the top right corner of the doormat,” There was a pause as Changkyun let out a soft exhale and felt his face pull into a somewhat fond smile. “Not the left ‘cos she says the mice can get it there,” 

When the silence had stretched on long enough Changkyun dragged his eyes back up to see his friend stood a few meters away, a surprised smile on his face and a strange glint in his eye.

“You remembered,” He said softly, gently, seemingly in disbelief.

“We’re best friends forever, remember?” Changkyun grinned as he pushed himself off the swing. His legs ached from being sat there for such a long time and when he moved to stretch them he made sure to kick the snow enough to cover the cigarette butt he’d dropped earlier. He could have sworn the same bird that had landed on the slide not long ago was staring at him from the merry-go-round, its beady black eyes and twitching neck watching him in a way that almost made Changkyun feel guilty. Almost.

“Yeah,” Hyungwon grinned, all signs of his previously upset demeanour disappearing in an instant as his eyes crinkled in the cold winter air. “Yeah Kyunie, best friends forever,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hyungwon’s old room was just how he remembered it.

The apartment was small, a typical family flat in Seoul; two bedrooms, a kitchenette and a postmodern lounge with wooden adornments and plastic white windowsills. It was a strange mix of old and new, the tapestries his best friends mother tacked on the wall seemingly passed down from generations contrasting with the boxy, practical architecture of the rooms they were used to decorate. The ceilings were low, lights a strange yellow-white, and the windows were small and looked out over the somewhat low-lying district of Seodaemun-Gu.

Hyungwon’s room was somewhat cramped especially now they were no longer little kids, slightly longer then it was wide and only a tiny window at the far end to let in any natural light. Changkyun stood in the doorway, cold hands shoved in his pockets and nose running after having stepped into the warm apartment only a few minutes ago, looking around at the room with a strange feeling of nostalgia and wrongness. It was like he’d outgrown the room he used to spend all his time with Hyungwon in, outgrown the desk covered in books and spare pieces of paper shoved in one corner, outgrown the single bed directly opposite it and outgrown the closet overflowing with teenage clothes but at the same time the setting gave him the overwhelming feeling of coming home. He’d spend more time here then in his own room at home growing up and every single corner was filled with memories. There was barely enough room for them to stand between the furniture and so he chose to sit on the edge of the bed, at home in the familiar setting but off-put by the way Hyungwon busied himself with removing his coat and hat and scarf, revealing a black woollen turtleneck and jeans that had crinkles where he’d ironed them wrong. Changkyun dragged his eyes away from the dinosaur stickers above the desk and the two starter Chinese dictionaries lined up on the shelf next to him and instead choose to give his friend a small smile before glancing around at the room again.

“I missed this place,” He said softly, bundling his cold hands further into his jacket pockets as he caught sight of his best friends dinosaur lamp just by the side of his bed. Even as Hyungwon had entered his teenage years he’d still kept all his old stuff, his room being the only messy thing he’d allow in his life, but he was never embarrassed by the stickers or the posters or the children's books pushed into one corner. As far as Changkyun knew he was the only other person who step foot in this room besides from his friend’s mother of course, and since they’d known each other so long there was never any embarrassment surrounding old childhood toys or fond memories in the form of kids furniture.

“Me too,” Hyungwon laughed a little as he draped his coat over the red plastic chair tucked under the small desk. Changkyun noticed with a smile that there were still little bits of snow in the edges of his hair, face damp with melted ice and nose red from the cold.

Changkyun picked at the Triceratops duvet he sat on absentmindedly, tracing the little dinosaurs with his index finger like he used to do when he was young. Even at the age of nineteen Hyungwon kept his dinosaur duvet. He’d make ample excuses about how it was impractical to spend so much money on a new cover when this one was perfectly fine but Changkyun knew he had just grown attached to the fabric and all the memories it held.

“How long have you known?” He asked softly, glancing up at his friend as he asked the tentative question.

He watched his smile falter a little as he dropped his gaze to the desk, slim fingers running over the surface and sending little dust spirals into the air. “The divorce since February. They finalised the move earlier this month,”

“Fucking hell Wonnie,” Changkyun frowned as he redirected his attention from the brightly coloured bedsheet to the awkward way his friend was stood in front of him. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“There was no point,” He shrugged slightly, still refusing to meet his eyes. “Doesn’t bother me really ‘cos I knew it was coming, and besides, you have it worse so it doesn’t really matter. Since you got bad last year and.. and you've been busy the past few months making out with Hot Bikers against their kitchen counters so there was no time for me,”

Hyungwon’s smile faltered, and Changkyun felt the familiar twist of guilt before he washed it away with the distraction of the room around him.

“This is just how I remembered it,” He said softly, eyes scanning across the posters on the wall. There was a geography map just above his desk with little post-it notes over the countries they both decided they wanted to visit when they were sixteen – the Nile during summer, Paris during spring, a trip to Iceland to see the northern lights and one to Australia to see the coral reefs. With a small smile Changkyun felt the nostalgia almost overwhelm him, the mixture of Hyungwon’s neat cursive handwriting and his own unreadable scribble marking out what they wanted to do together reminding him of a time where he wasn’t quite so enamoured with the idea of dying before he turned twenty.

“Yeah, I haven’t been here much since I moved out,” Hyungwon glanced around the room himself. “We’d spend hours here, remember?”

“Mhmm. I’d sleep over for days on end. Remember that one summer, when we were both fifteen, and I just didn’t leave your house for weeks?”

Hyungwon laughed softly as Changkyun spoke before shooting him an almost shy grin. “We filmed all those funny videos, remember? I think I still have the one where you fell asleep on top of me instead of next to me,”

“Fuck, I remember that. You didn’t stop teasing me for weeks,”

“You deserved it,” He laughed, then shook his head and seemed to notice the mess of the room. “Right. Right, okay, anyway, we should actually do something now. This room won’t sort itself,”

Changkyun nodded a little, peering around at the messy floor himself, eyes dancing over the stacked books and old toys. If he looked closely he saw signs of himself in the knick-knacks and decorations – the jumper in the corner was too small to be Hyungwon’s, and the textbook just under the chair was so dog-eared it had to be his. There were other things too that hinted at him spending so much time there, an old wrapper on the desk of his favourite chocolate bar or his usual brand of pen laying next to it, and there was even one of his old camera lenses in a box by the pencils, the glass dusty in the strange artificial light of the cramped room. “Where do we start then? You’re the neat freak, not me,”

“Mmm.. okay.. let’s see..” Hyungwon’s brows knit together for a second as he glanced around at the room before Changkyun saw his eyes light up at the thought of a plan. “You get the left corner, I start from the right, and we can meet in the middle?” He suggested, dragging out two brown moving boxes from where they were stored under his desk. “Anything you want to keep throw it out in the hallway, we can go through it later, but for everything else pack it into these boxes and they can go into storage or whatever. Sound good to you?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” The younger boy nodded in response, dusting off his jeans before shifting to the left end of the bed. He could pick the things off the floor from the comfort of the duvet and throw anything he wanted to keep out the door. 

They spent the next few hours going through the things in Hyungwon’s old room, Changkyun shifting through the stuff by the closet and Hyungwon working around the desk area. It was hard work, the constant movement warming their bodies and cancelling out any cold they may have felt upon being outside earlier. Occasionally they would find something nostalgic to show the other one; an eyepatch worn to a disastrous ninth birthday party or a piece of homework Changkyun persuaded Hyungwon to do way back when they were thirteen and he’d chosen the wrong subject to write about just so he would fail, the red markings in the corner of the paper marking out the F grade he'd been given. Changkyun laughed when Hyungwon wrinkled his nose at the wrappers on the floor that he’d never bothered to throw away and Hyungwon snorted when Changkyun made a comment about how his wardrobe really did only consist of black clothing and the occasional grey shirt. It was like they were teenagers again, almost as if they’d turned back the past year to when they had just started their final year of school, Changkyun in a better place and Hyungwon not quite so distant.

It was nice, pretending they were younger again. It was like nothing had ever changed.

“Woah, look!” Changkyun exclaimed after they’d been sorting through stuff for the best part of two hours, happening upon a large sheet of translucent plastic decorated in weird colours. He dragged it from the floor where it had been previously buried under clothes and held it up in awe. “Do you remember this?”

Changkyun didn’t wait for a response, instead shifting on the bed so he could lay across it and hold up the sheet of plastic to the cheap lights in the ceiling. When the almost see-through material was held in front of the light source it illuminated the little divots in the plastic and the different colours inlaid within it, meaning that every time Changkyun tilted it a little bit to the left or right he could see the image of dinosaurs walking across a landscape of rocks and grass.

“Oh my god, is that the walking dinosaur thing?” Hyungwon gasped, placing whatever he was sorting through gently back on the floor to climb up on the bed. Changkyun shifted to the side so they both could fit, and it wasn’t long before Hyungwon was lying on the bed next to him and letting out a soft exhale at the sight of the dinosaurs shining through the plastic. “Woah..”

It was like they were fifteen again, laying on his bed during summer and not winter, talking about everything and nothing all at the same time while the other kids all hung around outside. The both of them had slept in this bed together so often it wasn’t strange for them to be so close, enthralled by the shifting plastic colours as they watched the somewhat cartoonish dinosaurs walk the same steps back and forth as Changkyun tilted the plastic with his hands.

All of a sudden Hyungwon gasped. Changkyun glanced over at him with wide eyes to find him staring at the ceiling with a look of awe on his handsome face.

“Hey, look, Kyunie,” He smiled with a happy exhale of air, shifting his arm so he could point at the ceiling above them both. “Do you remember the stars?”

Changkyun frowned and let his arms slowly fall, directing his attention from the plastic in his hands to the ceiling Hyungwon was pointing at, and when his eyes finally focused on what he’d noticed he couldn’t help pulling in a sharp breath at the sight.

Scattered across the white plaster were dozens of little plastic stars all glowing that same yellow-green that glow-in-the-dark models did. They were arranged in little patterns all across the ceiling, some clusters littered here and there, different sizes and shapes and even interspersed with the occasional meteorite or glowing moon. The light they emitted was faint when the bulb beside them was already bathing the room in its yellow glow but Changkyun still couldn’t help being taken aback by the sight.

“Woah..” He breathed, staring up at the little stars on the ceiling with awe. “They bring back memories,”

“Mmm,” Changkyun could have sworn Hyungwon was smiling just through the tone of his voice, his soft hum of agreement tinged with both wonder and nostalgia. “We’d lie on my bed for hours, remember? Hold the lamp to the ceiling until our arms ached so they’d be extra bright when we turned off the lights,”

Changkyun nodded slowly, mouth slightly open as he ran his eyes over the little plastic stars. Just seeing them tacked to the ceiling caused this wash of emotion he didn’t quite understand, a mixture of happiness and sadness that contrasted greatly with his usually blank reactions. He chose to speak softly in response to Hyungwon, both of them reminiscing on their childhood together. “We always made constellations, right?”

“Right,” Hyungwon glanced at him with a small smile before dragging his eyes back to the ceiling. “Do you.. do you remember the castle?”

“Of course I do,” Changkyun breathed. At the mention of the castle his eyes found what they were looking for – a little pattern of stars just above the bottom of the bed, arranged in little straight lines with a few peaks at the top. “It doesn’t look like much of a castle now, does it?” He laughed softly upon the recognition of the plastic constellation.

“It totally looked like a castle when we were eight,” Hyungwon grinned a little, and then his voice seemed to falter when he spoke next but Changkyun couldn’t tear his eyes away from the pattern, so enamoured by the memories that he didn’t want to return to the present. “Do you remember how.. how I’d take you to the castle?”

“Mhmm,” 

There was a slight pause after Changkyun hummed in agreement, both of them seemingly lost in thought, and when Hyungwon chose to spoke again the younger boy couldn’t help but think he almost sounded sad.

“I always knew there was something not right, you know?” He began softly, quietly, voice gentle in the otherwise silent room. “All the other kids at the playground wouldn’t play with you because the only thing you did was cry,”

Changkyun froze at the mention of his childhood, smile slipping from his face as Hyungwon dragged up memories of the playground they’d been at earlier, of little boys and girls sticking their tongues out at him and calling him stupid names. He didn’t know why his best friend was talking about this now and he almost wanted to ask him to stop but the words caught in his throat the second he continued to spill his memories into the quiet room.

“I thought crybaby was the coolest nickname in the world but I wouldn’t tell them that,” Hyungwon continued with a smile, mumbled words fond in nature. “I think.. I think you had these boots? These little boots – orange maybe, or yellow – and they were the coolest boots six-year-old Hyungwon had ever seen. I waited for all my friends to leave that afternoon until I talked to you, the crybaby on the swing with those stupid bright boots. You hated me though, told me to go away before I even spoke and then didn’t talk for the rest of the afternoon,”

Changkyun let out a soft laugh as the memory flit through his mind. “I remember that. You were lanky even at the age of six, _and_ hanging out with all the cool kids. Was I meant to fall straight into your tiny little arms and confess my undying love?”

“No, no. You were always so stubborn even then,” Hyungwon grinned a little and shot him a knowing look from where he lay beside him. “I sat on the other swing with you until your mum called you to leave. And then I did it again the next day, and the next, until finally you stopped sniffling and asked me what my name was,”

“We were best friends ever since,” Changkyun smiled, dragging his eyes back to the little castle on the ceiling.

“Mmm. Best friends forever, and I was happy even when the other kids wouldn’t talk to me anymore because I was friends with the crybaby who had the coolest shoes ever,” Hyungwon laughed but the sound died as quick as it had flooded the silent bedroom. His next words were tinged with an emotion Changkyun couldn’t quite place despite knowing his best friend for so long. “You still cried a lot. All the time. I didn’t mind, I just learned not to upset you. I’d pay for your sweets at the sweet shop or talk to old ladies when they said hi or yell at the mean bullies because once you started crying you never ever stopped. Even the adults couldn’t get you to stop crying, it was that bad,”

Hyungwon paused and Changkyun’s stomach twisted a little in the silence. He didn’t like being reminded of how much of a crybaby he was when he was young, it made him feel stupid and a little bit guilty. His best friend seemed to take a deep breath before speaking again and his voice was shaky and breath uneven.

“But sometimes.. sometimes it just happened and there was nothing I could do to stop it. You would just start crying and you wouldn’t stop so.. so I had to made up the castle, yeah? The castle made out of stars on the ceiling of my room, and I told you the knights in the castle would fight your sad thoughts and I was the head knight because obviously I was the most important. As long as I had my special sword of stardust nobody could ever hurt you,” His words faltered and the sound hurt Changkyun's chest in a way he didn’t realise was possible. “I’d hug you when you cried and tell you to go to the castle, go to the castle, you were safe with me in the castle. Sometimes.. sometimes I’d wave my little plastic sword and pretend to fight the monsters in your head until you were laughing through your tears,” His friend laughed softly at the memory but it was tinged with sadness. “I felt so proud when you laughed Changkyun. Even the adults couldn’t make you laugh, so I was _extra_ special,”

There was a pause where all Changkyun could do was stare at the castle made from little glow-in-the-dark stars above them both lying on the bed, the glow hazy and somewhat swimming in his vision. His eyes hurt a little, and there was this horrible feeling of anxiety crawling up his throat.

“You stopped crying when you turned ten and.. and I haven’t seen you cry since,” Hyungwon said softly, words almost lost in the silence of the room. “I guess… I guess little ten year old me should have been happy but I wasn’t, not really. I was a selfish kid. You didn’t need the castle anymore and I was worried that meant you didn’t need me,”

Changkyun sniffed – purely from the cold outside, nothing else – before dragging his eyes away from the ceiling to look at his best friend. He froze when he realised Hyungwon had already turned to look at him, big eyes wide and glassy in the light above and slightly damp hair from the snow outside falling softly over his face.

“I always need you Wonnie,” He mumbled, unable to look at his best friend for more than a second before he turned to stare at the ceiling again. Hyungwon seemed to do the same, the gentle rustling of the duvet under their heads indicating that he’d shifted back to stare at the stars as well.

“Do you though?” He said softly, and Changkyun was struck by the insecurity in his voice. His friend was always the sure one, the one who knew what he was doing and always had a plan. Hearing him ask for reassurance like this was frightening to somebody like Changkyun who had depended on him for so long. “Don’t just say it. Please, don’t. Do you really need me? Like, really?”

“I do,” He managed to murmur in reply.

It was the truth. He did need Hyungwon, he always had. The stories he’d just told him were evidence enough that without his best friend Changkyun wouldn’t have been able to do anything as a kid and he felt the same longing even now. Hyungwon helped him and loved him and accepted him in such a way only best friends could, and feeling the full force of such strong emotions was like a punch in the stomach for the younger boy. He didn’t like it, suddenly feeling all these emotions after having gone so long just not feeling, but he’d cried for Hoseok only days ago and now the familiar choking sensation and prickling in his eyes was happening again. He wanted it to stop. His hands were starting to shake a little and he figured the sooner he left Hyungwon’s apartment the sooner he could have a cigarette to calm his nerves.

There came a sigh from just beside him heavy with words left unsaid and before Changkyun could allow himself to think twice he reached out a hand across the small space between them to entwine his fingers with his best friend. The warmth was comforting and familiar and Hyungwon didn’t even tense at the contact like he would have done had it been anybody else. Changkyun knew he was special to Hyungwon in that nobody else was allowed to touch him, nobody else was allowed to hold his hand or give him hugs or hit his arm during light arguments. If it was anybody else Hyungwon would be uncomfortable, but they were best friends forever, and Hyungwon always let Changkyun hold his hand.

“Wonnie?” He said softly, voice uncertain.

The reply from beside him was a little breathless and a little insecure, his best friends usually sure voice now bordering on fear. “Yeah Kyunie?”

“I love you,”

There was a pause in which the words hung heavy in the air between them. The silence almost tore Changkyun apart, the feelings he felt for his friend trying to drown him after being so far gone in nothingness for such a long time.

“I love you too,” The whispered reply was tilted with a smile, and Hyungwon squeezed his hand a little after saying the words.

They always used to hold hands. They would hold hands at the icecream shop while Hyungwon ordered for Changkyun, they would hold hands on the swing at the park before they’d playfight and kick each other off, they’d hold hands in the playground at school or hold hands while looking at their ceiling of constellations or hold hands under the table eating his mum’s homemade kimchi for dinner. Changkyun had always supposed it was a comfort thing – Hyungwon gave him his castle, and he gave Hyungwon his hand to hold, and that was just how they’d always worked.

They held hands until they were twelve. When they turned twelve they realised holding hands with another boy was okay when you were a kid but it was a bad adult thing to do. Adult boys don’t hold hands, that’s just wrong.

That didn’t stop Changkyun from reaching puberty and finding out he liked boys a little too much but that was beside the point.

There they were, holding hands just like they did before they turned twelve, too big for the kids bed they were laying on but still managing to fit side by side. Hyungwon’s gangly legs hung over the edge of the covers but Changkyun was on the side propped against the wall, legs not quite long enough to stick out over the edge. He was tired after having sorted through the mess that was his best friends old room and there seemed to be this unspoken agreement them to not break the silence for fear of hurting each other. The air was heavy with emotion and Changkyun was having a hard time dealing with it and so the silence was as comforting as it was stifling.

That is, until Hyungwon decided to speak.

“Kyunie?” He said softly as he stared at the ceiling of stars from where he lay next to him on the dinosaur duvet. His hand was comfortingly warm where their fingers were entwined.

“Yeah Wonnie?”

“Can I… can I ask you something?”

Changkyun frowned just a little but gave a small nod all the same. “Of course,”

There was a pause and rustle of the duvet covers as Hyungwon seemingly shifted his position and he gave a sniff before hesitatingly speaking again. His voice was quiet and worried in a way that twisted Changkyun’s stomach into knots just at the sound of it. “What would.. what would you say if I was.. If I was different?”

“..Different?” The younger boy’s brow knit together upon hearing the strange word because what on earth did Hyungwon mean, different?

“Like… like not normal,” He mumbled from beside him.

“You’ve never been normal Wonnie, I’m used to it,” Changkyun tried to joke in the situation but the sentiment fell flat in the heavy atmosphere. Hyungwon didn’t react to his lame attempt at lightening the mood and instead there came another sniff and rustle before he spoke again.

“No, like.. not that kind of normal, like..” There was a pause. “Like what if I was broken?”

“Broken?” Changkyun frowned and he couldn’t help the disbelief that flooded his voice at his friend's weird choice of words. “Hyungwon, what are you talking about?”

Once again the silence dragged on a little too long before his friend spoke again, his words wavering when he finished each sentence almost like he was about to cry. “Do you look at people and want to be with them Kyunie?” He said softly, voice so fragile it sounded like it could just break. “Like.. is that a thing everybody does?”

“I don’t… I.. Hyungwon? What d’you mean?”

Changkyun turned his head to glance at his friend with a confused frown only to find wide, glassy eyes already staring back at him. Looking at each other like that, side by side, Changkyun felt his stomach lurch because Hyungwon was never scared. He was cynical and full of blunt facts and irritation at anybody that decided to talk to him and he'd just be uncomfortable if somebody touched his shoulder or gave him a flirty smile, but right now in that fragile moment he just looked terrified.

“I’m scared Kyunie,” He whispered. He sounded like he was about to cry. “I think I’m broken,”

Changkyun opened his mouth to speak, about to ask him just what he meant and reassure his friend that whatever it was wasn’t as bad as he thought, but just as he wet his lips and the words were on the tip of his tongue a harsh sound cut through the atmosphere like a knife.

His phone was ringing.

Changkyun made no move to pull it from his pocket to see who it was at first, both of them locked in this weird state of in between staring at each other from where they lay on the bed, until Hyungwon broke the spell and pushed himself into a sitting position. He turned his back on Changkyun when he swung his legs over the edge of the bed.

The second he moved away they both returned to reality. They were no longer fifteen, laying on his bed and talking until midnight during summer about how it was okay Changkyun liked boys or what homework they had due in after the holiday, just nineteen year old college students who were slowly drifting apart.

Changkyun took a second to take a shaky breath, mind a mess of swirling thoughts and emotions he had no idea how to control, and he was suddenly very aware of the cardboard box pressing into his leg from where it was sat in the pocket of his jeans next to his ringing phone.

God, he needed a cigarette.

Hyungwon rubbed his eyes and glanced back at Changkyun as he shifted to sit up on the bed after pulling the buzzing phone from his front pocket, the screen lit up blue from the incoming call.

“Who is it?” His friend asked with a voice slightly unsteady.

“Hoseok,” Changkyun glanced up at his best friend only to see him smile a little sadly at the revelation. They had been holding hands still up to that point, but with a falter in his expression and tearing of his eyes away from where they were looking at him Hyungwon let go of their entwined fingers and pushed himself off the creaking bed instead.

“I’m going to go get us a drink,”

“Hyungwon-”

“Do you want orange squash or just water?”

Hyungwon’s request was a pointed interruption of his objection and it only took a second for Changkyun to realise he could choose between asking his friend what was wrong or letting him get them both a drink so he could answer the phone.

“Water please,” He spoke, voice almost a whisper, and his friend gave a small nod and left without meeting his eyes.

The phone was still ringing in his hand and Changkyun took a second to compose himself, closing his eyes to take a steady breath and attempting to return to his usual state of unfeeling, before swiping across to answer the call and holding the phone up to his ear.

“Hello?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was almost midnight by the time Changkyun knocked on Hoseok’s door.

He’d been at Hyungwon’s until ten sorting through what was left of the mess of his old room. When they’d finally packed away everything to be sent to storage in the two boxes they had and separated out what they’d wanted to keep the clock had already turned nine and so they’d ordered Yangneom from the shitty local store and ate it surrounded by plastic-wrapped furniture and old stored memories. Changkyun supposed it should have been just like when they were younger, ordering takeout every night and marathoning cheesy dramas until their chests hurt from laughing. It would have been, except it wasn’t, because Hyungwon had fallen silent after breaking down on the bed and would hardly speak a word to him no matter how much the younger boy prodded him for answers.

Changkyun had tried to get through to him – really, he had – but his friend had once again slipped into his closed-off demeanour and thrown up even more walls than before.

That was why he was stood in Hoseok’s apartment building complex in the dirty corridor outside his flat, hands shoved in his pockets and nose red from the cold, waiting for the older boy to open the door so he could duck under his arm into the relative warmth.

It was getting to the point where he was worried the door wouldn’t open just like last time, and just when he was about to knock again and call out for his friend the handle pushed down and it opened just far enough to reveal Hoseok leant against the doorframe. The piercings in his ear were glinting like usual, his clothes consisting of the strange contrast between ripped jeans and a white button-up shirt, but what struck Changkyun as strange was that this was the first time they’d met and his hair wasn’t pushed back from his face. It fell over his eyes, fluffy like he’d just woken up, with a little tuft sticking up on top and his roots growing in from his scalp. In that moment Changkyun decided he preferred Hoseok’s hair down and not up. It made him look younger.

“Hey kid,” He grinned at him but there was something unsettling about the way he was stood in the doorway. His torso blocked Changkyun’s view into the apartment, and so even when the younger boy lifted up slightly on his tiptoes to peer over into the flat he could only see darkness. Why did Hoseok have the lights off? 

“What’s in there?” Changkyun frowned, forgoing all greetings to instead ask the burning question. With his immediate access into the apartment blocked by Hoseok standing directly in the way his curiosity was immediately spiked.

Instead of answering Hoseok held open his hand with a casual movement of his arm, cocky grin still imprinted on his face and head tilted to the side. When Changkyun glanced at his palm his confusion only deepened for there was just a sliver of black fabric lying limp on his hand.

“What’s that?” He asked as his brow knit together in a frown. The hem along the edge of the fabric was stitched in neat little folds and the ends tapered into little points that hung towards the floor.

“A blindfold,” Hoseok said simply.

“ _What?_ ” Changkyun looked up at him, tone incredulous. The older boy was simply looking at him with a somewhat amused expression on his face although his signature sharp grin was somewhat softened by the fluffy corkscrew of his hair. There was something about the situation that was off to Changkyun – the dark apartment, Hoseok blocking the door, the fucking blindfold. This wasn’t how their meetings usually went and he didn’t know what to make of it. “Why are you giving me a fucking blindfold?” He prompted again when there came no reply to his previous outburst.

“I’m not giving you a blindfold kid, you’re going to wear the blindfold,”

Changkyun snorted in disbelief but only a few seconds passed before he realised the older boy was completely serious. His face was dead set – mischievous but stern - and he simply stared at him with a glint in his eye that made Changkyun want to hit him and kiss him at the same time.

“I’m not wearing the blindfold,”

Hoseok’s grin was devious and yet he had the nerve to raise his eyebrows like he was innocent, the slight tilt of his head implying that he definitely thought Changkyun was going to do as he was told. And he wanted to which only annoyed him more. The curiosity was burning away at his insides and no matter how much he stood on his tiptoes or craned his neck to see into the apartment behind him it was to no avail. Hoseok wasn’t budging.

“I’m not wearing the blindfold,” He repeated firmly.

“The only way you’re getting into this apartment is if you’re wearing this blindfold,” Hoseok’s face was irritatingly smug as he watched Changkyun grow more irritated. “Sorry kid, I don’t make the rules. You either wear it or go home,”

Changkyun narrowed his eyes and peered over his shoulder before falling onto the balls of his feet with a sigh. He was not in the mood for this. He’d just walked across an entire Seoul district just so he could end up at Hoseok’s and he was still reeling from the fact he’d almost drowned in pure emotion just talking to his friend. He just wanted to smoke another few cigarettes after the two he’d lit up on the journey there to calm the slight shake in his hands and then fall asleep on Hoseok’s couch – he couldn’t be dealing with all this teasing.

But at the same time, wouldn’t wearing the blindfold be almost fun? Curiosity was eating away at his mind and he’d be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t intrigued by the darkness of Hoseok’s apartment.

With a sigh he dragged his gaze back to the boy stood in front of him and gave his answer, not particularly happy with how easy he gave in but unable to harbour his innate need to find out what the fuck was behind the door.

“Fine,” He grumbled, trying to preserve what little stubbornness he had in the irritated tone of his voice.

“Turn around then.” Hoseok grinned that brilliant smile and gave a gesture with the hand holding the fabric. 

He didn’t hesitate in following what the older boy told him to do. All of the fight fell from his body like a curtain pulled by a string the second he felt the warmth of another body behind him as soft fabric decided over his eyes. Hoseok was gentle even with something as risqué and this, his hands tilting the younger boy’s neck just right and parting his hair so the knot wouldn’t snag.

With the other boy so close to him Changkyun realised he smelt like vodka. The thought irked him but didn’t surprise him.

“Now what?” He mumbled the second his vision went dark, voice surprisingly small now he couldn’t see anything. The blindfold was tight around his head and Changkyun realised that he probably couldn’t remove it even if he tried. The thought almost excited him.

“Now you follow me,” His voice was amplified now his sight was obscured, each syllable loud in his ear and the cold air of the apartment complex corridor lighting up little prickles along his skin. Anybody could just walk out and see him with a blindfold on right now but that thought didn’t bother Changkyun in the slightest.

“But-”

“This way kid,” The sound was right by his ear but Changkyun had no time to adjust to the proximity before there were two hands holding his shoulders as gently as they could, turning him on the spot and then guiding him forward towards what he supposed was the doorway. Without being able to see where Hoseok was the touch was strangely amplified and Changkyun had to focus his brain on each step he took forward so as to avoid stumbling instead of being preoccupied by the delicate touch.

He felt himself cross the threshold into the apartment through the change in light around the hem of the fabric. It was suddenly pitch black and Changkyun lost all sense of sight completely. He was left to rely only on the guiding hands placed on each of his shoulders and he found comfort in the older boy’s steady breathing. The short distance from the door to the couch seemed to span almost decades and by the time he was being pushed down into a sitting position he’d lost all sense of direction. It was so dark. Changkyun couldn’t see anything and so he sat right at the edge of the cushion, almost holding his breath as his ears strained for any sound other than his own breathing.

When Hoseok’s hands disappeared from his shoulders he couldn’t help the panic that set in.

“Hoseok?” He risked the question in the silence of the apartment, hating the way his voice caught on the single word. 

“Don’t move,”

His reply was further away than Changkyun had expected. It was far off to his right by the door he’d just been led in but at least the sound was reassuring. He felt so terribly helpless with the blindfold covering his eyes and the darkness leaking in around the hem, his breathing catching every so often as he strained to hear any rustle of fabric or gentle footstep over his own stuttering breath. It was silent for too long and he sat there perfectly still, following what Hoseok had said exactly for fear of messing it up. The curiosity he’d harboured stood outside the door was still burning just under his ribs but another feeling had joined it. One of nervous anticipation as he sat as still as he could, hating the way his senses were heightened in his vulnerability but also strangely not wanting it to end. Being forced to feel and hear every aspect of what was around him was a way to feel alive that he’d never realised existed before.

“Do you trust me?”

The voice was loud in his ear and made him jump, pulling in a sharp intake of air as his body tensed up. Hoseok had spoken right by his ear, so close his breath tickled his neck and ran in little shivers down his spine, and Changkyun had to ball his hands into fists as a way to cope with everything he was feeling in the moment.

“Yes,” He breathed in response. There was no way he could muster the voice to speak any louder, his whisper already resonating throughout the silent apartment, and there came the tell-tale rustle of fabric just behind him shortly after he spoke.

Changkyun swore he stopped breathing the second Hoseok began to untie the blindfold, deft fingers pulling apart the knots he’d made almost as skilfully as he’d tied them.

“Open your eyes when I tell you,” Hoseok spoke quietly as he pulled the blindfold away. The pressure that lifted with the removal of the fabric wasn’t as much of a relief as Changkyun had thought it would be. He almost wanted to reach out and wrap it back around his head as without it obscuring his vision the only thing left between seeing what Hoseok was keeping from him and what he’d been told to do was his own self-control. He so badly wanted to open his eyes but he couldn’t because Hoseok had told him not to. Hoseok had _told him not to_.

“Please, hurry,” His whisper was barely audible as he sat as still as he could on the couch. Changkyun supposed he should have hated how needy he sounded but the curiosity was driving him insane. He wanted to see whatever it was so bad, but he had to wait because Hoseok had said so and he didn't know how much longer he could wait.

The silence dragged on longer than anything else in the world. Changkyun thought he was literally going to die, he really did, waiting on the edge of the seat with no blindfold to stop him from looking. It was almost as if Hoseok was waiting, watching, seeing if he’d keep his eyes closed and teasing the time out for longer than needed just to watch him squirm. If Changkyun wasn’t so caught in the moment he might have been irritated but as it was the funny warm feeling in his stomach kept him far too preoccupied.

He couldn’t even breathe as he waited, his throat burning and ears straining in the silence until finally, _finally_ , Hoseok spoke.

“Now,”

Changkyun opened his eyes.

The colours were the first thing he saw. A blinding kaleidoscope of whites and yellows and pinks and blues and the lights were so bright it took a second for Changkyun’s eyes to adjust to it.

When they did he couldn’t help but gasp.

Strung all across the usually bare plaster of Hoseok’s wall were little strings of Christmas lights, wires draped from the ceiling to the floor and each hanging little glowing orbs of colour that shone halos onto the wall around them. They crisscrossed in messy patterns, the tape holding them in pace crinkled but not careless. With the rest of the apartment dark behind where he sat they were both bathed in the light from the little electrical bulbs. 

“What’s all this?” He breathed, unable to speak any louder almost in fear of upsetting the beautiful sight. Had Hoseok done all of this for him?

“Our very own Christmas,” He replied softly. Hoseok had somehow made his way over to sit by him while he’d been enthralled by the lights and so Changkyun dragged his gaze away from the display in front of him to stare at him with wide eyes. Hoseok was looking at him with a hesitant smile, all previous signs of the confident demeanour he’d held while stood on the door having seemingly slipped through his fingers. “I figured, well… since you’re celebrating with your family on the actual day and I don’t have any family... that maybe.. maybe we could have our own little Christmas together?”

“Together?” His reply was murmured and he tore his gaze away from Hoseok to stare in awe at the Christmas lights. There were so many of all different brands and it was a little messy in places and definitely not precise but it looked to have taken a very long time. It gave the apartment this entire hazy quality like Changkyun had opened his eyes into another world just of Christmas lights and the reflection of the colours on the glazed coffee table.

“Mm,” Hoseok hummed. His voice was soft and a little insecure. “It’s like a.. like a hey, my liver is still kinda working, and you’re still alive, and everything’s a little bit shitty but the world can’t be that fucking bad if Christmas lights exist, right kid?”

“Right,” He murmured in response. There was this weird feeling in his stomach and his throat sort of hurt. “Thank you Hoseok, nobody.. shit, nobody’s ever done something like this for me,”

There was a short silence in which Changkyun simply stared at the lights in front of him in a swirling mixture of wonder and confusion. They were so overwhelmingly pretty but he couldn’t help wondering just why Hoseok had gone to all this trouble for him.

All of a sudden Hoseok shifted in his seat and Changkyun dragged his gaze away from the lights strung on the wall to look at his movement.

“I got you a present as well,” He mumbled and the younger boy couldn’t help but think he sounded a little shy. Which was weird, right? Hoseok was never shy, and so he watched him move with something close to concern and also excitement in that he didn’t know why Hoseok was acting so sweet but it almost made him happy.

“You did? Holy shit Hoseok, you shouldn’t have-”

“Shh, it’s not that big of a deal. I mean, I was gonna like, draw something but fuck- I haven’t picked up a fucking pencil in years,” He laughed as he rooted around in his pocket. “Here, I… it’s not much but I hope you like it,”

Hoseok held open his open palm across the small couch they sat on, colours dancing on his pale skin as his fingers unfurled gently.

“You got me a lighter?” Changkyun whispered the minute he realised what was in his palm. The little plastic box had curved edges just like the pink one he’d taken for himself all those weeks ago and the body was slightly translucent. It was obviously cheap but that didn’t bother Changkyun in the slightest. He was just enamoured by the fact Hoseok had thought of him enough to give him a gift at all.

“Well, I figured cos like- ‘cos you fucking stole mine you might as well have one of your own, right?” Hoseok laughed a little and his eyes flitted up to gaze at his face briefly before returning to the lighter. “And your favourite colour is yellow, and you remind me of yellow, and.. and yeah. Yeah, that was fucking sappy, holy shit Hoseok-”

“Thank you,” Changkyun took the lighter as gingerly as he could, not quite believing what was happening. The plastic was surprisingly cold in his hands and the smoothness was comforting against the pads of his fingers. “Really, thank you Hoseok,”

“It’s no problem. You’re a big kid now, yeah? Got your own lighter and everything,”

“I didn’t even have to ask,” He joked, flicking the catch a couple times and watching the flame light, flicker and then extinguish in his hands. Under the glow of the Christmas lights and the creeping darkness of the rest of the apartment the flame danced startlingly bright against his fingertips.

Changkyun grew lost in pushing the lighter on and off. He was wasting the fuel already he knew, but he didn't want to stop. His breathing was a little quick and the hand not holding the lighter was still balled into a tight fist on his thigh.

“Are you okay kid?” Hoseok’s voice sounded concerned all of a sudden. “You seem a little flustered,”

“I’m fine,” Changkyun replied quickly as he placed the lighter on the coffee table gently. He’d have to remind himself to pick it up before he left in the morning but with a feeling of anticipation in his stomach he realised he’d probably smoke enough times that night to remember to put it in his pocket at some point. The thought comforted him.

“Was it the blindfold?” Hoseok asked softly. “Was it too much? If it was too much I’m sorry, I was just playing around but I didn’t mean to overwhelm you or whatever-”

“No, Hoseok, don’t worry,” Changkyun dragged his eyes away from the lights reflected in the coffee table to give Hoseok a reassuring smile. In the hues of the hazy glow his eyes danced like little specks of glitter were threaded through their surface and his milky skin reflected the colours like a dull mirror. “I.. I liked it,”

“You liked it?”

“Mm,” Changkyun hummed and went back to fiddling with his fingers.

There was a short pause, and then Hoseok’s voice came back and it was maybe just a little bit breathless. “How much?”

“..Too much,” He whispered, and his cheeks felt hot as he ignored Hoseok gaze.

Of all the things Changkyun would have thought he’d like, blindfolds hadn’t been on the list.

Since it had gotten bad last year Changkyun hadn’t found much of an interest in anything anymore, his days had been made up of just trying to see the sunset at night and sunrise at morning so him mum wouldn’t be sad when he died. Now, however, he was starting to _feel_ , but that didn’t only include emotions apparently. He was curious about all things, and that definitely included sex.

He found his mind wandering to the boy sat next to him without realising. Would Hoseok ever think of doing anything more with him? The way he’d dragged his hands up his sides when they’d kissed the other day, just the thought of how he’d pressed his fingers into his bare skin made Changkyun blush.

It was close to what he’d felt with the fabric of the blindfold wrapped around his face. Every single touch of his skin had been electric, each sound amplified and the anticipation almost overwhelming.

Changkyun liked feeling his body. The fire in his lungs from a cigarette, the burn or alcohol or tingly pinpricks of whatever he’d smoked at Haneuls that time, the heightened senses of the blindfold or the pressing of wet kisses to his neck but he didn’t like to actually feel. He was slowly realising he’d rather pretend to be alive than actually be alive but the thought didn’t bother him as much as it maybe should.

Hoseok cleared his throat and the sound dragged the younger boy out of his thoughts. “Oh. Oh, okay, well, that’s.. that’s good to know I guess-”

“Thank you,” Changkyun spoke over him quickly, distracting himself and changing the subject almost definitely on purpose.

“For what kid?”

“For all of this. Really, thank you,” Changkyun gestured to the lights on the wall and the plastic yellow stick on the table before turning back to the other boy. There was this weird feeling in his chest and he didn’t like it, it felt like he was choking and it was a little hard to breathe. “Nobody’s ever really done something like this for me before, I.. it’s weird, I don’t…”

“Changkyun?”

“Just lately I’ve been feeling a lot of different things you know? And they’re just.. they’re just normal things like happy and sad and afraid but it’s so fucking weird to be, to be, to be feeling things after so long-”

“Kid-” Hoseok tried to talk over him but Changkyun couldn’t find it in himself to stop spilling his words. He was aware he was rambling but the words were catching in his throat and he didn’t want to stop.

“I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit, it’s fucking _weird_ , like, like do people feel these things all the time Hoseok? This happy and sad and afraid?”

“Yeah kid, yeah they do,” When Changkyun looked into his eyes searching for some kind of answer he was met with an unreadable expression on Hoseok’s face.

“Is it always so overwhelming?” He breathed.

“Sometimes,” Hoseok’s voice was surprisingly strained.

“I don’t like it,” Changkyun tore his gaze away from their stare and looked down at his hands. With a frown he realised he’d been pulling at his sleeves, little tendrils of fabric dangling from the edges and a few stray threads stuck to his palm.

“Kid?” Hoseok spoke gently, and all of a sudden there was a hand being placed on his thigh out of what seemed like concern. “Kid, are you crying?”

“No,” Changkyun turned his head to the side to rub at his cheeks angrily. He was definitely _not_ crying. It had been a long day and he just wanted to sleep that was all.

“Changkyun-”

“Fuck off Hoseok,” Changkyun mumbled. It sounded like he was trying to be irritated but it came out defensive and there was no malice in his words. “I need a cigarette,” He muttered after he rubbed at his cheeks, automatically reaching into his pocket for the packet of KTG’s and all of a sudden Hoseok pushed himself up from the couch.

“Where are you going?” Changkyun sniffed angrily and looked up at him in surprise. When he’d told the older boy to fuck off he hadn’t actually meant it.

“To get us both a fucking drink, that’s where,”

Changkyun relaxed back into the couch after he’d clarified where he was going. As the tell-tale sound of the fridge being opened sounded through the apartment Changkyun took a moment to rub at his eyes and nose, taking a couple of deep breaths to compose himself. He had not just cried because he couldn’t deal with emotions. He was not a fucking crybaby.

A loud pop echoed through the apartment lit only by Christmas lights as Hoseok supposedly levered the cork from a bottle but to Changkyun surprise the flat was only filled with the gentle hiss of alcohol from one glass of liquid, not two. Why had Hoseok only opened one bottle?

Changkyun got his answer when Hoseok rounded the edge of the couch to sit down next to him again. There was a tall rose glass in one hand, inlaid with little gold lettering printed in the actual body of the bottle, and hooked between the fingers of his other hand were two cheap wine glasses. Hoseok set everything on the table as gently as he could.

“This is the same brand of wine you threw away last time,” He explained softly, tilting the neck of the wine bottle with skilled hands and letting the glimmering liquid pour into the first glass with a delicate clink. The liquor sparkled in the Christmas lights and little bubbles popped on the surface. “It’s very expensive and very, very strong. I figure, well.. we’ve gotten over the emotional shit now, how about we just get fucking smashed? But.. fancy smashed. With fucking _wine_ ,”

It was obvious Hoseok was using his words to calm Changkyun down. A distraction in its simplest form, and it was working. It reminded the younger boy of the very first night they’d met. How Hoseok had been that scary biker with his leather jacket and pink motorbike who’d ran his words so fast through the night air Changkyun hadn’t been able to think twice about coming back to his apartment.

He nodded with a small smile, anxiety in his stomach settling with the obvious reassurance. “Sounds good,”

There was the delicate clink of glass against glass and the soft glug of liquid as Hoseok poured the second cup and then lifted one up to hand to Changkyun. The younger boy wrapped his hand around the curve of the glass as delicately as he could.

“Let’s make a toast,” Hoseok eyed the glass in his hands before looking up at him with a somewhat mischievous smile.

“To?”

“Hmm..” Hoseok swirled the wine around in his fingers and then raised a questioning eyebrow. “To feeling things?”

“No,” Changkyun shook his head. While he enjoyed the feeling of fire in and on his body he didn’t appreciate making a toast to the tears he’d cried only minutes ago. It didn’t seem right, and so he glanced around at the lights on the wall and the lighter on the table before dragging his eyes back to Hoseok's. “Let’s make a toast to.. to us,”

“Okay kid,” Hoseok grinned and lifted his hand. “To us,”

“To us,” Changkyun tapped the edge of their glasses together, the pretty clink of glass echoing through the quiet apartment. They watched each other take their first sip of wine – Hoseok drunk more but Changkyun had expected him too – and it tasted like rose and bitter grape and it burned the back of his throat.

“Merry own-Christmas Hoseok,” Changkyun grinned and Hoseok broke out into a smile as well.

“Merry own-Christmas kid,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night Hoseok learned that he didn’t know a lot about Changkyun.

They’d almost ghosted through how people normally meet their friends, glazing over the formalities like family life and school work and hobbies. Instead, after Hoseok had brought him home the night on the bridge and they’d gotten fucked up just a few too many times, they were friends without actually _being_ friends.

After cracking open the wine and pouring a glass for each of them they’d sat back on the couch and stared at the lights on the wall for a little too long before they’d talked. Hoseok had spent a long time setting up each one of the wires so they hung across the white plaster. He’d drawn the curtains over the window and changed the bulb in the lamp and shifted the couch just to the right so it would be their perfect Christmas. 

He hadn’t spent so long on one thing that wasn’t smoking or drinking for a very long time.

And he hadn’t expected Changkyun to cry. He supposed it was a little emotional and probably overwhelming and from what Hoseok had seen the kid didn’t fare well in overwhelming situations. He tended to tense up or run away, his flight or fight response permanently stuck on flight. Hoseok had done his best to distract him with wine and words and it had worked to some extent, so he was torn between the warmth of knowing Changkyun had been so enamoured by what he’d set up in his shitty apartment and the guilt that maybe it had been too much all at once for the younger boy to handle. He’d tricked himself into thinking Changkyun was older and less fragile, running away with his own feelings of happy and forgetting other people's. Hoseok managed to drown his doubts in his first glass of wine while they sat in silence, but eventually the insecurity began creeping back. What if it had scared Changkyun? The blindfold for the laughs, the Christmas lights and lighter and everything else, what if had just been too much?

But then, after Changkyun had sipped his wine gently and stared at the gentle slosh of glimmering liquid and Hoseok had already poured his second glass, he began to talk.

It had started quietly. Changkyun had mumbled something about how his favourite animal was the bird, and then about how he’d met Hyungwon on a swing, and then he was just talking about everything and anything and it was rushed and rambled but he was _talking_.

The older boy listened in silence while he talked, seemingly unhindered by the occasional cracks in his voice and stutter of his breath, and his mouth kept moving and the words kept pouring out until Hoseok swore he couldn’t breathe. It was so weird hearing him talk to continuously – there were no flickering eyes of reassurance or curious questions interspersed within each sentence; Changkyun was just talking. Talking, and telling, and while occasionally he’d lift a hand up to angrily rub at his eye or sniff a little from the cold Hoseok didn’t dare interrupt him for fear or making him stop.

He learned Changkyun used to love to film. He learnt his favourite type of film were the old black and white movies, the ones that were printed in little plastic squares and could be fed through machines, and that when he was younger and not at Hyungwon’s he’d make rolling-movies with old cameras he spent all his birthday money on until one day when he was seventeen he’d trashed his room after a breakdown and he’d thrown all his lenses out the window. He told him about how his therapist was called Junghee and apparently she had grey hair that she bleached white on the first Tuesday of every month and that he hadn’t seen her in over two weeks and his mum was mad at him for it. Apparently, the lenses he’d broken in his fit of anger had been expensive, and Hoseok watched with a smile as Changkyun gave a sheepish laugh while he spoke about it and fiddled with the end of his sleeves.

When Changkyun told him about what music had been his favourite before he’d forgotten how to feel Hoseok couldn’t help the slight smile that pulled at his mouth when he hummed the faint tune to his indie bands. When Changkyun told him he’d met Hyungwon when he was six on some swing at the park and the first thing he’d said was ‘Go away’ Hoseok had had trouble not laughing out loud because it was just so Changkyun. When the younger boy had grown pensive and told him how his least favourite season was autumn because people start calling death pretty he couldn’t help but notice how his fingers grew erratic when he talked, yanking on threads like they were balls of yarn and picking at his nails until little flakes of skin peeled away.

At some point Hoseok couldn’t stand watching him pull apart his hands and so he held them in his own, gently taking hold of the younger boy’s hands and pulling them into his lap from where they both sat on the couch. Changkyun’s speech had faltered a little and he’d taken a moment to wet his lips and breathe deeply before beginning to talk again, and this time Hoseok listened without interruption, learning everything he’d never known about the kid he’d taken home that night two months ago with the reflection of Christmas lights dancing on their faces.

“.. and yeah. Yeah, so then.. so then last year it got super fucking bad and I can’t really remember much since. My mum.. ha, my mum, the other day, she almost cried ‘cos I had an entire conversation with her that didn’t end in tryna get me more sessions with Junghee,” Changkyun laughed softly and his talk seemed to be coming to a close. At some point he’d began to fiddle with the hand Hoseok had used to hold his, opening and closing his fingers as a distraction from whatever was in his head instead of pulling apart his sleeves.

Hoseok didn’t mind in the slightest.

“And that’s it. That’s me, and I don’t really know why I just spoke for half an hour and you don’t care, not really, but I’m really fucking tired and drunk and you’ve done all this shit for me and I guess I felt like I owed you something back, I dunno,”

Hoseok couldn’t help the exhale of air he blew out into the cold room at the statement. “You don’t owe me anything Kid,” He replied, eyes trained on their entwined hands instead of on his face.

“I owe you my life,” His words were soft.

Eventually they grew silent, Changkyun fiddling with his hand and resting a head on his shoulder, Hoseok watching the Christmas lights in front of them flicker in his slightly blurred vision. The glass of wine in his other hand was almost empty and for some reason he couldn’t remember whether or not he’d had two glasses or three. It didn’t bother him but he’d seen how Changkyun had shrunk back in on himself upon seeing him pour yet another glass earlier and he didn’t want to worry the younger boy any more than usual. Today had proved just how fragile he was and so he simply stared at the reflection of the lights in the rim of the glass rather than bring it up to his lips to feel the comforting burn of liquor.

“They look like stars,” Changkyun’s quiet words were sudden in the silence apartment.

“Hmm?” Hoseok hummed in response, dragging his eyes away from his glass to stare at the strings of Christmas lights hanging all across his wall.

“The lights. They look like stars,”

“I guess so kid,” Hoseok let his head fall gently to rest on the mop of orange hair leant against his shoulder. “Do you like stars?”

“Mmm,” came the response, a tired agreement hummed under his breath.

“I’m gonna fucking ruin this shirt sleeping in it,” Hoseok mumbled while tapping his fingers on the glass held in his hand. They were both tired and he knew how they worked by now – Changkyun would sleep soon due to his exhaustion or alcohol consumption and Hoseok would quickly follow suit. 

“Why don’t you take it off?” Changkyun spoke with a lilt in his voice as he drummed his fingers on the back of Hoseok’s hand, the slight shift in pronunciation meant he could imagine his tired smile even when he couldn’t see it.

“Don’t wanna move,” He chuckled. At some point he found himself tapping Changkyun’s fingers back every time they went to pull, and so their hands were a mess off pushing and scrabbling and gentle teasing until Changkyun let out a little laugh at the playfulness and Hoseok immediately felt a rush of warmth.

“Mm-” All of a sudden Changkyun shifted, pulling himself into an upright position on the sofa and swinging his legs to the side. “I’ll do it then,”

Hoseok snorted in disbelief because there was no way he was about to take off his top for him. That was, until the younger boy was pulling at his top button and he automatically threw his hands up in defence. “Wait, kid-”

“Shh, trust me,”

The look in Changkyun’s eye and mischievous grin was enough to make Hoseok chuckle softly and relax back into the couch so he could undo his shirt. After he threaded the first button undone he pulled apart the fabric at the corner and then moved on to the next. Hoseok chose to ignore the gentle shake of his hands as he did so, instead focusing simply on his face. He watched with fond amusement as the younger boy chewed his lip in careful concentration, nose scrunched and eyes trained on each button. His bottom eyelashes were spiked in little clumps like they’d been rubbed by a fist or dried when wet. When the crinkled fabric of his shirt was tugged out from the waistband of his jeans Hoseok simply sat there and watched fumbling hands snag open the last button before Changkyun sat back with a pleased smile. After a few seconds he reached out to take the wine glass in his other hand – supposedly so Hoseok could thread his arms out of the sleeves and remove the shirt for good – but Hoseok held up a hand in warning.

“Wait-” He mumbled before downing rest of glass and handing it over empty. Changkyun didn’t comment on his actions but Hoseok would have been a fool to miss the way he bit his lip and averted his eyes if only for a second.

After the younger boy had gingerly placed the glass back on the coffee table Hoseok watched him take his yellow lighter from the table and flick open the lid of his cigarettes to pull out a stick. He took the opportunity to tug the now open shirt off from both of his arms and drape it over the arm of the couch.

As Changkyun smoked Hoseok glanced around at his surroundings before his eyes landed on the plaid blanket thrown over the back of the sofa. He shifted his weight and pulled it from where it lay, fussing with the fabric until Changkyun stubbed out his cigarette on the wood of the table and they could fall back into the position they were sat in before – Hoseok’s back pressed against the cushions, hands entwined in their lap now covered by the blanket and Changkyun’s head on his shoulder. This time, however, Hoseok didn’t stop himself from wrapping a bare arm around the younger boy’s back and they both shifted until they were comfortable. If Changkyun noticed the change in contact he didn’t mention it. He supposed it should be weird, this sort of unspecified comfort in the form of holding hands or wrapping arms around shoulders but it was just nice to feel the presence of Changkyun so very close to him.

They sat like that for a while, alcohol dripping into their systems as they watched the Christmas lights in front of them before Hoseok found himself muttering words he usually didn’t want to say out loud.

“Is this always gonna be me?” His voice was quiet and he found himself watching Changkyun fiddle with his hands as he did so.

“What dyou mean?” Changkyun’s reply was hushed as well.

“Am I never gonna do anything?” Hoseok could feel the control over his words slipping through his fingers like sand as his body grew heavy with liquor and sleep. “Am I really just gonna live in this shitty fucking apartment till the day my liver gives up or my heart just stops?”

There was a pause. The fiddling of his hands ceased in the silence but Hoseok couldn’t find it in himself to stop talking.

“I’m twenty four Changkyun. I should have a life by now, actually be doing shit. Not just this, drinking and smoking and.. fuck, I dunno what I’m on about, I’m sorry, you’re just a kid-”

He was cut off by lips pressed against his.

It was an awkward angle to kiss at, Changkyun’s neck tilted and Hoseok’s shoulders stiff, but they made it work somehow. It was slow and tired and not really tender but not really urgent, more just.. there.

If it had been any other time maybe it would have been different. Changkyun would have shifted to sit on Hoseok’s lap and the older boy would have let him run his hands all over his chest and pull at his hair while he trailed kisses down his neck. At any other point Hoseok would have taken his waist in his hands and pulled him as close as possible and never let go, but that was not the case for this kiss. 

As it was the movement of their lips against the other lasted barely a minute. It tasted like wine and the cigarette Changkyun had been smoking and the lingering remains of takeaway food and it wasn’t the best combination but it was the most normal. Changkyun didn’t plead this time, Hoseok didn’t push him against a kitchen counter or trail fingers up the edge of his shirt, they just stayed in that moment for however long they needed until eventually the smooth hand on his face skirted down his neck as Changkyun pulled away from him. The movement left little trails of fire along his skin.

They fell back into the position they’d been in before without complaint.

“Do you do that just to distract me?” Hoseok mumbled as his wet lips tingled in the cold air of the apartment.

“Mmm,” Changkyun traced his palm where it laid on the plaid blanket draped over their lap. “It’s a good distraction, right?”

Hoseok nodded slowly, carefully, a wistful smile on his face. “Mm. Makes me feel like we’re both okay,”

“We are both okay,”

“I didn’t know you were a liar, Changkyun,”

It was meant to be a joke but neither of them laughed and Hoseok found himself wondering if he’d said something wrong.

The silence stretched on for a long time after that, their breathing growing steady as their vision faded with sleep and their hands fell flat on their laps still entwined. Hoseok swore the younger boy has fallen asleep in his arms until the sound of his drowsy voice whispered from just below him. His voice was languid and Hoseok assumed he was just on the verge of sleep.

“Why d’you drink?” 

Hoseok froze as the question caught him off guard. “What?”

“You heard me,” Changkyun mumbled and his next words were delayed by a soft yawn and a stretch of his feet. “Why?”

“Kid..” Hoseok couldn’t help the exasperation colouring his tone. He so badly wanted to be honest and open and tell the truth but at the same time he just wanted to sleep. He’d finished the wine but he figured he could probably down a simple can of Soju to speed up the process of slumber and he’d be happy to go and get one from the fridge if there wasn’t a head resting on his shoulder and a hand in his lap that kept him rooted the spot. 

“Don’t worry, it’s okay. It’s okay, I’ve seen you bad now, ‘nd I’m still gonna stay right here,” Changkyun stumbled over his words in his tiredness. “Right here, with you, so you can tell me if you want,”

Hoseok didn’t know what to say because the words hit his chest harder than anything else ever had. Changkyun was going to stay right there? With him? Just those two words gave him so much hope and yet he couldn’t even entertain the thought that maybe he was telling the truth. Changkyun wasn’t a liar but nobody stayed with Hoseok.

“I trusted you, earlier,” The younger boy murmured, and this time his voice was whisper-quiet in the silent apartment. “You can trust me.. you... you can tell me,”

Hoseok didn’t say anything.

He ran his thumb over the back of Changkyuns hand while his mind wandered to other things, pulling his focus away from the moment as he instead began tracing a little mole on the back of the younger boy’s finger.

He wondered, would Changkyun tan in the summer? Turn a lovely shade of honey and gold, or was he one to wear sleeves during the hot months so only his face got a little burnt? Was he one for the beach or for sea-side cafes? He’d probably disregard the sweetener in his coffee for the bitter taste of the beans and he’d dunk the biscuit so much his fingertips got stained with the liquid. Maybe he’d be one for the sea instead of the pool, or maybe he wouldn’t like swimming at all and would rather hole himself up in his room during summer and turn on the air conditioning as he napped away the heat.

That sounded more like Changkyun.

Hoseok’s mind wandered so much he found himself speaking without realising, whispering words into the quiet of the air for Changkyun to listen to in his arms.

“I’m scared Changkyun,” He spoke softly, stomach reeling at the confessions and brain yelling at him to be quiet before he said something he’d regret in the morning when he was a little more sober and having to deal with Changkyun’s pity or kindness or both. “I’m always so fucking scared. Of myself and, and of other people and… and my problem, my stupid fucking problem that I’ll only admit I have when I fucking feel like it, I… It’s fucking stupid. I’m all piercings and muscle and bad fucking words but.. but nobody ever sees how scared I am,”

There was a long pause in which neither of them spoke. A car horn sounded out the window, one of the bulbs in front of them flickered, and Changkyun stayed silent where his head was resting on his shoulder.

“I used to know this person, small and pretty, just like you,” Hoseok murmured. Every single fibre of his being was telling him to stop talking, stop thinking, shut his mouth before he spilled all the secrets he was trying to forget but Hoseok was too far gone in the moment to really process what he was saying. It was a relief, speaking the words he’d avoided before, and though his throat burnt and his breath caught he still whispered the words into the quiet air. “This person.. he… he was my everything. He had a good heart filled with cruel words, but he was my everything Changkyun. My everything,”

Hoseok smiled sadly.

“What if one day you woke up and your everything was gone?” Hoseok felt his gaze flit up to the ceiling for a moment, a weird prickling sensation in the corner of his eyes before he dragged them back down to stare at where their hands were held together on his lap. “What would you do then, eh kid? If all you had left was nothing. Would you try and fill the space with something?” 

Hoseok sighed, and the sound was so fragile even to his own ears. He hated this. He hated how vulnerable he was, how it was something so fucking stupid that had led to him being to fucking incompetent.

“Is something bad better than nothing at all?” He murmured, and yet there came no reply.

“Changkyun?” He frowned a little, shifting his head and tilting his neck to find the younger boy had his eyes closed gently where his head was resting on his shoulders. His mouth was parted just a crack, hands slack against where they were held between his own fingers, and with a smile both fond and sad Hoseok realised he had fallen asleep.

The thought was comforting. Maybe Changkyun had heard what he’d said and maybe he hadn’t, but what he did know is that he wanted him to find the peace in sleep he couldn’t get in real life.

“Sweet dreams kid,” He spoke softly, running his thumb over the back of his hand before letting his own head fall slack against the cushions and closing his eyes to the Christmas lights he’d spent so long setting up. “Don’t end up like me,”

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was four in the morning when Changkyun lit his next cigarette.

He was in Hoseok's bathroom sat on the edge of the tub, jeans awkwardly tight from where he'd slept in them and jumper wrinkled along his arms, hair fluffy over his aching eyes and nose running a little from the cold.

When he'd woken up only a few minutes ago he'd been lying with his head in Hoseok's lap, their hands entwined at an uncomfortable angle and the air filled only with the sound of his heavy breathing. After laying there for a few seconds in a sleepy daze Changkyun had pushed himself into a sitting position and scratched his pounding head. He'd shielded his eyes from the annoying bright Christmas lights and coughed a couple of times before stumbling to the bathroom in the quiet of the night.

As he sat on the edge of the tub little droplets of water trailed down his neck and the edges of his hair stuck to his forehead in little damp tendrils. The cold sweat he'd woken up with had been washed away by the splashing of water from the sink but that didn't stop the way his hands had shook as he'd taken a stick from the now familiar container and stuck it between his teeth.

He didn't have many left, he realised with a frown, and he tapped ash on the floor with one hand while he leafed through his remaining cigarettes with the tip of his finger.

Five. He had five left.

Changkyun let out a sigh and flicked the lid of the packet closed before shoving it back into his pocket. Biting the end of the stick between his teeth he gripped his phone and pulled it from the denim. The phone screen lit up in the bright bathroom, the blinking numbers declaring it to be sixteen minutes past four, early in the morning on the twenty third of December.

With the hand holding the smouldering cigarette draped over his lap Changkyun gnawed on his lip as he stared at the pixelated screen. He shouldn't, but he wanted to, and so he would.

He dialled the number and held it up to his ear.

The sound of the ringing echoing through the otherwise deadly silent apartment like an alarm and nerves chewed at his stomach while he waited for him to pick up.

He couldn't help the sigh of overwhelming relief that fell from his mouth when the receiver clicked in his ear.

" _Hello-_ "

Changkyun smiled at the sound of the familiar voice in his ear and tapped ash on the floor. "Hyungwon, hey-"

" _You have reached Chae Hyungwon's voicemail. I'm either working, sleeping or studying right now and could not pick up the phone. Please leave a message after the tone,_ "

The phone clicked off in his hand.

“Fuck,” Changkyun sighed, rubbed his face with the back of the hand holding his cigarette as he dropped the phone away from his ear.

Of course Hyungwon would be sleeping right now. Of course he wouldn't pick up. Changkyun was stupid to think he'd be awake at such an absurd time and he'd been stupid to think that just because he needed someone to talk to that wasn't Hoseok his best friend would pick up his fucking phone.

After a final drag of what was remaining of his cigarette Changkyun rubbed the embers of the stick into the ceramic of the sink, smudging ash in a little line across the white before dropping the butt into the basin. It lay next to one of Hoseok's bottles that he'd found upon entering the bathroom just a few minutes ago and had promptly poured out what little liquid was left in the glass until it swirled down the drain.

The tops of his thighs dug into the edge of the bathtub where he was sat hunched over his phone screen, the little blue rectangle still glowing in the bathroom.

There was one other person he could call, right?

Changkyun didn't allow himself to think twice before swiping up on his keypad and pulling up his recent contacts. The blank profile picture glared at him from the screen.

Changkyun tapped the little green call button and held the phone up to his ear.

The receiver clicked after only a few seconds of ringing.

"… hello?"

There came a few seconds of rustling in the background and the sound of a muffled deeper voice before a familiar sound echoed tinny in the small bathroom. " _Changkyun? Is that you?_ "

"Yeah. Yeah it’s me, hey Minhyuk,"

" _Oh, I wasn’t expecting such an honour of a call from the likes of you,_ ” Minhyuk’s sickly sweet honey voice was smooth even though the speakers of his phone. " _I missed your voice cutie, how have you been?_ "

Changkyun shrugged a little despite not being face to face with the other boy. How was he meant to explain exactly how he’d been? Actually feeling things? That wasn’t a great start to a conversation. "Uh, well, actually I-"

" _Is Hoseok there? It's four in the morning, and while I'm fucking high as the sky and loving life I hope you don't mind me pointing out this is a little bit of a strange time to call,_ "

"I.. Hoseok's sleeping. I just wanted to talk I guess," 

" _Oh?_ " There was a pause. Minhyuk didn’t ask why he was asleep or why they were together but then again he supposed it wasn’t that strange. They did spend a lot of time together, why would it be weird for Hoseok to be sleeping in the same place as Changkyun? " _Does he know you're talking to me?_ " Minhyuk posed the question carefully and there was a barely controlled curiosity to his tone.

"No?" Changkyun frowned, picking at a spot on his jeans. Should he tell Hoseok he was talking to Minhyuk? He didn’t need to know. He had just wanted someone to talk to but didn’t want to bother him in his sleep.

" _Mmm. You really are an interesting boy aren't you? Pretty and curious, what a dangerous mix,_ " Minhyuk almost purred and the sound was as intriguing as it was unsettling. “ _If you’re smart too I will have to tap out. Pretty and curious is my favourite type of person, but the minute you throw smart into the equation you can never have any fucking fun,_ ”

"Mm," He didn’t quite know what Minhyuk was on about, but then again, he never really did. "I was, uh.. well, do you wanna hang out some time? Like, soon?"

" _Hmm, I dunno cutie. You stood me up last time, when you texted me on the fourteenth. Said we'd meet at the weekend and then cancelled the day after,_ "

Changkyun frowned as he remembered. He’d texted Minhyuk after the crisis of finding Hoseok almost passed out from drinking on the floor of his bathroom the other week, but he’d shot him a quick text in the morning explaining how he couldn’t meet up because of family issues. They’d both known he’d been lying and had just chickened out of seeing the other boy again but Minhyuk didn’t seem to care about lies.

"I'm sorry?” His apology was more of a question.

" _Don't be. I know Hoseok can be quite a fucking handful, let's see.. I'm quite busy this next week, finalising all the shit that's finances and stuff.. but I do have the January shipment being brought in on Friday..._ " Changkyun listened to his ramblings and there came the faint sound of shuffling through the speakers of the phone. It sounded like the rubbing of fabric against skin, and Changkyun was left to wonder just what Minhyuk had been doing at such a time to be able to answer his four in the morning phone call. He’d said he was high, but why the fuck was he high so early? " _Hmm. How about you give me a hand this week cutie? Put those pretty arms and legs to use for some hard-wearing manual labour. It'll be payback for the cigarettes I gave you,_ ”

"But you didn't pay for them," Changkyun frowned. Some part of mind wondered just what Minhyuk meant by ‘manual labour’ but he wasn't about to ask.

" _Didn't I?_ ” Changkyun could see Minhyuk’s toothy smile in his mind just at the lilt of his voice. " _Yes. Yes, okay cutie, that’d work. How does Friday sound? Are you doing anything? No? Didn't think so. Hoseok won't mind if you don't tell him, right sweetie?_ "

"Sweetie?"

" _Mmm. Or do you prefer cutie? I quite like both, though Jooheon told me Hoseok calls you ‘kid’. That’s so adorable, does he really call you kid?_ "

At the sound of the other boy's name he felt a pang run through his chest. He almost felt guilty. "He does,"

" _Do you think you’re a kid Changkyun?_ "

Changkyun swallowed, suddenly feeling like he was being put on the spot. "No,"

" _You can make your own decisions right? Don't need some big scary biker to do it for you?_ " Minhyuk’s voice was innocent sounding and Changkyun couldn’t help but shrink back in on himself even not in his presence. He felt like he had to say no, and so he did.

"No,"

" _Exactly,_ " There came a metallic giggle from the speakers and the sound was comforting in an almost childlike way to Changkyun. " _So I'll see you Friday then? I'll text you the address but you better keep it hush-hush or I will throw a fucking fit,_ ” Minhyuk laughed like it was a joke. He didn’t sound like he was joking.

Changkyun shrugged a little again but he voiced his confusion. "Yeah, sure I guess.. but why do I need to-"

" _Curiosity killed the cat, Changkyun,_ ” Minhyuk deadpanned and he sounded a little bored. “ _But I do suppose satisfaction bought it back,_ "

Minhyuk’s way of talking was so different. It was of posh dialect, the way he threw in little phrases like 'hush hush' and 'I do suppose’ suggested a high class background and yet his swearing and shortening of words contrasted everything else. It was like he'd been raised with manners then thrown to the city dwelling wolves.

There came more rustling from down the line, and for a second the speaker was muffled. There was the hum of voices – one significantly lower then the other – and then all of a sudden Minhyuk was speaking through the phone. He sounded tired. " _I'll see you then. Do me a favour and don't tell your little eagle you're with me, hmm? He doesn't know me all that well but I have a feeling he doesn't trust me,_ "

Little eagle. Did Minhyuk mean Hoseok? Who else could he mean? Nobody, Changkyun supposed.

"Okay, I.. I won't tell," Changkyun mumbled, scratching at the threads on his sleeves with his fingernail. “But why wouldn’t he trust you?”

" _Do you trust me Changkyun?_ "

He thought about the question for a second and then shook his head. "No,"

" _Good,_ "

Minhyuk hung up the phone.

Changkyun stared at the glowing phone screen in his hand for a few minutes after the call ended in a kind of tired daze. There was something about interacting with Minhyuk that hooked him and he supposed it was his curiosity. The way he spoke, his feminine movements and iterations and interesting way of weaving questions through his words that compelled him to just go along with whatever he said.

It was genius, really, and Changkyun was left to wonder if Minhyuk knew he was a genius as he made his way back into the main area of Hoseok's apartment. The other boy was still fast asleep on the couch with his messy hair over his eyes and breathing deep and steady. Their empty glasses were placed on the coffee table and the rims reflected the still glowing Christmas lights taped to the plaster behind them.

The sight of them hung on the wall made a pang of something sharp shoot through Changkyun's chest and he swallowed the lump in his throat as quickly as he could. He lowered himself back down to where he'd been lying before he'd gone to the bathroom for a smoke, lifting Hoseok's arm as gently as he could to pull it back over his shoulder and wrap his fingers around his forearm for comfort.

Just before he let his body relax into sleep he twisted his next to plant a small kiss against the other boy’s cheek. It was brief and chaste and childish but it eased the guilt in his stomach from the phone call with Minhyuk and so, with a calmed conscience and pounding headache, Changkyun let his head droop against Hoseok's shoulder as he drifted into unconsciousness once again.

If Changkyun had known any better he would have said it was the warmth of the familiar body underneath him that lulled him to sleep.


	9. dragons den

Despite everything that had changed in his life over the past few months, Hoseok still really hated bars.

The only comfort he could find was in the stools lined up by the counter, the smell of alcohol a reassurance as those around him drunk almost as much as him on a daily basis. The loud chatter of couples reverberated through his nerves as he drummed his fingers on wood he leant on, peering over at the workers as he waited for one to notice his apparent lack of drink and come to his service.

Eventually, after he’d run his hand through his hair more times than necessary and waved at more than a few of the bartenders, he caught the attention of a man in his late twenties who looked like he’d rather be anywhere but serving drunk old men and batting away teenagers with shitty fake IDs.

“Can I just have a glass please?” He spoke over the din of music behind him, voice polite but definitely impatient. The worker shot him a strange look at his request but he was apparently in no mood to protest and handed him a glass without hesitation. Hoseok pulled the bottle from inside his jacket pocket after he'd slipped it there earlier and then used the opener on his keys to send the cork spiralling onto the counter with a metallic pop before tipping the contents into the glass and heaving a sigh. What he was doing was definitely against policy – both him and the suited worker watching him with narrowed eyes knew that – but people tended not to contest what Hoseok did when he wore leather and flexed his back at any kind of suspicion. He didn't think he was particularly intimidating but he certainly wasn't the most approachable person either.

He supposed he could have just ordered a drink but he wanted something stronger than the elegant cocktails they served at the shitty Hwagok-sa bar he was sat in and he knew from experience they only allowed Vodka in the form of little crystalline shots. At least his own alcohol got him drunk enough to not give a shit about the weird looks people gave him just because he was existing and it tasted better too - bitter enough to hurt, not just sting.

As Hoseok sat there and sipped at his drink, back to the rowdy bar behind him and the thrum of music pulsing through his body, he tried very hard not to think about Changkyun and was not very successful.

He hadn't seen the younger boy since their very own Christmas. He missed him. For some reason he hadn't particularly minded being alone on Christmas - he'd even taken a short ride around the city at night just to see the celebrations and saved most of his drink for the evening - but waking up alone and not hearing the familiar deep voice wishing him good morning or grumbling about his hangover had left him feeling like his apartment was empty all of a sudden.

At some point last night he'd even ventured into his room and pulled out the canvas from under his bed, opened the messy cardboard box that held paints and pencils and charcoals and pastels and thumbed through his old sketchbook with a bubbling can just to the side of him and the light too bright for how late at night it had been.

The idea had been there, haunting the back of his mind since Changkyun had left him a week ago, but nothing had come of it. Hoseok didn't feel like drawing just yet. The supplies had been pushed to the corner of his room, and he'd slept on the couch as per usual.

That was why he'd jumped at the chance to come out with Jooheon. Maybe a little outing would be good for him, stop him from being unable to light a cigarette without thinking about a pair of very different pink lips pressed against the paper or cold hands held within his. 

He had already downed half the glass and tried to distract himself from thinking about Changkyun three times when he finally heard a voice from behind him. There was no point in turning around for he knew what he would see; Jooheon, sweaty from dancing, bleached hair plastered to his face in little curls and expensive watch flashing at him under the lights of the dance floor as he made his way over to exactly where he was sat. It was the same scene every time, deviation a rare thing for his friend.

“Brother!” The familiar voice sounded the minute he pulled himself up on the stool next to him to lounge on the counter like he owned the place. Considering his designer attire - button up shirt tucked into jeans, belt branded and shoes made of leather - he looked the part too.

“Fuck off,” Hoseok grinned, no malice in his words as he wiped the edges of his mouth with the back of his hand. After having gone the past week not seeing his friend when he’d claimed to be busy over Christmas and only called him every other day, finally meeting him in person was a big relief to Hoseok because, even though he’d never admit it, he missed his friend when he was absent for longer than usual.

“You look like shit,” Jooheon threw the jibe at him before his face broke out into a grin. Whenever he smiled it transformed his usually sharp features and his expression easily morphed into a friendly sight of dimples and eye-crescents. “How’s life?”

Hoseok laughed softly at the question and answered after taking a swig from his drink. “A fucking wreck. What about you?”

“Fucking confusing,” Jooheon pushed his damp hair back from his forehead as he spoke and Hoseok wondered just how hard he’d been dancing to have accumulated such a layer of sweat. He supposed it must have been a lot and he immediately felt bad for whatever person he’d been grinding against. “Wanna hear about it?”

“Hit me up brother,” Hoseok laughed as he lifted his drink to his lips.

“You are not ready for this,” Jooheon grinned, fixing the cuffs on his sleeves as he leant casually against the counter, feet lounging on the stool. “I asked Minnie – I mean, Druggie if I could move in with him the other day,”

Hoseok choked on his drink. The statement was thrown so casually he didn't know how to react. He turned his head around slowly to stare at his friend with wide, disbelieving eyes only to find a completely serious, incredibly wistful expression looking right back. It took a few more seconds of him gaping at Jooheon to even consider a response because holy fuck, his brother had only ever lived alone. Single and ready to fuck, that was his motto. Not.. not _this_. “Move in?” He asked incredulously, drink in hand momentarily forgotten. “You’ve known each other for two months, why the fuck are you asking to move in?”

“I’m fucking whipped man,” He grinned so wide his dimples dug pits into each of his cheeks as he waved down a worker from behind the bar. Hoseok watched the bartender scurry to get a glass of water without Jooheon even placing an order and he was left to wonder who Jooheon had made friends with to get ordinary employees running around after him like he was their boss. “I’m like, totally head over heels in love,”

Hoseok scoffed, turning his attention away from his friend's painfully blissful face to watch his own hand swirl his drink absentmindedly. “Sure you are,”

“Minnie doesn’t believe me either,” Jooheon said with a sigh. It sounded dramatic, but when Hoseok turned to give him a scathing look his eyes caught on the sight of his bare chest exposed by the few blue buttons undone on his shirt. The top of his crest poked out over the crinkled fabric and just the sight of the head of the eagle and thin outline of the shield irked Hoseok beyond belief. How could he flaunt it like that? He hated reminders of what he used to be, and so, while Jooheon continued talking in that exasperated tone of his, he turned back to stare at his glass instead of his friend. “He says the sex makes me delusional. When I asked to live with him he laughed in my face and told me no matter how many times me and Son fucked he wouldn't ever let me live there,” He sighed and Hoseok rolled his eyes.

“Son's the one who owns Haneuls, right?” He asked absentmindedly, not really caring but asking to be courteous to his friend. It was the least he could do.

“Yeah. I met him through Minnie- I mean Druggie. He's super fucking hot-”

“Yeah, I fucking know ‘cos you won't stop going on about it. Super hot, muscular, tan with these _perfect_ lips,”

“You know it brother,” He grinned proudly. “Anyway, yeah, ‘cos Minhyuk said he won't let nobody else in his apartment I ain't moving in anytime soon. Apparently he lives in Gangnam-gu. Even I don't live in Gangnam-gu,” At this statement his friend sighed dramatically and took a sip of his water. “Minnie really is such a handful though, seriously. Anytime we sleep together I wake up and he's just fucking gone, but he always looks so fucking _good_ I can't resist. We ain't really hung out much outside of the club or bedroom so I can see why he said no, but you know what I'm like brother, can't never keep my mouth shut,”

“I don't like him,” Hoseok said bluntly. “After what he did? I.. I don't think he's trustworthy,” Hoseok muttered and then proceeded to tilt his head up and down the rest of his drink. The warmth of the alcohol was all the comfort he needed and he let out a sigh of relief when he placed his now empty glass back onto the wooden counter of the bar.

“Fuck off. He didn't know Changkyun, didn't know it was his first time smoking that shit okay? Don't blame him,” Jooheon only touched on the subject before dragging his eyes away from where he’d been staring at the couple across from them to give Hoseok a little nudge around the shoulder. “How’ve you been with that lil' guy anyway, cute emo Changkyunnie? You got with him yet?”

“Nah,” Hoseok shrugged, feigning nonchalance. The words unexpectedly ground on his nerves but he wasn’t about to let his irritation show because it was irritation at himself, not his friend. Throughout their entire exchange he’d been struggling not to let his mind wander, he didn't particularly want to be reminded of how much he uncharacteristically missed him.

“Nah? What d’you mean, nah? Have you fucked yet?”

“No,” He repeated in monotone as he ran a hand through his hair, untangling the windswept knots as a distraction from the conversation. “Do you only ever think about your dick?”

“I mean, obviously,” Jooheon’s remark was followed by an obvious frown as he seemed to realise Hoseok was telling the truth. “You are kidding, right? You really haven’t yet? Holy shit, you need to like.. get on that. Literally. Cos you’d totally top him,”

“Jooheon-”

His friend held up a hand. “Don’t. I know you’re a switch, don’t even fucking try and deny it,”

“I’m not a switch,”

There was a pause. He'd answered too quickly. Jooheon raised his eyebrows as the edges of his lips quirked up in amusement.

“Hoseok,” His friend raised an eyebrow and took a small sip from his glass of water. “Look me in the eye, right now, and tell me you’re not a switch,”

The older boy turned to look at him with as much of a glare as he could muster. What he hated about how close he was with Jooheon was that he saw straight through his tough exterior, and the smug smile working its way onto his friend's face was enough to make his cheeks almost warm. “I’m not a switch,” He said angrily.

“Hoseok,”

“Fucking hell, fine,” He let out an exasperated sigh and gave up pretending. “Seriously brother, when he looks at me with those big eyes? Am I meant to not want to be on top of him? His fucking lips man, holy _shit_ ,”

“I fucking _knew_ it, my brother, a whole switch,” Jooheon laughed, his dimples digging cute little pits in each of his cheeks. “I don't blame you though, he is pretty cute. Just the right amount of rebellious emo twink to make him irresistible,”

“Okay, but did you _see_ those fishnets?” Hoseok ignored his friends attempt at poking fun, his mind suddenly occupied with one thing and one thing only; Changkyun. “Jooheon, brother, my man, I literally almost went _insane_ that night at Haneuls. He’s such a tease, just flaunting it like that but he’s so innocent and I-”

His friend raised his eyebrow in that annoyingly knowing way and looked at him with amusement, and while Hoseok supposed the smug expression should have grated on his nerves a little he was more scared he was going a mad. Everything was Changkyun, Changkyun, Changkyun, his pink lips and straight nose and slim frame haunting his mind.

“Don’t laugh at me brother,” He spoke a little too loud over the din of the bar but he couldn't find it in himself to care. “Look, I can’t fucking say no to him, and he’s all small in my arms and the way he says my name and his little whimpers and I just wanna- _fuck_ , my self-control is limited and he’s driving me fucking mad. I made him wear a blindfold the other day ‘cos I had the cutest fucking Christmas surprise for him but afterwards he said he liked it. He liked it! What the fuck am I meant to do with that information?"

“I dunno brother, what can you do?” Jooheon seemed to be stifling his laughter and some part of Hoseok should have been annoyed at his encouragement of his outburst but he couldn’t be when all he could think of was Changkyun.

“I don’t _know_ , that’s my problem!” He spoke loudly, annoyance at Jooheon’s smug expression growing, and when the couple next to him turned to stare the second his words carried out over the bar he lowered his voice to a harsh whisper and kept complaining. “What am I meant to do, walk right up to his pretty face and tell him I wanna fuck him against every available surface in my apartment? That’s not, I- I can’t just-”

All of a sudden the absurdity of the situation dawned on him and he laughed in surprise.

“Fuck,” His voice was incredulous at the revelation. “Fuck, I wanna fuck him against every available surface in my apartment,”

“That’s gonna be one hell of a night” Jooheon grinned at him over his glass of water.

“Fuck _off_ ,” Hoseok laughed but there was no irritation in the action. Jooheon also snorted with laughter and the amused sound carried over the clatter of somebody spilling their drink behind them and the heavy thrum of music on the dance floor as they sat in their own little bubble of calm at the bar.

“So I take it you like him then?” His friend grinned knowingly as he posed the question.

“Yeah. Yeah, I really fucking do,’ He nodded in defeat, the faint sound of amusement still present in his tone. Admitting it properly for the first time was definitely somewhat liberating, just acknowledging that maybe he actually felt something more lifting a weight off his shoulders. He tried not to feel guilty despite the gnawing feeling of betrayal already eating away at his stomach. It was irrational. He'd left him almost a year ago, there was nothing to be guilty about.

“Mmm, I knew it,” Jooheon teased before setting down his glass with a small sigh and relaxing his shoulders into a slouch. “In all seriousness, I hope you get with him. Genuinely. You deserve a little more happiness and I hate seeing you.. seeing you like this, you know?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know,” Hoseok felt awkward at the suddenly sombre change of subject and so, instead of dwelling on the implications of what Jooheon had implied, he drummed his fingers on the table and peered over the edge of the counter. The bartenders were whisking up drinks with nimble hands, handing them to the chattering customers and drunk men crowded around each stool, and once again he was appreciative of his tough exterior and leather jacket because the crowds tended to leave him the fuck alone. “I’m gonna get another drink ‘cos I’m too sober for this. D’you want anything?”

“Nah, I’m good brother, but.. but I think you should lay off the drinks too, you know?”

Hoseok shot Jooheon a careful look, attempting to dispel the impatience bubbling under the surface of his skin with a calm exterior. 

“Don’t, Jooheon. Not today, please,” He said softly. It was almost like he was pleading and even though his demeanour was too outright to be vulnerable right now, he was still uncomfortable about asking his friend to not argue with him over the amount he was drinking.

Jooheon looked like he was about to protest but he sat back with a sigh and avoided looking at Hoseok as he flagged down another worker - different this time, somewhat younger - and ordered the strongest drink on the menu. The barely legal employee had shot Jooheon a concerned look after supposedly watching him down his other glass but he paid him no mind – it was nobody else’s worry how much he chose to drink on a Friday night.

They sat in silence for a few seconds while his drink was served - a molten golden honey in its basic carved glass - and yet as he went to down it like usual with anticipation curling in his stomach there came a cautious voice from beside him.

“Hoseok,” Jooheon said carefully and Hoseok froze in the act of lifting his glass.

“Mmm?”

“I.. look, I just don’t think you should be drinking this much so early in the evening-”

Hoseok rolled his eyes and went back to raising his glass up to his lips. Even though Jooheon kept talking candidly beside him but he chose to ignore it, instead tipping the liquor until it washed down his throat in the comforting way he craved.

Jooheon was _still_ talking.

“-and I just... I care about you brother, a lot, and you’re fucking drinking yourself to death and I know I can’t stop you but-”

Hoseok froze.

Jooheons careful words faded into the background and the noise of the tipsy conversations around them at the bar did too, everything else blurring into obscurity as he placed his glass back on the counter and his stomach lurched uncomfortably.

“Why is my drink diluted?” He asked quietly.

All of a sudden his friend ceased his talking and gaped at him for a few seconds of silence. The sound of the bar bled into their small bubble of privacy at the counter but the thrum of music couldn't drown out the surprised tone of his friend's voice. “What?”

There was this tight feeling closing in on Hoseok's chest. The distinct texture of alcohol and water was still present on the flat of his tongue, the obvious lack of fire in his throat a stark reminder that the strongest drink on the menu should definitely not taste like light beer. “My drink. Why is it diluted?”

His friend shrugged and fiddled with his own glass of water on the table. He didn't meet Hoseok's eyes. “I dunno, ask the bartender I guess,”

Jooheon had always been a bad liar. The form of careful practiced nonchalance he exercised combined with the way he avoided the subject was a map leading right to the lie.

The realisation dawned on him rather quickly and his blood ran both horrifyingly cold and boiling hot at the same time.

“You diluted my drink,” He said slowly, turning to look at Jooheon in accusation.

“I don’t know what you’re on about brother,” His friend's voice was too casual and immediately Hoseok just _knew_.

“Don’t fucking play dumb Jooheon. You asked the workers to put water in my drinks before I came here like last time didn’t you?”

“Hoseok-”

“Don’t lie to me. You know how I feel about lying, I ain’t gonna sit here and listen to lies,”

The second he narrowed his eyes and spat the words Jooheon seemed to sigh in defeat. “Look, I... I can't just watch you drink yourself to death, okay? I have to do something,”

“Is your definition of something treating me like a fucking baby?” The bitter tone crept back into his words as he spoke them. He hated this, all of this. Why couldn't Jooheon just trust him? He hated being treated like he couldn't take care of himself, and even just _thinking_ of the fact his friend was trying to save him from himself was so fucking patronizing he didn't know how to react to the overwhelming anger that arose from it.

“I’m not treating you like a baby,” Jooheon said calmly, the other boy's tone of voice completely contrasting his own. “I’m treating you like a friend brother,”

“Don’t call me brother,” Hoseok snapped. He couldn't tell if it was the alcohol causing his anger or if he was pissed off that after all these years his friend still didn't trust him enough to let him fucking drink.

“Hoseok-”

“Don’t say my name either,” He said roughly. “I’m not a child. I don’t need your pity,”

“You have a problem,” Jooheon set his glass carefully on the countertop as his gaze hardened. The sight sent an uncomfortable prickle down Hoseok's spine and his jaw grew tense.

“So what if I have a problem?” It was hard to speak through such gritted teeth. “Yeah I have a fucking problem, but you don’t need to try and help me every stupid opportunity you get,”

“You need help,” Jooheon said softly. Over the rowdy bar he had to lean in across the gap to speak and his closeness made Hoseok tighten his grip on the glass he still held on the table. He hated the concerned look in his friend's eyes, he hated the pity with every fibre of his being. Why couldn't Jooheon just fucking leave him alone? “I’ve looked it up, there's places you can go for addictions-”

“Why don’t you tell that to your little Druggie friend then, eh? If you’re so fucking concerned about my problem why aren’t you doing anything about his?”

“That’s different, Son’s helping and he doesn’t listen to me, and I-“ Jooheon cut himself off and seemed to refocus himself on the topic. If Hoseok had been paying any more attention he perhaps would have taken note of how hard Jooheon was trying to stay calm through his clenched fists and grit teeth but he didn’t care. “Look, you’re my brother-”

“And you’re treating me like a fucking baby!”

That's when Jooheon snapped, throwing his hand into the air as he raised his voice in frustration. “You’re an alcoholic, Hoseok! Of course I’m gonna treat you like a fucking baby when you can’t take care of yourself!”

Hoseok sat very still.

In that instant it seemed the bar went deathly silent. The music faded into the background, the conversations around them ceased, and there was this strange ringing in Hoseok's ears that would have been calming if it didn't make every single muscle in his body pull taut with anger.

“What did you just call me?” He asked, voice low and quiet and scarily calm in the loud bar.

“An alcoholic,” Jooheon said pointedly. He didn't take his gaze away from Hoseok's as anger boiled low and hot and deadly quiet in his veins.

“Don’t fucking call me that,” He spoke with venom, and he supposed the harshness of his tone should have surprised him but all he could feel was _anger_. It was hot like liquor, bubbling under his skin, radiating out through the tenseness of his muscles and curl of his lip.

“You’re an alcoholic,”

Hoseok pushed himself away from the counter with a clatter of his stool and swung around to stare at his friend. He was vaguely away of the empty glass clutched between his hands and the sudden quietness of the bar around him but all he was focused on was Jooheon looking up at him with narrowed eyes. 

“Don’t. Fucking. _Call_ me that,” His tone was obviously a warning but Jooheon seemed unphased.

“I’m not scared of you Hoseok,” His friend slowly pushed himself up from the stool he was sat on until he was eye level with the older boy. His body looked guarded, and he held up both hands in some kind of cautionary gesture as Hoseok’s heart pounded like drums in his chest. “I know it’s ‘cos he left you, and I tread footsteps round his fucking name ‘cos you’re still so fucking sad-”

“Don’t you dare Jooheon-”

“But I’m sick and tired of pretending he doesn’t exist!” His friend shouted over the music and it was enough to momentarily shock Hoseok into silence. “You know Hoseok, when I ask you what happened to change you I know he fucking left, you don’t have to explain that shit to me,” Jooheon prodded him in the chest with an accusatory finger and his tone was calm but surprisingly bitter. “I’m asking _why_ he left. You haven't said shit to anyone since he disappeared-”

“Jooheon,” The anger lapping at his mind briefly lulled as he let out an exasperated sigh. He could forgive his brother for what he'd said later, they were in a bar and he was in no mood for a fight, especially not on this topic. Even the implication of what he was talking about was enough to cause this overwhelming wave of sadness to rear its ugly head in the back of his mind and he was in no place to deal with it.

However, Jooheon was apparently not letting this one go, and he even took a step towards Hoseok so his angry words were spat right into his face. “He was my fucking friend too. All four of us, we were a team. Why would he leave me too? Why, Hoseok? What the fuck did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything!” Hoseok hissed, the anger making a quick return. “It was him, it was all him!”

“Would he be proud of you right now?” His friend jibed. “Shin Hoseok, twenty fucking four years old and an alcoholic?”

Hoseok had forgotten just how bitter Jooheon could be when he tried. He loved his friend, really, he did, but sometimes the twisted words that fell from his mouth were a little too mean for anybody’s liking. Hoseok hated lies, but Jooheon was too honest.

“I’m not that _fucking_ word,” Hoseok pushed his friend's chest with flat palms until he was forced to stumble backwards, back hitting the stool behind him. People were starting to stare now and in his peripheral vision Hoseok was vaguely aware of a bartender looking at them in surprise and yet all he could feel was the alcohol in his veins and all he could see was Jooheon, stood in front of him with his eyes narrowed and teeth grit in anger.

“I’m going to say his name,” Jooheon said quietly and those low words were enough to make Hoseok freeze. This was too much. He couldn't think, Jooheon wouldn't dare go there.

“Don’t you _dare_ ,” Hoseok said through a locked jaw and clenched fists, suddenly aware of the smooth glass still clutched in his left hand as he stared daggers at his friend. “I’m fucking pissed off right now Jooheon, and I love you ‘cos you’re my brother but I don’t know if I can stop myself from punching your stupid face-”

“I’m going to say it, Hoseok,” His friend's voice was a barely concealed threat. “You need to fucking face it, cos I love you too and I can’t stand to see you like this anymore-”

“I don’t need to face anything,” He was vaguely aware of the glass still grasped within his left hand and he gripped it tighter as he leaned over Jooheon. “What I _need_ is for you to stop treating me like a child,”

When Hoseok started to breathe heavily and his stare stayed unwavering from his friends face, he watched the subtle change of expression as Jooheon realised that Hoseok wasn’t about to unclench his fists, step away in seething anger and run out of the bar. Instead he responded to his aggression by squaring out his own shoulders and tilting his head to the side with narrow eyes.

“You’re so fucking selfish, Hoseok,” His friend's voice was almost a sneer, which was so unlike Jooheon it was almost funny. Hoseok hadn't seen Jooheon this angry since before they'd left what they'd both been a part of and some small lucid part of his mind was left to wonder how long he'd been concealing this rage to have it spill out so hurtfully like this. “This isn’t just about you okay? This isn’t just about you! I've been sat here for the good part of a fucking year as you mope around and drink and smoke and fucking _ignore_ the fact that he left you like all four of us are still fucking sixteen. We're not sixteen anymore and I’m going to say his fucking name so you have to fucking face it. Are you ready brother? Are you ready to hear it?”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Hoseok pleaded, the crack in his voice obvious and immediately showing his vulnerability. 

He didn't know what he'd do if he heard the name. It had been almost a year, a year of drinking and forgetting and ignoring, a year of going out with Jooheon three times a week and staying indoors to smoke the other four days and collecting ash and dust on cheap furniture in his shitty Seoul apartment.

If Jooheon said the name what had happened would be _real_. He wouldn't just reopen the wound, he'd pour lemon juice into the cut and rub salt on there too.

And he could leave, right now, turn on his heel and storm out the bar without looking back but there was this horrible amalgamation of fear and anger and dread that kept him rooted to the spot as he stared at his best friend. It wasn’t the first time they had fought and it wouldn’t be the last, they’d seen some shit together and definitely had arguments, but this was different. Hoseok wasn’t asking Jooheon to follow his request, he was pleading, and despite his intimidating glare and tensed body they both knew he was the vulnerable one.

The glass was cold against his fingertips and his jaw set the moment Jooheon opened his mouth. He knew what was going to happen. He knew he was going to say the name, and the anger bubbling just underneath his skin was more than hot enough to drown out any kind of rational thought that would keep his body calm and arms by his side.

Jooheon said the name.

Hoseok clenched his fists - the sound of cracking glass loud in the bar - and when he raised his fist after a second of silence everybody turned to stare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the dim light of roadside at dusk, Changkyun’s phone screen glowed like a matchbox of blue pixels as he stared with dry eyes at the bright colour.

He thumbed the call button gently and the metallic dial tone rang out across the empty street, bouncing off the orange-tinged concrete buildings and scuttling along the quiet road. This area of Mapo-Gu was so obsolete on a cold Friday evening that he’d only seen a few passers-by trundle along the path, hoods thrown haphazardly over messy teenage hair and hands shoved deep into pockets. It was creeping ever closer to night time and so whenever Changkyun lifted his head to scan his industrial surroundings the sky grew darker and the sun slipped further out of reach. 

Changkyun was glued to the bright light of his phone in the hazy atmosphere of dusk, even with a smouldering cigarette neglected in one hand and a grey city-dwelling bird staring at him from across the street. Recently he’d taken to sitting at the edge of the concrete pathway while smoking. It was easier to lean casually against his legs as he hunched over the illumination of his screen, listening to the faint dial sound above the calm industrial breeze and taking a well needed drag between calls. Every time he breathed out smoke it mingled with the condensation of the air in a cloud of mist and vapour that dissipated into the almost-night around him. The warmth in his chest wasn’t enough to stop the biting cold of the December air from prickling his skin, however, and while Changkyun was never one to be bothered by the cold he couldn’t help pulling his jacket tighter around his body in an attempt to conserve some heat. Since he’d taken to wearing short sleeves not that long ago he’d begun to bring a jacket with him everywhere; the hems were harder to destroy. 

It was the phone clicking in his hand that brought him back to reality and with the tiny metal sound he exhaled a soft sigh into the icy air. 

Hyungwon hadn’t picked up.

He wasn’t answering and he hadn’t been since the previous week when he'd been on the verge of confessing something and after had barely been able to look him in the eyes. They hadn't even seen each other on Christmas, and they had always seen each other on Christmas. Since the day his best friend had held his hand tightly in the bedroom they’d both grown up in, tears in his eyes and lip quivering with fear, they’d hardly spoken a word to each other and with each passing day guilt grew like mould in Changkyun’s chest and threatened to choke him. What the fuck scared Hyungwon so much that he couldn’t event tell Changkyun? He remembered dragging his eyes over his flushed cheeks and glassy eyes and feeling the unease fall like heavy rocks into the pit of his stomach and dig its claws into his chest. He remembered the way his throat had hurt at the thought of speaking, remembered how the words had caught on his tongue as he’d tried to ask what was wrong, remembered how his friend's voice had cracked when he’d said the word ‘broken’.

What had he meant, broken?

Without thinking he allowed himself to gently thumb the green call button blinking at him from the screen yet again even though he knew it was useless. With the darkening sky it was getting harder to strain his eyes against the harsh backlight and he’d soon have to give up calling every five minutes and slip his phone back into his pocket. He was waiting for somebody anyway and he doubted the other person would appreciate him sat on his phone the entire time, but for once in his life Changkyun was early and he figured the only thing left to do on such a cold evening was call his friend again and again until perhaps the guilt subsided just a little and the person he was meeting materialized from the shadows.

At least, he thought that's what would happen until the dial sound of his phone cut off as abruptly as it had begun when somebody picked up the call.

“ _Changkyun?_ ” His friend's voice echoed through the speakers after a few seconds of silence.

The sound surprised him. 

It was deep and warm just like usual, not like honey and not like smoke either; a different kind of nostalgic similar to the comfort of snuggling under crumpled covers in the morning or sipping slightly lukewarm coffee with disgruntled hair and tired eyes. It could have been the cold that made him sniff, but the longing settling deep and uncomfortable in his chest and seeping into his shaking hands was unmistakable.

He’d missed his friend's voice.

“Hyungwon, hey,” He breathed, a smile finding its way onto his face as he tapped ash from his cigarette onto the ground.

“ _Why are you calling?_ ” His friend said abruptly and the sound immediately put Changkyun on edge.

There was something off. He could sense it instantly, Hyungwon could never hide anything from him, and the unsettling feeling only caused his tongue to get caught on his words when he spoke. “Oh, uh.. well, actually-”

“ _I’m busy right now, d’you mind if we talk later?_ ”

Changkyun throat dried up.

“..Busy?” He said softly, a little confused and a little worried. Hyungwon was never busy, not unless he was studying or sleeping, and even then he always made time for Changkyun. Always. Even the past week when they’d been so distant with each other and he’d ignored his calls he knew his friend had been doing it on purpose. Hyungwon never did anything without Changkyun unless it was work or college class, why was it different now?

“ _Yeah, busy,_ ” 

“..Oh,” He breathed softly. The cold air blew out in a little cloud around him and he wondered if he focused on the vapour for so long he’d forget how his best friend had cut off any conversation with blunt words and a cold tone. “What are you doing?”

“ _Stuff,_ ” His friend replied curtly. Changkyun knew his friend and the familiar tightness of his voice was reminiscent of when he was uncomfortable as other people flirted with him and Changkyun had to step in - except this time, Changkyun was the problem. It hurt. “ _Why are you calling?_ ”

“Oh, uh, I..” He couldn’t help stumbling over his words. “Actually, I was just.. just checking if you were okay, ‘tis all,"

There was a pause.

“ _You were?_ ”

“Yeah. I was a little worried ‘cos you ain’t been talking much,” If this had been any other moment in time maybe Changkyun would have been more concerned with how alike in accent his dialect was becoming to Hoseok’s. He almost sounded like he spent time on the streets instead of curled up in bed not wanting to breathe and as he dug his nail into the filter paper of the stick he was holding and scratched away the surface he wondered if Hyungwon noticed it too. “You seemed weird with me after Christmas and the whole parents thing must be hurting you so.. so I was just wondering,”

“ _I’m fine,_ ”

Changkyun gnawed on his bottom lip. The skin caught between his teeth and pulled enough to hurt. The pain kept him grounded, drew his attention away from the unbearable guilt that was clawing at his insides and the worry shaking his fingers. “You sure Wonnie?”

“ _I’m fine Changkyun,_ ”

The lack of a nickname stung. It stung like Changkyun had never felt before, because never in their long friendship had Hyungwon been so curt as to leave out his nickname so obviously, so on purpose.

He felt like crying. He felt guilty, and he didn’t really know why, but Hyungwon’s silence and obvious frigid nature was enough to prickle his eyes uncomfortably and make his throat ache as he swallowed.

“Yeah, uh, you said that already,” He said quietly, words catching on his tongue. “I, um, hope your whatever you're doing goes well I guess,”

“ _Yeah, I guess,_ ”

There was a pause. 

Changkyun found himself letting his cigarette droop as the end grew heavy with ash and he didn’t take another drag. With the fingers not holding the stick he began to fiddle with the yellow lighter pressed against his palm, running his skin along the smooth plastic and scratching his nails along the ridges of the metal. It was comforting in the awkward silence.

“ _Your mum called earlier,_ ” Hyungwon said after a moment, voice unsure and drastically different from just moments before, and while Changkyun supposed the change should have eased his worries it only added to them. “ _I.. I told her you were with me. Like usual,_ ”

Changkyun was struck by the fact that, even after acting so cold and disinterested, his best friend still lied for him.

For him. Not because he’d asked, or told him about some party or explained it was because of Hoseok. No, Hyungwon had lied for him without any of that and Changkyun was left with the overwhelming feeling that he didn't deserve it. Not one bit. He couldn't remember the last time he'd really done anything for his friend, besides from turn up to school every day and borrow his shoes.

He wished he could hold his hand to show how much he cared. How much he was strangely sorry.

“Thank you,” He said softly, words choked and forced. It was hard to talk when it felt like the fire he had inhaled into his lungs was burning his throat and trying to force its way out his mouth with all the emotion he was feeling. He hated it.

“ _Are you with Hoseok?_ ” 

Changkyun frowned and shook his head even though he knew he couldn’t see him. “No,”

“ _Really?_ ” Hyungwon asked in quiet disbelief. Even through the sound of his voice Changkyun could imagine his wide eyes and parted lips and slight frown of his eyebrows. He knew his best friends face better than anything, and the thought made his chest ache. “ _You’re not?_ ” 

“No, I’m alone. No Hot Bikers for me today,” Changkyun gave a small smile as he let the lighter in his hand fall into his lap and tapped the stick with his finger without taking a drag. “You sure you’re okay? With me? What about your parents, are they okay? I’m sorry I didn’t know sooner, I feel bad ‘cos I’m your best friend and-”

“ _Changkyun?_ ” Hyungwon interrupted, and his voice sounded exasperated even though the tinny speakers of the phone. “ _Please. Don’t,_ ”

“Don’t what?”

“ _Do that. The whole caring thing. It’s hard enough already when you're a bad friend, if you start being nice to me again I won’t be able to cope,_ ”

“Have I really been that bad of a friend?” He said quietly. It was almost a mumble. His fingers were strangely numb and the cold winters air was starting to bleed into his lungs from where he hadn't taken a drag for so long.

“ _I have to go,_ ” His friend said curtly and that in itself was an answer.

It was as if somebody were pushing on his chest, pressing on his lungs, wrapping fingers around his throat and choking him so he couldn't breathe with all the emotion.

“Hyungwon-”

“ _I’m busy. I’ll talk later,_ ”

The silence was brief but it felt like an aeon to Changkyun.

“Okay. Okay, yeah, sounds good,” He mumbled, voice a little hoarse as his nail scratched the lighter in his hand. “I love you Wonnie,”

The silence that dragged out was unbearable. Changkyun wouldn't be able to cope if his friend didn't say it back, he really wouldn't, because that was one constant in his life he couldn't sacrifice.

“ _Love you too Kyunie,_ ”

Hyungwon hung up.

When he lowered the phone from where it was pressed against his ear the screen glowed in the almost-night and the contact icon hovered above the call log. It was a photo of them when they were sixteen, when Hyungwon had stolen his phone and taken selfies with Changkyun asleep at his desk in the background, hair disgruntled and mouth parted with a messy layer of paper beneath him.

He missed his friend. He was used to the slight taint of guilt that haunted him from occasion but not this; this overwhelming feeling of _oh God he's fucked up_ and he didn't know how to fix it.

Changkyun didn't like that feeling and he kind of wanted it to stop because all these things just meant he felt bad and he'd rather feel nothing at all then this kind of guilt.

With a sigh he shoved his phone back into his pocket and it was only then he realised his cigarette had burnt all the way to the beige of the filter paper.

That wouldn't do.

The itch to take a drag was already scratching at his mind and so he thumbed his last stick from the final packet and lit it with his lighter, the slightly translucent yellow plastic glimmering in the streetlamps as the sun set.

The action brought him back to what he was really doing by the side of the road and, while he smoked his last cigarette and tried to bury the guilt of his best friend under the smoke, he let his mind drift to other places instead. The conversation with Hyungwon had left his hand shaking and the urge to pick at his skin was overwhelming and so he was quick to latch onto his wondering thoughts and try to forget it had happened at all.

Why Minhyuk had asked to meet him at such a strange place was beyond him. He hadn’t given an apartment number, merely the address, and so he was left on the outskirts of Mapo-Gu wondering what was in store for him and having passed the time being concerned about his best friend. He was only a ten-minute walk from Hoseok’s apartment, still in the industrialised, apartment ridden area of downtown Seoul and the street he was sat on was surrounded by a multitude of high-rise buildings and dull grey concrete lit only by the strange orange glow of streetlamps and the ebbing blue of the horizon. It was getting darker outside and it would be night soon, the tops of the buildings barely distinguishable from the sky above it.

The bird across the road watched him with beady eyes as he breathed through the stick of the cigarette and tasted the familiar chemicals, cricked it’s neck to the side and preened at his features in a way that made Changkyun almost feel guilty. Almost.

He didn’t pay much attention to the van that passed by in front of him along the empty road. He didn't pay much attention to the gentle hum of the engine as it drew to a stop down the road at the street corner, didn't pay attention to the raised voices and slamming door and rev of an engine as wheels ground on concrete. His mind was still reeling from his conversation with Hyungwon, mulling over his best friends cold tone and wondering what he could do to make him feel better.

He did, however, pay attention to the familiar voice that called his name and made him jerk his head up in surprise.

“Hey Cutie, catch!”

Changkyun barely had time to react – throwing out his hands and letting out a sound at the impact – before his eyes caught sight of what it was. A packet of cigarettes.

He looked up at the origin of the voice with a frown and wasn’t surprised to see Minhyuk stood a few meters away, the vans humming behind him fading into the cityscape and a somewhat sly grin on his face.

In his surprise he failed to focus on the task at hand, instead realising that the sky had darkened to an ink black and the orange streetlamps were the only light available.

Night had fallen.

He managed to choke out a strangled “Thanks,” as he gripped the cardboard box tightly between his cold fingers, but his response was somewhat delayed as he took in Minhyuk’s demeanour. Once again he looked to be dressed for some sort of club and upon running his eyes over the tight jeans, fitted boots and top slashed with lace down each side Changkyun was left to wonder how he hadn’t caught a cold yet from always being so revealing. The pale skin of the sides of his small torso were visible through the top, the loose bangles on his wrist glittering in the yellow light of the streetlamps and his thin metal choker was so delicate it looked like it would break if he swallowed.

But what shocked Changkyun once again was his makeup. A dramatic smoky eye that shimmered in the streetlamps, strikingly black eyeliner, a lack of contour on his already hollowed cheeks. His eyes were a startling blue from what he supposed was contacts and there were sticky gems at the corner of each eye that glinted as he moved.

The bandage around his arm was blue this time. It matched eyes.

“Done staring cutie?” Minhyuk raised an eyebrow and shifted his weight onto one leg. With the movement the delicate sides of his top fluttered a little in the small breeze and his voice was smooth like honey. “I missed your little face,”

“How are you not cold?” Changkyun asked in greeting. He didn't think Minhyuk would mind his blunt nature since he was so harsh with words himself. “It's like, fucking freezing out here,”

“If you pretend you aren’t cold, then you aren't,” Minhyuk said simply. To Changkyun's surprise he lowered himself down onto the edge of the pathway next to where he was sat, stretching his feet out into the empty road and folding his hands delicately on his lap.

Something about what he said struck a chord in Changkyun that he couldn't quite pinpoint. It sounded like something Hoseok would say.

“Are you okay?” He asked when Minhyuk didn't continue the conversation. Something was off in the way he stared at the little grooves in the concrete road, lost in thought instead of acting so normally brash.

“Mm?” Minhyuk lifted his head to meet Changkyun's concerned gaze and his contacts caught the light unnervingly. They were slightly too realistic and the contrast they held with his dark hair and smoky makeup was unsettling to say the least. “What d'you mean cutie?”

“You're seem.. off,” Changkyun explained, picking at the lighter still held in the hand that wasn't gripping the cigarette without thinking.

“Mm. I suppose,”

There it was again, those elegant words that contrasted everything else present in his demeanour. The revealing clothes and provocative movements were distinctly different to the formation of his sentences, the finishing of his vowels and pout of his mouth. It was subtle which would explain how Changkyun was only just noticing it but it was definitely there and it was unquestionably strange.

After a few seconds of awkward silence and Changkyun wondering what Minhyuk wanted he noticed the way the dark-haired boy's gaze lingered on the smouldering cigarette in his hand. Was he waiting for him to finish smoking before they headed inside? Where even was inside? Why had Minhyuk asked him here?

“Want some?” He asked and gestured with the hand holding the stick. If he hadn't been so enthralled by the subtle shimmer of his smoky eye he might have missed the slight caution in his eyes, but as it was Changkyun just felt confusion bite at his mind as he realised Minhyuk was cautious not of him, but of the cigarette.

“No thanks,” He said nonchalantly but his tone was obviously tight. Changkyun chose to ignore it, smearing the butt into the concrete to stub it out without a second thought. Minhyuk had given him more so there was no need to vaguely try and preserve them like he had been doing before.

“Why are we meeting here? Didn't you say.. I dunno, something about helping you? With something?”

“Mmm, I did cutie. Originally, well, I was gonna get you to come down with me to storage and help move shit but-” All of a sudden Minhyuk grabbed his arm and the action made him jump. Even through the soft fabric of his jumper his fingers pressed too hard into his skin as he refused to meet his gaze. “But. I decided that perhaps I would be kind to you,”

“Kind to me?” Changkyun swallowed thickly, his stomach lurching with anxiety as he watched the other boy roll up his sleeve. The air was cold against his bare skin and raised little goosebumps all across his forearm but all he could think of in the moment was maybe this hadn't been such a good idea after all.

“Yes. Don't take it for advantage, I'm very rarely kind,” Minhyuk said and he seemed to be lost in thought, dancing thin fingers along his now exposed skin as his brows pulled together. As he moved the bangles on his wrist gave a metallic tingle when they clashed against each other, the only other sound in the quiet night.

Uneasy from the strange action Changkyun pulled his arm back slowly and rolled down the sleeve with fumbling fingers. “What are we doing?”

“Do I make you uncomfortable Changkyun?” Minhyuk said absentmindedly as he moved his own fingers to begin drumming them on his thigh, the chiming of his bracelets following his movement. He was looking around at the dark street like he was waiting for somebody, or looking for them.

“Yes,”

“But you asked to hang out with me?”

“..yes?” He frowned. He supposed it was a little absurd, asking to spend time with somebody who almost scared him sometimes, but his curiosity refused to stop its pining.

He was innately curious. It wasn't good for him but he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

“Mm. You are interesting cutie, really, totally fucking fascinating,” Minhyuk pulled in tighter around body, wrapping his svelte arms around his torso and threading his fingers through the scarce lace either side. “Anyway. My Hideaway is in the building behind us so we can hole ourselves up in there for a little bit,”

“Your.. Hideaway?” He frowned.

“Mhmm,”

“Do you enjoy being so fucking cryptic all the time?” Changkyun asked, the frustration obvious in his voice. He wanted to know what he was doing, was curious about his evening, and yet Minhyuk was throwing around strange words like he didn't want anybody to know.

Minhyuk laughed a genuine laugh and the sound was startlingly loud in the quiet street as he finally turned to look at him. “Woah, cutie got some attitude now. Hoseok's really been rubbing off on you,” An amused smile crept up onto his face and it eased Changkyun’s worries immediately. Minhyuk was just tired, that was all, and they could hang out that evening and maybe Changkyun could finally ask the questions that had been burning his throat for such a long time. “Yes, my Hideaway. Where I go when I kinda wanna forget everything else. We can go through paperwork I guess, I've got so much to do and I can always count on a little helping hand, hmm?”

“Do you usually take people to your Hideaway?” Changkyun asked curiously.

“No, never,” Minhyuk sighed but the sound wasn't sincere. “Not even Jooheon. But I like you cutie, dunno why, and I'm in a bit of a bad mood today and your innocent little eyes just make me wanna.. fuck, wanna just-” A cold hand reached out and pinched at his cheeks. It took Changkyun a few seconds to realise it was Minhyuk's nails digging into his soft skin as the strong smell of perfume wafted his way and the other boy cocked his head to the side with narrowed eyes. “You know?”

He only squeezed his cheek for a second before his hand was roughly snatched away and his gaze flitted out into the street again.

“That hurt,” Changkyun said quietly as he rubbed at his face with his palm.

“I'm not sorry,” Minhyuk spoke bluntly as he pushed himself up off the side of the road, dusted down his slightly too big skinny jeans and then held out a hand.

Changkyun hesitated. It was obvious the other boy was offering his hand out for him to pull him up, and not only was that illogical considering his scarily thin appearance but the younger boy was starting to think maybe this hadn't been the best idea. He felt like he was in danger, alarm bells ringing in the back of his mind and instincts telling him to get the fuck out of there and ignore Minhyuk for good.

As he stared at the outstretched hand, Minhyuk's lips quirked a little and he tilted his head to the side, a familiar mischievous glint in his eye.

Changkyun took his hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The second he stepped inside Minhyuk's Hideaway he was hit by the smell of perfume. It was an overwhelmingly floral scent, the strong fumes of flower and spice and underlying tones of specifically rose were poignant and while it should have been too much it was surprisingly pleasant. The mingling scents were just enough to almost make Changkyun's head swim but in a delightfully dizzy way instead of being overpowering. 

However, that wasn't what confused him the most, for it seemed to Changkyun from where he was stood in the doorway that - besides from a low-lying table in the middle of the apartment piled high with paper and the few pillows strewn around it - the flat was completely devoid of furniture.

There were moving boxes tucked in one corner and the built-in kitchenette held a white marble counter among other things but any signs of habitation stopped there. The big expanse of room was very white, very clean and very empty. There was a large window directly adjacent where Changkyun stood in the doorway that looked out over the night skyline of Seoul in a view that can't have been cheap, and the white ceiling, polished wooden beige floor and bare walls showed no sign of life. To the left of the window was an opening into a spacious corridor and Changkyun assumed it led to the rest of the apartment, and as he surveyed the room he realised the lights washed out the entire space and made it look a lot more empty than it should.

The younger boy was still processing the bizarre emptiness of the apartment and yet as soon as the door closed behind them with an echoing click Minhyuk immediately began busying himself, sauntering over to the cupboards and running his hand along the counter as he did so.

Changkyun couldn’t help casting a furtive glance around at the room from where he stood in the doorway. He felt very obvious, like he was carrying his own guilt in physical form, and even though there was nothing to really feel bad about because of Minhyuk's entire demeanour he felt very out of place and the new atmosphere certainly didn't help. If he'd been outside at the edge of the road, worrying over his best friend as night fell, he might have felt a little safer but a lot sadder. Being there on the nineteenth floor of an apartment building alone with Minhyuk was both fear inducing and excitement building - two emotions he was beginning to love.

That was probably why something about the situation – the fear, the guilt, the secrecy maybe - that gave him a rush he didn’t want to let go of. Nobody knew he was at Minhyuk's. Not Hoseok or Hyungwon or even his mum. Nobody knew and he could do whatever he wanted.

“C'mon in cutie, I don't bite!” Minhyuk flashed him a toothy smile from where he was rooting around in the kitchen cupboards. “I'm not that scary, hmm? Feel free to take off your shoes,”

“Do you live here?” Changkyun asked curiously as he slipped out of Hoseok's shoes. His socks were slippery on the polished wooden floor and he placed the boots by the white door.

“Live here? Oh sweetie, no, this is like.. my home away from home, you know? It’s about the size of my bedroom over in Gangnam-Gu,” Minhyuk giggled, hiccupped, and then closed the cupboard with a loud bang. It seemed that since returning to his apartment he was significantly more extroverted, the warm atmosphere and apparent familiarity probably allowing him to be more open than he was sat outside just a minute ago. “I live in a terribly fancy apartment you see, and this is fucking pitiful but.. but there's nothing wrong with a bit of pity from time to time hmm?”

Changkyun glanced at the blanket surrounding the small table in the middle of the otherwise empty, postmodern room. There was a glass of water on it, along with a daunting stack of paper and a few metal objects Changkyun couldn't quite identify. “Do you live alone? In your other apartment, I mean,”

“No sweetie, course not,” The other boy trailed his hands along the kitchen counter as he moved all the way across the apartment towards the boxes in the corner, his bangles tinkling as he moved.

“Oh,” Changkyun felt his brow knit together as he watched the lace of his top sway with his walk. “Who do you live with?”

“My boyfriend,” Minhyuk said simply, throwing open the top of the box and peering into it. From where Changkyun was stood in the doorway he couldn't see the contents and he was sort of glad.

“You live with Jooheon?”

“No,” Minhyuk frowned, flicking the box closed with a delicate wrist and letting out a small sigh of frustration.

“But-”

“Changkyun!” Minhyuk raised his voice, throwing up his hands and splaying his fingers as he did so. “Please, stop asking questions. You're like a little kid on a field trip, I can see why Hoseok calls you a kid, fucking hell,”

Changkyun felt his eyes widen and he dropped his shoulders under the weight of Minhyuk's voice. “I'm sorry,” He said quietly, picking at his left sleeve with his fingernail.

“Fuck, don't make me feel guilty cutie,” Minhyuk sighed as he massaged his temples with his thin fingers. “It's okay, you're forgiven. Is it just been a while you know? Cravings through the fucking roof, I'm a little bit irritable,” He gave a light casual laugh but the tone was a little strained.

“I know what that's like,” The younger boy replied softly.

“Yes, well, times whatever you feel by fucking ten and you'll know how much I wanna tear my fucking hair out right now, hmm?” Minhyuk's laugh was strained as he moved onto searching the next box.

“Is it really that bad?” He asked quietly, still stood by the door with his socks pressed into the smooth wooden floor and his fingers twirling around a loose string on his sleeve. The hems of the jacket were harder to destroy but not impossible, and while he was enjoying the sense of danger it didn’t stop him from acting out his nerves through his usual habit and so he decided the best thing to do was to take it off. It was warm in the apartment anyway, and Minhyuk was wearing less than him already.

“No, I’m just making shit up at this point to see your cute little surprised face,” Minhyuk replied sarcastically and the remark shocked the younger boy because never in his small amount of interactions with him had he heard him sound so biting.

After removing his jacket Changkyun was left to wonder where he could put it. There was no couch to drape it over, no hook for him to hang it on, and so after a moment of deliberation he let it fall into a pile next to his shoes. When he left he’d have to remind himself to pick them both up, his bad thoughts were consistently faint nowadays but he was still forgetful when it came to basic things like that.

“Why is it so empty in here?” He asked out of curiosity as he dragged his gaze over the empty apartment once again. It really was strange the vacancy of the place, and it seemed bigger than it should be due to the lack of furniture filling in the blanks.

“Fucking hell cutie-”Minhyuk snapped, before taking a deep breath, plastering a smile on his face and shutting the top of the box he’d been rooting around in with a slow exhale. “It's empty because nobody knows about this place. It's my place. My place. Only me-” Minhyuk paused a little and seemed to realise Changkyun was stood there. “-and now you, you have been here, okay? This has a separate bank account, details, shit like that. I barely get away with scraping enough of my actual earnings to pay rent, can't afford furniture, so this place is empty but I don't care ‘cos I only come here to hide,”

“Who are you hiding from?” Changkyun felt his brow knit together in a frown. What Minhyuk was saying was perplexing to say the least, and he didn’t quite understand what he was talking about.

“Nobody,” Minhyuk said with a tense tone, and then he seemed to relax a little and flash Changkyun a reassuring smile. “Everybody. Myself. All three. Everybody needs to be alone from time to time, hmm? I'm going to go to the bathroom cutie, I'll be back in a minute. Feel free to not touch anything,”

And then all of a sudden Minhyuk was gone, his scarily small frame disappearing around the corner of the corridor and leaving Changkyun stood alone in the white apartment, shoes off and jacket discarded on the floor, wondering how his evening had managed to go so different to what he’d expected.

He wasn’t complaining though. The apartment was nice if a little empty and it was warm enough for feeling to return to his numb fingers and stop his nose from running. It smelt like Minhyuk - perfumed, floral - and even though it shouldn't it vaguely reminded him of the lingering taste of tea that had remained on his tongue after the night at Haneuls. 

“Minhyuk?” He called out when the silence stretched on for far too long. He didn’t mind waiting but he was beginning to think perhaps something had happened to the other boy. “Minhyuk? Are you okay?”

“Peachy!” His smooth honey voice sounded distinctly different from before, and all of a sudden he was appearing from around the corridor entrance with a grin on his face and bounce in his feminine step. When he spotted Changkyun still stood awkwardly by the entrance he let out a dramatic gasp and the younger boy was left to wonder how he had so many varying moods. He went from angry to comically surprised in less than five minutes, it was a miracle he wasn’t suffering from whiplash at this point. “Are you still by the door? Oh dear, you’re so _fucking_ polite it pains me. C’mon, c’mon.. sit there, hmm?”

“Minhyuk, I-,”

“Nuh-no, cutie-” Minhyuk clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth in a sound of disapproval before making his way over to where Changkyun was hovering just by the door. His fingers curled around his shoulders and directed him to the pillows placed around the lone coffee table, pushing him down until he was forced to kneel and causing him to wonder how such a tiny body could contain so much strength. “Sit _there_ ,”

“What are we doing?” He asked as he shifted his weight to get comfortable on the cushions, folding his legs across one another and surveying the coffee table in front of him. When Minhyuk pulled back quickly from his shoulders and lowered himself down opposite him he sat so slowly, using delicate hands to take a small sip of water and shift the papers on the table, bangles chiming with the movement.

“Organising, like I said before,” The dark haired boy shuffled the papers for a second before holding up a thin sheet for display. “See these documents here, the little dots in the corner? We're gonna put the reds in one pile and greens in the other. Think you can do that for me cutie?”

Changkyun wasn't listening. Instead his eyes were trained on the movement of Minhyuk’s pale arm, the flutter of his loose sleeve around the skin and the bandage wrapped around it.

It was white.

“You changed your bandage,” He said softly, eyes widening as he took in the folds of the fabric. It was textured, overlapping in a way that was neat and yet seemingly rushed, but the only thing he could think of was that it no longer matched his eyes.

“What?” Minhyuk looked up in surprise. 

“Your.. your bandage. It was blue, now it's white,”

The silence after he spoke dragged on just a little too long for the younger boy's liking, the lack of noise in the stiflingly quiet apartment causing anxiety to settle in his lungs and the realisation that maybe he should learn when to keep his mouth shut.

“Yes, I did,” Minhyuk said slowly, avoiding his as he shuffled papers without looking at them. “But let me repeat. You think you can do that for me cutie?”

“Uh...” The words caught in Changkyuns throat at the tension, and it was only when he swallowed thickly and dragged his eyes back down to the papers in front of him did he manage to speak again. “Yeah. Yeah, sure Minhyuk, I can do that.. uh, red's in one pile, greens in the other, right?”

“Right,” The older boy glared at him until he bowed his head under the stare, taking a hold of some of the papers and neatening the stack with a few shaky taps on the coffee table. Minhyuk stared at him for just a second longer before he too began to shuffle the sheets of paper.

They sat in silence as they went through the documents. It seemed what Changkyun had said had caused a change in atmosphere, and obvious waves of hostility radiated from the thin frame opposite him as his unfocused eyes scanned the coloured corner of each page and put them in either of the two piles. In his distracted mind he couldn't help run his eyes over the contents of the documents in his hand, but they were mostly obscure numbers and strange tables, the occasional name jumping out at him but nothing to solidify any kind of suspicion. The feeling of danger wasn't fully removed however, and he couldn't help the sneaking feeling that perhaps what he was doing wasn’t entirely a good thing.

But Minhyuk had said he was helping right? And he figured it can’t be that bad if they were just lying around in this strangely empty apartment. The bright lights cast strange shadows on the wooden floor and table, the window exposed to the inky black of night and neon streetlights that littered the industrial area of Seoul. As he thumbed through the stack and let each paper flutter onto its respective pile based on the colours he couldn’t help occasionally flicking up his eyes to watch Minhyuk as he did the same thing, taking in his straight posture, gems glittering at the corners of his eyes and teeth chewing on his lip in a way that could only be described as seductive.

And Changkyun didn’t think he’d ever be one for the feminine type. In all his years of knowing he liked boys, from the time he had a crush on that gymnast at school to his brief infatuation with Jung Minyan, he’d always liked muscular men. Big and strong and warm, and he figured it probably had something to do with him wanting to feel safe in somebody else's arms because he never quite felt safe in his own head.

But staring at Minhyuk across the table, with his elegant hands and lidded eyes and thin metal choker, he couldn’t help but think of just how fascinated he was by him. His jawline was prominent, top lip a little longer than bottom, the dip in neck enticing and yet the shadows of his muscles a little too dark to be healthy.

“Are you attracted to me Changkyun?” 

His hand froze shoving one of the papers into the folder at the sound of his smooth voice.

“Hmm?” He kept his eyes trained on the paper in front of him, attempting to be calm but feeling his heart start beating faster in his chest.

“You keep looking at me,” Minhyuk spoke firmly. When Changkyun reluctantly dragged his eyes away from the papers in front of him he was met face with a pair of blue contacts staring back at him. They were unsettling ringed in black kohl but the blank expression on the face they belonged to was even scarier. “Do you find me attractive?”

“I.. guess?” He replied slowly, tone both wary and unsure.

“Why?” Minhyuk cocked his head to the side and as he moved the gems at the corner of his smoky eye caught the light of the apartment, the subtle shimmer on his eyelids momentarily leaving him speechless.

“I.. dunno? You’re not really my type, but-” Changkyun could hardly speak the words with Minhyuk looking at him so intensely. “You speak kinda.. kinda posh? And the way you move, it’s sorta feminine and.. and feline and it kinda just intrigues me,”

There was a pause.

“Do you wanna fuck me?” Minhyuk asked simply, his face remaining blank as he threw out the question.

“What?” Changkyun said in disbelief. Shock was obvious in his blurting tone because why on earth was Minhyuk asking that? 

“You do, don’t you?” Minhyuk narrowed his eyes just a fraction and his gaze hardened.

“No, I-”

“I didn’t think you were like that but I can see it now. Don’t you just wanna thread your fingers through my hair and fuck me in some back alley?” The way he spoke the words was scarily calm, monotone and with no deviation, and they fit his impassive face perfectly. Changyun didn’t know what to say so he chose to remain mute.

“You’d pin me down, right? Take my little wrists in your hands and grip them tight just like this?” Minhyuk said quietly, and Changkyun was so shocked it took him a second to realise there were sharp nails digging into his soft skin, bony fingers wrapped around his wrist and pulling him forward across the coffee table until they were face to face.

“.. wuh-what?” He stammered, and for the first time that evening Changkyun was genuinely scared, not just fleeting bits of anxiety scratching at his stomach but a feeling of shockingly cold ice being poured down his spine as he stared at the blue eyes in front of him in fear. He could so easily pull away from the nails digging into his skin like claws but Minhyuk was looking at him so intensely he couldn’t move. 

“I can just see you imagining it, right now,” Even when mad his voice was honey smooth, dripping with allure and yet now tainted with bitterness. Minhyuk narrowed his eyes and Changkyun watched in fear as he bit his lip and dragged his gaze all over his face. “Biting my skin, twisting my hair, leaving little bruises down my spine? Is that what you want, Changkyun?”

“Minhyuk, stop,” He mumbled, tugging back on his wrists for him to let go. He didn’t understand, why was the other boy being so vulgar? Hoseok was never like this. Hoseok was always gentle. “Please, stop-”

“I bet you do,” Minhyuk spoke over him and it was so forceful Changkyun flinched, his eyes flickering shut to block out Minhyuk's face. “I can see it, that's why you want to hang out with me isn't it? You just want to fucking _ruin_ me,”

After a few seconds of silence, the violent words hanging in the air, he slowly peeled open his eyelids to find the other boy staring at him intensely, a sharp glint in his narrowed eyes and fingernails still digging grooves into his skin across the coffee table.

His blood ran cold when, all of a sudden, he realised just how Minhyuk was looking at him.

It wasn’t excitement, or arrogance or anger, it was fear. Minhyuk was _scared_. 

Why would Minhyuk be scared?

Changkyun could hardly breathe. His heart was beating out of his chest and his throat was closing up and so he shook his head quickly in response, too terrified of the situation at hand to spend much time dwelling on the fear he’d seen in the other boy’s eyes.

“No,” He could barely choke out the word.

Minhyuk narrowed his eyes. “You’re lying to me Changkyun,”

“I’m not,” He stuttered and shook his head again. While he spoke he tried to pull back his wrists once again and he was relieved when it seemed the grip on them loosened. “Really, Minhyuk, I’m not. Please believe me, I don’t- don’t wanna do that. To you. To anyone,”

Minhyuk's hands grew slack and he sat back with a frown. He was silent for a few moments, staring at Changkyun with brow furrowed while the younger boy desperately tried to get his breathing under control.

“You don’t?” He frowned at him from across the table, genuine confusion plastered across his face.

“No,” His breath almost caught as he tried to steady his heartbeat.

“Oh,” Minhyuk frowned and his expression grew into an almost childlike perplexity with a mouth slightly parted and an almost vulnerable undertone of disbelief in his smooth voice. “That’s.. strange..”

“Were you expecting me to say yes?” The younger boy asked cautiously and while he was aware he should probably learn when and where to be so curious the fearful look in Minhyuk’s eyes was lingering in the back of his mind and he wanted to know why.

“Everybody says yes,” He replied quietly, distracted with the shuffle of the few documents he had left to sort. There was a strange glaze over his unfocused eyes as the papers in his hand rustled and his bracelets clinked in the otherwise silent apartment. With a nervous bite of his lip Changkyun too picked up the last few sheets left in a little pile across the wooden table but his mind was still reeling and the little red marks on his wrist were burning in a way that, for once in his life, he didn't like all.

“I’m sorry,”

Changkyun jerked his head up with wide eyes when Minhyuk spoke the two words. “What?”

“For that,” His voice was uncharacteristically soft as he motioned with a thin arm in the general direction of the little crescents dug into his skin and the blossom of red around them. "I’m sorry,”

“Uh, it’s okay, I didn’t.. well, you didn’t hurt me that much,” Changkyun mumbled, overwhelmed with the sudden change in atmosphere once again and feeling very young with his wrists burning. “I think.. I think I might go soon, though. I need to get back,”

Changkyun didn’t know where he was getting back to, but preferably someplace warm and safe and not in the presence of somebody as erratic as Minhyuk. This had been a bad idea. Just because he was fascinated by the other boy didn't mean he should go out of his way to stay with him.

“No,” Minhyuk said quietly.

Changkyun’s stomach lurched. “No?”

“You're not leaving,” He reiterated, but as Changkyun watched him move he couldn't help but notice the slight shake of his hand as he supposedly shuffled the papers yet again. “You owe me, remember cutie? I even bought you more cigarettes,”

“But-”

“No. C’mon, don’t make me feel bad hmm?” Minhyuk took a deep breath and lifted his gaze up to give him a tired smile so different to his usually sultry ones. “I like spending time with you. You’re nice to me. Not many people are nice to me, and so I would really fucking prefer if you stayed right where you are and keep being nice to me. Can you do that for me cutie? In exchange for cigarettes you can be nice to me?”

“Um.. I don’t know, I-” Unable to process what he was saying the younger boy simply stammered out a barely coherent answer in response. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go back to Hoseok's shitty dim apartment because the white lights of this one were hurting his eyes and the gems around Minhyuk's eyes were glaring at him from across the low coffee table.

“Please?” He continued softly, flitting his eyes up to meet Changkyun's confused gaze. “I won’t.. I know I’m scary sometimes, but really, it’s just me being honest. If you’re nice to me I’ll buy you all the cigarettes in the world, promise,” 

For some strange reason Changkyun was suddenly struck by pity. Was Minhyuk really only asking him to be nice to him? It seemed so out of character and yet here he was, offering packets of nicotine just so Changkyun would stay in his apartment and.. be nice to him?

He didn't think the elegant boy who wore lace tops and elegant chokers and makeup so sultry it could wilt roses with one glare would ever ask for something so mundane. He just wanted Changkyun to be nice to him.

Once again he was caught between his instinct telling him to leave and his mind compelling him to stay, and yet both of those sides faded into obscurity as he realised leaving would make him a bad person, right? It was only an hour ago that Hyungwon had told him he was a bad friend, and while he didn't know to make it up to him in the meantime it couldn't hurt to maybe help somebody else. A step in the right direction.

Plus, the offer of free cigarettes was too tempting to refuse.

“You promise?” He asked cautiously, reminding himself that what he was doing wasn't giving in but being a good person.

“Of course cutie,” Minhyuk's lips pulled into a somewhat genuine smile. “I promise,”

“Okay. Okay, then I'll stay with you Minhyuk. I'll be nice to you,” He said softly, watching the other boy cautiously but feeling his shoulders relax at the statement. It felt good, doing something for somebody else, even if the situation was a little strange.

“Thank you Changkyun,” Minhyuk breathed a sigh of relief.

And then, all of a sudden, his momentary lapse of character dissipated into the warm apartment air.

The younger boy watched as he took a deep breath, back straightening up and chest pushing out into a posture that made him taller even sat on the floor. His lips formed a pout, eyes changing from wide and vulnerable to heavy and lidded, and his hands steadied their shaking on the paper.

Changkyun was still having a hard time breathing.

“Are you attracted to dangerous people Changkyun?” Minhyuk immediately refocused his attention on shuffling the documents on the table and pointedly changed the subject. It seemed both of them were drawing to a close with their sorting, but with a frown Changkyun realised his own papers had crumpled clutched in his hand under the stress of what had just occurred. There was still a faint stinging just across the soft skin of his wrists but be ignored it, because he was going to be _nice_.

“I’m.. I’m attracted to danger, I think?” He frowned, letting the final three pieces of paper fall into the pile filled with little green dots stamped in each corner. There was the underlying buzzing sensation of adrenaline lighting up his skin as he tried to forget what had just happened and tried not to process what Minhyuk had said to him.

“Mmm. First Hoseok, now me, I see you have quite a taste for it,” Minhyuk's mouth twisted into a wry smile as he too flicked through the last of his own documents. “How did you two meet? I tried asking Jooheon ‘cos he runs his mouth all over the fucking place but Hoseok won’t tell him how you met,”

“He hasn’t told anybody?” Changkyun folded his hands on the table and surveyed the two differing piles on the table, a wave of nervousness rising up in his chest. For some reason talking about how he'd met Hoseok was perfectly normal between them, but thinking about it in a place that wasn't the safety of his apartment was a little bit guilt inducing to say the least.

“No. Strange, right? Apparently the last time Jooheon asked he went off on some long fucking tangent about respect. You can tell me, you know-” Minhyuk let his hand drift from holding the papers to drag his fingertips over the younger boy's hand, caressing the little divots in his skin his nails had caused just a few seconds ago with a reassuring smile on his face. “Really, it’s okay cutie. I know you don’t trust me but just this once, right? Be nice to me. I like keeping secrets, I wouldn’t dare tell yours,”

“Actually, I-” Changkyun pulled his hands back quickly and placed them in his lap instead, all a sudden hyper-aware of the fact his jacket was folded just by his shoes and he had no sleeves to fiddle with. “We met, um, outside a shop one time? And he offered me a ride on his bike so, so I took it,” He cleared his throat and consciously tried not to pick at his fingernails.

Minhyuk looked at him as he let the final paper drift into its pile.

He knew he was lying.

“That’s so.. sweet,” Minhyuk dragged out the words with an almost flirty movement of his lips and his voice was even smoother than usual, sticky like honey. At any other point in the evening perhaps Changkyun might have found it attractive but as it was his wrists still stung faintly and he couldn't get the unsettling image of the other boy's scared blue eyes out of his mind.

_‘Don't you just wanna thread your fingers through my hair and fuck me in some back alley?’_

Changkyun shivered and wiped the echoed thought from his mind.

“How did you and Jooheon meet?” He swallowed thickly and watched the other boy adjust the lace on his side with elegantly trained fingers as his nose scrunched in confusion at the question.

“Oh sweetie, that's a tricky one. We technically met ‘cos we went to the same college but he doesn't remember me and I ain't about to remind him,”

“Ah, I see,” The younger boy nodded in response until, all of a sudden, something strange dawned on him. “Wait, you went to college?”

“Mm. I was going to be a nurse,” Minhyuk spoke simply but there were tentative undertones in the way he surveyed his final piece of paper with a frown and didn't look up. “I only went for two months though, so that shit didn't quite go to plan,”

“You were going to be a nurse?” Changkyun said quietly, almost entirely in disbelief. The image of the boy in front of him being anything but the person he was now just didn't fit and his wrists were still red and stinging from his nails. The idea of caring just didn't fit Minhyuk. “Why did you only go for two months?” He prompted again when there came no reply.

There was a short moment of silence in which the strange boy across from him looked up with an unreadable expression on his face as he seemed to contemplate something.

“Wanna see a picture of me at college?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah, holy shit Minhyuk, do you have one here?”

“Always with me, safe and sound,” He broke out into a sly grin, shifted his weight and reaching into his pocket with slim fingers. “Here, look, I can get it out just for you cutie… ,”

It seemed he pulled out a wallet before he patted the ground next to him and Changkyun shifted around on the pillows until he was sat to his side. Minhyuk flipped the leather pocket open - black, trimmed with lace - and Changkyun caught a glimpse of notes slipped in one side and cards in the other before feminine fingers pulled out a photo from one of the compartments tucked away behind the rest, spanning the length of the wallet. About the size of a postcard, maybe a little smaller, the image was bordered in white. It was endearingly creased and came with a handwritten caption messily printed underneath.

Changkyun couldn't help but notice, before he directed his attention to the photo, just how perfectly shaped Minhyuk's nails were even as they held up the picture. The older boy leant closer so they both could look down at what he held in his hand and maybe their shoulders touching was a little more than coincidence Until, finally, Changkyun focussed on the photo of Minhyuk at college.

Except Minhyuk was nowhere to be found because it seemed to be a picture of a party.

The setting was obviously a dorm room, strikingly similar to the ones Changkyun had viewed at his college of Hongsik before his mother had decided he was too unstable to live away from home. It looked to be the definition of a university gathering; cheap beer and Soju cans littering the table and held up in the hands of young adults, boys and girls throwing up peace signs and middle fingers to the camera as a pose, the slightly overexposed foreground fading out the light at the edges and giving the photo an almost aged look. There was a couch, a messy coffee table, people wearing hoodies and t-shirts and ripped skinny jeans leaning on the arms or sat on the floor surrounded by litter and confetti and packets of crisps. The focus of the photo was clearly the four people sat on the couch and one of them had a cheap plastic crown placed at an odd angle on his dyed brown hair.

The caption read ' _Choi's b-day_ ' in scrawling messy handwriting really quite similar to Changkyuns own with a date telling him it was the third of November. It didn't take long for Changkyun to realise the boy with the crown was almost definitely Choi, and he felt his eyes drawn to the man with unbridled curiosity. The name sounded familiar, and some part of his brain almost recognised the person in the photo; normal build, normal attractiveness - maybe a little rough around the edges, but there was a kind look in his eyes as he laughed. It was a face he would trust.

“Who's Choi?” Changkyun asked curiously. The boy in the photo with the plastic crown looked awfully familiar. Was that the same face he'd seen plastered over TV screens for the better part of three months earlier that year?

“Cutie, I think we all know who Choi Donghyun is,” The other boy laughed softly and that was the only answer Changkyun needed.

Minhyuk had been in the same year as Choi Donghyun? _The_ Choi Donghyun?

“Where are you?” He asked quietly, a little distracted by the kind face of Choi staring at him from the dogeared photo like he could actually see him like he wasn’t just some ink printed on paper. Now that he was focused on it there was something in the set of his jaw that was eerily familiar, something in his smile that struck a chord of his memory, but he looked so nice he couldn't fathom such a handsome face committing such atrocious crimes.

“Never mind me for a moment cutie, do you see anybody else you recognise?” Minhyuk questioned.

He squinted at the other people around him wondering why Minhyuk had been insinuating that there were people he might know when his eyes caught sight of a very familiar face

"Holy shit, is that Hoseok?" He breathed, leaning in closer to the photo at the revelation.

Even before Minhyuk confirmed his suspicion he knew it was Hoseok. Nobody else could look so indifferent with such a mess of a party around him but there he was, laid back on the sofa with his arm around another boy on the couch. The sides of his head were shaved, hair a strikingly natural black, fingers curled around a little plastic cup and ears surprisingly void of piercings - two in the lobe, one in the cartilage. He looked young with evidence still of baby fat present around his cheeks although his attire of skinny jeans, a slightly too tight top and leather jacket was so typically Hoseok it almost made Changkyun smile. He hadn't changed all that much although he supposed the denim in the photo was a little more paint splattered then his clothes ever would be nowadays.

He wasn't drunkenly smiling or laughing like everybody else, rather staring into the camera flash with such a cocky expression of amusement Changkyun felt his stomach lurch at the sight. That was how he looked at him, all those times when he prodded and poked fun at him, when he called him a kid or teased him before riding a bike or shot him flirty glances across the kitchen counter. He was so familiar but so unsettlingly different because while he looked like Hoseok it wasn't his Hoseok. The Hoseok in the photo didn't know Changkyun existed.

"Mmm, that's him," Minhyuk's smooth honey voice brought him out of his daydream but he couldn't bring himself to tear his eyes away from Hoseok's face. "Jooheon too," An elegant finger pointed at the boy sat next to Choi and once again Changkyun let out an exhale of surprise. Jooheon looked different as well, his hair a natural black and slightly too long around his face. His dimples were prominent and eyes little crescents as he threw up a middle finger to the flash of the camera while laughing, one arm thrown around Choi and clothes surprisingly plain in such a stark contrast to the rich attire Changkyun had been greeted with when they had met that one time.

"Who's that?" Changkyun voice was curious as he posed the question but he couldn't help the hesitation in the way his finger pointed at the boy Hoseok had his arm slung so casually around.

"That's the person you're replacing," Minhyuk said simply.

"Oh," The air left his lungs in a soft exhale because the words shouldn't have hurt him but they did.

He looked mean. All sharp features and sudden angles, piercing eyes and pointed nose and high cheekbones that looked sly and intimidating and almost snake-like. His body was small in stature, arms thin from under his short sleeves, legs curled up on the couch next to Hoseok. For some reason Changkyun _wanted_ to hate him, which was the most absurd thought he'd ever had.

But then, as Changkyun squinted his eyes and leaned in closer to the photo, he realised maybe he didn't look entirely that bad. There was something tender in the hand he lay on Hoseok's thigh, something soft in the slight lean of his shoulder into the other boy's body, something comforting in the way his hair fell over his face in a fluffy mess that contrasted his black tee and jeans. 

"He's pretty," He murmured because really, he was. His face was sharp and eyes daring but he couldn't deny how his features seemed to fit together just right.

"Mhmm. And small, and feisty and everything you are, cutie. You're Hoseok's little carbon copy,"

The words hurt. Which was strange really, because the sudden sharp pain in his chest was new to him and he didn't quite know what to make of it. Sure, he supposed him and Hoseok were bordering on slightly more than friends nowadays, but why would he care if he was a replacement if he didn't have any feelings?

"Where are you?" Changkyun frowned, asking the question in an attempt of diversion because the topic at hand was making it hard to breathe. As much as he dragged his gaze around every person in the photo he couldn't find anybody that looked like Minhyuk.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about me," Minhyuk giggled a little and the sound was loud in Changkyun's ear as they both hunched over the photo. "Uh.. here, I'm the one with the blue hoodie," He directed his attention with a point of his slim finger and Changkyun completely froze.

There was no way that was Minhyuk. Not under any circumstances would he recognise it as the same boy; right off to the side of the photo, sat on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest, arms wrapped around them and a cheap can of Soju in his hands - he didn't look anything like him.

There was no dramatic makeup, smoky eyes or concealer or startlingly blue contacts. His face was completely devoid of all kind of product, the bags under his eyes noticeable in that struggling student kind of way, the flush in his cheeks from the alcohol and the smile on his face somewhat shy. It was unsettling seeing Minhyuk shy. He looked very out of place in the atmosphere of the party, alone and off to the side and not quite involved. Upon closer inspection Changkyun could find some similarities between the boy in the picture and the one sat beside him. They both had the same pointed eyes, long lips and high-bridged nose, but the resemblance ended there.

His clothes were drastically different too and he filled them in an entirely new way. Instead of loose-fitting, revealing tops or sheer vests with lacy decorations, instead of delicate chokers or dangling earrings or carefully sculpted nails, he wore a hoody that swamped his frame and jeans slightly baggier than his legs. But despite the size of the clothes in comparison to his body they seemed more filled out, and Changkyun realised that the main reason he hadn't recognised him in the photo was because of how much healthier he looked. There were no hollowed cheeks or loose skinny jeans or sharp collarbones, just a simple boy in a simple hoody flashing a shy smile at a camera.

Changkyun couldn't believe it. That wasn't Minhyuk. At least, it wasn't the Minhyuk he knew.

"Holy shit, Minhyuk.. you're not.. that's not... what?" He stammered and the other boy offered an amused laugh at his confusion. Changkyun looked up at him in disbelief to find him staring at the photo in undeniable fondness, an unnerving expression for such a heavily done up face. "What happened? How long ago was that?"

The other boy gave a small shrug and shot him a mischievous look. "Hmm, four years? Five? Dunno. I look totally different right?" 

"Yeah, fucking hell. You look so.. happy,” Changkyun dragged his gaze back to stare at the Minhyuk in the photo. He really did look happy, albeit a little uncomfortable in the party scene, but the shy smile and crinkle around his bare eyes almost made Changkyuns chest ache at the thought of a time he hadn't known. What on earth had happened to change him so drastically in such a short space of time?

"Mmm," Minhyuk hummed as he stared at the photo with a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth. He seemed almost amused by the younger boys reaction but also enamoured by the picture of a time long past and Changkyun didn't blame him - there was such a contrast between the photo he held and the current reality, and he felt strangely out of place in it all. Everybody seemed connected, and he was just there, on the edge. He didn't quite understand how everything had changed so much in just a few years and he was a little scared to find out - they looked so small and innocent in the photo, young adults ready to explore the world and not holed up in their apartment drinking every night or dealing drugs in some elaborate system.

It was enough to scare Changkyun into silence.

Well, almost silence. It wasn't long before the curiosity began eating away at his insides and he chose to pose a question instead of remaining quiet.

"Did you.. did you know them that well?" He asked cautiously, desperately wanting to know the answer but scared of what he would say.

"Who, those four?" Minhyuk poked his finger at the boys sat on the couch and when Changkyun nodded his head in response he laughed in that unsettlingly smooth way of his, pushing his hair out of his eyes before placing a hand on the younger boys thigh. He didn't like the contact but he didn't entirely hate it either and so he chose to ignore the weird pressure as Minhyuk spoke again. "No cutie, dear God no, if you asked them now they wouldn't even know we went to the same college. They were _those_ boys if you know what I mean,"

Changkyun frowned and glanced back at the photo. "No, uh, I dunno what you mean actually,"

"Mmm, no cutie, I don't suppose you do. Well, in college you have the.. the _it_ boys right? Now.. imagine combining them all into this.. this group of four, and they were all a little badass and had just the right amount of rebellion in them to have people falling left right and centre," Minhyuk smiled a little wistfully at the thought. "I never knew them personally, I was a shy little boy who'd only just escaped home, but those four boys were everywhere,"

"What were they like?"

"Hmm.. that's tricky," Minhyuk gnawed on his lip and Changkyun found him momentarily distracted by the combination of the pink skin and the hand pressing into his thigh before the older boy spoke and he turned back to look at the photo. "Choi was a natural leader, if he told you to do something you'd do it, he had that kind of presence that just commanded you know?" Minhyuk giggled just a little, the childlike sound making his fingers dig into where they held Changkyuns thigh. "He was kind though. So kind, the nicest boy you'd ever meet. And then Jooheon, who was super close with him. They were a right fucking duo those two, Choi the daring leader and Jooheon the funny friend. And then.. then Hoseok, who believe it or not was the sensible one, he was so sweet even though everybody was still scared of him. He never drank, he just smoked on occasion, and he only ever had eyes for him,"

“Him?” Changkyun looked up at his face to find Minhyuk’s eyes trained on the boy sat next to Hoseok, a crease in the photo obscuring part of the lower couch, his hair falling over his sharp eyes and his shoulder leaning into Hoseok's arm. “What was his name?” He asked curiously.

The silence dragged out for so long, the sound of their quiet breathing echoing eerily through the silent apartment and Changkyun waiting with baited breath.

“Kihyun,” Minhyuk said quietly. "His name was Kihyun,”

"Kihyun?” Changkyun stared at the thin framed boy in the photograph. _Kihyun_. It seemed to fit, the name sharp just like his gaze, and yet putting a name to the face only made him want to hate him more. "So.. so Kihyun was the one who dated Hoseok?”

“Well, the two never said they were dating, but everybody just kinda knew,”

“What was he like?” Changkyun asked softly, transfixed by the image in front of him, of the easy way his body fit under Hoseok’s arm, of the casual way his hand lay on his thigh. “Kihyun, I mean,”

“What was Yoo Kihyun like?” Minhyuk raised his eyebrows. “That's.. a difficult question. I'm tempted to just say mean,” He paused for a second, glanced around the apartment furtively like he was afraid of being watched before leaning into to Changkyun somewhat dramatically with a sly smile on his face. "He was nice to those four though. Sometimes, like, across campus I'd see them all together and Kihyun would be laughing and smiling and looking at Hoseok with these big loving eyes. If you approached him though? Mean Kihyun. Nasty Kihyun. Nobody knew why, but nobody ever wanted to ask and so we assumed it was this thing between the four of them that just.. just kinda worked, you know?"

"Where is he now?” Changkyun asked, but the silence dragged on so long he looked up at the other boy with wide eyes.

“Close,”

“Oh,” The younger boy's stomach contracted when he realised what Minhyuk meant. Kihyun was close? 

“I’m not meant to tell you that,” He spoke with a strangely cute pout, leaning in close with wide innocent eyes and gnawing on his lip with his teeth. “I could get in really big trouble,”

“Well then why did you-”

"You won't say anything, right sweetie?" Minhyuk was closer than he'd been before, gaze intense and thumb stroking his thigh. The languid way he moved made Changkyun somewhat uncomfortable but that didn't stop the anxious feeling in his stomach intensifying into something he enjoyed. "If Hoseok asks if you know anything, what do you say?"

"I say, uh.." Changkyun stumbled over his own words in the quiet apartment. He was a little overwhelmed not only with all the information that had just been stamped in his brain but also by the proximity of the other boy, the gentle movement of his hand and the devious look in his eye. "I say that I don't know anything?"

"What was that sweetie?" Minhyuk's eyes widened as if he hadn't heard. He leaned in ever closer and the younger boy realised that beneath his complex makeup and unnerving blue contacts his concealer had smudged away at the corners to reveal reddened eye bags and tired shadows. He smelt like perfume and smoke and something else he couldn't quite put his finger on, some kind of undertone that was a little stifling and a little addictive.

"I say I don't know anything," Changkyun could only just choke out the words, his breathing stuttering and chest tumultuous. The hand on his thigh and was creeping ever higher, the other boy's thumb stroking smooth circles in the seam of the denim, and he definitely should not be enjoying this right now but he'd be lying if he said Minhyuk’s blue eyes weren't captivating and touch very distracting.

"Good boy," Minhyuk giggled softly when he pulled back. As soon as his hand left his thigh and his face was no longer close Changkyun could breathe again. So, he took a second to compose himself and slow his heart rate before turning back to look at the photo. Being around Minhyuk was like being on a rollercoaster, he was erratic and flighty and seemed to forgo normal methods of communication for ones that made others uncomfortable but Changkyun couldn't tell if it was on purpose or not.

"You said you were gonna be a nurse, right?" His gaze flitted up to Minhyuk's now calm face as he gestured to the photo still held delicately in his hand.

"Mmm, I was cutie," His voice was fond once again as he got lost in his memories. "I was gonna be the best nurse Seoul had ever seen. I was clever you see, though maybe not as clever as Jooheon but it was enough. I was meant to go to a private prep school over in Yongsan but I ran away and that was that, no more fancy school for little Minhyuk-” He giggled again, the childlike sound a stark contrast to how serious he'd been just moments ago. “I was so excited to help people and be a good person cutie, you have no idea,"

“What happened?”

Minhyuk looked at him but didn’t say anything. The concealer around his eyes was definitely wiping away by now, and the gems glinted in the bright light of the apartment.

"What happened? I won't tell anyone, promise," Changkyun prompted, curiosity obvious in his tone. He was intrigued by the idea that Minhyuk - dealer Minhyuk, Minhyuk with his clawed hands and sly giggles and flirty glances and bandage wrapped around his elbow - had ever wanted to be something as gentle as a nurse.

"You're a liar Changkyun. You don't keep your promises," Minhyuk deadpanned, and after a moment of silence moved away all of a sudden. Changkyun watched him push himself up from the ground, gently fold the picture back into his wallet and roll his neck slowly in a sort of stretch. It wasn't the first time that day that the younger boy was fascinated by the feminine way he moved. Each muscle seemed trained to move smoothly, almost delicately, eyes flirty and mouth in a slight pout. It was unsettling, unnerving, but overwhelmingly addicting.

"You know cutie, I like you," Minhyuk spoke matter of factly. His voice had lost all of the emotion it had carried when talking about the photo and had returned to his usual flirty, honey textured sound. "You're a good listener, and you're so fucking clueless it's the most adorable thing. I can see why Hoseok keeps you around,"

"Thanks?" Changkyun frowned a little as he watched Minhyuk dust down his arms before walking away from where he was sat on the table.

"I like you a lot cutie, so we're going to have some fun,"

"Fun?" Changkyun questioned, watching as the other boy retrieved something from a drawer in the kitchen before making his way back towards the cushions around the low coffee table where he was still sat.

"Let's play a game,"

Minhyuk opened his palm. Laid delicately across his hand was a ballpoint pen - black, brand new - and the other stayed curled around something else he couldn't distinguish.

“A game?” Changkyun's stomach immediately felt like he was stood at the edge of a bridge again, fear and nerves and excitement colliding together to form a feeling he couldn't quite name but definitely enjoyed.

“Yes, we can play it here.. oh,” Minhyuk frowned at the stacks of paper on the table and his brow furrowed in confusion. Then all of a sudden the apartment was filled with a loud crash that made Changkyun jump as both piles of neatly sorted documents lay strewn across the pillows and floor. The flutter of paper stilled, and while his heart was about to beat out of his chest Minhyuk simply offered a proud smile. “There we go. _Now_ we can play it here,”

“What game is it?” He choked out. There was no way he was about to ask why Minhyuk had just done that to the documents. He was learning to keep his mouth shut, even if the two orderly piles he had just sorted were now thrown haphazardly across the floor.

“It's called _Étoile_ ,” Minhyuk said with a sly smile as he lowered himself down on the opposing side of the coffee table. The word sounded strange in his mouth because it was definitely foreign - Changkyun recognised it from the few classes he'd taken when he was fifteen and, like Hyungwon, had been convinced he could learn another language.

“Where the fuck did you learn French?” He asked bluntly and Minhyuk chuckled in response.

“I love it when you swear. You're so _feisty_ ,” The other boy curled his fist around the pen as his gaze caught on Changkyun's. “Anyway cutie, have you ever been in an upper class family? They don't teach you English first, they teach you French, cos they just have to be better than everybody fucking else. This is a French game so it's got a French title, I used to play it with my brother when we were younger,”

“Holy shit, that's fancy,” He swore just to tease Minhyuk and his lips quirked into an amused smile. “How do you play it?”

“It's simple really, it's like a playground game-” As he explained he clicked the biro pen absentmindedly with a playful smile etched on his face. “One of us is the _Étoile_ , the star, and the other the _Ciel_ , the sky. Get it? Cos the sky needs a star?” He giggled a little. “We both put our palms plat on the table, but the only difference between each player is that the Étoile has a star on one of his palms, right? And so the idea is not to lift your hands.. you've gotta focus on the face of the other player to try and figure out which hand has the star. You can move your hands, test the waters, but your palms stay flat ‘cos the minute you touch the other player's hand, the game is over and that's the hand you've chosen, right?”

“Uh, I think?” Changkyun frowned. It wasn't quite clear for the other boy had a strange, fragmented way of explaining but he thought he understood the basics. “Somebody has a star on their palm, and the other person has gotta figure out which hand it is?” He summarised.

“Good boy cutie, you're so smart. If the _Ciel_ gets it right, the player with the star takes one of these-” Changkyuns stomach sunk when Minhyuk uncurled the fingers of the hand not holding the pen to reveal a plastic bottle. “And if the _Ciel_ loses, they're the one who takes one,”

“What are they?” Changkyun asked quietly, staring at the bottle with a strange feeling of dissociation.

"They're fucking cute, right?" Minhyuk rattled the bottle and his lips curled into a fond smile. "I love the colour blue and they're so perfectly pastel. They taste like blueberry too, I think, but I'm off my head already and can't taste fuck all,"

"What are they?" Changkyun repeated as he stared at the bottle warily. It was small, made out of clear plastic that showed an interior filled with little blue capsules, unlabelled and surprisingly mundane. Was Minhyuk really offering him pills? As a penalty for a game? 

"Highs,"

Changkyun swallowed. "Made out of what?"

"Stuff that gets you high, obviously," Minhyuk rolled his eyes. "They're like.. like party highs. You're meant to take them in a club but I've never really been one for rules. Just trust me cutie, you'll like it,"

"But you told me not to trust you," Changkyun pointed out

"Did I?" Minhyuk raised a challenging eyebrow as his lips quirked. The convincing tone of his voice was enough to make Changkyun question his own memory - he had said not to trust him right? The four in the morning phone call was a little hazy in his mind but he specifically remembered the other boy saying that not trusting him was a good thing. With his forearms still stinging faintly from his nails there was a definite hesitation, but then again, the little plastic bottle on the table did look awfully tempting. 

“What if I don't want to play?” The tone of his voice was cautious and he cast a wary look at Minhyuk's face as he clicked the pen one final time and offered a smile.

“You're going to. You promised you'd be nice to me remember?” His head cocked to the side before he gestured lightly with his hand. “Turn around, I'll go first,”

There was a fleeting moment where Changkyun felt as if he should protest, the words already dancing on the tip of his tongue and his mouth slightly parted until, with a sigh of resignation and a final glance at the pen in Minhyuk’s hand, Changkyun turned around.

Because this wasn’t Hoseok’s, and he didn’t have to pretend here.

“You can show your pretty face now cutie,” Minhyuk called only a second later, and when Changkyun shifted to face the table once again the other boy was knelt at the other side, hands face down in front of him and an almost giddy smile on his face. “Put your palms on the table, flat like mine,”

Changkyun did as he was told. The surface of the wood was smooth under his fingertips as he laid them down, the tips of his fingers leaving a sizable gap between his own hands and Minhyuk’s.

“Okay cutie,” Minhyuk said with a grin. The corners of his eyes crinkled as he smiled but there was no feeling of warmth behind them. “As soon as you move the game begins,”

For a few seconds Changkyun was frozen, anticipation and nerves gnawing at his stomach as he stared at both of their hands on the table, his own nails picked to pieces and raw around the edges a direct contrast to Minhyuk’s perfectly sculpted ones. Maybe he should have listened to the other boy explain the rules in depth because, faced with the prospect of actually playing, he was a little confused but he supposed there was only one way to figure out how it worked. By playing it.

Tentatively, he pushed his left hand forward across the table, only an inch towards the other boy’s pale hands and after he’d done so Minhyuk quirked an eyebrow at him in amusement. He frowned, looking back at his own hands before dragging his gaze up to meet the icy blue ones staring back and subtly moving his left hand a little further across the wooden surface.

Minhyuk jerked his left hand back.

The movement was sudden and yet his face stayed passive, obvious amusement twinkling in his eyes as he watched Changkyun’s perplexity grow. Was he moving his hand because the star was underneath it or because it wasn’t?

Slowly he edged his left hand further and chased Minhyuk’s backwards, watching his face for any sign of what might be underneath, before he shot out his right hand until their fingertips almost touched. At the action Minhyuk pulled his own hands towards his torso and Changkyun might have imagined it, but there seemed to be something close to shock in his eyes. With a frown he dragged his own palms back across the smooth surface into their starting position and Minhyuk pushed his slightly closer, his eyes narrowing as he supposedly realised that Changkyun might be onto something.

Cautiously inching his right hand towards Minhyuk’s he searched his face for any sign of weakness but there was none for his experimental movement yielded nothing other than yet another amused smirk and a tilt of the head. He shot both hands forward quickly and Minhyuk’s reactions were like lightning, pulling back his own palms as fast as Changkyun advanced but with a start the younger boy realised something. It was subtle, a flickering of Minhyuk’s eyes and the faster speed at which he moved his right hand, but with a grin he realised he’d figured it out.

Even in a game Minhyuk would lie.

He lifted his hand off the table to grab at Minhyuk’s left hand, feeling the cold skin underneath his fingertips and momentarily marvelling at just how fragile it felt. Choosing to ignore the narrowing of the other boy’s eyes he flipped his wrist over to reveal what was underneath.

There, in the middle of Minhyuk’s left palm, was a little black star. Smudged around the edges after being dragged across the table, each corner rounded and the edges messy, but undeniably the shape of a six-pointed star.

“I win,” Changkyun grinned and looked up at Minhyuk to find the other boy staring at him with a clearly amused expression on his face. The sight irked him because, despite winning, he still felt as if the other boy knew something he didn’t.

“How did you do that? I was trying so hard cutie, you really are a genius,” Minhyuk exaggerated his words and although they didn’t sound all that truthful Changkyun couldn’t help sitting up a little straighter at the praise.

“I knew you would fake it. Even in the game, ‘cos I figured you’re that kinda person right?” Changkyun grinned. He was a little too excited at the prospect of winning but he didn’t care; if he ignored the fain stinging of his wrists and the other boy’s unsettling blue eyes this might have counted for fun. “I was right, wasn’t I? Do you have to take the pills now?”

“Yes, you were right cutie, well done,” Minhyuk laughed softly and he seemed genuinely entertained by Changkyun’s sudden enthusiasm. The plastic bottle rattled in his hand as he picked it up with a short, almost comedic sigh. “I guess I have to take one of these now, oh dear, what a terrible fucking shame,”

The mischievous smile on his face caused Changkyun to laugh softly. He tried not to scratch at his fingernails as he watched the older boy twist the grey cap from the bottle and give it a gentle tap until a little capsule rolled into his palm. It was a sky blue, round and flat and etched with something Changkyun couldn’t see from here.

There was no hesitation in his movements. With a smooth hand Minhyuk tipped his head back and let the tablet fall back into his mouth, and only a second passed before he was downing it with the glass of water that had been left on the table. The manoeuvre looked practised, each step followed through perfectly and Changyun was left to wonder just how often he did this. When the cup was placed back on the table with a gentle thud the other boy stuck out his tongue in disgust.

“Ugh, they taste like plastic,” He grimaced, nose scrunching as he screwed the lid back on the bottle. 

“I thought you said they tasted like blueberry?” Changkyun smiled in an attempt to be teasing and Minhyuk laughed sweetly before handing the pen across the table with his usual fluid movements

“Well they probably do if you're not high off your head, right cutie?” Minhyuk giggled in his usual childlike manner, watching with careful eyes as Changkyun took the pen in his own hand. “Anyway, let's play again and try and get you to take one too,” 

He turned to face his back towards him and so, after a few seconds of careful deliberation, Changkyun drew the star hesitatingly on his right palm, sneaking glances at the bottle the whole time.

He couldn’t believe he was doing this, but at the same time he didn’t want to stop.

“How long do they take to kick in?” Changkyun asked the second he’d gingerly placed the pen back on the table and before letting his hands fall onto the surface - palms flat, just like the previous game - and Minhyuk seemed to take the sound of the table creaking as a sign to turn back around and offer a flirty smile. 

“Hmm. Thirty minutes maybe? I dunno cutie, but we better hurry up ‘cos you wanna be high at the same time as me, right?”

“Right,” He nodded in agreement. Minhyuk let his own hands drift onto the surface again, elegant and flowy and perfectly trained. “Okay. okay, I’m ready when you are,” Changkyun continued, remembering how last time the other boy had let him start the game.

Minhyuk gave a tinkly, childlike laugh and then, all of a sudden, he started to move.

Minhyuk didn't play like Changkyun. There was no cautious movement, no tentative gaze and uncertain ideas, instead his method was filled with the quick sliding of his palms across the table - left hand right, right hand forward, inching ever closer - all the while holding an indifferent expression on his face that most definitely hinted at amusement.

It was like an elaborate game of cat and mouse, except they were sliding their palms across the surface of a table and Changkyun was trying incredibly hard to keep his face neutral while he did so. The sharp movements of the other boy were unnerving however, and his calm expression faltered a few times when a hand inched too close to his right. When Minhyuk suddenly reached out and snatched his wrist there was no sense of surprise about the situation.

It was tense for a few moments, Minhyuk’s hands curled tightly around his wrist and a knowing smile pulling at his face, before he flipped around Changkyun’s arm to reveal what was underneath.

A little black star, snug in the center of his palm.

“Got you,” He grinned, not breaking eye contact, and if Changkyun had known any better he would have said it was almost predatory.

And then he was moving again. Minhyuk jerked back his arm and curled his fingers around the bottle just off to the side, using skilled manoeuvres to untwist the cap and shake until a tablet fell out. Changkyun was speechless as he placed it in his palm, grabbing the glass of water, picking up Changkyun’s own hand and forcing him to grip it. The fact he was so enthusiastic about this probably should have set alarm bells ringing, but, if Changkyun was honest, the fast paced movements and excited grin on the other boy’s face only fueled his own willingness to comply. 

He wanted to do it. He really did. There was this niggling feeling telling him that he really, actually shouldn’t but there were lots of things he shouldn’t do, right? He always ended up doing them, why should this time be any different? It wasn't like anything bad was going to happy - if anything, it would feel good.

“Wait,” He said quiety, staring at the little blue pill in his outstretched palm sat just by the smudge of a star. It looked so incredibly tempting but for some reason the thought of taking it made him feel guilty.

His small hesitation didn’t go unnoticed however and soon enough Minhyuk was looking at him through smokey eyes and unnerving blue contacts.

“Why did you take it last time Changkyun?” He asked curiously, eyes trained on Changkyuns wavering ones.

“What?” He looked up from the sight of his palm and the way his fingertips pressed into the cool sides of the glass of his other hand. He really wanted to, but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to do it.

“When I offered you that shit last time. The smoke. You took it, and I found out from Jooheon it was your first time ‘cos Hoseok was fucking pissed about it,” Minhyuk rolled his eyes and then softened his voice, letting his eyebrows draw up until he looked almost empathetic. “Why did you take it? If you didn’t know what was in it? If it was dangerous?”

“‘Cos… I.. uh.. 'Cos I wanted to feel alive, that's all,” He mumbled quietly. The confession was heavy on his shoulders, eyes catching on the pill on his palm, and all of a sudden he felt very vulnerable and like his decision had already been made. It wasn’t like his thoughts were particularly bad today, but that didn’t matter right? It had been a while since he’d had a cigarette, since he’d gotten so drunk he could feel the heat in his chest; would the high bring that same kind of feeling he craved?

“Well then feel alive _with_ me, cutie,” Minhyuk said quietly, and he was almost pleading, almost sympathetic. “Do it, you can trust me just this once,”

Feel alive with him?

Changkyun swallowed, looking at the pill and then back at Minhyuk’s wide, innocent eyes, before making his final decision.

It was quick. Throwing his head back and letting the tablet fall onto the flat of his tongue, taking a swig from the glass of water and feeling the lump travel past his throat with the liquid to wash it down. Minhyuk had been right; it did taste like blueberry.

When he gasped for air after taking a drink and let the glass stand alone on the table Minhyuk gave a loud giggle, the clapping of his hands inciting his bangles to jingle and even Changkyun gave a hesitant laugh in response.

Holy fuck. He should not have done that.

“I can’t believe you actually did it!” Minhyuk laughed and shook his head with a grin. “You actually fucking did it. You know what cutie? I want you to stick around for as long as possible, you’re so fucking fun,”

“Thanks,” The edges of his mouth twitched into a tentative smile, a lump in his throat and mind reeling. “I don’t.. I… how long did you say they take to kick in?”

“Oh shit sweetie, must be at least thirty minutes. I don’t know ‘cos when you’re at a party time seems a lil’ bit skewed, hmm? But I estimate we have a little while before either of us gets so delightfully fucking high,”

“What are we going to do until then?” He asked as he drummed his fingers on the wood of the table and then dug his fingernail into the skin of his right hand. What he had just done was only just starting to sink in after the adrenaline of the game cleared and he was starting to think it had been a bad idea. Even though he relished in the feeling of fear, even though the nerves were comforting in a strange way, his brief lapse of judgement had just implored him to swallow a pill he didn't know the contents of just because Minhyuk had told him to.

It should have worried him more than it did. As a matter of fact, the choking feeling in his throat was closer to excitement than regret.

“Well I dunno about you cutie, but I’ve spent the good part of two hours here entertaining you and not answering calls, hmm?” The other boy began gathering together the pen on the table and pill bottle in his hands before pulling out his phone from his pocket and grimacing at the screen. “I have a lot of angry clients on the line, so while I deal with those you sit nice and snug. If you feel any... any different come and let me know, okay sweetie?”

“I, uh.. Okay. Okay, I’ll be here,”

“I really will be back soon, stay put and, um..” Minhyuk hesitated, dragging his gaze up to meet his for a second, and if Changkyun hadn’t been staring at him so intensely he might have missed the uncertain way at which he gnawed on his lip momentarily when he spoke again. “Thank you for playing along and.. and being so nice to me,”

“That's okay. I like being nice to you,” Changkyun offered an uncertain smile. He wanted to say there was something about the other boy that was both addictive and stifling; it was unpleasant being around him but at the same time just as fun. It wasn't even about the free cigarettes - at least, that's what Changkyun told himself.

“Mm. You’re really very good at pretending to be nice,” He smiled almost sadly, pushing himself up from the pillows he was knelt on and Changkyun watched him dust down his skinny jeans and took note of the baggy fabric of his top. It really was scary how terribly thin he was, and upon thinking of the college photo he’d been shown he felt the urge to ask just what had happened to change him again.

However, he was far too focused on what he had just said to make much of a comment about it. Changkyun didn’t think he was pretending. Getting high with Minhyuk? That seemed like an adventure in itself. He’d said they could feel alive _together_. How tempting was that? Changkyun couldn’t have resisted even if he’d tried.

When Minhyuk disappeared around the corner towards the corridor after his face broke out into a grin at what he'd said, Changkyun was left with the lingering taste of blueberry on his tongue and the distinct nausea of anxiety in his stomach.

Left with nothing else to do he screwed his fists up into little balls on the table to stop him from picking at his skin, surveying the apartment around him with open eyes for about the third time that evening. It was so big, so white and empty and totally devoid of furniture that the lights above him hurt his eyes and created such a contrast with the inky black seen through the large window opposite Changkyun wondered what the time was for night to have fallen so darkly.

Upon taking his phone out of his pocket to check the time, he felt his heart stop beating for just a second and his stomach plummet into the floor.

Not only was there three messages all from about twenty minutes ago blinking at him from the home screen, but they were three messages from Hoseok.

Hoseok had messaged him. Hoseok never messaged him. He always called - always.

He sucked in a sharp breath when he thumbed the app open, and his eyes latched onto the little pixels lit up on the screen that made his heart stop completely.

The first was normal, a simple question that Changkyun even read in the lilt of the other boy’ voice.

‘ _where are you kid?_ ’

And then second was the same, if a little vague, and while the words weren’t necessarily indicative of anything they weren’t comforting in the slightest.

‘ _can you make it to mine?_ ’

The third, however, made his world come crashing down him, Minhyuk’s apartment and all.

‘ _i need you_ ’

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changkyun ran without shoes on.

He'd left them back in Minhyuk’s apartment alongside his jacket, strewn by the door where he'd promised himself to pick them up before he left. Minhyuk’s surprised protests had been forgotten in the background as he'd stammered some excuse about his mum needing him and bolted out the door before the other boy could grab his wrist for a second time.

His mind had only been on one thing when he left – Hoseok.

Hoseok, Hoseok, Hoseok. Changkyun didn’t care about the way his socks caught on the gravelly concrete, he didn't care about the harsh slap of the soles of his feet on the hard floor or how the startlingly cold December air bit at his toes. He was focused purely on the pump of his arms and movement of his feet and burn of his lungs as he ran - properly ran, not just a light jog before class or into school -for the first time in what was years.

The sharp air hurt his lungs as he gasped for breath. Running hurt, more than he’d realised, but he refused to slow down because Hoseok needed him and he was probably in his apartment now drunk or alone or both and for some reason Changkyun couldn't stand the thought of him hurting without him there to help him pretend it was all okay.

He needed him. Hoseok needed him.

The sparse passers-by gave him open mouthed stares as he sped past them in a blur of heavy breathing and running legs. The streets were mostly deserted thanks to the industrialised area of Mapo-Gu but that didn't stop him having to weave around the occasional group of drunk teenagers or shady looking men. He was almost as Hoseok’s, his feet aching and lungs burning and hair plastered back from his forehead thanks to the biting cold air.

He was lucky the apartment building Hoseok lived it was cheap and couldn't care less about security because it meant he could just push through the lobby door without needing a key. He only just managed to stumble up up the artificially lit stairs in a daze, skin prickling uncomfortably and sweat sticking to his forehead as little needles dug under his open skin and rose little pinpricks of fire all across his body. Had it been thirty minutes since he’d taken what Minhyuk had offered? He couldn’t really remember. The feeling of his body simultaneously floating and burning was so totally foreign to him, it was hard to focus on anything but instead of dwelling on the strange feeling he pushed himself to run up the last flight of rickety stairs to hammer on Hoseok's door.

When he didn't answer Changkyun knocked again, this time more frantically as the anxiety in his stomach twisted into knots, and after the door stayed firmly closed he wasted no more time before he pushed down on the handle and let it slam against the wall inside with a large clatter.

He stood in the doorway, panting, lungs burning from running and vision fading at the edges. The lights of the apartment throbbed gently as his eyes scanned the room to the same beat as his pounding heart. His whole body ached from the exertion of running and his hair was stuck to his forehead in a cold sweat from the icy air outside. His breathing was raspy and loud, chest heaving as he caught his breath, and it was only when his panting began to steady did he realise the apartment in front of him was empty.

"Hoseok?" He choked out.

There came no reply. The lights above the kitchen hummed gently, the entire apartment bathed in a yellow glow from the lamp switched on just by the couch.

The older boy had said he was here, right? 

Changkyun should be looking for him. Really, he should, but there was this strange film over his vision and everything was a little blurry and his mind kept fixating on the weird sound of his heavy breathing in the apparently empty apartment.

That was until there came a clatter from the bathroom.

It only took a few seconds of realisation before he was stumbling over his own feet in order to get there as quickly as possible. When he finally managed to push through the darkened hallways into the bright light of the bathroom door, already open and offering a view of the stark white interior and tiled floor, he almost felt like crying in relief. 

There, stood in the centre of the small bathroom under the harsh white light, was Hoseok. His jacket was draped over the edge of the bathtub, his cuffed top hugging his frame and pushed messily into the waistband of his jeans, hair windswept and face pained. When Changkyun stumbled around the doorway with frantic searching eyes he caught the way he stood squinting at his left hand with something held in his right before he looked up with wide eyes at the commotion of the younger boy entering the room.

"Changkyun,” He breathed, tone tainted with relief, and the younger boy had no time to react before he was placing down whatever was in his right hand and pulling him forward into an embrace.

Hoseok was hugging him.

A small sound of surprise fell from his lips but he allowed himself to be gently pulled closer, choosing to wrap his own trembling arms around Hoseok's torso as he did so. Why the older boy was hugging him so suddenly he had no idea and he had yet to catch his breath after running for so long as his heart was still racing and hands shaking with anxiety. He'd ran so fast and had worried so much in such a short space of time that it was so easy just to fall into the older boy's warm embrace. In any other moment perhaps he would have questioned how he vaguely smelt like coming home but as it was he was just happy for the comfort.

“Hoseok,” He mumbled in reply. His voice sounded strangely distant in his own head and his heartbeat was loud in his ears but he didn’t care - Hoseok was here, safe, and holding him closer than ever before. Big and warm and comforting, so unlike the harsh edges and thin fingers of the boy he'd just spent his evening with.

“You came,” Hoseok half whispered, half sighed, wrapping his arms around him tighter and letting the younger boy's head fall against his shoulder gently. Despite his mind being foggy and breath uneven from the running Changkyun was briefly reminded of the small height difference between them and - even though it wasn't the most obvious - it immediately eased the worries that had collated as he'd hung out with Minhyuk.

Now that he wasn't faced with the prospect of Minhyuk's presence he felt the adrenaline fade into fear, because holy fuck, what had he just done? He'd been so scared but the pity he'd incurred after staring into Minhyuk's fearful eyes and hearing him ask to be nice to him had been enough to make him stay. He'd swallowed a fucking _pill_. When the fear from his sudden lapse in character had subsided, he'd even had fun.

He'd learned about Kihyun. _Kihyun_. The name echoed in his brain.

“You said you needed me,” Changkyun could barely get the words out through the sudden tightening of his throat as he realised he had yet to experience any symptoms of a high - at least one he knew. Slowly he turned his head to lay it against Hoseok's shoulder, leaning into his arms and trying to let his shaking body relax as the fear crept up on him and threatened to swallow him whole. “I… I ran.. all the way here, just ‘cos.. ‘cos you said,”

“You ran?” Hoseok asked softly, surprise evident in his tone, but even as he spoke his arms stayed wrapped tightly around him. There had never been a time where they had hugged for so long, not once, and the realisation made Changkyun's heart beat faster.

“Yeah, ‘cos I got your text late and I just…” He trailed off, brown furrowing as his thoughts grew muddled. It was hard to remember even though it had only happened before he'd ran all the way here. “You said you needed me, so… so I was worried.”

“I do need you,” Hoseok said simply, the words loud from where he embraced Changkyun and tinged with something he couldn't place. Vulnerability? Shame?

“What did you need me for?”

“I just.. I just wanted to see you,” He mumbled, voice loud in his ear, but there was a hesitation in his tone that made Changkyun pull back from his embrace with a frown because there was something not right about the situation and it was unnerving to say the least.

It was only then that he saw it.

Smeared across his left cheek was something smudged and startlingly red against his pale skin, the edges dried and skin blossoming an angry colour. It looked to be a bruise, a subtle scraping of skin just across the cheekbone, not particularly large but rough and raw and obviously painful.

Hoseok was hurt, and as Changkyun felt the air pushed from his lungs in surprise he noticed the way the other boy looked at him with something close to fear.

“Hoseok? What's that?” He asked quietly, reaching up with of his hands to cup his face. With the pad of his thumb he tried to wipe away the red mark on his cheekbone to no avail, only resulting in Hoseok grimacing and his eyes fluttering shut for a second.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,”

“You’re hurt?” Changkyun pulled back a little and he realised that there was also a red mark peeking out from the loose neck of his tee that looked like it might have been the beginnings of a bruise. “Are you okay? What happened?” He choked out, placing a palm flat on his chest by the mark and watching the way he flinched at the contact.

“Always so curious kid,” His tone came across playful but the sentiment fell flat in the quiet atmosphere of the bathroom. “I.. I’m fine, I bandaged up the worst of it, didn’t do a good job because I’m kinda drunk and I wish I could say I ain’t had no alcohol since I got back but there’s a fucking bottle on the sink,” He smiled sadly and lifted up his left hand to show him.

It was then Changkyun made the connection between what he had seen upon stumbling into the bathroom and the sight of his outstretched palm - he'd been bandaging his knuckles.

The sad exhale that fell from Changkyun's mouth was loud in the quiet atmosphere, and he felt Hoseok's eyes burn into his face as he gingerly took his hand within his own and stared at the way it was wrapped in thin white gauze.

“What happened?” He almost whispered, tentatively running the tip of his index finger over the light fabric and hearing the soft way Hoseok hissed in pain.

“..I hit a wall,”

Changkyun frowned and looked up at Hoseok to find his small grin teasing but gaze defeated.“Walls don't hit back Hoseok. Were you drunk?”

“.. yeah,” Hoseok admitted after yet another short pause. “I was tipsy, went to, uh, hit Jooheon and some other guy got in my way, I… well, yeah. Couldn’t stop the fist fight long enough to explain that Jooheon don’t need protecting in a fight - he may look posh but he’s got a hell of a good uppercut,”

“You went to hit Jooheon?” Changkyun asked in disbelief because that was so unlike Hoseok - the older boy was always gentle and he'd seen the way he and his friend had conversed that time at Haneuls. They were like brothers, why were they fighting?

“Yeah, I… he..” Hoseok took an unsteady deep breath and forced a smile onto his face. The movement caused the injury on his cheek to move and it looked painful even to Changkyun. “He called me an alcoholic. And I got.. I got angry. Like you know that time you broke all my bottles in the sink? I was that angry, just this time you weren’t there to calm me down,”

Jooheon had called Hoseok an alcoholic.

The word left a bitter taste in Changkyun's mouth and he let go of the bandaged hand he was holding slowly.

“I’m sorry,” He said softly, apologetic both for what Jooheon had said and also for not being there when he'd needed him. 

“No, no, don’t ever be sorry kid. I.. I came back here on my bike and then texted you so I’m okay now,” The older boy took a shaky breath and forced a smile.

“You said you needed me,” He mumbled, and yet all of a sudden he was aware of a strange feeling in his fingertips. The buzzing sensation he’d felt earlier while running had intensified and the faint ringing in his ears definitely wasn’t normal. Had it been thirty minutes? Changkyun had no idea. With a sinking feeling in his stomach he realised his time was most probably up, and he had no idea what was even in that blue tablet and henceforth had no idea what was about to happen.

If he hadn't been with Hoseok then he probably would have enjoyed the fear.

“I do. You make me feel better kid,” His lips almost pulled up into a grin but the happy feeling didn't reach his eyes. “I wanted to.. to pretend I was okay and.. and you help,”

“Hoseok..”

“Don’t,” The other boy held up a hand and offered a sad smile. “I’ve had a rough day so I’m being a sappy piece of shit. Don’t go telling nobody I’m really a sweetheart underneath ‘cos my reputation will be ruined,”

“Reputation?” Changkyun scoffed, and he might have been tempted to laugh had he not been so preoccupied with consciously trying to ignore the shake of his hands and bubbling of _something_ just underneath his skin. “Hoseok, you just got in a fight with some stranger, I think you’re safe for now,”

“You don't know nothing kid,” Hoseok teased and the sound was a relief because, finally, he sounded just a little bit like normal.

“I’m not a kid,” Changkyun grinned in response.

Hoseok looked at him for a moment before he broke out into a smile. The movement crinkled the skin just by his eyes, immediately softening the piercings glinting in his ear and the ink peeking out from under his left arm.

“No,” He said quietly, teasing smile still etched on his features. “You’re my kid,” 

Changkyun froze, mouth slightly parted and eyes wide. His kid. _His kid._

And then suddenly there were arms pulling him into yet another hug and he melted into the older boy as easily as he fell into bed. He was so warm, so nice to lean against, so comforting to hear his heartbeat faintly through his chest.

And in that moment he realised Hoseok had needed him for comfort just as much as he did. For strength. In a time of need where he was hurting - both mentally and physically - when he was all alone and needed somebody to be there for him, he’d wanted Changkyun.

He’d needed him.

Changkyun had never been needed before, at least not to his knowledge. Nobody had told him he was needed. He needed Hyungwon to be there for him, he needed his parents to provide their house and love, he needed his college classes to get his qualifications and he needed cigarettes to kill the cravings but never, in his short life, had he ever been told he was needed.

Hoseok was vulnerable, and had needed him.

It felt good, but it also felt like he was about to cry. 

When he pulled back from the hug with a small sniff Hoseok’s arms stayed loosely wrapped around him.

"Why aren’t you running away kid?" The older boy's brow knit together, the bright lights of the bathroom bouncing off the tiles as Changkyun's vision shifted in and out of focus.

"What?" He asked quietly. It was much harder to focus on anything and he was a little confused at what he'd just been asked.

"I’m all big and mean and scary Hoseok who just got in a fight,” Hoseok offered an amused smile, the bruise on his cheek a deeper red than it had been before. “Why aren't you running away from me? Do you have any common sense?”

"It’s ‘cos I know that's not you, not really," Changkyun said quietly and yet his voice still reverberated too loud in his ears. "You're not big and mean and scary, you're just Hoseok," 

"Yes, I’m Hoseok. Big and mean and scary Hoseok who's done bad things little kids like you shouldn't get involved with,"

"You’re wrong," This time the younger boy shook head with an amused smile and although the action sent the room spinning around him he didn't regret it in the slightest. "That’s not my Hoseok,”

“What’s your Hoseok?” The older boy asked softly and with a start Changkyun realised his voice sounded almost vulnerable.

“My Hoseok?” He repeated quietly, brow furrowing as he ran the question over in his muddled mind. It was a little hard to think, his thoughts bouncing around and his senses growing amplified, but he ignored the sudden energy to focus on what he'd been asked.

There was nothing outstanding that had painted a picture of such a caring person in his mind for all they had was their time together, countless hours spent sleeping on his shitty couch or under the bright light of the very bathroom they stood in. A night at a club, another in his living room, sleeping in bathtubs or bowls of Frosties to cure hangovers or sitting on the kitchen floor drinking bitter vodka straight out of the bottle.

And he realised that's exactly what made him his Hoseok; everything they'd done together, for Changkyun hadn't known him before that night on the bridge and he couldn't tell the future, and so the only thing that made him his was everything they'd done with each other.

“My Hoseok? He's.. he’s somebody who-who takes me home if I get high at clubs,” Changkyun began with a smile, finding comfort in the older boy's arms still loosely wrapped around his body and the tender way in which he was looking at him. “My Hoseok sets up surprise Christmas lights for me, pierces my ear and dyes my hair and takes me for motorbike rides. He.. he gives me lighters of my favourite colour and holds me when I sleep and listens to me when I cry and always, always makes me feel better, even when I want to die,"

He paused for a second, nibbling his bottom lip in nervous energy as his hands began to shake slightly and his mind grew even foggier.

"Changkyun.." Hoseok trailed off, eyes wide as he stared at him.

"Shh, listen to me,” He spoke over the older boy gently. It was getting hard to focus on anything, the throbbing of the room and ebbing of sound combined with his amplified heart rate was driving him almost insane. Was this the high? His voice sounded slurred even to his own ears. “I care about you. Okay? Today you.. you said you needed me, and so I came ‘cos I ain’t never gonna leave you alone, not when you need somebody and not ‘cos I think you can't take care of yourself,”

Hoseok froze. "You care about me?"

"Of course I do," Changkyun's lips pulled into a grin but it didn't take long for his face to fall after. “And that’s really fucking weird to say, ‘cos I don’t go around caring about many people and it’s so.. so _scary_ ,” He took a shuddering breath and closed his eyes for brief composure before meeting his gaze again. “I’m scared Hoseok, I’m only nineteen, but that’s me scared of my own feelings and not of you. I’m never gonna be scared of you, not ever, ‘cos I care about you so much my chest actually hurts and I kind of can’t breath right now and I kind of just want to stay in your apartment forever and always pretend it's okay,”

There was a silence after he finished speaking, his words hanging heavy in the air between them as the older boy in front of him looked at him with an unreadable expression on his face. His vision was fading, colours too bright and the white too overwhelming, but he still felt safe in his arms.

“Let's pretend we're okay,” Hoseok spoke softly, breaking the silence with careful words and all Changkyun could do was offer a smile.

“We are,” He said quietly, and even though it was both a lie neither of them really cared.

“Can I kiss you?” Hoseok asked softly, voice almost lost in the silence of the bathroom.

“Yes,” Changkyun could barely speak the words. “Please,”

And so Hoseok kissed him.

His hands found his waist like they'd been searching their whole lives, slotting into the little divot between his hips and ribcage perfectly, and Changkyun felt himself stumbling backwards but not before placing his hands on the sides of the other boy's face and moving his thumb so as not to disturb the bruise on his cheek.

If his back hitting the tiled bathroom wall by the doorframe hurt he couldn't tell, far too focused on the way his entire body lit up in flames at such a simple contact. His skin was buzzing from the high just enough to be so delightfully sensitive and Hoseok was pressing and rough but not aggressive; always gentle Hoseok, holding his body against the cold wall but just enough for it to feel tantalisingly _good_ and not violent or forceful. 

Changkyun realised that, out of all the ways he'd found to feel alive the past two months, this was definitely his favourite.

When the older boy pulled back they were both a little breathless, hands holding each other lightly and eyes searching the other's face.

“Kid,” Hoseok breathed, and the sound was so hot and rough and tender Changkyun’s stomach flipped in something close to both anxiety and excitement.

It was the first time Hoseok had kissed him, not the other way around.

“Why did you kiss me?” He asked softly, the words spoken to the sound of his racing pulse. What he was feeling wasn't normal, but he didn't really care.

“You always look so pretty kid, and ain't nobody said they care like that in a long fucking time,” Hoseok replied, voice rough and tinged with something Changkyun couldn't quite distinguish. The cold wall of the bathroom was still pressing into his back and it didn't seem like the older boy was about to pull away, and when his searching gaze caught onto Hoseok's stare he felt his heart stop beating for just a second at the look in his eyes. Changkyuns small hands were clutching either side of his face, Hoseok’s were pressing into his waist and the pressure was so firm and real and _good_.

And sure, they were both a little too far gone - Hoseok on alcohol, Changkyun skin buzzing from the high - but it was like neither of them really cared anymore.

“I’m pretty?” He frowned. He thought Hoseok was the one who was pretty, not him. While his fingertips were on fire and his heart was loud in his chest he couldn’t quite fathom just what the other boy was saying to him despite the words being so loud in his ear. Hoseok thought he was pretty?

“Fuck, kid-” Hoseok screwed his face up in frustration and let out a ragged sigh. “Just look at you,”

“Look at me?” Changkyun couldn't really see. He was short of breath with heartbeat echoing in his ears as if all his senses were both simultaneously heightened and muted.

“Mm. Look at you,” Hoseok didn't move from where he had pushed him gently against the wall. “I think of you all the time kid. How do I not do this every time I see you? It's so- fuck, I don't know if I can hold back anymore you know? I don't have it in me, just.. _look_ at you,”

“Well then don't hold back,” Changkyun mumbled, dragging his hand across his cheek to fall against his neck. He let his gaze pull over his wet lips, down the grooves of his neck and slight fold of the muscles just under the skin. Was Hoseok aware of how attractive he was? Of how, when Changkyun had said he was his type outside college that one time, he hadn’t been lying? “Kiss me again and don't hold back,”

Changkyun's gaze flickered up to meet Hoseok's intense one. His expression was unreadable, hands warm on his waist and lips pink and swollen.

“Please?” Changkyun asked quietly.

Any other time he figured Hoseok would have pulled back. It was just so like him, stubborn and unrelenting and ultimately self-deprecating, pulling away from Changkyun with that face of longing and regret the younger boy was so used to seeing that told him maybe, but not now. Not now. Hoseok always said not now.

This time, however, the silence lasted only a few tantalizing seconds before Hoseok was kissing him again.

And this time he didn't hold back.

Immediately there was something different. Changkyun didn't have to be an expert in these things to know that the hands that scraped his skin and the pull of his lower lip were far more intense than anything else they'd done. Hoseok was moving, searching, and while his hands slipping just under his top like last time sparked little fires along Changkyun's skin they didn't stop there. The rough fabric of the bandage on his left hand tickled just above his hips and then - holy _fuck_ , Changkyun shivered as he felt cold fingers slip just under the waistband of his jeans as a palm pressed firm into the small of his back, pulling his hips forward and forcing his shoulders against the wall.

It was everything Changkyun hadn't realised he'd wanted but now desperately craved.

When Changkyun pulled back to breathe Hoseok didn't allow him to catch his breath and the younger boy could only choke out a gasp when he felt hot kisses pressed against the sensitive skin of his neck just under his jaw. It was even better than that time on the kitchen counter because this time he was definitely high now - the familiar feeling of burning heat and ice cold dancing along his skin just like last time - and the sensation of the older boy was so much more overwhelming and it was so, so hot.

From the angle his body was placed at he could easily thread his fingers through the other boy's hair, and while his eyes were open the view of the bright lights of the bathroom were blurry, the white tiled floor and smooth ceiling interspersed with the sharp glare and Changkyun couldn't really tell what was real anymore. It was only a few seconds later that there came a hand on his thigh, gentle guiding fingers pressing into the back of his jeans and the rough fabric of a bandage scraping along the denim. 

Automatically Changkyun gasped, letting the older boy cup his leg and pull it towards him and suddenly it's not just their bodies that are moving together but their hips too, and even through his jeans the friction was _just right_ and he couldn't quite believe that Hoseok was doing this, that they were doing this. His hands were gripping at the older boys hair, pressing his hot kisses into his neck and rolling his hips up and his entire body was on fire and really, was this what he'd been missing out on?

In any other situation Changkyun might have been embarrassed at the uneven whimper that sounded when his breath hitched, but as it was the immediate tightening of Hoseok's body underneath him was enough to make him realise that maybe it had been something good.

“If you want me to stop, just say,” Hoseok's voice was low and rough and different to anything he’d heard before, his breath sending a shiver down his spine as the words coasted across the sensitive skin just by his ear.

And, all of a sudden, Changkyun was caught between two places. The idea that this could go further, the fantasy of just what would happen if it did and how amazingly _alive_ he'd feel, but at the same time this kissing came with feeling and these hip grinds had emotions and so while he was loving it he was also so, incredibly overwhelmed.

For the first time in a very long time, however, Changkyun didn't want to run away from the feelings.

“Don't stop,” He replied, a pleading undertone in his voice that he hadn't realised he was capable of using. It worked though and soon enough Hoseok's hand was tugging on his thigh and the fingers that had found their way under his waistband at the back slipped tantalizingly further across his bare skin.

Maybe it was the high that made it feel so good, maybe not. He wouldn’t know, his mind was swimming and all he cared about was more. He was pushing his hips up and letting out stuttering gasps and feeling the way Hoseok tensed under his skin, revelling in the way his muscles moved, and he didn't really know what he was doing but there was the distant sound of metal against metal as his fumbling fingers untangled themselves from the other boys disheveled hair to find his belt.

Hoseok pulled back from his neck with a strained sound in the back of his throat, moving his hands from where they'd slipped under his waistband and cupped the back of his thigh to push them under his top again, steadying his waist with cold fingers as they both caught their breath. Changkyuns hands were frozen on his belt but he too had to steady his heart rate. The room he saw over the other boy's shoulder was spinning far too much, and maybe it was the high making his skin light on fire, maybe it was the high magnifying every little touch and sound and pressure.

Maybe he just enjoyed it.

"Changkyun, I-" Hoseok breathed right up against his neck, hot and wet and ragged, but his breath sounded strangely distant in Changkyun’s head as if he was being spoken to underwater or through the tinny music of headphones. He felt so far gone and he loved it. "I'm going to, ah- say something to you right now,”

"What is it?," Changkyun could barely get the words out, so preoccupied how he was feeling his body in an entirely new way.

“I just wanna be clear-” Hoseok’s hands tightened on his waist. “To be clear that there's no pressure, you, you can say no-” He spoke with his lips brushing his skin and the sensation caused shivers to dance down his spine.

“Hoseok?” Changkyun asked, lungs aching from his quick breaths and anxiety forming in the pit of his stomach. He sounded serious, and he was never as serious as this. “What is it?”

“You'll answer honestly?” The older boy’s voice was questioning and maybe a little unsure. 

“Of course,” Changkyun squirmed under his touch because he'd just gone from feeling everything to this teasing stand still and he wanted to feel everything again so very badly.

“You wouldn't lie to me, right kid? Not even to make me happy even if you don't want to?”

“No, never,” Changkyun was so far gone he couldn't even process what he was saying anymore. All that he knew was that Hoseok was making him feel and he didn't want it to stop. “I'd never lie to you Hoseok,”

“You promise?” He breathed right against his ear, breath brushing his neck and causing a shudder to run down his spine and his hands to snag in his mess of bleached hair.

“I promise,”

Maybe it should have scared him how easily he lied. Maybe it should have worried him how such a heavy promise rolled so nicely off his tongue, but his mouth tasted like salt and alcohol and lingering blueberry and all he could think of was more.

The silence that stretched out really only lasted a few seconds, the small bathroom filled with their heavy breathing as they were both frozen in position.

Until Hoseok finally spoke, and it was both a statement and a question mumbled right by his ear.

“Let's sleep in my room tonight,”


	10. so good baby

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been through some stuff these months. recently had surgery which has got me back into writing (strange, i know)
> 
> TW: use of a homophobic slur  
> the sexuality descriptions, opinions and experiences are that of characters and do not reflect all experiences/ideals/definitions  
> this launches straight into badly written smut, by the way - it's not my strong point but at least im trying. halfway through my writing gets infinitely better so just.. hold on i guess? 
> 
> enjoy <3

Opening a closed door with one hand while trying to take a shirt off with the other was easier said than done, especially when there were already cold hands gripping his face and frantic kisses being pressed to his mouth.

Hoseok hadn’t expected Changkyun to say okay, but he had.

Changkyun had said okay in that high, breathless voice of his that sent his mind spinning into a frenzy of forbidden thoughts, and not a moment later they were stumbling into his dimly lit room across the corridor still attached at the lips while the younger boy tugged hurriedly on his top as if he wanted to rip it off.

Hoseok pulled back for a second to cross his arms and pull the material over his head. Throwing it to the side without a second thought, his searching eyes landed on Changkyun’s pretty, flushed face as he stepped backwards and dragged Hoseok by his belt loops.

For whatever reason, the other boy seemed to want this more than ever before. There was something agitated in his need, something frenzied in his kisses.

Hoseok wasn’t complaining in the slightest.

It wasn’t long before Changkyun had his arms wrapped around his neck and Hoseok’s guiding hand was lowering him back onto the bed, the smoothed covers wrinkling under both their weight as Hoseok slot one thigh between his legs and they moved in tandem, indulgent kisses giving way to breathless pants and pretty gasps as the biker grazed his teeth against the other boys lips.

He pushed one hand under his top while the other held himself upright and Changkyun turned his head to the side as if encouraging him to kiss his neck.

Hoseok wasted no time in complying, mouthing at the soft skin and feeling the delightful way Changkyun let out a shuddering whimper and pushed his hands into his hair. The younger boy was so responsive, so sensitive, but Hoseok supposed it was just that they had never been this heated before. He’d never not held back with Changkyun and now he’d been given permission to do as he liked he was not throwing away the opportunity to suck pretty red marks on his neck and leave him a mess beneath him.

“More,” Changkyun demanded, breathless, hands tugging on his hair and exposing his neck further.

Smiling against his skin Hoseok did as he was told, teasing kisses right up to where the hem of Changkyun’s shirt lay wrinkled against his body. With the hand holding his hip - the one without a bandage - he inched up the fabric so it bunched around his ribcage, shifting his whole body down so he could start pressing kisses to the pale skin of his sternum.

Changkyun was so beautiful, Hoseok thought with a smile. So absolutely, overwhelmingly, surreally beautiful.

Hoseok kissed the skin all the way down to his navel, relishing in the shuddering breaths of the boy underneath him as he did so, and then all of a sudden there was a tug on his hair and their lips met even more passionately than before. It was indulgent, heated, fuelled by the bare skin of their stomachs pressing together and the hot atmosphere building like a smouldering stick of dynamite around them.

When Changkyun’s cold fingers stopped tracing his stomach and went to undo his belt, Hoseok didn’t stop them. When they unthreaded the buckle, thumbed the button with shaking hands and kissed him harder than ever before, Hoseok didn’t stop him.

When Changkyun finally touched him, Hoseok lurched forward with a gasp.

It was involuntarily how he reacted, his lips opening in a groan as Changkyun palmed him through his boxers – not enough for anything more than his body to shudder in pleasure, but enough to have his hips canting forward and his mind buzzing with flashes of colour.

It was staggering to be touched by somebody else after so long, he thought he’d go insane from every frantic movement of the other boy’s hand.

“Changkyun,” He lost all sense of direction when cold fingers slipped under the hem of his pants and caressed his bare skin.

“Am I doing something wrong?” The younger boy breathed, voice wavering, suddenly insecure.

“No,” Hoseok clenched his jaw and tried not to collapse as there came a tug. “Right. You’re doing something right.”

It occurred to Hoseok that this might have been Changkyun’s first time doing, well, anything. It made him feel strangely responsible.

Their lips met again and it was even more fervent, Hoseok making raw, needy sounds everytime Changkyun grew more confident with the movement of his hand, and the biker could tell when he began to learn and explore because suddenly his arms were shaking and he was breathing heavy and god – Changkyun was _good_ .

With a frown he realised he still had his jeans on and it was an awkward struggle to get them off as they kissed, Changkyun momentarily letting go of his length to fumble at his own zipper, allowing Hoseok throw his clothes haphazardly to the side while he tugged his own jeans off and leaving them both in just their pants.

The entire room was hot. It was so hot, and Changkyun was panting and Hoseok was groaning and their kisses grew messy as it escalated fast.

All of a sudden, Changkyun mumbled something against his lips.

Three simple, breathless words.

“I want you.”

“Kid,” he choked out in response, one hand holding his arching waist firmly and the other keeping himself off the bed.

“Now. Now, I’m ready,” Changkyun stopped moving his hand to open his eyes. With a frown Hoseok realised his pupils were dilated and cheeks flushed more than they should be but he let the thought go without a concern. It had been so long since he’d been with anybody - he’d forgotten how intensity could drive somebody mad so quickly.

“Have you ever…?”

“No. No, but I want to, with you,” Changkyun pressed kisses to his jaw, ran his hands all over his body in a way that drove Hoseok insane. Every dance of cold fingers against his burning skin whipped the thoughts into his head into a wild frenzy of need.

Hoseok didn’t have to be told twice.

Changkyun laughed dizzily when Hoseok swung off him to fumble through his bedside drawer, shuffling up the bed and then laying sprawled there, shirt bunched under his arms, a sheen of sweat on his flushed face, chest moving with each excited breath and tent obvious in his pants.

God, he was so beautiful.

Hoseok was quick to pull out the bottle and condoms, and he laughed when Changkyun started playing with a packet in his euphoria. He seemed happier than he’d ever seen him, more at ease than he’d ever hope for.

It made Hoseok happy, seeing him like that. Seeing how far he’d come.

When Hoseok was hovering over him again Changkyun grabbed his face and brought him in for another kiss, letting out noises that caused Hoseok’s dick to jump and stomach drop three hundred feet underground.

“I have to stretch you out,” Hoseok mumbled. For all of his active sex life he’d always been open about safety and, most importantly, making the other person feel comfortable. He felt strange being the top after so long, but it was obvious through Changkyun’s permissive nod that that’s exactly what the younger boy wanted.

Hoseok didn’t look when Changkyun hurriedly removed his pants – leaving him sprawled on the bed with just a t-shirt on his slim frame – as he began exploring with lubed fingers the moment he settled back down. He felt how Changkyun chased the gentle way Hoseok wrapped his hand around his length and tugged slowly, he felt the way his hips arched suddenly and his brown eyes flew open with a wide gasp.

“Pretty,” Hoseok murmured – perhaps out loud, perhaps in his head, before he began exploring elsewhere.

“This might hurt a bit,” he warned softly, rubbing at the spot he had found without trouble.

“Just do it,” Changkyun pleaded.

At one finger the boy under him tensed, and Hoseok kissed gently along his neck and whispered encouraging words until his body relaxed into it. At two he was squirming slightly, mouth parted, eyes glazed and breathing stuttering. By the third he was gasping, little pangs of sound interspersed with whimpers as he stretched to accommodate what he presumably never had before.

When Hoseok pushed a little deeper Changkyun’s entire body jerked and he let out the prettiest, most delicate moan Hoseok had ever heard.

“You’re doing so good baby,” Hoseok mouthed at the soft skin just below his ear and smiled when the boy exhaled with a whine. “You like that name?” He asked, gently moving, distracting with his words.

There came a pitched whimper and a nod.

“You’re doing so good, baby boy,” Hoseok said softly, voice heavy with emotion, sweat already beading on his brow as his chest filled with warmth. “Do you think you’re ready?”

“Yes,” Changkyun breathed, squirming, wrapping his arms around Hoseok’s chest as if to hurry him up. “Please. For fuck’s sake Hoseok, I’ll die if you don’t hurry up, I really will.”

Hoseok laughed softly and pulled out, comforting Changkyun’s objective whine with promises that he just needed protection.

When Hoseok had slipped the condom on and wiped his hands – not the most elegant part of sleeping with somebody but needed nonetheless – he moved back to hover over Changkyun and gently guided his legs up, the blushing younger boy complying.

Hoseok could cry at how trusting Changkyun was. How, despite his obvious self-conscious nature, he was prepared to be so utterly exposed to him. How he was prepared to give his all.

“Are you ready?” He asked finally, voice stripped to reveal layers of vulnerability he didn’t realise he had.

Changkyun could still reject him. Leave him wanting, alone, desperate and hurt. Every part of Hoseok that he had kept guarded was on the line at that moment and he waited with his breath held as Changkyun’s searching gaze met his.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Changkyun whispered back.

Hoseok lined up and pushed inside him.

Slow at first – just the tip, enough to have Changkyun grasping at his hair – and by the time he’d managed to bottom out the younger boy’s face was screwed up uncomfortably and he was panting heavily. Despite the overwhelming pressure, the tight warmth that was ready to drive him insane, Hoseok stayed as still as possible and let Changkyun relax with a slow exhale, hands loosening their tug on his hair to dig nails into his back instead. He tensed again when Hoseok moved, once again slow, cautious, but this time he was quicker to breathe steadily again. It wasn’t long before he was squirming and canting his hips up, the leg that Hoseok was holding shuddering in pleasure.

Slowly but surely Hoseok began to thrust – the speed and tightness driving him insane and leaving him barely held together by loose strings –but it didn’t take much time for Changkyun to start letting out breathy moans between tense breaths as he grew used to the feeling and began to crave more.

Hoseok guided his legs further apart to push deeper, chasing the warm wetness that was causing his intoxicated brain to spin wildly, and Changkyun’s hands flew backwards to grasp at the sheets, the top bunched around his midriff exposing pretty skin and craned neck showing off where Hoseok has sucked marks earlier

For the third time that evening, Hoseok was stuck by just how beautiful Changkyun was.

“Please, don’t hold back,” Changkyun panted, squirming, arching his back into Hoseok’s slow movements.

Hoseok could never say no to Changkyun.

Soon they were both a mess, faded orange hair strewn across the blanket as Hoseok pushed and pulled faster, his own quiet, raw exhales complimenting the pretty moans spilling from parted pink lips. It was hard to lean over him in the position they had found and they kissed awkwardly, messily, Changkyun’s fists grasping the blanket and Hoseok’s hands holding his legs higher, mind reeling at the pressure, the heat making his skin buzz and the pressure almost driving him insane. The room sounded like skin upon skin and rumbles low in his chest and the way Changkyun tried to catch his breath on the rhythm of each stoke as he asked for more.

At some point he found himself holding Changkyun’s hands trapped above his head as they both panted, lips sometimes touching, bodies moving in tandem, and it was all too much for Changkyun when he began chasing his climax and he let out a keening whimper. “Hoseok.”

“You’re doing so good baby,” Hoseok mumbled, hands entwined, the moment strangely intimate for such an act. “I’m so proud of you. So, so proud.”

“Mm, ah-” Changkyun’s body shuddered at the praise and he pushed his hips higher, earning a needy groan from Hoseok’s throat as he bottomed out once again. “I’m gonna- Fuck, fuck-”

“It’s okay baby. Come. Don’t worry, I’m here,” Hoseok wasn’t even processing his own words, the sweat sticky on his forehead and the flush on Changkyuns cheeks driving him insane, but it only took those few sentences to have Changkyun gripping his hands tight and back arching with a gasp, hips stuttering and chest heaving as he came across his stomach. His pretty moans tapered off into whimpers before coming to a stop completely.

Hoseok let him relax before pulling out – not realising that he hadn’t reached his climax, not really caring all the same - but then suddenly there was a hand tugging the condom off and stroking his length, coaxing him just over the edge, a familiar drowsy voice mumbling in his ear about how he wanted to make him feel good too.

He came quickly, which was not a surprise, mind whiting out and muscles shaking as he held himself above Changkyun, before eventually collapsing to the side of the younger boy and laying there panting, sweaty and exhausted. His veins thrummed with alcohol and adrenaline vision throbbing and hands tingling with where Changkyun had gripped him so hard his nails had pressed little crescents into his skin.

Holy shit. Holy _fucking_ shit _._

After a moment of quiet bliss filled only by their heavy exhales he moved to ask if Changkyun was okay, finding the younger boy struggling sitting up with a dazed look in his eye, hair dishevelled, neck blooming pretty reds and mess all down his front.

“Holy fuck,” Changkyun whispered, voice hoarse from the sounds he had been making before. If he was honest Hoseok would be surprised if the neighbours hadn’t heard him and if they hadn’t they’d certainly heard the bedframe rock. The walls were thin in his apartment complex.

“I know,” Hoseok breathed, catching the younger boys eye and then both of them broke out into euphoric, drowsy grins. Changkyun was even shaky just sat up and when Hoseok realised he was in no position to help himself he set about being an adult. “C’mon then kid, we made a bit of a mess, hmm? Let’s get cleaned up.”

“Can we sleep after?” Changkyun asked with wide eyes.

“Of course kid.”

“I need a cigarette.”

Hoseok laughed softly, shook his head in disbelief, and began searching the floor for his clothes.

The got cleaned up relatively quickly. Hoseok had always been one for aftercare – sex was only good when they enjoy the before and after too – and so he mostly let Changkyun rest as he put the lube away, wiped them both down with a damp cloth and thanked his previous self that neither of them had finished on the sheets because he was in no position to clean that up. At some point he managed to get the tired boy into some clothes by handing him back his briefs to pull over his body before giving him one of his own tops to wear instead of his stained one. The garment was far too big but Changkyun didn’t seem to mind and so, with the younger boy exhausted in a top far too big for him and Hoseok only in a pair of loose chequered bottoms, he pulled the covers over the other before climbing into bed himself.

Hoseok tired not to remember the last time he’d slept in his own bed with somebody else by his side.

Changkyun seemed to be longing for some kind of comfort. Acting on instinct, he gently let his arm wrap around his waist to pull him close. The body heat was nice and the position tender and intimate, Changkyun letting out a contented tired sigh and relaxing into his arms without hesitation. Hoseok couldn’t tell which was better; the sex or the aftermath. The warm feeling in his chest seemed to like both.

“Hoseok?” Changkyun breathed softly, tone so quiet it was hard to hear.

“Yeah kid?” Hoseok replied, his voice as gentle as he could make it, the arm draped over him pulling him closer. There was something in the vulnerability of his tone that filled him with the overwhelming desire to protect.

“Was I good?” Changkyun murmured faintly.

Hoseok's heart threatened to break at how vulnerable he sounded.

“You were so good baby, so good,” he reassured softly. “The best even. You did amazing kid.”

“Really?”

“Mm, really,” Hoseok smiled at the thought. “Did you enjoy it?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it felt so good,” In his mind's eye Hoseok could picture the pretty blush blooming on his cheeks. “Thank you Hoseok,”

“What for?”

“For helping me,” Changkyun said with a sniff. “Putting up with me. I don’t deserve it, really, I don’t.”

Hoseok shook his head blearily and wrapped his arm tighter around him. “Shh, you be quiet. You deserve everything good, okay baby? I’d do whatever it takes to give you the whole world, did you know that?”

Changkyun hummed in acknowledgement and then yawned. “Let’s keep baby to the bedroom, okay?”

The chuckle that escaped his lips was barely audible as he felt himself edging sleep. “Whatever you want kid.”

They were silent for a few minutes after, Hoseok’s breathing growing steady and his mind slipping in and out of consciousness.

“Changkyun?” Hoseok said softly, barely audible in his mumble.

“Mm?”

“Do you promise to still be here in the morning?”

There was a pause. Changkyuns breathing stuttered and Hoseok’s cheek throbbed where a fist had connected earlier.

“I promise” He whispered, voice filled with raw emotion. “Goodnight Hoseok.”

“Night, Changkyun. Sleep well.”

They didn’t talk after that but Hoseok was awake long enough to hear the boy’s breathing steady as his exhausted body fell prey to sleep. He fit so snugly in his arms, so perfectly against his body, like puzzle pieces glued together at the seam.

Hoseok never allowed himself to be happy, but maybe, just this once, he did.

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

 

Hoseok was used to waking up cold and in his clothes, belt digging red grooves into his stomach and back aching from his cheap couch. He was also used to waking up hungover, and so while his pounding head and aching eyes were of no difference to him, the soft fabric draped over his body and the feeling of somebody held loosely in his arms was all too confusing for the early time of day.

As it was, when Hoseok finally managed to peel open his tired eyes and let them adjust to the dimness of his windowless bedroom, he was met with a shock of faded orange hair and dark roots strewn messily over the pillow in front of him. It only took him a few seconds to realise it was Changkyun and a few more for the events of the previous night to come crashing back down.

He had slept with Changkyun.

Hoseok had _slept_ with _Changkyun_ . His Changkyun, the one with the pretty pink lips and wide eyes and a deep voice that rose three pitches when he asked for more. The boy who hadn’t left his mind for more than a few minutes at a time the past two months had gripped at his bare shoulders so hard last night Hoseok was sure there would be marks if he bothered to check.

Hoseok had slept with Changkyun, and it had been amazing. It wasn’t even because it had been so long since he had gone there with anybody and it was a release of frustrations far too long bottled up, but it had genuinely been _good_ . Hoseok wanted to imprint every second of the previous night on his body, wanted to map out where Changkyun had touched him with his own fingers, wanted to feel the same things as long as he kept breathing.

The night previously, Hoseok had allowed himself to want Changkyun. Seeing him looking so pretty curled up in his arms he began to realise that the strange feeling didn’t seem to want to go away.

The gentle rise and fall of his chest and the cute way his hands gripped the blankets filled Hoseok’s chest with warmth, and though his small apartment meant the bedroom lacked a window, the messy spread of his hair and the bright light of his lamp he’d left on the night before reminded him of dappled sunlight on bed covers. He didn’t think he’d ever been this close to him without other distractions before, and despite his dry mouth and pounding head, he was determined to make the most of it.

He stared at long enough to count his eyelashes spread across the dark circles under his eyes and notice two little moles on his neck he hadn’t before. With a soft hand he ghosted his fingertip over the delicate pockets of scars flecked across his cheeks and he smiled because he knew Changkyun didn’t like the remains of his acne when Hoseok wouldn’t change a thing.

When his eyelids fluttered at the touch Hoseok pulled his hand back and watched as he slowly woke up, nerves twisting his stomach into messy knots. For some reason he wasn’t ready for him to wake up, wasn't ready for loud words or quick actions to shatter the snapshot of peace he had captured in his mind.

The moment the boy's eyes opened they found Hoseok’s gaze like they had already been searching.

God. Changkyun had the biggest brown eyes.

“Morning kid,” Hoseok couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face as he spoke in rough tones. His voice was always croaky in the morning, a little thanks to tiredness and a little thanks to alcohol.

Changkyun blinked once. Then twice. He wet his lips with his tongue as his puffy eyes grew used to the light.

"Morning," he whispered in reply.

They stared at each other for a tentative few seconds and for the first time Hoseok was worried. What if Changkyun regretted it? The taste of rejection was already bitter in his mouth because he _knew_ how this went, he knew that even though the boy with faded orange hair had promised to be by his side in the morning he hadn’t promised to _stay_ there. People left all the time, and that was okay with Hoseok – really, it was – but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d wanted someone to stay so badly.

And then Changkyun broke out into the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. It was all crinkled puffy eyes and fluffy hair and Hoseok swore his heart skipped a beat.

Oh, God. He was so fucked.

“Sleep well?” Hoseok asked gently.

Changkyun nodded slowly before shifting his hands from where they rested on Hoseok's chest to rub at his face. Upon doing so he seemed to freeze at the sight of his palms swamped by Hoseok's shirt and he looked up in drowsy surprise. The expression on his face was almost worried. “Did we really..?”

“Mhmm,” Hosek confirmed, using his hand to gently brush the hair away from the younger boy’s face. “Why do you look so worried kid?”

Changkyun smiled again.

“Mm not a kid anymore,” He almost seemed to laugh in disbelief.

“Whatever you say,” Hoseok chuckled, teasing, and the sound grew louder when the younger boy rolled his eyes and pushed away from his cradling arms to clamber out of his side of the bed. With a frown Hoseok watched Changkyun stretch and force himself to stand shakily. Hoseok realised what he was looking for when he was suddenly crouching by his jeans piled on the floor and, with a shake of his head and fond grin, he pushed himself up into a sitting position on the messy bed.

“Light me one?” Hoseok questioned, smiling when Changkyun bit his lip endearingly as he fiddled with the stick already in his hand and then passed it to him without hesitation. Changkyun grinned at him - eyes lighting up as he rest a stick in his mouth - before he was suddenly up on his feet and stumbling towards the bathroom. Hoseok sighed contentedly as he watched him leave.

He was undeniably perfect. If Hoseok hadn’t been so distracted by the thought of the low voice that had mumbled his name in his ear and tugged on his hair the night before he might have bothered to take a few more drags from his cigarette. As it was the stick burned without so much as a breath, and he brushed away the ash from his duvet before pulling himself out of bed.

He spent a short time in the bathroom washing his face and brushing his teeth with Changkyun next to him. Occasionally their eyes would meet in the mirror and Hoseok would pull a face, and each time Changkyun almost choked on the spare toothbrush Hoseok had provided in tired laughter.

Hoseok wondered when the number of toothbrushes he had in his apartment had doubled from one to two, and why one of them was Changkyun's. The thought didn’t bother him much.

He left the younger boy alone to clean up as he padded into the kitchen after throwing on a loose shirt and went about his usual routine of taking two bowls from the cupboard by the sink and haphazardly shaking in the little orange flakes from the box he kept on the counter. He made a brief note to buy some more the next time he was out as he opened the fridge to grab the carton of milk placed on the shelf inside.

Hoseok’s stomach sank the second he looked inside.

The bottles were right there.

One of them was already open.

The glass was glinting under the bright lights of the kitchen, pretty reflections dancing on the green glass and dulled on the metal of the cans. They were staring at him like always, whispering in his ear, enough to make him reach forward a tentative hand and pull one from its shelf.

The feeling of it in his hands was so comfortingly familiar. Smooth glass, divots under his fingertips from the small rises of the label. He knew his habit had started because he had wanted to forget things not pleasant to remember, and that even before it was excessive but not a _problem_ . Never a problem. It would only become a problem if it hurt to stop, if dependency ensured.

Hoseok wasn’t _dependant._ He just kind of almost needed a drink – it was what he thought about constantly, if he went for a ride or out with Jooheon. When could he drink next? What could he drink next? How could he time it so he wouldn’t go too far?

Except, Hoseok realised with a frown, that he hadn’t thought about alcohol yet that morning. His first thought upon waking up hadn’t been when could he drink again, it had been about how pretty Changkyun looked in the morning with his corkscrewed hair and puffy eyes.

The glass glinted pretty in his hand but the eyelashes framing Changkyun's face were prettier.

He held his breath as he put the bottle back on the shelf and picked up the carton of milk.

The internal monologue raging in his mind went unnoticed by the younger boy as he shuffled into the kitchen in an ill-fitting top and baggy bottoms. It wasn’t like the both of them had much difference in height but Hoseok was a lot wider and the shirt hung off his shoulders enough to show dappled red marks forming where lips had sucked the night before. God, he was so close to wrapping an arm around his waist and pressing another kiss to his smooth skin-

Changkyun snatched the bowl of Frosties the older boy had held out to him with a wrinkle of his nose.

“I have a bone to pick with you,” he grumbled - voice rough from sleep.

Hoseok frowned, all thoughts of pressing him against the counter disapparating as he watched the way he spooned Frosties into his mouth. “You what kid?”

“I ache. Like, everywhere,” Changkyun looked up at him with a mischievous glint in his eye and after he’d finished his first mouthful of cereal he poked his spoon in his general direction. “Before you say some shit, shut up, I ain’t finished. I ache like, everywhere, and last night was still one of the best nights of my life.”

Hoseok laughed and directed his gaze back to his Frosties. “Did you really like it?”

“Yes,” he said decisively.

“I liked it too kid. Ain't half been a while.”

Changkyun smiled.

And he thought, that’s it. That was the smile he wanted to see every morning. He didn’t ever want to wake up to an empty apartment again. He wanted to wake up with Changkyun by his side every day just so he could see his acne scars and tired eyes crinkle from across his small apartment.

The early afternoon light streamed through the small window, whisking up dust in its cloudy gaze, the weak rays of sun skimmed over the corners of the bar and highlighted the back of the old sofa. He didn’t mean to smile quite so wide as he did thinking of the boy in front of him, but when he did a grimace painted his face as his cheek throbbed faintly. Changkyun’s keen eyes caught everything and he reached up to stroke the tender skin after setting his bowl on the counter.

Jooheon. The fight. He'd forgotten.

"Does it hurt?” the younger boy asked softly, the hazy light making his skin soft around the edges. “It looks painful."

Despite the painful prickling sensation at the touch of Changkyun's hand, Hoseok shook his head. "I'm fine. Really, kid. I'm fine. I know it looks shit but it's just a bruise - I've had worse and it'll be gone in a week, no sweat."

"You should apologise to Jooheon," Changkyun said quietly, pulling away his hand, and yet when Hoseok opened his mouth to protest he frowned and began talking again. "You made me be a good friend. I better do the same to you."

"But what he said-"

"Hoseok," The older boy felt the ghost of his breath across his cheek. He smelt like mint toothpaste. “Listen to me, okay? Don’t be a bad friend. Apologise. I don’t care what he said, please, just.. please.”

The silence was brief but heavy, and with a sigh Hoseok moved away from Changkyun’s gentle touch to place his bowl in the sink. He didn’t want to wash away the happiness of last night so soon but there was a question burning his tongue like liquor all the same.

“I ain’t the word he said, right?” He asked quietly, hands braced on the edge of the counter as he stared at the tap. It wasn’t running.

“..What?”

Hoseok took a shaky breath and closed his eyes. “I’m not an… an alcoholic, right?”

Changkyun didn’t say anything.

The biker wondered if that was it. If the brief few moments of happiness he had allowed himself to want were already slipping through his fingertips like sand, and some part of his mind thought of how unfair it was that he was only granted a few hours of bliss. Surely that was unfair? Surely he deserved a little more oblivion?

All of a sudden there came the ghosting pressure of arms wrapping around his waist as Changkyun hugged him from behind, clasping his hands across his stomach and resting his head on his back.

“You’re warm in the morning,” Changkyun mumbled against his neck.

Hoseok laughed and shook his head in fond disbelief. “That’s all you want to say?”

“Laugh again. It feels funny,” The younger boy mumbled, the vibrations of his speech travelling through Hoseok’s back and he distantly felt his hands grow tighter where they wrapped around his waist.

“What if I don’t want to kid?”

It was almost funny how Hoseok could visualise the perplexed frown on the other’s face. In fact, he had readied another quip to throw when he felt fingers twitch at his stomach and he jerked back in surprise.

“You’re ticklish!” Changkyun exclaimed, throwing an accusatory finger in his direction while he stood panting with his back against the cupboard.

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“I swear to fucking God kid, if you try and tickle me again I’m taking you to preschool tomorrow.”

The mock betrayal on Changkyuns face was evident and Hoseok didn’t even hold back his smile at how cute the furrow of his brow was. “I’m not a kid,” he said, flustered and a little perturbed.

“You fuckin’ are.” The amused twist of his mouth threatened to expose his teasing.

“You weren’t saying last night that when you were-” Without warning Changkyun slapped his hands over his mouth but the crescent of his eyes gave away that he was laughing under the blockage.

Hoseok raised a challenging eyebrow. “When I was what?”

“Nothing,” He answered quickly.

“Kid-”

“Nothing!” All of a sudden the younger boy grabbed his wrist and began to tug. For some reason his hands were cold, and Hoseok knew if he were to inspect the skin he’d see scabbed fingernails and cracked knuckles. “Let’s go outside.”

“But you didn’t answer me,” he protested weakly, already letting himself be dragged along by the smaller hand wrapped around his wrist. Perhaps he should have been less willing to allow himself to be pulled out his own front door and down the many stairs of his apartment building, but, as it was, he could only muster a defeated sigh as Changkyun sped up and he was forced to follow, their steps growing heavier with each passing second and creating a clatter in the hallway that would probably wake the neighbours.

“Wait!” Hoseok stopped abruptly, the tips of his toes edged on the dirty doorframe of his apartment buildings entrance as Changkyun pushed out into the street and let go of his wrist. “I’m not wearing any shoes.”

The younger boy shrugged. “Neither am I,” he answered. From his lips there came the billowing cloud of cold air whisked away by the gentle breeze and the weak rays of early afternoon coloured his skin a delicate blue-rose.

Sure enough, when Hoseok fixed his gaze on his feet he saw they were indeed bare, already an angry red where the skin pressed into the rough concrete that can’t have been warm on a cloudless winter noon.

“I’m not going outside without shoes on,” he stated bluntly and when he shivered and hugged his own body he belatedly realised he’d left his jacket up seven flights of stairs in his apartment. The rush of blood from hurtling down those steps had already receded, leaving him cold and his nose already stuffy, stood at the doorstep in his pyjamas and bed hair.

“Why not?” Changkyun fired back. “I wore a blindfold for you.”

“That was different!” God, Hoseok was regretting not taking that drink. He wasn’t usually this antagonised early in the morning. “I had a cute Christmas surprise set up for you, lights and everything! That was a cheesy as fuck romantic gesture and not a road to fucking frostbite- ah!”

His speech was cut off abruptly as he stumbled onto the cold concrete, the slip in his footing caused by a hand suddenly pulling hard at his own.

“See? It’s not that bad,” Changkyun shrugged.

Utter disbelief was the only way to describe his facial expression. Not that bad? The stone was so cold under his feet the pain was instantaneous and the pinpricks of ice and gravel digging into the soft skin was almost unbearable. It wasn’t enough that Changkyun’s chilled fingers gripped his warm ones tight, but the bitter chill of winter nipped at his exposed arms and raised goosebumps along his pale skin, leaving him shivering and teeth chattering with the air misting in front of him.

“How the fucking hell do you do this, fuck-” said Hoseok, shuffling from one foot to the other and grimacing in pain. It was so _cold_ and he hadn’t counted on the concrete being so grating. “I’m downing a beer after this, the minute we get back to the apartment-”

“Shut up,” Changkyun rolled his eyes although there was no malice in his words, and the older boy continued to shiver at the biting temperature as the one holding his hand seemingly stood calm and composed. “Feel it. Feel the pain.”

“Oh, I’m feeling it alright-”

“Now look at me.” All of a sudden cold hands were either side of his face and only Changkyun seemed to exist, confined within the small space between them and the soft sound of his words.

Speechless, all Hoseok could do was stare. If he was honest with himself he had probably mapped out every shadow and curve of his face in his mind but seeing Changkyun’s nose red from the cold and the circles under his eyes and the pretty way his chapped lips parted as he breathed he could only think of was how stupid it was that somebody was allowed to be that beautiful.

“You feel that?” Changkyun breathed.

“Feel what?” His voice was quiet as if scared to break the silence.

“Exactly,” Warm, wet breath misted in his face and condensed on his cheeks. “Your feet hurt, remember? It’s easy to forget to feel when you have a distraction.”

For a second Hoseok stood frozen at such a profound statement before Changkyun was grinning and pulling away. It took a second for him to realise what the younger boy had done but the moment he saw what was in his hand he let out a defeated sigh.

“Does your mum know you do that?” Hoseok asked, voice exasperated, gaze fixed on the packet of Pink Kings Changkyun had slipped from the pocket of his pyjama bottoms when he’d been close.

“My mum don’t even know you exist.” His expression was both youthful and smug as he flicked the lighter on the end of the cigarette wedged between his teeth.

They stood in comfortable silence. His feet were fucking freezing and he kept tentatively shifting from one foot to the other in an attempt to stop the stinging pain and scratches at his skin. How did Changkyun stand it? The younger boy’s feet were always bruised, his hands always cold and his fingernails always raw. Didn’t it hurt him? Did he even care?

Upon thinking of Changkyun he fixed his gaze on his form – a silhouette of delicate edges and small stature, thin frame swamped in big clothes and one arm hugging his stomach, prettily outlined by the icy winter sun and seemingly alone on the unusually quiet street. Standing in the bitter cold watching as he nudged a rock with his foot and scanned the horizon, cigarette held casually in one hand and eyes hazy with thought, Hoseok was struck by how artistic the whole scene was.

Like a painting waiting to be produced.

It was slow the way it crept up on him. The breath that previously fogged the window he was looking through slowly began to dissipate. There was something striking in the way Changkyun shifted his weight and blew smoke into the air as if he were gently blowing out a candle, something longing and wistful in his boyish face dark with a tender energy. It was as if the youth he held in his hands was bleeding through the cracks in the concrete below and he was watching it run with a smile.

That image alone was enough to make Hoseok's eyes narrow thoughtfully and his hands twitch where they hugged his body as he imagined a familiar tool held between his fingertips.

“Do you ever think you don’t deserve to be in a place like this?”

Changkyuns rough voice brought him out his daydream and he met his gaze. The end of his cigarette was smouldering at the butt now, and Hoseok vaguely wondered why he hadn’t asked to light one either. It would have warmed him up.

“What d’you mean kid?” he asked casually.

“Well.. you’re an artist, right?” Changkyun waved the burnt stick and his eyes flit to the sky as if he were looking for an answer. “Sometimes I just think the world is too beautiful for me. I don’t appreciate it the way I should so.. so why should I be in it, you know?” All of a sudden he stopped speaking and his forehead creased as he looked at him in guarded concern. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Cos you ain’t half a work of art, kid,” Hoseok breathed, not stopping to think about his wistful words but not regretting his slip of tongue either. “I’d be more concerned with appreciating beauty if I didn’t wake up next to it this morning.”

The pretty blush that bloomed on Changkyun’s cheeks was perhaps the best thing the biker had ever seen and yet the younger boy stood, all of a sudden strangely vulnerable outside in too-big clothes and no shoes, and his cigarette stopped smoking as he stayed frozen with glassy eyes and red cheeks.

There was such a difference between his boisterous nature when he let himself out of his shell and the shy, insecure boy underneath.

Hoseok was afraid he was falling for them both.

“Hey, kid,” he said softly, wincing as he stepped forward on the rough concrete and gently slid his hands round to cup the edges of his jaw and tickle his slightly too long hair. “I mean it, okay? I do. I ain’t a liar,”

“You don’t mean it really,” he breathed, eyes wide and young, breath seemingly held.

Hoseok laughed in that soft, fond disbelief he so often found himself drowning in when around Changkyun, and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “I do. I promise I do.”

It was then that Changkyun ducked under his arm and left him standing there, cold and confused, hands still outstretched and fingers still warm from his skin.

When he turned around to ask what was wrong Changkyun was already inside, standing in the open doorway looking slightly shaken. A strange concoction of uneasiness began to brew in his stomach - he hadn't said anything wrong, had he? Why did Changkyun look so uncomfortable?

“C’mon!” The boy with the faded orange hair held open the door, face stretched into a teasing smile that seemed a little off. “I thought you said it was fucking freezing.”

Hoseok laughed and shook his head. “What if I like it out here, huh?” He opened his arms in challenge. “It’s so nice and refreshing to forget to feel!”

“Shut up!” Changkyun laughed – genuinely this time, any insecurity having been wiped from his face like dirt – and Hoseok felt his heart grow warm once again.

Of course he followed the younger boy inside. He never said no to him.

  
  


 

 

 

Later that evening his apartment was quiet, besides from the gentle clatter of bowls on the counter as Hoseok rinsed the dishes they used for their takeaway off in the sink. Changkyun was long gone - they’d laughed so hard his sides still hurt and his lips buzzed from kisses - having declined the offer of staying another night with a disappointed smile and worried mother waiting for him at home. Hoseok understood. He thought that, maybe, if he had somebody worried about him on the other side he might be tempted to let them know he was okay once in a while too.

The apartment was strangely silent without the company of another, and somewhere between drying his hands on the dish towel, taking his third beer from the fridge and making his way into his dim bedroom, he wondered when he had become so accustomed to Changkyun’s presence that it was hard to be alone again. He wondered when slinging an arm over the slim shoulders of a boy who always smelt like smoke had become as casual as levering the cap off a bottle.

There had been something he’d been meaning to do, ever since he’d seen Changkyun framed in the pretty light of morning, breath and smoke misting like a cloud in front of parted lips and closed eyes.

From under his bed he pulled the plastic box of paints and shifted himself until he was sat cross legged, can of Soju fizzing next to him from where it was placed on the carpet as he rifled through the art supplies until he came across the messy bundle of charcoal held together by a dirtied plastic band. The pad of paper was hidden behind where he'd propped the canvas the other night and while it should have felt familiar flicking through the cheap blank pages it just felt wrong. Desolate. The white sheets of paper should have been covered in sketches, not strange and mournfully empty, corners not even wrinkled and dust collected on the cover.

Did he feel bad for not drawing for so long? No.

Was he suddenly filled with the daunting urge to decorate every blank space with the pretty eyes of a certain boy?

Perhaps.

He'd forgotten the scratchy sound that charcoal made when his hands pulled a stick from the messy bundle, and even as he placed the excess back into the box he noticed his fingers were already dusted with fine powder. A sign he hadn't worked for a while - and a sign he had a lot to remember.

The first wave of apprehension hit him. Should he be doing this again? Surely he'd left that Hoseok in the past, way behind him in small classrooms and big college studios. There was no room in his life for art now. No room in his life for anything but the longing to forget and the itch for another drink.

The open page on his lap lay silently.

He stared at the canvas in front of him for however long it took his mind to envision the dynamics. He tried desperately hard to hold onto the sliver of inspiration that had latched onto his brain upon seeing Changkyun bathed in the hazy mist of winter sun, the icy hues slippery as he tried to grasp them with bare hands. For a moment after the brief determination had passed he sat defeated, grimacing and screwing his eyes shut.

It was hard to think. What had it been that caused his fingertips to twitch? What had he seen to make him long for charcoal in his hand?

Hoseok’s eyes flew open.

His side profile. The gentle slope of his forehead, the perfect nose, the lips with a pointed cupid's bow and catlike eyes.

Perfect.

After a few more seconds of staring at the blank page in his lap, brow knit together and can fizzing as he took a sip, he had it.

Hoseok bit his lip and began to draw.

  
  
  
  
  


 

 

The gentle patter of raindrops on concrete was a comforting sound from where he stood hunched under the metal outcrop of building held up by slim grey pillars. Each splash of water in the din of constant sound rebounded onto the toes of his boots and dribbled down the leather, etching clean lines in the dust and dirt that had dried after misuse.

The people out on the streets were mostly students with their heads buried under black hoods and hands shoved in pockets, clutching waterproof screens or huddling under umbrellas with earbuds firmly blocking out the sound of the rain. Despite it being New Years Eve it was only just beginning to get crowded – the weather was too treacherous to celebrate much festivities unless they were in crowded dorms with alcohol and friends, and while the sky wasn’t heavy it was cloudy and they’d be lucky if it cleared in time for the midnight fireworks.

Changkyun was currently cradling a paper bag under one arm and a cigarette in the other – end smouldering and smoke stuttering with the tell-tale sign of almost burning out. However, he was much more interested in the noisy blur of people passing by to care all that much.

“Channie, listen to me. If that’s how he's treating you then leave him-”

“-I can't _believe_ Christmas is over. Seems like the celebrations were just yesterday-”

“- my essay is due the day back. Shoulda done it before but you know Jihyun would have killed me if I didn't go to her stupid party-”

Rubbing out the embers of his cigarette with feet clad in his own shoes, Changkyun found himself shivering when a gust of wind blew raindrops his way and the bag he’d tucked under his arm rustled as he turned to push open the glass door behind him.

People watching didn’t seem to hold his interest anymore. Less concerned about other people’s lives, perhaps, when he was holding onto his with more than fingertips now.

Inside of the apartment building was the same as any other student-marketed housing block in central Seoul. It was close to the college, white corridors with light-grain doors and silver numbers etched into each of the surfaces, a little peephole underneath. After a boring elevator ride with a student who didn’t seem to want to look him in the eye he located the apartment number he needed - thirty four - and unrolled the crumpled edge of the damp paper bag he had clutched to his chest as he walked here. The contents seemed intact as he thumbed through them and he heaved a relieved sigh. It had taken him far too long to find everything for it to be ruined now.

He was going to get his best friend back.

He had to. Hyungwon had left him confused and worried and a little irritated, because he hadn’t _done_ anything but also maybe he had and it wasn’t like Hyungwon to be so cold and distant. If anything, the past few days had left him ruminating on the unresponsive phone call he’d had with the boy he’d known for over a decade where he’d shut down any concern with candid, curt answers and left him more concerned than he’d ever been.

He was so worried about his best friend, and he couldn’t help but feel like maybe some of the blame fell on him.

After another nervous, shaky sigh, Changkyun lifted his curled fist up to the wood and knocked three times before standing back to wait. He waited, and he waited, and then eventually – just as he was beginning to think he’d have to knock again or call through the wood – the lock clicked gently and the door slowly peeled back from the frame.

Almost immediately Changkyun knew something was wrong. When Hyungwon poked his head through the open slit of the door his eyes were tired and his hair messy and unkempt, lips chapped in a way that told him he hadn’t been taking care of himself and there was a red indent on his left cheek that vaguely resembled the seam of a pillow. A wrinkled shirt hung over his slim frame and his bottoms seemed to hang too low on his frame.

“Hi Wonnie,” he smiled uncertainly, pushing his wet hair back and hugging the bag close to his chest.

The door shut with a thud.

The smile on his face slipped off to join the puddle of rainwater on the floor.

“Hyungwon?” His voice was wary after a small hesitation.

“Go away,” The muffled came from behind the door.

“But-”

“I said, go away.”

“But it’s New Year’s Eve,” Changkyun ignored the guilty feeling bubbling in his chest as he took a tentative step closer. There came an indistinct shuffle and he knew his best friend’s lanky frame was pressed up against the other side of the door, back against the hard surface and eyes probably shut in weariness. “We always hang out on New Year’s Eve, remember? I know you’re mad at me but.. but I bought some stuff to make up for it, and I wanna talk it out. I want you to talk it out.”

This time there came no reply.

He _would_ get his best friend back. He just had to.

“I fucked up, okay? I’m sorry,” he leant closer and held up the crumpled paper bag to the peephole. “I bought your favourite noodles? Went all the way to Yonsan in this weather just to get the Suwan brand.”

When there came no reply for a second time he sighed and unrolled the bag to peer inside. “And, uh.. I have some shitty Korean dramas for us to watch, just like last year yeah? I thought we could.. We could eat noodles and laugh at the love triangle,” he offered quietly. He didn't even know if Hyungwon could hear him anymore. “We could make a pillow fort? Watch the fireworks at midnight on TV instead of real life..?”

He trailed off slowly. The door stayed silent and imposing, a barrier between his heart and his friend’s, and with a dejected sigh he lowered the bag and let his head fall.

“Just like we used to?” he finished, voice barely above a whisper. It was stupid really, and any remaining hope slipped through his fingers like sand as the door remained closed and the silence of the corridor weighed heavy on his heart.

Untill, all of a sudden, it wasn’t silent anymore.

The slow turn of a lock and handle was enough to jerk Changkyun out of his reverie, and when he lifted his head in suspended disbelief he was met with Hyungwon’s handsome face – big eyes, big lips, clear skin – peering round the doorframe with his jaw set cautiously and face guarded.

“You brought noodles?” he asked quietly, voice carrying the rough texture of sleep.

“Your favourite.” Changkyun held up the brand. Hyungwon eyed them warily.

“What drama?”

“Finding constellations,” He answered, this time a little louder, trying to will his best friend to let him in without saying the words. “Look, I know we haven’t been great recently, but I really want to fix things-”

“Why now?” Hyungwon interrupted him, eyeing the ground instead of meeting his pleading stare. “I’m mad at you. You should have tried to fix things before.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” The guilt bled into his voice and the other boy seemed to pick up on it, eyes momentarily flickering up to meet his before his jaw set and gaze unfocused once again. “I miss you and you have every right to be mad. I don’t… really know why you’re mad but.. but we can talk about it, right? After food and.. and the drama?”

Hyungwon stayed silent.

“Please Wonnie?” Changkyun hated how pitiful he sounded. “You promised, remember? Best friends forever.”

The silence that followed was perhaps the most unbearable Changkyun had ever endured. It was suffocating and guilt inducing, like every distant sound of a student shouting or door slamming down the hall gripped his stomach in a fist and squeezed until he felt like throwing up.

And then, slowly, hesitantly, Hyungwon pulled back from the door and allowed it to open more than a crack.

“I’m still mad at you,” he said petulantly.

“I know,”

“It’s statistically likely I’ll stay mad at you.”

At that Changkyun’s lips quirked into a smile and he stepped closer with the confidence of the hope blooming in his chest fuelling his movement. “Shut up. Can I come in?”

Hyungwon looked at him. Actually looked at him, met his gaze for the first time that evening, and hidden behind his brown eyes was a strange sense of guarded hope that drew on Changkyun’s uneasiness so much he had to forget he ever saw it.

“Yeah,” his best friend breathed, finally stepping back from the door to open it fully. “Yeah, c’mon in Kyunie.”

Hyungwon’s apartment was not a place Changkyun visited often. Caught in between the two extremes of his best friend’s studious persona and underlying childishness, the small living room, adjoining kitchenette and single doorway leading to a bedroom were a strange mix of order and chaos. The wooden countertops were a lighter woodgrain to that of the coffee table or cabinets, and the blue couch contrasted the red of one wall and the eggshell white of the others. There was a small window inlaid in the wall above the sink next to a pinboard scattered with deadlines, work rotas and polaroids of them both laughing from their many photobooth sessions.

An open Chinese book was placed on the table next to an empty bowl of cereal and a coffee mug drained of all liquid, the TV ran faintly in the background and there were a few dishes waiting to be washed. With a smile Changkyun realised Hyungwon had kept the Triceratops board from his old apartment and propped it against the wall, next to the toaster and the jar of dried spaghetti.

His apartment wasn’t messy, just loved. Cherished. Cosy and warm.

Changkyun stepped through the doorway and felt like he was finally home.

“You were studying?” Changkyun asked incredulously, dumping the damp paper bag on the counter while shaking out his hair and slipping off his shoes. “It’s New Year’s Eve. Do you ever rest?”

“The shifts at the Café are crazy during the holidays,” his best friend shrugged by means of explanation, voice quiet and monotone as he padded past Changkyun into the kitchen.

“The Café?” he frowned. That wasn’t right. “You work in a Café now? Since when? I thought you had that placement at the restaurant.”

“Since a few weeks ago?” Another shrug, another lack of eye contact. His best friend took a pot from the open cupboard and found the gas mark on the stove while Changkyun wondered vaguely if he’d always been so skinny. “It’s nice there. Nice people. Do you want food? I’m starving.”

“Sure, here-” The uneasy feeling seemed in his stomach seemed to grow with each passing second, especially as Hyungwon didn’t even look at him as he took the noodle packets he was holding out. “I didn’t know you got another job.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Hyungwon-”

“Don’t, please,” Hyungwon said firmly and then his face seemed to soften and he let out a wary sigh. “I’m happy, see? Happy, thanks for the stuff, whatever. There’s something on the table for you, if you want it.”

Changkyun frowned in confusion and turned to face the coffee table, only to let out a gasp and hurry forward to take the object into his hands.

“Is this one of my cameras?” Changkyun asked in quiet awe, the weight heavy as he held it.

“Mm, your old NX-series. I found it under my bed when.. when we packed up, you know?”

“Thank you,” Changkyun whispered. “For saving it. For not throwing it away.”

Hyungwon caught his gaze and his eyes glittered in the light of the kitchen. Slowly but surely his lips twitched into a smile and his face crinkled every so slightly around the corners. The sight hurt Changkyun’s heart.

“I hope you don’t mind.. I went through it? ‘Cos it’s- there’s mostly old stuff of us. You know, messing around.”

Changkyun hummed his acknowledgement, staring at the camera in his hand with awe. It was familiar yet foreign - the metal was strangely cold in his hands and yet despite it having been almost a year since he’d held a camera the shape slot into place naturally. He instinctively began fiddling with the plastic buttons and let out an amazed breath as the screen lit up under his fingertips.

The interface was obviously outdated by a few years and yet he was quick to scan through the memory.

Blurry thumbnails flicked past on the pixelated screen. Some were of Hyungwon, some were of him, most were of them together. He smiled as he saw the dates scroll past in the lower corner – it was when they were sixteen and they never went a day without filming something.

He chose one at random to watch – something familiar, the starting frame of them alone in Hyungwon’s old bedroom.

“ _Hey!”_ Changkyun jumped as Hyungwon’s younger voice echoed through the tinny speakers _._ In his youth Hyungwon’s cheeks were chubbier, his lips harder to talk with. _“Changkyun, tell future us what you did today_ .”

There came scuffling from off camera and then suddenly he was in the frame.

Him. At sixteen.

Black hair. Smiling, all teeth. No piercings, no eye circles, nothing.

“ _Shut up!_ ” the unfamiliar boy on screen laughed.

Changkyun didn’t think it looked like him.

The boy smiling on screen wasn’t him anymore.

“ _Tell them!_ ” Hyungwon giggled.

“ _No!_ ” the sixteen year old Changkyun laughed and tried to grab the camera out of Hyungwon’s hand but the tall lanky boy grinned and pulled it away.

“ _He forgot his shoes_ ,” Hyungwon said to the camera as if it was the funniest thing in the world. “ _He forgot his shoes! How do you forget your shoes! I had to remind him to put them on when we left for school- how stupid is that!_ ”

“ _Where would I be without you?”_ The Changkyun on the screen rolled his eyes with a happy grin.

“ _Dead, probably.”_

“ _Fuck off!”_

“ _Make me!”_

The sound of laughter grated on his nerves.

The video stopped playing.

_Dead, probably._

A wave of emotion threatened to claw its way out of his throat but he didn’t let it, swallowing all his feelings and letting them swarm his stomach instead. He couldn’t dwell on the past. He wouldn’t.

“Hyungwon?” Changkyun called out after a moment of adjusting the settings. When Hyungwon looked up in surprise he held up the camera - one hand gently grasping the bulk and the other the lens in front - so he could see him through the viewfinder. “You look like some flower girl in a drama,” he commented quietly, his friends' perfect eyelids and pretty lips enhanced by the saturation on screen.

“I feel like one,” he deadpanned, and Changkyun laughed while he fiddled with the lenses once again. The older boy gave a halfhearted flourish of his free hand as the other held a saucepan. “Oh, my Prince,” He began, tone dripping with tepid sarcasm. “I'm an incapable girl in a drama, I need some random guy to come and save me from some illogical danger.”

Changkyun smiled at his melodrama - a sign of reconciliation - and squinted his eyes at the lenses held up to his face, adjusting the zoom and focusing the shot on Hyungwon's face. It was strange following through with old patterns but he quickly fell into familiar controls of tightening the lens as he shifted through the focus on screen.

“He's here right now, riding his trusty steed,” Changkyun directed quietly, echoing what he used to do when he was young.

Through the viewfinder Changkyun watched as Hyungwon's pretty face quirked a small smile. Progress. “My Prince! He is here to save me! I have waited far too long.”

Changkyun laughed and momentarily lowered to camera to flick through the settings and find the one best for stabilization. “He's so handsome, so strong and manly,” he murmured, raising his hand once again and focusing the shot on Hyungwon's side profile, letting the background of the window with droplets of rain fade into artistic obscurity.

At that Hyungwon let out what seemed to be a genuine laugh and shook his head, poking at the contents of the pot on the stove with a chopstick. “Every princesses dream.”

Changkyun pressed a final button to secure the setting at less saturation and a small smile of satisfaction played on his lips. This was his shot. “Isn't this the bit where the Prince comes riding over the hill with a different girl on the back of his horse?” He mused, pressing play on the record button and hearing the familiar click of confirmation.

Hyungwon's smile faltered.

Changkyun steadied the camera on his face - the kitchen lighting reflecting off the gloss on his lips and reflecting in his downward cast eyes - and immediately he let out a breath of wonder. It was such a good shot his heart swelled in newfound excitement. Hyungwon's side profile was so pretty framed by the dark window behind him, the gentle patter of rain outside setting the mood for the subtle part of his swollen lips and heavy-lidded eyes. The younger boy held the camera steady with his breath caught in his throat as he watched the fluttering movement of the eyelash shadows on his cheek dance like spider's legs against the smoothness of his skin and rounded tip of his nose.

It was a beautiful shot - the best he could hope for after not picking up a camera in so very long.

“I don't know,” Hyungwon said softly, tired eyes downcast and expression unreadable. “The second lead never deserves what he goes through. He just wants the girl to be happy, right?”

“I guess,” Changkyun murmured, focused intently on the viewfinder and the pretty shot of Hyungwon staring downwards. “I always found the second lead in dramas a little pointless, you know? I mean, what's the point of wanting somebody who doesn't want you back?”

Hyungwon looked up at the camera. His eyes were glassy, and Changkyun held his breath at the pretty close up of his face through the lens.

“The point is that they love them.”

Changkyun’s eyes flickered up to look at Hyungwon over the screen.

His heart skipped a beat.

Hyungwon looked down after a second. “Can you stop that now?” He mumbled, motioning to Changkyun's camera.

“Oh… uh, yeah? Sure, sure,” Changkyun's heart sunk at the words but he reluctantly lowered the camera and pressed the button to halt the recording. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed in being told to stop, but he wasted no time pressing a few buttons on the camera so he could replay the short video he’d just taken.

It was even better on screen. The soft lights of the kitchen created a beautiful mellow atmosphere, and Changkyun found himself entranced by the emotions hidden behind his best friend’s young face.

“ _The point is that they love them_.”

Changkyun shut off the camera.

He fiddled with it for a few more minutes before crossing the small apartment to get to the kitchen where Hyungwon seemed to be chopping vegetables while a pot boiled on the stove. It was only then that he realised his camera was around his neck - he must have instinctively slung it over his head without thinking. Old habits die hard.

“You're better at cooking than you used to be,” he commented.

Hyungwon shrugged, scraping some of the vegetables on the chopping board into the corner in a learned manoeuvre. “I've had time to practice. You never come round.”

The pain was subtle. An ache of apology flared in Changkyun's because there it was - the bitter undertones in his friend's voice he thought he'd avoided that night.

“I missed you.”

“Sure you did.”

“No, really,” he insisted. “What am I meant to do all day without you spewing facts at me?”

“You always tell me to shut up if I start going on about the romanticised gothic poetry of the late eighteenth century.”

“Yes, well, I missed telling you to shut up,” Changkyun saw the slight twitch of a smile on his face and his back straightened. “Plus.. who was it.. That Eddie guy? He was quite cool.”

“Edgar Allan Poe,” Hyungwon said – this time with a genuine smile. “Middle nineteenth century, not late eighteenth.”

“You know what I meant.”

“Well, objectively speaking yes, but had it been anybody else they would have been confused.” Hyungwon busied himself with scraping potato skin onto the counter and then began to chop different vegetables. “Eddie, also known as Edward Young, was a poet in the late eighteenth century who’s most famous work describes the death of all his loved ones in a long lament. Edgar Allan Poe was a mid-nineteenth century poet who told tales of true love and was a key figure in the gothic romanticisation of popular fiction at the time.”

Changkyun grinned and leant over the boiling pot on the stove. “There’s the Hyungwon I know.”

After a few seconds of silence Changkyun thought of another way to perhaps put his best friend at ease. It was obvious he was tense – from the veins on his hand chopping carrots to the guarded hunch of his shoulders – and yet discussing mundane things like literature had brought a smile to his face.

It was worth a shot, right? Talk about things just like they had been before?

“I saw Hoseok the other day,” He began, a small smile playing on his lips as he thought of the other boy. “You know, the day you called me to say you covered for me?”

Silence.

"You said you weren't round his," Hyungwon replied quietly, only after the beat had passed.

"Well, I wasn't," Changkyun explained slowly. “I was with a.. friend, but then Hoseok called and I went round his and.. and yeah, yeah, we..”

“You..?”

“You know... we.. together..”

The sound of the knife stopped.

“You slept with him?”

“Yeah,” Changkyun breathed.

The rain outside wasn't loud enough to drown out the silence of the apartment in that moment. Changkyun looked up briefly to find his best friend staring at the vegetables in front of him with an unreadable expression on his face. The atmosphere should have unsettled him but he was already lost in his own thoughts and maybe, just maybe, a little excited at being able to finally tell his best friend everything that had happened. They'd talked about this so many times he didn't want to wait any longer and he was sure Hyungwon's hesitation was only from shock.

"Oh," the older boy breathed, still frozen and voice a little hard to hear. "Was it.. was it good?"

"Mm,” Changkyun smiled to himself, blushing at the memories. “It was so good Hyungwon, really it was. I was so scared 'cos it was my first time but Hoseok was so gentle, he understood and helped me through it. I trust him so much."

Another pause. This time longer, and for the first time that conversation Changkyun felt his smile falter. Hyungwon _was_ happy for him, right?

His reply was quiet and short.

"That's nice."

Changkyun felt his stomach drop and poked at the boiling pot in front of him with a chopstick. "It hurt at first. Like really, I thought I was going to have to stop, but he was so caring and then it just- fuck, Wonnie. It was the best thing I've ever felt."

"I'm glad he made you happy Kyunie,” Hyungwon said softly, and the sound of chopping vegetables started again. “You deserve it."

The hope that blossomed in his chest upon hearing the nickname was indescribable - maybe things would be okay between them after all. He smiled to himself and turned away from the boiling pot in front of him. "You should do it too."

Hyungwon frowned. "I should what?”

"Have sex! I know you don't like people flirting with you, but when you find the right person it really is amazing-"

"I don't want to."

"Shh, I'm serious Wonnie. It's so good, you won't regret it. We can find you a nice girl like, super pretty with long hair, and you can go on coffee dates together and then bring her back here and-"

"I said, I don't want to."

Changkyun's smile faltered and he looked away. "Oh. Oh, okay, that's cool. It's nice to wait I guess. Anyway, I ain't kidding when I say sex is literally the best thing ever. Like, even just because he was older, I was scared I wouldn't.. be good enough for him, you know?"

"I know," Hyungwon said quietly, voice strained and eyes focused on the chopping board in front of him.

"But he just knew. And he said I was good! Like.. holy shit Wonnie, remember when I had that crush on Kisum? The swimmer? Hoseok's shoulders are so much broader, and I dunno how he's so toned with his diet but fuck, I just.. he's so hot, and big and like.. I feel so safe with him you know? He's not like anybody else I know.”

"Mm."

"I love his voice. Like, when he speaks all deep and rough and right in my ear.. and he's so adorable in the morning with his fluffy hair and smile. He makes me feel such amazing things, it's like I'm in love with him-”

The clatter of metal against tile brought his speech to a screeching halt and he looked in surprise between Hyungwon frozen with his arm outstretched and the utensils scattered along the ceramic floor.

“Holy shit Hyungwon, you gave me a heart attack,” he breathed, clutching at his chest and watching his best friend kneel down to start picking up what he spilt. “Are you okay?”

“I'm fine,” he deadpanned.

“Here, let me help-”

“I said, I'm fine!” Hyungwon snapped. Irritated, he ignored Changkyun's offer and left him stood there confused while he cleared his mess.

“Wonnie?” Changkyun asked, worried. This was unlike his best friend.

“Just..” Hyungwon raised himself from the position he had been crouching and let the utensils in his arms clatter onto the counter with a sigh. “Please. shut up.”

“But what about-”

“Shut up!” All of a sudden Hyungwon raised his voice, pushing the chopping board back against the toaster with a crash and rounding to face him. “I'm sick of this, of him, of everything! Can you not just shut up? For once?”

“Wonnie?” Changkyun felt his throat tighten and his voice was suddenly small. Hyungwon was shouting at him. Hyungwon _never_ shouted at him. “I wasn't.. I just wanted to help you pick the stuff up-”

“I don't care what you wanted to do Changkyun! You turn up to my apartment, bring gifts when you haven’t bothered with me in a year and then go on and on about your stupid fucking hot biker boyfriend like we can just make it all okay? Just like that? Like we can pretend we’re fucking _okay_ ?”

Changkyun felt his lower lip wobble. It was suddenly hard to breathe.

“Can't we pretend we're okay?” he murmured.

“No!” Hyungwon raised his voice again and Changkyun shrunk back into the counter. “No, we can't, ‘cos we're not! You're not okay Changkyun, and you haven't been for a whole fucking year and I know you've been dealing with shit but you walk through my door smelling like cigarettes and alcohol and I don’t even wanna _know_ what other shit you’ve been up to behind my back.”

Oh.

Changkyun took a deep, shuddering breath,

Oh. That made him angry.

It was sudden the way the red emotion reared it’s ugly head but it overtook his body in an instant.

“Why do you care if I smoke?” Changkyun fired back in defence, blood beginning to boil. “Why are you having a go at me? I was just trying to help!”

"Why do I care?” Hyungwon looked at him in total, obsolete disbelief. “Why do I fucking _care_ ? Because what if you tried to kill yourself Changkyun? What would I do then _,_ besides blame myself for all the nights I’ve woken up in fear that I’ll have a message from your mum saying she found you in the bathroom-”

“You don’t understand!” Changkyun shouted, voice pleading for him to stop talking about that subject. “You don’t understand what it’s like being in my head-”

Hyungwon scoffed and began to talk over him. "Oh, I understand just _fine._ When my parents split up, the divorce and then starting college and the move. I basically did all that alone 'cos you were busy being _sad,”_ His voice was sour and there were angry tears in his eyes. “Oh, no, sorry Kisum. Sorry Chungah, I can't do anything with anybody in case my best friend calls me and is about to fucking _kill_ himself-”

“Shut _up_ -”

"But now you, you're _doing_ stuff and its _without me._ Even after I waited all this time. You don't need me anymore!" His face began to crumple and when he spoke there was a waver in his raised voice. "I've been here the whole time but you only care about Hoseok and his _muscles_ and the fucking _sex._ Why him? Why can’t I be the one to make you okay? I need you and you don't need me, not anymore, and I'm all alone and I'll _always_ be alone-”

“You don't have to be alone!” Changkyun yelled, pushing Hyungwon back from where he had moved closer. “Never in our twelve years of friendship have I ever told you- oh, Hyungwon. You're only allowed to talk to me. You're only allowed to like me and touch me and nobody else can or you'll _cry_ -”

“Don't you dare-” His best friend choked up, the tears dripping down his face now angry, whole body seething and jaw clenched. The pot on the stove began to bubble over, and Changkyun found himself furious at how unfair the other boy was being. How dare he talk to him like that? How dare he?

“Don't I dare what, Hyungwon? Bring up the fact that you cried that time a girl held your hand when we were thirteen? Bring up the fact that when that barista at the cafe invited you back to his place you refused to leave your apartment for a week?”

“Stop it!”

“No, you stop it!” Changkyun yelled. His voice was louder than it ever had been and yet be barely registered the shock on Hyungwon’s face. “Why can't I talk about Hoseok, huh? Why? All you're doing right now is getting mad at me for liking somebody that isn't you! It's like you're in love with me!”

Hyungwon froze.

The pot on the stove spat boiling water.

“Don't _say_ that,” Hyungwon’s voice cracked. “Don’t say that!”

“What, that it's like you're in love with me or something?” Changkyun ignored the hurt look on his face. “God, you haven't ever been happy about me and Hoseok. You won't let anybody touch you but me. You only ever talk about me,” he rounded on his best friend with a shout. “You yell at me because I'm selfish and yet you can't get me out of your fucking head!”

“It's not like you'd ever want me anyway!” Hyungwon’s raised voice was thick with tears and his fists were clenched by his side.

“What do you _mean_ I'd never want you?” Changkyun mocked bitterly. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means I'm in love with my best friend who's made it very clear that I'm too broken for them to love me back!”

It was like he’d been punched.

Hyungwon had not just said those words. He had not. He refused.

“You’re in love with me?” he choked out, the thrum of anger in his body draining into the floorboards and leaving his body hollow.

“Yes!” Hyungwon said. Exasperated. Defeated.

“You’re gay?” he whispered.

“Yes!”

“Oh,” he exhaled.

He couldn’t think. He wouldn’t think.

This was all too much for him. Changkyun was so used to running away, he needed to leave.

“Oh?” Hyungwon scoffed, throwing his arms into the air. “Oh? That’s all I get, huh? After all these years all I get it Oh? Are you really that obvious?” Hyungwon’s voice was bitter and mean and spiteful. “Are you really that fucking selfish? You’re so naive, you never talk about anybody but yourself-”

“Tell me then! Tell me about you!” Changkyun felt the anger seep into his bones once again, the revelation having left him numb with only raw hurt behind. Hyungwon was in love with him. Hyungwon was _gay._ “How am I meant to help or listen to you if you won’t fucking tell me why you keep going on about being broken-” He rounded on his best friend. “What does that even fucking mean, broken? What does it mean, huh Hyungwon?”

“You wouldn’t understand!” Hyungwon raised his voice in frustration.

“Try me! What does it mean, broken, huh!” Changkyun stormed towards him, the anger pushing his body, controlling him like a puppet from the outside. He wanted a cigarette. His hands were shaking bad. “Tell me! Tell me!”

“No!”

“Tell me!”

“It means I'm asexual!” His friend yelled back at him, voice breaking. “So it wouldn't matter if I was in love with you, would it? ‘Cos its not like you'd ever love me back when it's all muscles and sex and smoking and _oh Hoseok makes me feel so good-”_

Changkyun stood, stunned, body dumped in ice water. “What did you just say?”

“I said, I'm asexual,” Hyungwon clenched his jaw – the tears beginning to spill over his tired eyes once again, the anger a mask to his pain. “So even if I was in love with you none of what we have would matter ‘cos it’s not something you can just fix and I can't give you what he gives you!”

Changkyun was breathing heavy, dread filling up his body and threatening to drown him.

It all made sense but he didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to know because he realised he already knew, deep down, beneath his layers of selfishness and oblivion.

Hyungwon was gay.

Hyungwon was asexual.

Hyungwon was in love with him.

“Since when?” he croaked, not knowing to which revelation he was referring to, not caring either way.

“Since forever!” His best friend gave a disbelieving laugh and yet he was crying at the same time. “It's not something I chose, is it? It's not like I woke up one day and thought, you know what? I'm just going to crave romantic intimacy with you but cry when people actually touch me-”

“Hyungwon-” Changkyun breathed, the anger dissipating as quick as it had reared its head. Seeing his best friend look so fractured made every part of him want to die. “I'm sorry, I didn't know.”

“Of course you didn't. You're so selfish you only ever think of yourself, none of what I feel even matters to you,” Hyungwon took a step backwards. “It doesn't matter though, right? Because I'm so hopelessly in love with my best friend who wouldn't ever love me back. Who couldn't love me back because I'm broken and he prefers rude older bikers with shit hair and stupid fucking muscles-”

“Hoseok’s not rude.” Changkyun interrupted him.

He knew immediately it was a mistake.

“What?” His best friend said quietly.

“He’s not rude,” Changkyun reasoned softly, voice hoarse from shouting. “He’s been nothing but nice to me, he makes me feel happy. Just because I don’t love you like that doesn’t mean you can hate him.”

His best friend shook his head and began backing away.

“ _God_ , Changkyun. God, you're so selfish-”

“Wonnie-”

“No!” Hyungwon pulled back his hand from where the younger boy had reached for it. “It’s fine Changkyun. It's fine, because I'm always fine, because apparently you're the only one in the entire world who's allowed to be sad-”

“That's really unfair.” Changkyun was shaking now, and some small part of his mind registered how wet his cheeks were. “You _know_ I have a problem-”

“So does everybody else Changkyun!” His best friend raised his voice in frustration. “You're not special for being depressed or gay or having a problem because literally everybody else in the fucking world has problems and it's not always about you!”

“Shut up!” Changkyun covered his ears with his hands.

“Oh, Hyungwon, I'm scared of myself. I'm scared I might hurt myself, I don't know what to do,” Hyungwon’s mocking voice cut through his hands and the younger boy started to cry, shrinking back into himself. “Sometimes it would be easier if you weren’t here! All you seem to do it hurt me instead and I’m so, fucking done with you Changkyun!”

Hyungwon stopped shouting and silence fell.

They stood, Changkyun in the kitchen, hands over his ears. Hyungwon by the couch, face seemingly shocked at his own outburst, long limbs awkward and unsure.

The only sound was Changkyun’s gentle sobs and the horrible sound of him scratching at his scalp with his fingernails.

_Sometimes it would be easier if you weren’t here._

He felt exposed. Empty. As if Hyungwon had reached into his soul with those delicate, pretty fingers of his and pulled out all his flaws for the world to gawk at.

“I'm sorry,” His best friend whispered hoarsely. “That was too far, I didn't mean it.”

Changkyun couldn’t speak. Didn’t want to. His whole body was numb and he felt like he was floating far above his own head, drifting far away from anything that was happening.

“I’m going to go now,” he said quietly, taking away his trembling hands from where they had been pressed against his skull before backing towards the door.

“No, wait-” Hyungwon reached out to grab his hand. “Changkyun, please, I'm sorry-”

Changkyun pulled his arm back.

“I’m going to go now,” he repeated, throat screaming at him, chest collapsing and making it hard to breathe.

“Wait,” Hyungwon pleaded in desperation as he fumbled with the door. “Changkyun! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of it-”

Changkyun shut the door behind him.

The corridor was quiet enough to echo his sobs.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

For the first time in what felt like his entire life, Changkyun couldn’t seem to ignore the cold. It was biting at the peeling skin on his hands as his numb fingers shakily slid open the screen of his phone and it sent pinpricks of pain lancing through his thighs as he fidgeted on the steps outside Hyungwon’s apartment building. The icy air was the only thing that stopped tears spilling over as he hugged his thin jacket closer to his shivering body and listened to the faint dial sound of his phone pressed against his ear above the rowdy sounds of the streets of Seoul on a bustling new years eve. People gave him a wide berth as he sat shivering on the steps but he couldn’t care in the slightest.

“ _Changkyun?_ ”

The familiar voice was metallic through the speakers.

No matter how long he tried to force words out his throat, it didn't work.

“ _Kid, fuck, you know it’s an hour before new years, right?_ ” Hoseok kept talking. Some small part of Chankgyun’s mind registered the nonchalant tone, the smile in his voice, the slight stuffy sound that told him perhaps he was catching a cold. “ _Are you outside? Are those people I can hear? It’s fucking freezing kid, you better have a coat or I swear to fucking God-_ ”

“Hoseok,” he whispered. How could he tell him what had happened? Changkyun didn't _want_ to tell him what happened. He couldn't even process it himself. Changkyun just wanted to go home.

“ _Changkyun? Is that you? Are you okay?_ ”

He shook his head despite being on the phone, shaking hands picking at the rip in his jeans. “No.”

“ _No?_ ” The voice down the phone was suddenly quiet. “ _You’re.. not okay?_ ”

Changkyun felt his face crumple and he shook his head again. Somewhere behind him, in the tall student building, his best friend was alone and crying and he couldn't breathe and it was so, so cold.

“I need you,” he whispered shakily, hating how vulnerable he sounded, craving more than anything to be in a familiar pair of warm arms.

There was a pause.

“ _Where are you? I’ll be there in five._ ”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hoseok’s apartment was messier than when he’d last been there, and it smelt more of booze than ever before.

The biker had pulled up to the curb despite the busy streets, revved his engine loudly, and allowed Changkyun to climb onto the back without so much as a word.

Now Changkyun stood much like the first night, lost and somewhat out of place in an apartment he was used to calling familiar, feet bare and mind strangely blank. Some small part of his mind registered the quiet fizz of the can on the table as well as the smudge of ash next to a cigarette that was only half burnt and made some connection to Hoseok leaving in a hurry but when he slowly turned around to thank the older boy for dropping everything to come get him he saw the biker leant against the wall with his eyes closed.

“You’re drunk,” he stated somewhat numbly.

“I’m fine.”

“Hoseok-”

“Kid, I’m fine,” Hoseok pushed himself off the wall and moved towards him, hair pushed back in it’s signature windswept look and eyes glinting with concern. “You, on the other hand, are not.”

“You shouldn’t have driven not sober.” Changkyun’s eyes flicked and he poked the older boy in the chest. “You could of- could of hurt somebody, or yourself, or-”

“You’re the only person that matters, okay?” Some part of Changkyun’s mind registered the way his hand was enveloped by another. “Fuck, kid. I would drive through a snowstorm just for you. I’d do whatever it takes to keep you safe, okay? Whatever it takes to make sure you’re okay.”

“I don’t think I’m okay anymore,” he said quietly, mind racing, body strangely numb. He could have been shot in that moment and felt absolutely nothing at all. “I really, really don’t.”

Changkyun tried to take a deep breath to calm himself down.

It ended in a sob, and then suddenly he was crying.

“Fuck, kid,” The warm, rough voice was almost as comforting as the arms that wrapped around his body and the familiar smell that caused him to sob harder. “C’mhere, shh, shh,.”

“I… he..” Changkyun stumbled over his words, only vaguely aware that he was being gently lowered onto a couch and the camera hung around his neck was being removed. “He.. Hyungwon, he..”

“Hyungwon? Hyungwon did this to you?”

“He didn’t do anything to me. I did something to him,” In panic Changkyun looked up at Hoseok. “All he wanted was me to be there for him and I couldn't even do that.”

“What do you mean?”

“He's in love with me Hoseok!” His voice was pleading, hands shaking, body trembling. With each sob it became harder to form words. “And I was so selfish, so- so- selfish! I just shouldn't be here when all I do is make him feel bad, he- I-”

Hyungwon was scared like he was, but unlike the older boy always staying by his side, Changkyun had left him the moment he'd messed up once.

Changkyun had left him. Hed left him.

He’d ran away like he always did.

 _Selfish_ .

He felt sick – couldn’t breathe knowing he'd left Hyungwon crying. What kind of friend was he? It didn't even matter if he was in love with him - asexual, whatever that meant, it didn't matter. He was Hyungwon.

He needed a cigarette.

Despite being aware of Hoseok's silence after his outburst, he pulled a stick from the packet kept in his pocket and tried to flick the lighter against the end. His hands were shaking so much the paper was a blur, and even as the flame lit every few clicks his fingers were wobbly and his throat hurt and why wouldn't the stupid fucking cigarette just light-

He threw the lighter across the room in frustration and the clatter as it hit the wall made Hoseok jump next to him.

The anger was so blinding he didn’t even care.

“Changkyun?” Hoseok asked quietly, and the younger boy was vaguely aware of warm hands taking his shaking ones and flattening his fingers so they couldn't pick at his nails. He felt his hands being laid flat on palms and inhaled sharply - that _hurt_ . “You're bleeding.”

“I'm sorry,” he mumbled, finally directing his attention to his stinging hands. Even in the dim light of his apartment they weren't pretty. He'd picked at his cuticles so hard smudges of red-coated his fingertips and as he watched a bead of blood trickled down his nail.

“Fuck. Okay, I'm gonna- gonna go get some plasters or something-”

Changkyun opened his mouth to reply but no sound came out. Instead the anger in his stomach gave way to a wave of sadness and his chest heaved uncomfortable as a heavy sob choked him. When he felt strong arms pull him into a hug he didn't resist, and he was vaguely aware that the wet patches on the t-shirt he rest his face in were from his tears but none of that mattered as he clutched at Hoseok's shoulders and cried for his best friend.

Hyungwon was in love with him. Hyungwon was _hurting_ .

“Kid? Kid, I need to get you something for your hands,” Hoseok tried to pull back and he shook his head in panic.

“No, don't leave-”

“I'm just getting stuff from the bathroom, okay? There's blood on my white shirt and it must be hurting.”

After he retracted himself Hoseok was up and immediately hurrying towards the bathroom and while Changkyun knew he should avoid picking at his trembling hands there was nothing stopping him now and he felt so out of control and if he was honest with himself he shouldn’t have let Hoseok talk him down those months ago since he’d fucked up and hurt his best friend so badly-

The clatter of a bottle on the coffee table made him jump.

"No, don’t," He shook his head frantically seeing the array of plasters and antiseptic strewn over the surface. “I don’t deserve it. Any of it, please Hoseok-”

“Shut the fuck up Changkyun,” Hoseok said firmly – not unkindly, but harsh enough to make him stop objecting – as he skillfully tipped some liquid onto a cloth. “Would it help if I talked? Would it distract you from whatever you’re feeling?”

The liquid smelt like a hospital and stung the moment it came in contact with his hands but Changkyun didn't mind. Instead he let his thoughts wander to Hyungwon, alone in his apartment, as Hoseok gently scrubbed along the nail bed of his thumb.

Hyungwon was gay.

Hyungwon was asexual.

Hyungwon was in love with him.

“Yes. Yes, please,” He whispered after a moment. “Talk. Tell me anything.”

“Anything?”

“You,” Changkyun breathed. “Tell me about you.”

There was a pause while Hoseok scrubbed at one of his nail beds before he spoke quietly again.

“Have I ever told you the story of how I came out to my dad?”

Changkyun looked up at him in surprise. “No.”

“Okay. Okay, well, fuck kid. Guess I’ll start there,” There was a hesitation while the older boy seemed to think about his words, carefully picking them from his mind like he was being thoughtful with his phrasing. "I was an only child,” He began quietly. “I only ever knew my dad. I think that’s pretty important ‘cos- ‘cos a lotta people, when I say I fell out with my dad, they ask about my mum. But I don’t have a mum. Which is fine really, I don’t miss her because I can’t miss what I never had, but it’s important to this because it was only ever me and my dad and we ain’t had nobody else.”

Changkyun listened, numb body surprised at what he was being told. Hoseok had never known his mother? Not even as a child?

"I wasn’t a bad kid. Sure, by fourteen I was smoking behind the bike sheds at lunch. Sure, the graffiti on the school wall was probably me and Jooheon, and I was lost in my schoolboy crush of kissing that cute guy in my Calculus class, but.. But I wasn’t fucked up like I am now, right?"

Hoseok looked up at him briefly before turning back to scrub at the blood on his hands.

“My dad taught me everything I needed to know about motorbikes. The camshaft, the gear shift, how to clean them and which tires work best with different models. He'd make me clean the chain during winter to toughen me up. Kept talking about all the girls I'd get if I showed them I could ride a motorbike,” At that his mouth twitched into a small smile. “I wasn't the perfect son, but I was the _right_ one. I did what every girl-crazed teenage boy would do - went a little off the rails but still came home every evening to wash up if I could be bothered,”

"I loved my dad," Hoseok said quietly, turning over Changkyun’s cold hand to rub at his palm, and after a pause he spoke again. "I loved him so much. Every night he would tell me that he loved me - in that gruff way of his. Like, ‘Son, you’re a lil shit. But I ain’t want it any other way’’ He chuckled and then the happiness slipped from his face. “Every day I felt sick to the stomach thinking of how I.. how all my friends wanted to get between Jisoo’s legs and all I wanted to do was kiss a pretty boy,”

Hoseok took a second to take a shuddering breath, methodically switching the cloth in his hand to focus his cleaning on an area still crusted with blood. Changkyun watched with breath held, waiting for him to speak again, the pain in his hands nothing compared to the ache in his chest at the bikers wistful words.

“When I finally told my dad I liked boys I’d convinced myself he’d be okay with it. I told myself over and over again, walking home from school three hours late, clutching my shitty little backpack with my shirt never tucked in, that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay,” There was a pause. Hoseok took a shallow breath as if bracing himself for his next words, and Changkyun realised he’d never seen him look quite so close to coming undone. “When it actually happened, when I told him I was gay.. he looked me in the eye and said.. he said there ain't no room in his house for a queer,"

Changkyun’s heart dropped into the floor.

The focus Hoseok had on wrapping his hand was unbelievable. "I remember that night. How I.. how I cried when he told me to leave. I didn't believe it, wouldn't believe it. I asked him - dad, why would you kick out your own son? Why? It’s me, remember?” Hoseok shut his eyes. “He said he didn't have a son anymore, and that if I wasn't out by morning he'd throw me out himself."

Hoseok was strangely calm as he went through the patterns of swabbing his nail beds but that didn’t stop Changkyun’s mind from racing at a million miles per hour.

It was helping, though. Somehow it was helping.

"I left that night," The older boy’s mouth twitched into a smile. "Went to Jooheon’s, crashed there for a bit. He called me a fucking dumbass for even thinking about telling my dad, but he's always been like that,"

Jooheon. The white-haired boy with the expensive clothes and deep dimples had been through so much with Hoseok, Changkyun thought longingly.

“It's easy for anger to escalate,” Hoseok continued, quieter this time, smoothing over the bandages on his hand with gentle caresses. How he could be so calm was beyond Changkyun. "I was so angry. So angry, all the time. I hated the world and I hated myself and- Fuck, kid. I just wanted other people to know how bad I was hurting. Later, at college. When.. when it got bad and.. and I first got this," Hoseok placed a steady hand over his heart. His tattoo, Changkyun realised with a start. "Every time my mind told me, don't break that window. Don't take that money, don't hit that guy- The voice in my head. It said - ain't no place in my house for a queer. Ain't no son of mine gay,"

"So, I'd break the window. Take the money, hit the guy, it didn't matter what I did cos I was so angry inside," The crack in his wavering voice was noticeable. "I was angry at myself for hurting. For being weak. For letting other people hurt me and I thought the only way to.. to make me feel better was by hurting other people. By making them understand how I felt.”

“If my own dad wouldn't even stay with me, then who would?” Hoseok asked softly, as if he expected an answer. “Everybody leaves. It was my fault for letting people in.”

Changkyun sniffed. He watched the slow methodical way Hoseok wrapped another plaster around his forefinger and smoothed out the crease before he asked, “Why did you let me in?” He mumbled. “If you don’t want anybody close to you, why trust me?”

The younger boy was expecting a non-committal answer - something along the lines of 'Dunno' or 'Fuck kid, why not?'. He was not prepared for the silence that stretched on as Hoseok finally met his gaze and stared at him, seeing him, not just looking.

"Your eyes," He said softly. "Big and brown and curious. Who wouldn't trust eyes like yours? Looking at me the way you do? Making my cold biker heart turn to mush? I’m gonna let you in, aren’t I? I’m just too soft for pretty boys like you," He shook his head as if to erase the thought and pulled back from bandaging his hands. “There. Done.”

 _Pretty boys like you_.

And Changkyun hated it, but he couldn’t help his mind wandering to forbidden places.

Did Hoseok used to call Kihyun pretty too? Did he talk about how brown his eyes were? Did he bandage up his hands if they were hurt?

“Hoseok,” he asked softly, dragging his gaze away from where they inspected his bandaged fingers to find the older boy busying himself with the mess on the table.

He wasn’t crying, but he was close.

“I think I might get you gloves for your birthday.” The bikers voice wavered as he screwed the lid onto the pot of antiseptic. “Really badass ones made of leather and everything, give your poor hands a break-”

“Hoseok?”

This time he paused and actually looked up. “Yeah kid?”

“Your dad didn't deserve a son as amazing as you.”

The surprise on his face lasted only a second, as did the vulnerable look in his eye, and then he smiled like a child on Christmas morning.

He could feel himself slipping. He felt drained. Tired. Like he wanted to nap for awhile and maybe not wake up.

“You do this thing whenever you look at me,” Hoseok said absentmindedly, settling back onto the couch and allowing for Changkyun to curl up next to him like they had never been apart. “Whenever you.. hear something strange or ask a curious question.”

“What is it?”

“You're eyelids, they flutter,” Though Changkyun could no longer see him, the smile in his voice was obvious. “Like ‘lil butterflies or.. or feathers or something they just.. fuck, it hurts. Makes me feel.”

Changkyun craned his neck to look up at him.

Their lips met without him even having to think.

It was slow - not necessarily sad but not hurried like so many kisses before. It was gentle and soft and warm and tasted of salt and maybe beer. Hoseok's lips moved slow against his and as usual he let Changkyun control how far he wanted to go - always holding back, never quite taking control.

A soft hand ghosted across his neck and came to rest as his jaw. Their heads moved to slot closer together, their movements grew languid with each passing moment. With a gentle sigh Changkyun realised he wanted to stay in that moment forever because, despite the sting of his hands and hollow ache in his chest at the hole where his best friend once stood, he actually felt safe in his arms. Safe from himself.

The thought was comforting.

The fireworks outside broke them apart just barely and Changkyun sighed as the moment shattered.

“Happy new year Changkyun,” Hoseok murmured, lips brushing his own and warm breath fanning against his cheek.

“Happy new year Hoseok,” he replied softly, and the older boy held his gaze for the longest of moments before leaning back into the couch with a sigh. The arm he had hung around him ghosted down to rest on his waist and Changkyun swung his legs up onto the cushions to better enable sleep. He was quite used to sleeping on the couch in his clothes now, it almost made him feel at home.

The steady breathing of Hoseok lulled him into a drowsy state, and as he did he found himself thinking of things he had chosen to forget.

Kihyun.

Not Hyungwon. Changkyun didn’t think of Hyungwon, but Kihyun.

Changkyun hated himself for it, after everything terrible that happened that day, but the thought lingered nonetheless.

Did Hoseok hold Kihyun this way? Was the boy with sharp angels and snake-like eyes the right amount of small and pretty to slot perfectly under his arm too?

Did Hoseok close his eyes before sleep and think it was Changkyun in his arms or Kihyun?

Minhyuk's voice whipsered honey words in his ear. Perhaps he was a replacement. That was okay. If he was, that was okay.

He had to squash the bitter seed before it grew.

The Christmas lights were still tacked to the wall with messy bits of sticky-tape, although Hoseok hadn’t turned them on. They didn’t much look like stars anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Changkyun didn’t move from the sofa in a week.

Every time he thought of moving somewhere that wasn’t the bathroom, maybe stepping outside to smoke or joining Hoseok for one of his rides, his body just didn’t move. There was no point. As much as he fantasised about wandering over to open the fridge or brushing his hair or doing anything that might make him feel better his body wouldn’t cooperate and he found himself sat in the same curled up position – knees brought to his chest, eyes unfocused on the floor – for seven whole days.

Hoseok grew increasingly concerned as the nights crawled by. At some point on the second day he registered the older boy shoving his phone towards him, voice gentle and yet tinged with unmistakable worry, saying something about his mum calling for the third time and how he needed to answer.

Changkyun didn’t answer. He typed a message saying he was at Hyungwon’s for the rest of the week and to not worry about him.

Lies.

Changkyun was quite good at lying now.

On day three, when he was smoking still curled into a ball and thinking about the broken face of his best friend when he’d left him alone, Hoseok stole his cigarette.

“Give it back,” he mumbled, reaching for it with stiff fingers.

“Changkyun.” Hoseok grabbed his chin and forced him to look at him. His eyes were wide with blatant worry, and the younger boy’s stomach churned at the thought he was hurting him. He didn’t mean to. He was just sad again. “How bad is it?”

“Not that bad.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying,” Changkyun said quietly.

He saw the concerned way Hoseok looked at him and he vaguely supposed that he hadn’t ever seen him like this before. Every time they'd ever been together he'd never slipped right back into bad. His worst was standing on the edge of a bridge, but he’d still been functional. Now he was just numb. Empty. Sad but not actively so, sat staring into space until somebody made conversation or Hoseok put a steaming cup of noodles in front of him - which he picked at till they went cold and every night Hoseok’s stare grew a lot more worried.

Hyungwon was in love with him.

 _Sometimes it would be easier if you weren't here_ .

He tried, he really did. He thanks Hoseok for the cornflakes in the morning and the pizza at night. He rest his head on his shoulder when he sat down next to him on the couch, and when the older boy went to finish his third can of the day he’d gentle push his hand down and watched as he let it go reluctantly. They shared cigarettes, and Hoseok only left the apartment to buy more and stock up on ‘better food’ which turned out to be microwave meals and sweets. At one point, four days into him almost living in Hoseok’s messy apartment, he took a shower – a feet he would have deemed impossible a few days ago when all he wanted to do was disappear.

On the fifth day Changkyun heard Hoseok throw up in the bathroom.

The sound jerked him out of whatever stupor he had slipped into in the early hours of the morning, and for the first time in five days he found himself stumbling with some kind of purpose, making his way to the familiar bathroom as quickly as he could.

“I’m sorry,” Hoseok heaved, face pale, half leant over the toilet seat. There was a sheen of sweat on his sickly skin and the burn on his face told of shame. “I was worried ‘bout you- I- drank too much-”

Changkyun supposed he probably shouldn’t know what to do or be so calm about it, but it was what it was. He cleaned him up as best he could; held his drooping body upright as he rubbed toothpaste into his gums, collected a bucket just in case and even changed his t-shirt for him, before guiding him back to collapse on the couch where they had slept for the past week. Despite Hoseok’s bedroom being clean and only a few steps away, the younger boy couldn’t bring himself to sleep in there. That place was for happy memories, not sadness.

When they woke up the next day neither of them mentioned the previous night.

That was okay with him.

On the seventh day Hoseok’s worried voice tried to get him to talk again.

“Changkyun?”

Changkyun ignored him.

None of what happened seemed real. He didn't feel alive anymore. He didn't feel.

The argument with Hyungwon had thrown him headfirst into a place he wasn't equipped to deal with and it was a little terrifying.

He'd left Hyungwon alone and hurting.

Hyungwon was asexual.

Hyungwon was in love with him.

Changkyun had been selfish - and he was still being selfish. He hadn’t even called Hyungwon to make sure he was okay and yet he didn’t think there was a point, not really. It’s not like they were best friends anymore. It’s not like he could fix anything.

"It's Sunday," Hoseok’s blunt voice cut through his thoughts.

Changkyun shrugged and picked at the bandages on his hands. "So?"

"So, you have college tomorrow."

"I'm not going to college."

"Changkyun-"

"I'm not going to college."

There was a tense pause.

He was aware he was being difficult but he didn’t care. No way in hell was he turning up to college tomorrow only to see Hyungwon there as well.

"I can't let you sit here any longer, kid," Hoseok said with a sigh, and it seemed as if he was genuinely exasperated at forcing responsibility. "I have an idea. A crazy idea, something wild and fucking badass, that might just stop you feeling so down."

Changkyun frowned at the tone of his voice - it sounded mischievous, not at all like the sombre way he'd been speaking the past few days. When he turned to look at him he saw a spark in his eye that had previously not been glinting.

"I'm listening," he said quietly.

"Remember the second night? When we pierced your ear super fucking drunk? And the third night, when we bleached and dyed this mop and I was so tipsy I had to stop my hands shaking so you still thought I was some super cool biker?" Hoseok smiled tentatively. "Well, I've been thinking. What can we do this time to make little Changkyunnie feel better? What would get him out of his slump this time? And then, like a candle in the dark, it came to me."

“What is it?” Changkyun asked, intrigued, and his mouth parted when he saw the way Hoseok held his hand over his chest. “Are you serious?”

“Dead serious.”

“No way, I don’t have the money.”

“I do. I’ll pay for you,” Hoseok shifted forward on the couch and took his hands with excitement. “C’mon kid, it’ll be fun. Get out of the apartment, go outside. It’ll be good for you.”

“Can you not just do it yourself? Here?” Changkyun mumbled.

The silence that followed caused him to lift his head, and the look in Hoseok's eyes that told him he was being ridiculous made his lips twitch upwards.

"Look, kid," Hoseok began, and the small smile on his face was contagious. "I will DIY a piercing. I will DIY a hair colour. What I will not DIY is a tattoo.”

The word hung heavy in the air. It was tempting, Changkyun wouldn’t lie, and yet a tattoo seemed a little too much. Piercings and hair colour were temporary – tattoos were permanent. Only bad men got tattoos.

Well, bad men and Hoseok.

“I don’t know...”

“Fuck kid, Look at me, yeah? If you could have any tattoo in the world, anything at all, what would you want?"

Changkyun thought for a moment.

The question was simple but the answer was not. Truth be told, he’d always loved how tattoos looked on people – bold black ones spiralling down arms, pretty watercolor ones splashed across backs – and yet he’d never given much thought as to what he would get given the chance.

If he could have any tattoo in the world, any at all, what would he want?

"Sunflowers," he said softly.

"Sunflowers?"

"Mm. Sunflowers."

There was a pause.

"Like Vincent Van Gogh?"

Changkyun smiled. "Yeah. Like Vincent Van Gogh."

All of a sudden the older boy pushed himself up from the couch and appeared to go and get a drink, allowing Changkyun to peek his head over the edge of the couch and watch him move.

Nothing prepared him for what he wore – top tighter than usual and cut off at the shoulders tucked into pants that had a strap and buckle around the thigh.

 _Leather_ pants.

Changkyun felt his face flush at the sight. Hoseok _neve_ r wore leather besides from his usual beloved jacket. Where were his ripped jeans, why had he dressed up so elaborately, and _why couldn’t Changkyun tear his gaze away_ ?

“Are those leather pants?” He asked quietly.

The older boy grinned over his shoulder and brought out two shiny cans of cheap beer. “You like them? Dug them out of my closet after I forgot I owned them. Figured fuck it, might as well wear ‘em once.”

The younger boy hummed his acknowledgement but stayed frozen, blatantly staring as Hoseok moved to stand in front of the couch and not caring as he did so. His thighs were bigger than usual.

“Kid? You in there?” Hoseok laughed, a beer in each hand.

“Sorry,” he mumbled in response. Now that he thought about it, _all_ of Hoseok seemed bigger than usual. Had he been working out? Impossible with his schedule of sleeping all day and drinking all night, and yet he seemed to stand even more confidently than before. “They’re, um-”

“Distracting?” Hoseok teased and Changkyun’s cheeks grew warmer. “’Cos you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you, fishnet boy?”

“That was one time,” he mumbled petulantly, reaching out to take a beer and frowning when it was pulled out of his reach.

“Make it two and I’ll let you drink.”

Changkyun furrowed his brow at the cocky glint in his eye. Yes, he was wearing the same ripped black jeans he’s worn to Hyungwon’s a week ago, but it wasn’t like he could just magic up a pair of fishnets to wear whenever he felt a little daring.

“But-”

“I have a pair in my closet.”

Changkyun gaped at him, and then, slowly, broke out into a disbelieving smile.

For the first time in seven days Changkyun was smiling and there was the faint tingle of excitement prickling his skin. Maybe he could do something wild like get a tattoo and feel better once again. It had worked all those other times, why not now?

The warm laugh Hoseok gave behind him when he hurried to change made him smile even wider. In his room Changkyun barely noticed the tarp thrown over the canvas in the corner, or the paint trodden into what had been a clean carpet, far too busy rifling through his closet for the pair of fishnets Hoseok had bought him.

He felt a little better already.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Remember when Jooheon said we looked like Batman and Robin? But if Batman was gay and Robin his emo twink?”

Hoseok laughed from where he was sauntering down the stone steps confidently, Changkyun in tow, hugging his body from the cold. They’d ridden the motorbike for only a few minutes before they’d reach their destination – a somewhat busy Seoul highstreet with the gutters still showing empty bottles and soggy confetti from New Years – and now Hoseok was leading him down concrete steps and through a rickety plastic overhang towards what he assumed was a Tattoo parlour. When they reached the door it was made of translucent plastic, tacked with notices, prices and opening times, the scrawling neon sign humming and blinking the name of the place.

Eagle parlour.

Fitting, Changkyun thought with a wry smile.

“Never thought I’d hear you say the word twink, kid, but yeah, I remember that,” Hoseok chuckled, striding confidently towards the door.

“I feel like one right now,” Changkyun muttered, peering down at the fishnets visible through his jeans before sneaking a glance at the leather pants Hoseok wore. Why did they fit every curve so well? It was driving him insane. Is this what the older boy felt when he acted up?

The card on the door said closed but Hoseok just walked right in, leaving Changkyun to take a final glance at the eerily quiet overhang around them before hurrying inside.

The interior was not what he had expected. Somehow he’d managed to convince himself it would be terrifying – lots of spikes, loud noises, lights mimicking those in a club – but it was a relatively simple room. There was a clean counter for paying, modern looking seats covered in metallic grey, and the walls were crammed full with neatly framed pictures of tattoos and the many designs available.

It was quaint and cosy and clean. A nice surprise.

“Boy!”

The deep voice caused him to jump in surprise, and he swung round in fear to find Hoseok grinning wildly and moving towards the counter.

“Jiseong!” he called back in response. For a second Changkyun thought he was going insane, but then out walked somebody from the backroom behind the counter and it all made sense.

Jiseong was a greying man; a shadow of stubble could be seen on his face, there were hooped gold earrings threaded through his ear and detailed tattoos of what looked like ships and mermaids snaking up his neck and ending just below his jaw with a wave splashing across his ear.

He was perhaps the most heavily tattooed man Changkyun had ever seen, and while he was never one for stereotypes, he couldn’t help but move slightly closer to Hoseok in caution.

“The fuck you doing around here, eh boy? Finally decided to pay your old man a visit?” Jiseong voice was as weathered as his wrinkled face. “It’s been ‘bout a year since I saw your face around here. What you been up to?”

“Took some time to myself, you know how it is,” Hoseok glided over the question smoothly before throwing a warm, gentle arm around Changkyun and pulling him so he was face to face with the old man. “Jiseong, this is Changkyun. My.. my friend.”

“Boyfriend?” Jiseong flashed a cheeky smile and Changkyun blushed. Then the old leant on the counter with one arm and waved his tattooed hand in the air as if he were searching for the right words. “You look like… you look like…”

“Batman and Robin,” Changkyun interjected quietly, unsure, wary. “But.. but if Batman were gay and Robin his emo twink.”

The parlour was silent for a brief moment. Jiseong’s deep-set eyes settled on Changkyun for the first time and seemed to take in his demeanour before he offered an amused laugh and nodded his head. “Took the words right out of my mouth.”

Changkyun smiled and, with the encouragement of Hoseok’s arm still slung around his shoulder, offered his hand to shake. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Jiseong clasped his hand over the counter and shook it. Changkyun noticed with a growing sense of ease that he purposely gripped his palm and not his fingers, avoiding the obvious bandages without so much as a question. “How long have you been with boy here then, eh? I trust he been treating you well, he can be a bit of a rascal.”

How long _had_ he been with Hoseok? He wasn’t aware that they were even a thing, not really.

“About a month, maybe.” He shrugged.

“I see, I see. Say, I do like your outfit,” Jiseong smiled at him and there was something genuine about the expression. His eyes were kind, Changkyun realised with a start. They held a twinkle that immediately made him feel as if they were old friends and not newly met people separated by forty years of life. Immediately Changkyun decided he could trust him. Jiseong was nice. Kind. Understanding. “How old did you say you were again? Sorry, boy over here has a habit of talking too much.”

Hoseok rolled his eyes. “I'm not a boy anymore Jiseong. I'm twenty four.”

“Called you it at sixteen, I’ll call you it now, boy,” Jiseong laughed his hearty laugh and the atmosphere grew even more at ease.

“I’m nineteen,” Changkyun offered the answer to the question.

“Nineteen? Damn, woulda taken you for twenty four,” Jiseong winked at him and Changkyun felt his chest swell. This wrinkled, tattooed man reminded him of every good father he had ever seen in coming of age movies – kind, approachable and easy to get along with. It was nice.

“Do you got any appointments today?” Hoseok interrupted, messing with the books on the desk.

“It’s eleven Hoseok, you know I shut shop at ten.”

“Well yeah, but I was just wondering if you could fit us in for a late night session,” Hoseok shrugged. “Changkyun wants a tattoo, and it’s his first one so I figured-”

“You’d bring him to the best underground tattoo artist in Seoul?” Jiseong grinned, and the expression left Changkyun staring in awe at the few golden molars that glinted from his mouth. “Fair enough. So, son, what you looking for?”

“He wants-”

“I didn’t ask you, Hoseok,” All of a sudden Jiseong shot the older boy a scolding look. “Let the boy talk.”

Hoseok stopped talked and even had the guilt to look a little bit sheepish.

Changkyun hadn’t seen Hoseok let anybody tell him what to do before and he had to stifle his giggle. It was funny.

“I want sunflowers,” he said decisively.

“Sunflowers, eh?” Jiseong raised an eyebrow again. “You’re gonna have to be a little more specific than that son. If I don’t have a design, I can’t tattoo it.” Changkyun froze. He hadn’t realised he needed a _design_ . “No design? Hmm. Why don’t you ask boy over there to draw one for you? He’s a great artist, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“No,” Hoseok said firmly, although he wavered when Changkyun turned to look at him with wide, pleading eyes. “No, kid.”

Changkyun stuck out his bottom lip.

“Kid..” Hoseok said, exasperated.

“Please?” He asked, softening his voice, grasping his arm as he begged.

Hoseok sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Fine! Fine, give me some paper.”

A few minutes later Hoseok was hunched over a scrap piece of paper on the counter, scribbling away at it with a ballpoint pen that Jiseong had kept behind his ear. Changkyun watched in fascination as it took shape – it was simple design, the outline of three sunflowers, their stalks and a few wilting leaves consisting of heavy shapes and small, messy shading in the middle.

Changkyun had never seen Hoseok draw before and it was fascinating how lost in the act he got. He had a messy, imprecise style that still left an air of clean professionalism about the piece.

“There,” He finished with what seemed like a proud smile. “I’m really shit at drawing kid, but.. here. You don’t have to get it tattooed if you don’t want to, I understand.”

“It’s perfect,” Changkyun breathed in awe, looking at the messy doodle with wide eyes. He wanted that on his body forever. “Thank you.”

Jiseong interrupted the moment by clearing his throat loudly and pulling the design towards him.

“Mm. I see.. I’m thinking… we can use this as the stencil, right?” The old man’s voice took on a business tone as he mapped out the outline again. “Maybe splash some colour in there too, abstract, beneath the black lines to give that messy feel and depth as well,” He looked up suddenly. “What colour do you want?”

“Yellow,” the younger boy said without hesitation.

Jiseing smiled. “Yellow it is.”

Ten minutes later Changkyun was sat in a plush chair in a backroom, the lighting harsh and surrounded by shelves of ink, strange machines and a greying man rubbing a stencil his exposed skin with gloved hands.

He’d chosen the large stretch of arm above his hand to get tattooed. It was visible, extremely so, and he vaguely wondered how many jobs would accept him with a tattoo so obviously peeking out of any sleeve. He didn’t really care, but sat in the plush chair with Hoseok watching him in amusement, his stomach started to churn and he was suddenly aware of how real this ordeal was.

“You sure about this kid?” Hoseok raised an eyebrow, gently holding his other hand as Jiseong cranked a professional looking machine and the room was filled with the buzz of a needle.

Changkyun swallowed thickly and nodded. “You’re the one who suggested it.”

“I know, I know,” Hoseok rubbed his thumb over his knuckles. “But it’s permanent. I don’t want you to regret it-”

“For fucks sake, just stick the needle in already.”

Jiseong laughed and moved so the needle was hovering over his skin. “Okay, here we go.”

At first Changkyun didn’t feel anything, and then the pain started. Light scratching, like somebody was dragging the head of a needle over his skin over and over again.

It didn’t hurt nearly as much as he thought it would and he relaxed into the chair with a sigh.

“Say, boy, has Hoseok ever told you the story about Immy?” Jiseong mused as he wiped his skin with a practiced manoeuvre and went back in with the inking machine. Changkyun shook his head. “No? Okay, I guess I’ll do the honours.”

He looked at Hoseok as if for reassurance and the biker nodded, amusement tugging at his mouth and something unreadable glinting in his eyes.

“Go ahead,” he breathed through his clenched jaw, hand twitching as the needle pressed extra hard.

Jiseong grinned and said, "Hoseok here was eighteen? Nineteen maybe? Bout the same as you. Shoulda seen him - boy, his hair was shaved all up here and he was always covered in paint. Language was worse than now and he never looked like he slept, not even an hour. Some rainy Tuesday night in December I get this crazy knock on my door, right? Was just locking up the parlour and all of a sudden this crazy looking teenager comes bundling into my tattoo parlour hugging some shitty blanket and dripping all over the floors I just cleaned.”

Hoseok laughed and shook his head, thumb absentmindedly stroking Changkyun's hand. “It was fucking freezing out there Jiseong.”

The tattooist lips quirked into a smile. "Be quiet boy, I'm talking. Anyway, in comes this stupid fucking punk boy rambling about some poor cat or something. I've known this kid since he was fifteen and let me tell you, he's always been a pain in my ass but I swear to God this was the last straw. Ain't no sorry excuse for a college student barging into my tattoo parlour at one in the morning," He paused to inspect his work and briefly met his awed gaze. "But then? Changkyun, oh God. My old heart broke just seeing what was in his arms."

"What? What was it?" Changkyun asked, enthralled by the story. His brown eyes were wide as he hung onto every word and the gentle buzz of the tattoo needle as well as the sting of the ink had long since faded into the background of his thoughts.

"A kitten," Jiseong said softly. "Just a little tabby. It's orange fur was matted and, oh god, he was so skinny. Must have been left outside alone for so long in such horrible winter weather. I swear to you Changkyun, the sight was pitiful I almost cried man tears."

Changkyun was flooded by surprise - a kitten? Hoseok had bought him a kitten?

"Hoseok turned to me and, shit, if the kitten hadn't been enough then his worried eyes were enough to do it. Tell em, boy. Tell em what you said to me."

Hoseok rolled his eyes. "Please, Jiseong. Save the fucking kitten." he deadpanned.

“Hoseok.”

“Fine,” he sighed at Jiseongs scolding and looked up at Changkyun. “I said I found him in a box by the back alley of a club, and that college dorms didn't allowed pets or I'd keep him,” Hoseok's lips twitched up into a smile. “I said, ‘If you don't take this kitten, I'll cry so hard I'll flood your stupid fucking tattoo parlour,’”

The tattooist smiled, apparently happy with the re-enactment. "He wouldn't stop begging, even when I said no. He said he couldn't bear to let the kitten die in such cold weather," The old man seemed to be enjoying his storytelling and Changkyun had long forgot the scratch of the needle in his skin. "What was I meant to do? Shove both him and that little kitten out on the streets again? Nah, I ain't that heartless. Took em both in, set the cat up with a bed and let Hoseok crash in one of the rooms back here,"

"This boys got a heart of gold, I'm telling you that right now Changkyun. Heart of gold," Jiseong rubbed at his skin harshly as he finished his story with a flourish. "Won't leave anything to die in the cold. Reckon he'd stop the world turning just to save a life."

"I know," Changkyun said softly, eyes flickering up to meet Hoseok’s gaze. "What happened after? To the cat, I mean."

Jiseongs expression fell. "Immy? He died a few weeks later. Pneumonia or something, the vet couldn't help him. Seems fate has a plan for everything, no matter what.”

"Don't say that,” Hoseok said gruffly. “Fate aint shit, Jiseong."

"Be quiet boy. You can delay death, but you can't deny it."

A heavy silence fell across the room, interspersed only by the harsh buzz of the needle and the younger boys breathing as he tried to ignore the scratching pain.

"You done embarrassing me now?” Hoseok said in a lighter tone after a few seconds had passed. “You out here fucking with my bad boy rep."

"Bad boy rep my ass, son," The old man laughed and then his voice grew mocking. "Oh, Jiseong, please. He was shivering all alone in the bin and you have to take him in or I'll cry."

"Fuck off!" Hoseok gasped in disbelief.

"Look, I'm _crying,_ just please take the little kitten and keep him safe-"

Changkyun was laughing.

Hoseok was annoyed, but even his mouth seemed to twitch into a smile when he heard the laughter.

Jiseong looked up to wink at him.

"There, boy. I think I'm done," The old man sat back on his chair with a grin, pulling off his gloves and wiping at his brow with his forearm.

"You're done?" Changkyun stared at him in surprise as he pressed a clear bandage to the raw skin around the ink.

"Mm. Hardly felt a thing, right?”

“I have a tattoo?” Changkyun asked in disbelief, holding up his arm to see in the light. “Hold shit Hoseok, I have a tattoo. My mum is going to _kill_ me.”

He traced the outline gingerly, wincing at the pain. It was perfect.

The black outline of the petals were thick and bold and they followed the scribbly technique Hoseok had used while sketching, the stalks lead into blooming under buds and then blossoming into scrawly, heavy sunflowers. Underneath the black ink was a painted cloud of yellow – close in style to the watercolour on Hoseok’s back, messy and splotchy and coloured outside the lines in such a way that made it artistic.

Perfect.

“Do you like it?” Hoseok asked gently and Changkyun looked up with a smile.

From where he was still sat in the tattooist's chair he leaned across to give him a gentle kiss on the lips and then laughed, blushing, when Jiseong whistled behind them. Pulling himself upright, Changkyun stepped over to the mirror to admire the thick black ink etched permanently into the skin of his arm. There was a steady thrum of adrenaline in his veins from the pain, and the clean mirror showed the tattoo on his arm in all his glory.

The boy in the mirror didn’t look like him at all.

He was small framed, slim, but somewhat more filled out than a few months ago, like he’d gone from accidentally skipping meals to eating on a routine. Fishnets peeked out from under ripped black jeans and the hems were stuffed into another pair of Hoseok’s clunky biker boots. A piercing glinted pretty from his ear and his faded, messy orange hair looked distressed with its roots and gave off the vibe of controlled nonchalance.

He had a bold tattoo on his forearm, his eyes were brown and cunning and curious, his lips parted and stance cocky and top hanging attractively on his frame.

The boy in the mirror didn’t look like Changkyun, but at the same time he felt more himself than ever before.

Badass, even. Dangerous.

When he turned back to look for Hoseok he froze watching him hook his hands into the back of his top and pull it off over his head, exposing the smooth expanse of his pale, toned torso and the tattoos under his ribcage, chest, bicep and back. There were faint red crescents on the back of his neck and the bruises from the fight a week ago had faded to an almost invisible yellow.

“What are you doing?” He asked in surprise as the biker bundled up his top and picked up a heavy marker from the counter.

“I’ve been thinking kid, watching you. It’s about time I got another tattoo, right? ‘Cos pretty soon you’ll be more badass than me and that just ain’t right,” Hoseok offered him the pen with an easy smile. “Draw whatever you want and I’ll ink it.”

“What?” Changkyun gawked at him. “Hoseok, don’t joke.”

“I’m not joking kid,” Hoseok’s voice was steady, amused, and his eyes glittered with some raw emotion the younger boy couldn’t name. “Dead serious. Who gives a fuck, amiright? You can put it anywhere just.. avoid the face, kay? My eyes are my best feature.”

Inches away from taking the pen into his own hand, Changkyun hesitated.

Did the older boy really trust him that much? With something so permanent, carried with him forever?

“Changkyun?” Hoseok gently took his hand and curled his fingers around the marker. “I trust you, don’t worry.”

His hand was warm. They were always warm. Warm, steady, safe Hoseok. A rock in the dangerous seas of his mind.

Changkyun swallowed thickly and brought his left hand up to gently rest against his chest, to the right of the dramatic crest inked into his skin. The calming way his hand slipped over his body brought back the memories of the night they slept together, all smooth skin and breathless moans and the way he’d felt safe cradled in his arms after. As his hand drifted to a stop he smiled at the memory.

He outlined his fingers, palm and wrist as precisely as he could.

“Is that okay?” He asked, suddenly shy as he stepped back to admire his outline.

Hoseok's mouth twitched into a meaningful smile and his gaze burned. “Perfect.”

Hoseok's tattoo took less time. He gripped Changkyun’s hand tight as the needle danced over his collarbone and pale skin of his neck, his shoulders growing taught and his jaw clenching as he hissed in pain at the skirting of his bone, but besides from that it was quicker than the detailed flowers that were now inked into the youngers skin.

Changkyun didn’t really want to think about what it meant. Lovers tattooed each others names on each other but that was replaceable - able to be covered up or explained by the lyric of some song. This was Changkyun’s hand, etched in bold black outlines across his chest and collarbone, a visible reminder that Changkyun had left a mark on him.

They felt linked now, he thought with a smile. Irreplaceable. It had only been a few months and perhaps Changkyun was too young to know, but he couldn’t ever imagine a future without Hoseok by his side. They were meant to be – they _had_ to be.

When Jiseong had finished and wiped down the pale skin of his chest blooming red with irritation Changkyun squeezed Hoseok’s hand as his tense body relaxed and he tried to peer down at the tattoo.

Changkyun’s heart was doing strange things, seeing his hand on Hoseok’s chest like that.

Permanent. That was permanent.

Hoseok had just etched his hand onto his chest forever, and the elated smile on his face told of no regrets.

“How does it look?” Hoseok asked, grimacing as he shifted to sit upright after Jiseong had smoothed a clear plaster and taped down the edges across his neck, collarbone and chest.

Slowly Changkyun brought his hand up to hover over the outline. It was a perfect fit.

“Amazing.” He smiled.

A few minutes later, while Hoseok was inspecting his new tattoo in the mirror and fixing his windswept hair, Changkyun went to find Jiseong as he punched numbers into a calculator and wrote in the notebook on his counter every few seconds. With a start the boy realised he had clunky glasses on and was squinting at the page and he smiled at how endearing the old man looked with gold hoop earrings, tattoos up to his ears and square glasses sat on his nose.

“Hey, Jiseong,” He began, walking up to the counter cautiously. “Can I… Can I ask you something? About…”

“Hoseok?” Jiseong raised an expecting eyebrow and Changkyun nodded his head sheepishly. “Go for it boy, but I can’t promise I’ll answer.”

For a second he hesitated – unsure, worried about crossing the line – but as always his curiosity was not easy to control.

“Did he.. did he ever mention a guy called Kihyun?”

Silence.

Jiseong stared at him with an unreadable expression hidden behind his clunky glasses

“Look, son,” He began slowly. “I ain’t here to be your relationship therapist, nor am I willing to play some kids game of Chinese whispers-”

“Please?” Changkyun stepped closer to the counter. “I.. I need to know. I need to.”

The old man sighed, took off his glasses and rubbed at his forehead wearily. There was a pause in which Changkyun could see beyond his friendly demeanour and into something deeper – Jiseong was tired. He wondered what he’d done to get so many tattoos.

“I knew Kihyun almost as well as Hoseok,” Jiseong said quietly. “He was the nicest boy, maybe a little harsh at times but.. but nice. So nice. He had been with Hoseok almost as long as I’ve known him.”

The twisting knots of Changkyun’s stomach grew tighter as he listened to the forbidden knowledge, on edge at the thought that Hoseok in the back room could walk in at any moment.

“Have you seen him recently?” he asked, wide-eyed.

Jiseong shook his head. “Last time I saw him was with your boyfriend back there, December time, not last month but the year before. They came and got matching tattoos giggling like school kids and showing off some ring-”

“December fourteenth?”

“What?” Jiseong looked surprised at the interruption but Changkyun disregarded it.

“Was the date December fourteenth?”

“Maybe?” The tattooist frowned and then seemed to shake the thought from his head. “Look, son- you seem sweet. Young. Hoseok really likes you and it’s obvious he cares. Dunno what happened with Kihyun – god forbid, I hope he’s safe – but you’re together now, right? That’s all that matters,” The wrinkled, kind man gently pat the hand he had leant on the counter. “Trust him, okay? I do.”

It was at that moment Hoseok came sauntering back into the parlours reception, tight shirt back on, bandage crawling up his neck and jacket thrown casually over his back. He was glowing in a way that reminded Changkyun of the morning after they slept together, and the sight made him feel fuzzy and warm.

“How much?” he asked Jiseong, slinging a casual arm around Changkyun.

“On the house,” The tattooist said with a wink. “You know, boy, there’s always gon’ be a place for you here, if you’re ever willing to take me up on that apprenticeship.”

Changkyun turned to the old man in surprise. “You offered him an apprenticeship?”

“Offer never closed,” Jiseong shrugged, putting down his glasses on the counter. "If he wanted to come work for me at any point he could, I'd love to have him and he's a great artist. His stubborn ass won’t do it even though he ain't got a job, don't even know how he pays for that shitty apartment,"

Hoseok shrugged, obviously uncomfortable with the attention. "Yeah, yeah. I ain't good for nothing Jiseong, that's just how it is."

"Fuck off and consider it, boy. There are nice people here, people who don't care the shit you done before and..” The old man paused and jerked his chin towards Changkyun. “If you're gonna be takin care of this lil one you might need some income, right?”

There was a pause.

“I'll think about it,” Hoseok said quietly.

“You better.” Jiseong gave a hearty grin and waved as they backed out of the door. “Stay safe boy! Visit more often!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

After a while of meandering down the busy streets of Seoul at night and staring into shop fronts Hoseok and Changkyun ended up at a club, which was not surprising to either of them really. Something about the loud, pounding music, bright neon lights and the stumbling, drunken outsiders called to them like a siren at sea, and it wasn’t long before they were pressed against some badly lit, noisy counter in a cheap club with badly remixed EDM hyping up the dance floor.

Changkyun was learning not to be surprised by the wide berth people gave them - Hoseok only had to push himself to the front of the bar for the crowd to separate even on the busy night. Maybe it was the leather jacket and pants, or perhaps the laced fishnets and piercings, but whatever it was gave Changkyun a sense of power. People treated them as dangerous so he felt dangerous, and it gave him a thrill he never realised he wanted.

Was this why Hoseok acted so tough all the time? It was fun.

“Dare you to chug it!” Hoseok shouted over the heavy base of music when their drinks were finally slid across the table. Hoseok had demanded a whole bottle while Changkyun had stuck with a fruity mix of vodka and fizz in a crystal carved class.

Changkyun took one look at the older boys smug, daring face and downed the drink as fast as he could. It left him spluttering with eyes watering, but Hoseok’s incredulous expression and the way he gripped him around the waist was enough to make his face hot and smile wide.

They stayed like that for a while, having casual banter over the loud drunken crowd and letting the flush from heat and alcohol paint their cheeks rose.

He was having a good time.

A great time actually. The best time he’d had in a while.

He didn’t even think of Hyungwon alone in his apartment, or the seedlings of doubt Minhyuk had wedged under his skin. Not even once.

At some point the bar grew more crowded, and Changkyun felt Hoseok shift to stand behind him to avoid the rude man next to them who was shouting at the obviously distressed bartender.

“Changkyun, baby,” Hoseok breathed in his ear and immediately every hair on his body stood on end. There was suddenly a warm hand circling patterns on his exposed hip, and the older boy was pressed so close behind him he could hear his heartbeat through his back. “Are you feeling better now?”

“I said to keep that word in the bedroom,” Changkyun murmured tightly, the hot flush on his cheeks quick to deepen. Hoseok was never this forward – what had gotten into him?

“Sorry baby, I forgot.”

Changkyun shivered and then turned in flustered frustration. “Do you know what you do to me?” he asked, and yet the move had been a mistake. The angle meant the biker could slot his arms either side and leave him trapped against the counter, the loud, drunken crowd around them easily fading into the background.

He rolled his eyes at the cocky eyebrow raise, took Hoseok’s face between both of his hands, and kissed him without thinking.

It was quick to escalate through no fault of their own. Their lips parted easily for each other, pulling back only briefly for the shortest gasps of air, the fruity taste of Changkyun’s drink mixing with the bitterness of Hoseok’s vodka. The older boys firm hands were quick to slip under his shirt and hold onto his bare skin, and Changkyun was having a hard time breathing with how close they pressed together and how little they pulled away, but the light-headedness was everything he loved.

“Get a room!” the rude man next to them shouted in accented Korean, clearly of Western descent.

Changkyun pulled back with a breathless grin and raised an eyebrow.

Hoseok laughed, took his hand, and pulled him out of the club as quick as he could. They spilled onto the busy street moments later, a mess of leather, fishnets and Hoseok still clutching a bottle.

“Where’s your motorbike?” Changkyun laughed dizzily as Hoseok pulled him along the bustling sidewalk of drunken adults and women in short leopard print mini-skirts.

“Parked it down here somewhere, by the tattoo parlour-”

“Wait, wait!” Changkyun panted, laughing, tugging on Hoseok's hand to get him to stop. “Let’s take a photo first.”

Hoseok didn’t object. Pulling his phone out of his pocket he passed it off to Changkyun, who upon trying to unlock it in that slightly tipsy state of his - vision blurred, body thrumming with alcohol - found it password protected.

“What’s your password?” He giggled, swaying a little on the spot, and Hoseok seemed to reciprocate his drunken laughter.

“Eleven Twenty-two,” he said in reply and Changkyun wasted no time punching in the numbers and bringing up the camera app.

They only took one photo. The background was slightly blurry due to the neon lights of the party district, and yet they both smiled wide, Hoseok’s leather-clad arm slung around Changkyun’s shoulders and their cheeks flushed pink as his eyes crinkled with joy.

It was perfect.

The orange haired boy immediately went to set it as his contact photo, finding it hard to navigate through his phone as his vision throbbed with alcohol and his thoughts swirled, and Hoseok seemed to be content looking at the shouting people around them as he took a swig of his bottle.

Changkyun froze.

He felt sick. The churning in his stomach was a combination of reading a single word and knowing he'd done something wrong.

Hoseok’s contacts were arranged alphabetically.

Alphabetically.

 _Baby_.

It wasn't him.

There was a contact was called Baby. And it _wasn't him_.

The contact icon was a blur of bad lighting, a blinding smile and very pale pink hair.

There was a tattoo snaking up his neck, and his face was sharp and angular.

A very familiar sharp and angular.

His whole stomach dropped to the floor like lead and his heart jumped into his throat. There was no _way_ \- he knew he was similar, Minhyuk had said so, but the same nickname? The same pretty word whispered into his ear, the same pet name said lovingly as he stroked his hip, the same syllables moaned breathlessly as Changkyun gave up his first time?

With a surge of anger unlike his usual withdrawn nature, Changkyun turned towards Hoseok and watched as he stared at the city around him in drunken fascination, body relaxed, face flushed prettily, tattoo bandage peeking out over the hem of his top.

_You were so good baby._

It made him sick. Sick to the stomach, the alcohol sloshing and hands shaking and all of a sudden he was storming forwards and grabbing at the bottle the older boy still clutched in his hand.

“No more!” he said firmly, choked up with anger, pulling on Hoseok’s resistance. “I’m not letting you drink anymore!”

“Changkyun?” Hoseok asked, confused but not letting go of the bottle. He didn’t sound nearly as drunk as Changkyun felt, and somewhere in his mind he realised downing his drink perhaps hadn’t been such a good idea after all.

“You shouldn’t drink anymore,” he repeated, tugging on the bottle. “Didn’t you hear me? I said you shouldn’t drink-“

“Changkyun, let go,” Hoseok pulled it towards him.

“No,” Changkyun pulled it back.

“Kid-” He struggled to hold it close to him while Changkyun shook his head in defiance.

“No!”

“Changkyun!” Hoseok raised his voice and yanked on the bottle one more time.

Changkyun lost his footing.

He stumbled blindly, head spinning and legs weighed down by intoxication, and he barely registered the pain of his fall or the clatter of his phone as it fell out his pocket and landed on the cold concrete floor below him. The stunt left people around him backing away, stunned, but he could only stare at the cracked screen of his phone as his vision throbbed and it lay mournfully on the pavement.

“My phone,” he said, bewildered and unbelieving.

“Fuck,” cursed Hoseok, bending down immediately to lift Changkyun by the arms – avoiding the sting of his new tattoo but not giving him enough time to pick his phone up. “Fuck, kid, I’m so sorry- We can get it fixed, I didn’t mean to-”

Changkyun ignored him. It was all too much, he thought with a frown, as he stumbled and righted himself just before crashing into a group of rowdy passers-by. What had been in the drink at the bar? He felt more intoxicated than ever before.

“Wait, Changkyun-” Hoseok reached out to take his arm.

“Get off me,” Changkyun mumbled, pulling back his arm.

Baby. _Baby_. He called Kihyun baby too.

“Don’t you dare walk away from me kid-”

“Why? What are you gonna do if I walk away, huh?” Changkyun jerked his head at Hoseok and tried to stay upright. _Replacement_ . He was just a replacement. “You gonna hurt me? The big bad scary biker is gonna hurt little Changkyun?”

Hoseok’s mouth fell open. “What?”

“You called him baby too!” Changkyun shouted, the anger seething now, bubbling under the surface like a volatile mixture of sadness and hurt.

“I… I what?” Now Hoseok looked scared.

Good, Changkyun thought bitterly. Let him be scared.

“You called him baby too!” He raised his strained voice and people turned to stare. “Kihyun! You called him baby too!”

Hoseok froze.

All the blood drained out of his face. He looked like he’d seen a ghost.

Maybe Changkyun shouldn’t have said that, but he felt triumphant all the same.

“What did you just say?” Hoseok whispered, barely audible.

“Kihyun, I said Kihyun!” Changkyun’s voice was still too loud and now the people stood around were whispering to themselves. He watched in his tipsy gaze as Hoseok’s face grew paler and he stared at him scared, exposed and unbelieving. “What, did you think I didn’t know? I’m just your second hand replacement for you small, pretty boyfriend who left you for god knows what reason?” Changkyun saw the veins on Hoseok’s neck stand out as he clenched his jaw and the shake of his hands but he didn’t care, wouldn’t care, not with the anger and alcohol fuelling his bitter words. “Newsflash, Hoseok! I’m not Kihyun! I’m not him! I never have been and I never will be!”

The silence that followed his outburst was deafening.

The people around them shot concerned looks but kept walking, the gentle thrum of club music danced through their bones, and yet Hoseok stood just across the pavement to him, jaw clenched and eyes burning holes into where he stood, was enough to make it seem as if no sound was being made at all.

“How the fuck do you know that name,” He spoke in a low voice barely audible over the crowd. “Tell me kid. Who told you that? Did you go through my stuff, huh? Is that what you did?”

“Of course I didn’t go through your stuff!” Changkyun laughed incredulously. Almost. He almost had. “Is that what Kihyun used to do, hm? I bet you hurt him. That’s it, isn’t it? Big scary biker Hoseok hurt his boyfriend so he ran away in the night-”

“Changkyun-”

“-and so now he drinks all the fucking time because he doesn’t know how else to deal with his problems,” Changkyun finished forcefully. “You know, it’s funny. I don’t look much like him but I guess you had to settle, huh? Find another boy you can call baby until he leaves you too.”

“You don’t understand,” Hoseok said quietly.

Calm. Dangerously calm.

“Oh, I understand I’m just his replacement,” The younger boy stepped through his throbbing vision so he could see Hoseok clearer. “He’s close, hm? Did you know that? Kihyun’s close, and when I find him I’m gonna tell him you call me baby too.”

“He can’t be close,” Hoseok said in a small voice, and for the first time since Changkyun had met the biker his voice was close to breaking. “Please, we should go home-”

“What, so I can leave like Kihyun did?”

“Stop saying his name!” Hoseok shouted suddenly and the people around him turned to stare again. “You don’t understand anything Changkyun. You’re just some stupid fucking kid who wants his mommy’s attention so tries to jump off some bridge-”

“How dare you-”

“I’m not done!” He raised his voice again and Changkyun flinched. It was involuntary but just seemed to make Hoseok angrier. “You’re just some stupid fucking kid who tries to jump off some bridge, gets a new piercing and suddenly thinks they can go around talking about shit they don’t understand when they’re just a selfish fucking child!”

Changkyuns lip wobbled and the angry tears in his eyes threatened to spill over.

“How dare you,” He whispered, head spinning, and when Hoseok grabbed his arm he tried to jerk his arm back sharply. “Don’t touch me,”

“Changkyun-”

“Don’t touch me!” He half screamed, half sobbed as he yanked his hand away while he slowly backed up. “Don’t touch me. Don’t- don’t come near me-”

“Kid-”

“Don’t call me that!” He covered his ears again, blocking out anything he didn’t want to hear. “We’re over! We’re done! I don’t wanna be a replacement anymore!”

Changkyun was far away now, still backing up, and as he watched Hoseok seemed to come to himself and his eyes grew wide with fear.

“You promised!” He shouted after him, panic setting in. “You promised you wouldn’t leave – you promised you’d stay with me!”

Changkyun shook his head, tears obviously tracking down his cheeks now, face crumpled and feet stumbling as he spun on his heels and the people around him shot him concerned glances.

“Liar! You’re a liar Changkyun!” the boy behind him called, voice breaking like he was about to cry.

Changkyun ran.

Far away. As far as he could, leaving Hoseok behind with his broken phone and new tattoo, alone on the sidewalk.

_Baby._

How did it all go so wrong? How did he fuck up so badly?

He was crying, running, choking down sobs as he did so. Waves of regret threatened to rip out his throat as he realised just how far he’d crossed the line, how much he’d let the alcohol control his tongue like a puppet and now the strings were cut, leaving him crumpled in a pile on the floor.

_You were so good baby._

He’d made a mistake. He could see it now, clearly, how he was in the wrong, but that didn’t disguise the hooked claws of anger that tore at his lungs and throat.

He knew where to go.

As soon as he crossed the street and stumbled into the apartment ridden complexes of Mapu-Gu, he knew where to go.

No, not where. To who.

_Sometimes it would be easier if you weren’t here._

Changkyun was lucky the party district of Seoul was so close to Mapo-Gu. He found himself wandering half drunk, crying as he jogged, wiping at his eyes and letting out panting sobs as he made his way out of the bustling streets - attracting concerned stares as he did – before the night around him grew silent.

_Selfish kid._

Time didn’t seem to matter anymore, not really. The eerily quiet, cold night was scary despite the pretty orange street lamps and distant sound of cars.

_Replacement._

By the time he had found his way to the familiar building, punched the numbers on the elevator with frozen hands and stumbled to the startlingly white door, his sobs had stopped and the sting of his forearm from the needle had returned, along with the pain of the icy temperatures outside prickling at his fingertips.

Mistake. It had all been a mistake.

Changkyun didn’t cry when he knocked on the door three times. He didn’t think he had any more tears left.

The door clicked, two locks coming undone, and then slowly but surely swung open to reveal the boy who lived there.

His red rimmed eyes took in Changkyun shivering on his doorstep, the smell of alcohol, the plasters wrapped around his hands and the tear stains on his cheeks.

Changkyun’s lip wobbled. His breathing grew unsteady, and all of a sudden his throat burned and chest screamed and he was crying, falling to his knees and burying his face into his hands and letting out sob after wracking, terrible, embarrassing sob.

Faintly, some part of his mind registered the pressure of arms wrapped around him and the overwhelming smell of floral perfume.

“You were right Minhyuk,” He whimpered, clutching onto his thin frame like his life depended on it.

Minhyuk didn’t say anything, but his slim fingers stroked smooth circles into his back as Changkyun knelt broken on his doorstep and cried like he’d never, ever stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> figure it's important to note Hyungwon's asexuality is specific to him and will be explored further in later chapters.  
> the next chapter wont be as long i got carried away here but thank u for reading (have i mentioned i love shownu)
> 
> (also jiseong didn't even mention aftercare please if ur tattooist doesn't tell u how to take care of ur tattoo get a new tattooist i am begging u none of my characters make good decisions)


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